Selkie Posted April 25, 2004 Posted April 25, 2004 I ended a long standing intimate relationship I had with a guy 3 months ago. I had known him for almost 12 years. We were friends/lovers off and on for several years. He wanted me to be thinner/ improve myself more before he would totally commit to me. I understandably balked at this and he instead continued to see another woman thru the years (his 'official" girlfriend) Finally things came to a head a few months ago and I ended our physical relationship. I also did my best to cool off our strained friendship. He then told me that since I was no longer trying to be his ideal, he get engaged to his long term girlfriend soon, sometime this year. When he told me this I realised that that would be best for him and me. So far though he still hasnt proposed to her and continues to say he can't imagine me dating anyone but him. I ve done my best to look to the future and moving away from this town back to my home state. My future seems bright to me and Im sure I can find a guy who'll respect me and love me for me unlike this guy. I have been trying to break it to him gently that yes I am happily moving on with my life and plan to date, find someone to marry, etcetera. Each time I tell him this he tells me Ill be miserable if I move away from him and that I won't find anyone to love. Im not falling for his negativity. I know I have a right to be happy and can be happy elsewhere with a new man, new friends. I have tried to keep things lighthearted the last few months being a 'good' platonic friend and telling him how I hope he can be happy too. Unfortunately he told me two things today on the phone that kinda freaked me out. I told him about a dream I had last night. I dreamt that I was having a tooth pulled out and he was the dentist and that my tooth wouldnt budge. When I told him about the dream, he told me the dream meant he would stalk me I moved away and that he would kill my new boyfriend when I got one" ( ! ) He then added was only joking, just kidding, but it still disturbed me to EVEN joke about something like that. We planned to have coffee today (this plan was made ahead of time) so that I could return some drycleaning of his I had had for a long time. I brought up the 'jokes' he had made during coffee and he replied by saying he couldnt know in the future if he'd stalk me and that he'd definitely kidnap me if he were single and I was thin. He then said he joking again and called me paranoid for overreacting to his 'innocent jokes' . But then he continued in seriousness to tell me I shouldnt move away and that Ive known him to long to be happy alone. Still I believe that every joke has a grain of truth/fact to it. Should I be disturbed or not ? Thanks ahead for all replies.
USAsian228 Posted April 25, 2004 Posted April 25, 2004 The only thing you need to be disturbed about is why you accept someone controlling your life as this guy has done and continues to do.
USAsian228 Posted April 25, 2004 Posted April 25, 2004 oops, i hit the send button before i was finished... The only thing you need to be disturbed about is why you accept someone controlling your life as this guy has done and continues to do. He is an emotional abuser and you have been abused. I hope you will recognize this reality immediately and drop him quick - like, Mike Tyson biting off an ear quick. Cut him off - you are feeding some kind of narcissistic control need he has, and you are obviously brainwashed, which means he is very good at what he does... You have serious self-esteem issues and these issues need to be explored and repaired asap. He has hurt you, and I really don't think you have any idea how much. Run - move - get away from this cancer and start working on yourself. You are worth more than this and you need to realize it. Your weight has nothing to do with your value as a human being or your ability to find someone who respects you as you should be respected. He is using this issue to keep you devalued and pining after him. His power comes from abusing you! He is one sick ticket, sweetie.... and he is eating up your soul every moment you are connected to him. I don't think this is something you can solve on your own - seek professional guidance on this one - you're gonna need it. And get ready - like a fish out of water, flopping around on the sand and gasping for air, this guy ain't gonna give up easily. When you make the break, make it clean, short, and remember, you owe him nothing. Don't prolong the detachment either, because he will try to string you along for as long as he can once he knows you are outta his life. And watch his behavior closely after that - wackos like this can get even uglier - who knows what they are capable of when their power supply is cut off.... The more you can make yourself disappear, the better - he does not need to know how to contact you when you make the break. And talk to your friends and family about this - other people need to know the seriousness of this situation and the ramifications attached to it. But first, you need to know it.
FreeMe Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 I agree with everything scottbsl said. And also, don't leave a forwarding address or any way for this guy to contact you when you move.
brashgal Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 Passive-aggressive SOB! Cut him off, stop talking to him! You should be wary, not necessarily scared. Maybe someone else should return the dry cleaning for you - it isn't necessary to spend another minute of your time with this guy. I think I would arrange to have someone else come with me at the very least, if I were you. I'm glad you were strong enough to break off with him - you deserve someone who will love you for you - not some ideal 'you'.
Author Selkie Posted April 30, 2004 Author Posted April 30, 2004 Thanks for all your replies - I dont know whats wrong with me. I ended up talking to 'him' earlier tonight. He said such cruel cutting things to me while all I kept saying were positive things to him. He refuses to even end the relationship in an adult even keel manner. Finally he told me to please move away from 'his' town and go f@ck my 'fat phony b@tch self' Thtas right after I said I feel no ill will towards him. I dont know why I bothered speaking to him, I dont know why Im back to feeling depressed about the relationship being deader than a doornail. Right now I feel listless about ever dating again. ::mad at myself for giving a damn:: here's my IM conversation with him from earlier tonight (I'm W****, he's f***** ) f********: youve only gotten what youve been begging for for a year W********: no not me W********: you keep saying to leave your town and drop dead f********: and ive got news for you i was already weaning off of you gradually because i saw the writing on the wall f********: i just didnt think youd deteroriate so rapidly f********: i only gave you the bare necesities that i couldnt take care of myself... and you still ****ed them all up f********: yes, leave my town i dont want you here f********: though , ive never been alone since ive had anxiety and i need to have someone near me so ill probably have ******** move near me or move in with her in case i have pani atacks or choke f********: i realize that that was a big part of reason of needing you around a lot f********: i have to find someone else to take care of me f********: now leaveme alone f********: u used to be a nice, nurturing helpful pretty girl W********: this is horribly tragic = i am sorry you have decided you ve had enough and are ending our friendship = im very sorry for driving you to that point of no return **** :* i love you good bye f********: you turned into a nasty, bad attitude, selfish, fat girl.. and you wonder why im disgusted f********: **** off you have no idea what love is f********: and no won der look who your teachers were W********: notice how i say nothign nasty only nice things f********: you DID the bad thing. thats far worsethanwords f********: go away W********: you cant even end things except on a hateful note - well i refuse to hate you no matter how cruel you are saying mean things W********: goodbye dear :* {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{You}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} f********: whatever **** off f********: phony delusional bitch f********: go get help f********: everythyng about you is fake W********: f********: whatever **** off f********: phony delusional bitch >>> ??? W********: good bye
LikkleMissConfused Posted April 30, 2004 Posted April 30, 2004 Honey I really feel from the your posts. I was with someone for a long time and we were planning on getting married but once he got his claws on my he became very controlling and verbally and physically abusive.I put on loads of weight I was about 11 stones and only 5 fot tall since getting rid of him yes I have lost all the weight now only weight 7.5 stones and am doing really well. What upsets me is that you are kind, caring, and would like this idiot to love you and respect you in a certain way which you deserve but you have to understand something IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN EVER. He will run you down to the ground never be honest or faithful to you and with mess you up in your mind. I was counselled, on anti-depressants etc etc. Please don't go there. Save yourself and realise that you are woth so much more even if you are single you will be much more happier than you are now. Move away get away from this monster because that is what he is no matter how sweet he is to you at time but true respect and love is shown through consistency in behaviour. Evaluate him for a minute. WHats his relationship like with his family, how many really close friends does he have? All this will show you what type of person he his. I am actually at the moment being harrassed and stalked by me ex and yes it does upset me sometimes but I woudl rather feel the way I do now than what I felt like when I let him be nasty to me. DON'T TAKE IT! You will only kick yourself later and like me I wish I was stronger then and told him to F**K OFF! No way will I accept anyone speaking to me like that or behaving like that towards me. Turn to your family for support don't worry about how silly you look you need help to shake of this bad habit because thats all he is a bad habit.
FreeMe Posted April 30, 2004 Posted April 30, 2004 He is a horrible, abusive, weak, whackjob. How can you let him talk to you like that and keep saying nice things to him. Hang up on him, block him from instant message, change your address, phone number, whatever. Get away from that guy. He will end up killing you. Please get away from him.
gaia Posted April 30, 2004 Posted April 30, 2004 Some of the things you say suggest to me that you still have some self-esteem. If you keep letting this guy do what he likes with you, it won't be long before it's gone completely. Get out now, while you've still got the self-belief to do it. I don't know whether the "threat/joke" comments are just designed to intimidate and control or whether he's sick enough to carry them out. Be prepared for the worst - as others have said, take all precautions to avoid him being able to contact you. Right from the start, keep records, with witnesses, of any harassment at all - you'll need it if you ever have to get the police involved. I really hope it doesn't come to that, though. But you MUST get away from him or he will destroy any self respect you have.
meanon Posted April 30, 2004 Posted April 30, 2004 Yes, Selkie. You should be scared. This guy can do anything he likes and you let him. You talk to him when you don't want to. Instead of disliking him for his treatment of you, you are "depressed about the relationship". If you had recognised the threat to your well being earlier, you would never have attempted to be his friend. I know it's hard when you care about someone, but remember: If someone makes you feel really bad about yourself, don't have anything to do with them. It's that simple. Some people are just plain nasty. You have made a really positive step in planning to leave. Stop seeking his approval, he uses it to do you harm. Just go and forget him. When you imagine this new guy you will meet, make sure he makes you feel a million dollars. You deserve the best
BlueHeavens Posted April 30, 2004 Posted April 30, 2004 Hey.... I have a feeling if you get some space from him, you will feel like a new woman. It may sound totally crazy to you right now, and it might be a tough go for a few days...but give it a try. Spend time with people who care about you. Don't talk to him, IM, anything. I suspect that you will feel lighter, happier, better about yourself and wonder why it took so long for you to be so good to yourself.(tell him your weight problem is his stupid butt still hangin' on if you must!) Good luck. You can do it! There is someone out there who will appreciate you for you.
Author Selkie Posted May 2, 2004 Author Posted May 2, 2004 To each and everyone of you guys, I REALLY appreciate your support and words of wisdom. My crying jags have gone down some this weekend and I tried to be upbeat today. It was a nice day out and I took a walk around town. I was enjoying my iced coffee and just being low key walking about until I stopped at a red light and 'he' was in his convertible with his girlfriend laughing and smiling at each other. I think he saw me too but I couldnt tell. I feel like such a fool but my knees when weak from the shock of him being 5 feet away looking so happy after what he did to me. But thats his whole story isn't it ? Make himself happy at all costs. I love the town I live in, its very cool and I have made many friends over the last 8 years Ive lived here (its right outside of NYC in NJ) But its such a small city that I will keep running into him if I stay here (he live less than 2 blocks away from me on another block) So Im trying to be strong but now endeavor to find a nice place to live elsewhere. Thanks again for the support.
BlueHeavens Posted May 3, 2004 Posted May 3, 2004 Ugh...that is the worst feeling...it seems so unfair when he appears so happy after hurting you in that way. Wretched! But it sounds like you were doing ok when he wasn't there, right in front of you (cruelly!). Take heart that you will able to enjoy the day more and more, and maybe even feel sympathy for the girl in the car with him.
Author Selkie Posted May 3, 2004 Author Posted May 3, 2004 He has just written me a long letter ..he sent it to my work email which I can not get rid of.... Telling me how I was th eone who caused the end of this relationship and scarred him for life. He then tells me of 7 different tasks/chores he wants me to help him with, 3 of which being in physical proximity to him. He then says this after making the 'demands': excerpt: "After all ive done for you, you should feel obligated to make this transition a smooth one for me,,, however i cant force you. Though, if you make it more difficult on me than youve already made it, you seriously risk incurring my wrath. As you know, im not a big fan of yours right now... and anyintentional acts designed to further make my life uncomofrtable are not welcome and i cannot be certain of how ill react to them.">>>>>>> Sounds like thinly veiled threats if I dont help him. Time to disappear. At least, knock on wood, unlike other women in my situation I have resources $$ to move far afield. I just now wish he would let up and leave me in peace !
Author Selkie Posted May 3, 2004 Author Posted May 3, 2004 Originally posted by FreeMe He is a horrible, abusive, weak, whackjob. How can you let him talk to you like that and keep saying nice things to him. Hang up on him, block him from instant message, change your address, phone number, whatever. Get away from that guy. He will end up killing you. Please get away from him. I'm heeding your advice from now on. I promise that
BlueHeavens Posted May 3, 2004 Posted May 3, 2004 whoa! This whole deal sounds totally scary to me. Is there a way some IT person can block email to you from him, for starters? You don't need that toxicity in your life. He is sounding very maniupulative...I hate the word "should", and "obligation". He should look miserable driving around in his convertible with another girl. Should just doesn't always work out the way it...um...should. I'm not sure these are thinly veiled threats. They seem to be right out there to me. I'd probably swing by the local police station with a copy of that and if you have any other such correspondence and ask for their advice on how to handle the situation. Please make sure to keep yourself safe. Even if you only move a few blocks away so he doesn't know right where you live, and get an unlisted # (make sure your info is not on Google, etc) I think it would be good. My gut feeling (and I bet your is too) is to be very uncomfortable with this situation.
gaia Posted May 3, 2004 Posted May 3, 2004 I agree with BlueHeavens. Whatever you do, keep a copy of that email. I have a nasty feeling about this guy. Your best course of action is to ignore any demands, don't reply to him and certainly don't feel obligated to him. Like BlueHeavens said, I'd show that email to the police and see what advice they can give you. It never hurts to involve them early on, in case things escalate. I really hope he just leaves you alone. Take care.
FreeMe Posted May 3, 2004 Posted May 3, 2004 Originally posted by Selkie I'm heeding your advice from now on. I promise that I really hope so because that guy scares me. I think he is very sick. The way he has treated you and speaks to you and he thinks YOU owe HIM?? Does this guy have a history of torturing small animals too? I mean, he sounds insanely abusive. Let us know how you're doing.
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