NightForgotten Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Not sure where to post this so I suppose I will post this here I finally decided that it was time to take my relationship with my boyfriend to the next level and move in with him, my boyfriend and I have been dating for over 6 years now ,we are both 21, and we were in a LDR for about 3 years and continue to be until I move in. Although I am so happy to finally be able to live with my boyfriend I guess to be honest Im a little nervous and worried about living with him , worried that this may make or break us, worried that I may not be able to handle living with him, and the move will happen in the next month , it is just coming by so quickly. . . . Is there any advice you all can offer me? Any things I should know about or rather prepare myself for?
sleepykitten Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Make sure you have set roles, nothing you need to write a rota for but stuff thats just done..like when i was married my husband did all the cooking, i did all the cleaning, it never bothered me that he didnt do it as i always got great dinners, he did help sometimes though if i asked. Its these small trivial things that when they go wrong resentment spills over into other places, decide how you'll split bills etc, joint account, who is taking responsibility for getting them paid. Also dont have a telly in the bedroom!
sleepykitten Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Living together will be the end of the relationship. What is the purpose of living together? You are not exactly getting more commitment. Furthermore, you have been going together for 6 years since you were 15. Where is this going? I think its important to live together, it is more commitment, have i missed something crucial in first post-cant scroll up, like they are never going to have a future together etc. When you live with someone it shows you a different side to that person sure, but thats a good thing i think whatever the outcome, better that then get married and then live with them and discover all sorts of horrors...jeeze....shudder!!!
Casablanca Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Living together will be the end of the relationship. What is the purpose of living together? You are not exactly getting more commitment. Furthermore, you have been going together for 6 years since you were 15. Where is this going? I dont agree with this at all... As someone else said, I believe it is important, when you live with someone you find out more about who they are in the day to day Also two people can move in to SAVE money and not deal with unkown or crappy roommates As sleepy said, define roles, who does what and DO NOT have a joint account until married...but do split bills...a joint account will be messy if there is a beakup Be prepared to talk with each other, if the other is doing something that is really bothering you on the day to day, talk about it...it isnt like when you dont live together, they other one makes you mad, well you go to your home, they go to theirs...but now you both go to the same place...the problem just cant go away...and when you are mad, dont say anything to your bf...wait till your head has cooled...you'll only cause a fight and say something you'll regret Good luck! It is very exciting!
Queen Zenobia Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 If a couple dates for three months and decide to live together they will probably find out a lot of unexpected things. However, couples that have dated for years should know each other quite well and there should not be a need for further testing of the relationship. I would be offended if my GF told me she wanted to live with me to see if I am good enough for her. I don't think a relationship that is based on a test is a good relationship and within that context there is no full commitment. This couple has been together for 6 years and by now they know each other pretty well. There is no need for more testing. Deciding to live together to save money is not a healthy relationship because they point of the relationship is to save money rather than to love each other with commitment. I disagree with this. I dated my guy for a little over 2 years before I moved in with him (my parents had a minor freak out too). Why did I move in with him? I love him, he offered, and it cut my commute time in half. Just because there were tangible benefits doesn't mean you don't love someone. I think it's an invaluable experience living with someone you learn things about relationships and commitment that I think is difficult to learn otherwise. Especially if you do plan on marrying that person sometime down the road. Obviously this isn't the path for everyone, but it's not always bad.
Queen Zenobia Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 It is not always bad; I agree. However, after two years and sleep overs you should know your partner well. If you don't then there is an intimacy problem. This couple has been together for six years! Interestingly couples that live together fail their relationship more often than couples that do not live together. Most of those failed co-habitations are in lower socio-economic groups or are the result of children born out of wedlock. It's sort of like the whole 50% of marriages end in divorce statistic, which is revealing but not a definitive stat. And I'm getting married next spring, so barring anything unfortunate happening I don't think my relationship will fail.
OhSynapse Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 If a couple dates for three months and decide to live together they will probably find out a lot of unexpected things. However, couples that have dated for years should know each other quite well and there should not be a need for further testing of the relationship. I would be offended if my GF told me she wanted to live with me to see if I am good enough for her. I don't think a relationship that is based on a test is a good relationship and within that context there is no full commitment. This couple has been together for 6 years and by now they know each other pretty well. There is no need for more testing. Deciding to live together to save money is not a healthy relationship because they point of the relationship is to save money rather than to love each other with commitment. They may have been together for 6 years, but they're only 21. People change a lot in the early 20s and there are a lot of things going on in their lives, so it's not necessarily true that they know each other well enough to know that they will be OK living together. Plus, I don't think the OP is moving in with her bf just to see if he's "good enough" for her. It's important to find out if you're compatible with your partner regarding finance, domestic responsibility, etc. Heck, I know some couples who have been married for years and still don't agree financially. Additionally, they've been in a LDR for the past 3 years. I understand why she's worried, because I've also been in a LDR for 5+ years, and I'm nervous about my bf moving across the country to be with me in two weeks. I'm nervous not because I don't know if I love my bf enough or if we're good together. I'm nervous because it's a big change in the relationship. Sure we've been together for a long time, but we've never close enough to each other to really experience each other's daily life! I think it's completely normal that the OP is a little nervous. There's nothing wrong with that. As long as she and her bf are both committed and know how to share responsibilities, they'll be fine. And yes, it's not healthy to live together just to save money. But, there's nothing wrong with living together because you love each other AND to save money. I'd rather get a 1-bedroom and split the $1200/month rent with my bf than live in a studio in the basement and pay $1000/month by myself. The former makes a lot more sense.
TaffyTopham Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Living together will be the end of the relationship. What is the purpose of living together? You are not exactly getting more commitment. Furthermore, you have been going together for 6 years since you were 15. Where is this going? You can't just assume that! Theese two people could totally be in love and could spen the ret of their lives together.
sm1tten Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Interestingly couples that live together fail their relationship more often than couples that do not live together. Where are you getting your information from? And are you including people who are actually married? I'd rather break a lease than break my marriage vows.
Casablanca Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 If a couple dates for three months and decide to live together they will probably find out a lot of unexpected things. However, couples that have dated for years should know each other quite well and there should not be a need for further testing of the relationship. Disagree...dated someone for a little over 2 years and we moved in for a bit, both thought we knew everything about each other...we learned a lot about ourselves as individuals and as a couple; we had more fights in a few months together than we did in the 2+ years prior of course see my response to the quote below They may have been together for 6 years, but they're only 21. People change a lot in the early 20s and there are a lot of things going on in their lives, so it's not necessarily true that they know each other well enough to know that they will be OK living together. Plus, I don't think the OP is moving in with her bf just to see if he's "good enough" for her. It's important to find out if you're compatible with your partner regarding finance, domestic responsibility, etc. Heck, I know some couples who have been married for years and still don't agree financially. I was young too...we both had just graduated college, me getting ready to start grad school...me 21 and her 22 Where are you getting your information from? And are you including people who are actually married? I'd rather break a lease than break my marriage vows. I've heard that stat too, and I agree with your statement...those people who did not move in and waited till married; a lot of them if not all of them would be in 3 camps; 1 - get a divorce 2 - break up before hand or 3 - stay in an unhappy marriage because they dont want to go through the divorce process
Author NightForgotten Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Im not living with my boyfriend to save money for one, I dont even pay rent I live with my parents , for another no I am not "testing" him out that would be a just plain stupid reason to decide to live with someone, Im moving in with my boyfriend for the simple fact that he asked me too, at the time my boyfriend is living on campus and for his final year at college he decided to live off campus , another reason why is that I am transfer over to where he is for Medical School and in the beginning I was planning to live on my own. Another reason is that we both miss each other and dislike being apart from one another. And thank you for all those who offered your advice or 2 cents lol
Ilovewater Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 aThere is no such thing as 100% compatibility. There is always a compromise and that is where commitment comes into play. I see a lot of women jumping into living together so the BF can have a maid, save money, and sex on demand. Then three years later he declares incompatibility and walks away. I see the benefit of living together because it is very easy to walk away. In essence you have a foot on the door just in case. This is very different than the "through thick and thin" commitment that some couples have. There's no such thing as 100% compatibility, but you have to know you're compatible enough to live with each other and work through bumps together. She doesn't sound like she's jumping into living with her bf, since she's taking time to consider if this is a good choice. As for those women who jump into living together with their bf without thinking things through, they make poor decisions, but that doesn't mean every woman who wants to move in with her bf is making a poor decision.
Casablanca Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Wow, you did not learn much in two years. You make my point! Cohabitation is very nice because one can walk away at any time there is a disagreement. It is an conditional union. You couldnt be further from the point or more wrong...the things that happened is we started to change we had finished college and it was much easier to see that we (as a couple) were not going anywhere after living together than had we lived separate...it could have been another year before we realized it...
Queen Zenobia Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 You keep making my point. Living together is testing the other partner. This doesn't even make any logical sense. Unless you're arguing that people should only live together if they're married (or I suppose if they have children together). In the era of divorce, relationships can end at any time. I think a relationship is better if it involves two people freely associating with each other, whether that means living together or not. There's nothing intrinsically wrong about it.
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