An interesting article

[Gentlegirl]

It's titled" WhoShe Is ?"

 

YOu will find it on the TOW website.

 

It was written by Regina Berecca, academic and author.

 

I think it might give some insight into how very ordinary OW are. We aren't wild pary girls or high flyers... just normal, ordinary people.

 

Good Weekend to all,

 

Gentlegirl.

[browndog319]

I'll check it out. She is a professor of English at UConn, my alma mater. I never took a class with her. But she was really well respected. Thank you for telling us about it - I'll let you know when I read it.

[Summer Breeze]

It's titled" WhoShe Is ?"

 

YOu will find it on the TOW website.

 

It was written by Regina Berecca, academic and author.

 

I think it might give some insight into how very ordinary OW are. We aren't wild pary girls or high flyers... just normal, ordinary people.

 

Good Weekend to all,

 

Gentlegirl.

 

Thanks for sharing that Gentlegirl. I don't quite know what to make of it. I can't relate to it because I never treated my A like it was different to any other R in my life. xMM did but I didn't. My friends and family knew him and we were quite open. I put my boundaries in place at the beginning and they never shifted. I knew it was short lived because I knew he wasn't leaving-he had his rule(s) and I had mine. I knew one day he'd get caught (and it happened a number of times) and it would end or I would get to the point I wanted the 'more' he wasn't prepared to give to me. That's what finally ended it.

 

I didn't hide and keep it quiet and I didn't carry a phone around waiting for some of his time. I didn't sneak around and I didn't sit quietly in a room while he spoke to her. I had a full life and I lived it. He was torn for sure but we both knew that he wasn't THAT torn that he'd leave on his own. I had no guilt and I don't regret a second of it. As a matter of fact I'd love it if he turned up at my door letting me know he'd left. He won't though and that's fine.

 

She makes every OW sound so pathetic and weak. I know many are but I truly believe those are the OW who are weak in all Rs not just their A.

 

I did like how she said that OWs are every day people and you may even know some and like them and never ever know that bit about them. You might confide in them or they may teach your kids or put casts on your broken arms. I think that's something that surprised me years ago. Dad cheated on Mom and I had these shadowy women in my mind all the while I was growing up (teen years). When my xH cheated it was with someone we both worked with. She and I never liked each other but it was a dislike formed years before the A. But she was just a person. She wasn't a shadowy figure. She was just a person who did what she did.

 

Interesting article.

[OWoman]

This is the only part of her life that can't be admired, that can't be examined, that can't be discussed out loud. It's the only part of her life for which she doesn't respect herself and it keeps her miserable, even when she's happy, because she knows whatever happiness she has is stolen and illegitimate. She's not a fool even though she knows she's acting like one.

 

Sorry, can't relate at all. Nor to this:

 

- he can't treat her as if she were really in his life, after all -

 

or this:

 

Holidays are hard, but so is spring and so are winter nights, summer mornings and long, early-autumn afternoons. The phone is her lifeline and she has about 17 different ways of being reached in case some shard of time can be broken off and given to her. She'll take what she can get -- not in a way anyone would think of her, but in this case it's true. There are codes they use to communicate what can't be spoken or written; these were funny at first but over time they have be come as serious as a car crash.

 

or this:

 

Or it continues. Impossible nights, intolerable weekends, endless violations of everything she knows about how life should be lived, but they have loved each other for so long now, how can it stop? She starts to worry that he'll die of a heart attack and no one will tell her for days because why would anyone think to call and tell her an incidental piece of bad news about some guy she never knew very well? Or she starts to think about her own final moments. This is the worst.

 

She can't believe this is her life. Nobody else would believe it either, even the man. It's a tough, rotten, exhausting routine. Nobody chooses it on purpose. This is not a defense of her: She knows better than you that what she's doing is indefensible.

[Gentlegirl]

Thanks for sharing that Gentlegirl. I don't quite know what to make of it. I can't relate to it because I never treated my A like it was different to any other R in my life. xMM did but I didn't. My friends and family knew him and we were quite open. I put my boundaries in place at the beginning and they never shifted. I knew it was short lived because I knew he wasn't leaving-he had his rule(s) and I had mine. I knew one day he'd get caught (and it happened a number of times) and it would end or I would get to the point I wanted the 'more' he wasn't prepared to give to me. That's what finally ended it.

 

I didn't hide and keep it quiet and I didn't carry a phone around waiting for some of his time. I didn't sneak around and I didn't sit quietly in a room while he spoke to her. I had a full life and I lived it. He was torn for sure but we both knew that he wasn't THAT torn that he'd leave on his own. I had no guilt and I don't regret a second of it. As a matter of fact I'd love it if he turned up at my door letting me know he'd left. He won't though and that's fine.

 

She makes every OW sound so pathetic and weak. I know many are but I truly believe those are the OW who are weak in all Rs not just their A.

 

I did like how she said that OWs are every day people and you may even know some and like them and never ever know that bit about them. You might confide in them or they may teach your kids or put casts on your broken arms. I think that's something that surprised me years ago. Dad cheated on Mom and I had these shadowy women in my mind all the while I was growing up (teen years). When my xH cheated it was with someone we both worked with. She and I never liked each other but it was a dislike formed years before the A. But she was just a person. She wasn't a shadowy figure. She was just a person who did what she did.

 

Interesting article.

 

I liked the point that we are all just ordinary people.

 

There seems to be a morbid fascination with the the OW. She's sometimes portrayed as a predator and a siren, out to eat up every man she can get her claws into.

 

I would guess for most of the xOW here that's not the case. I'm a 64 year old grandmother, principal of a school, volunteer with the animal rescue... etc etc. Ordinary woman!

 

Have a great weekend.

 

It's the wettest July in Sydney Australia since 1952 and everybodyis squleching around in wet shoes. There, aren't you pleased I told you that?

 

Gentlegirl

[fooled once]

It's titled" WhoShe Is ?"

 

YOu will find it on the TOW website.

 

It was written by Regina Berecca, academic and author.

 

I think it might give some insight into how very ordinary OW are. We aren't wild pary girls or high flyers... just normal, ordinary people.

 

Good Weekend to all,

 

Gentlegirl.

 

That's interesting. You must not have read some posts from a person who absolutely doesn't believe OW are ordinary and would be aghast at being lumped into an ordinary category.

 

I don't consider and never have considered OW wild party girls or high flyers. Why would anyone think that? I would not necessarily claim their are 'ordinary' or 'normal' because the impression I get of women who engage in affairs or are currently in a long term affair don't have the same views/morals/ethics regarding fidelity, honestly, faithfulness, etc that others have ... those that don't engage in affairs or who have been through the pain and heartache of an affair. I know of several former OW who look back and do not like the person they were or aren't proud of their actions; which is very different than current OW. Maybe it is because of the past experience and wisdom from having been through it. Maybe it is because they current OW justify and excuse behavior or use the tired line of "I'm not the one breaking vows".

 

Back to ordinary --- I think OW come in all shapes and sizes --- there isn't a 'type' per say. But I never would have called them party girls or high flyers!

[Silly_Girl]

That's interesting. You must not have read some posts from a person who absolutely doesn't believe OW are ordinary and would be aghast at being lumped into an ordinary category.

 

I don't consider and never have considered OW wild party girls or high flyers. Why would anyone think that? I would not necessarily claim their are 'ordinary' or 'normal' because the impression I get of women who engage in affairs or are currently in a long term affair don't have the same views/morals/ethics regarding fidelity, honestly, faithfulness, etc that others have ... those that don't engage in affairs or who have been through the pain and heartache of an affair. I know of several former OW who look back and do not like the person they were or aren't proud of their actions; which is very different than current OW. Maybe it is because of the past experience and wisdom from having been through it. Maybe it is because they current OW justify and excuse behavior or use the tired line of "I'm not the one breaking vows".

 

Or maybe because their guy stuck with their original relationship even though the OW did REALLY REALLY want to be with them.

 

It's pretty easy to be disparaging of a person or situation once we've been dumped. I like the resilience we humans can show in such circumstances.

[Gentlegirl]

Or maybe because their guy stuck with their original relationship even though the OW did REALLY REALLY want to be with them.

 

It's pretty easy to be disparaging of a person or situation once we've been dumped. I like the resilience we humans can show in such circumstances.

 

I was not until the A unravelled and I got out from under it all that the enormity of what I did really flattened me.

When I was the OW it was really as though I was a different persona. Totally out of character.

 

I have never done anything like that before and never will again. If anything it has taught me to be very aware of my mental and emotional state.

 

I DO hate who I became fror 3 years and the way I behaved.

 

HUman are wonderfully resilient. Otherwise, how would we survive all the things we do to ourselves, others and what life throws our way.

 

Gentle

[SidLyon]

I googled it, not being a part of TOW, and the third item on the search list was by the same author and similarly titled. Except it was about the BW rather than the OW.

 

I have to agree that both articles paint a particular picture of the BW and also the OW (I later found the OW version of the article) that comes across as a little pathetic. It seems to indicate that a certain type of MM will cheat and that he will marry a certain type of wife and have affairs with a certain type of OW.

 

Maybe it has some basis in fact, but I don't necessarily think it true of all MM (or BW or OW).

[rowdweteedo]

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[NoIDidn't]

I googled it, not being a part of TOW, and the third item on the search list was by the same author and similarly titled. Except it was about the BW rather than the OW.

 

I have to agree that both articles paint a particular picture of the BW and also the OW (I later found the OW version of the article) that comes across as a little pathetic. It seems to indicate that a certain type of MM will cheat and that he will marry a certain type of wife and have affairs with a certain type of OW.

 

Maybe it has some basis in fact, but I don't necessarily think it true of all MM (or BW or OW).

 

I agree. I've never liked either version of the article. The one for OW makes it seem like whoever she is, she couldn't possibly have anything wrong with her and she's incredibly plain and blends in like the perfect predator. The one for BW makes it sound like everyone has their pathetic scripts written for them right at the altar.

 

Not a very imaginative author.

[anne1707]

I have just read both articles and found them both rather demeaning of the OW and the BS. It makes both of them out to be doormats grateful for whatever crumbs they get from the god like MM.

[browndog319]

I found this to be pretty spot on for me because what I love about my MM is that I believe that he is doing this because he is NOT this guy. I have never thought I was this woman. The part that frightens me is that if something happens to him, I would never know. I might hear at work, but I would grieve, be devastated, and I could not grieve openly.

 

We also had an instance where I visited him in the field and he told me to borrow his car. A company car. I refused bc what if there was an accident. How would I explain that?

 

We both lived in such a paranoid state.

 

However, the people that knew about us at work, the people that we trusted with it commented on what an amazing couple we were. The closeness, the compatibility. When we were out in public, we were the couple others couldn't take their eyes from because we were that in love. It was electrifying.

 

If you met me on the street, I'm a 39YO - attractive, preppy mom. Always dressed in J. Crew. Pretty boring clothes actually. On weekends I might wear a ball cap and flip flops so I look 10 years younger. Make up is very natural. Not sexy really at all. You would never guess.

 

But I never left the house without my phone and plenty of ways to keep it charged.

[silktricks]

I was not until the A unravelled and I got out from under it all that the enormity of what I did really flattened me.

When I was the OW it was really as though I was a different persona. Totally out of character.

 

I have never done anything like that before and never will again. If anything it has taught me to be very aware of my mental and emotional state.

 

I DO hate who I became fror 3 years and the way I behaved.

 

HUman are wonderfully resilient. Otherwise, how would we survive all the things we do to ourselves, others and what life throws our way.

 

Gentle

I'm glad you've been able to forgive yourself. Almost all of us do things on occasion that are completely out of the norm. As you say, a different persona. I had some screwy times in my late twenties, and those times also taught me the importance of keeping a finger on my own emotional pulse. I hated myself for a considerable time afterwards, but time does heal wounds - even those we do to ourselves.

[MissBee]

I found this to be pretty spot on for me because what I love about my MM is that I believe that he is doing this because he is NOT this guy. I have never thought I was this woman. The part that frightens me is that if something happens to him, I would never know. I might hear at work, but I would grieve, be devastated, and I could not grieve openly.

 

We also had an instance where I visited him in the field and he told me to borrow his car. A company car. I refused bc what if there was an accident. How would I explain that?

 

We both lived in such a paranoid state.

 

However, the people that knew about us at work, the people that we trusted with it commented on what an amazing couple we were. The closeness, the compatibility. When we were out in public, we were the couple others couldn't take their eyes from because we were that in love. It was electrifying.

If you met me on the street, I'm a 39YO - attractive, preppy mom. Always dressed in J. Crew. Pretty boring clothes actually. On weekends I might wear a ball cap and flip flops so I look 10 years younger. Make up is very natural. Not sexy really at all. You would never guess.

But I never left the house without my phone and plenty of ways to keep it charged.

 

 

You would never guess that you participated in an affair?

 

Interesting you say that. I have never associated participating in affairs with how someone looks or how they carry themselves. Pastors have affairs, teachers have affairs, women who look boring, men who look boring, doctors, lawyers, nurses etc. One doesn't need to look and/or behave in a salacious manner to have an affair.

 

I can understand how for example, someone would believe that an escort has "a look", albeit that may not be true, but I don't get why someone would think an OW/OM has a look.

[browndog319]

A normal relationship doesn't have any of that drama........carrying a phone around, just waiting, waiting and waiting for it to ring from your secret lover. Yes it has it's thrills, but in the long run the pain is much more than the thrills.

 

BBO7, I know, everything you have written is spot on because I am also not a drama queen. I hate drama, I want peace.

 

I hate that I've become this girl. Ugh. On my other thread I mentioned that I spent time with another guy this weekend and the thing that was the best about it (other than the fact that he is attractive and interested) is that he is AVAILABLE for a relationship. The open thing is very, very refreshing and it's been SOOOOO long. And it was amazing to have him make it very clear that he was not seeing anyone else and in his word, "I think I've made my intentions clear. I will be really upset if I find out you have a boyfriend or if you are seeing other people. I'm not going to be seeing other people while I'm seeing you." It took me until lunch today to fully process that and how I hadn't had that in a year.

 

This man I met two weeks ago offered me fidelity. And it felt foreign and it is nice and refreshing. Maybe I'm not really this girl!!!!

 

So there are other things that are red flags - he is chronically late and I'm a Virgo who is neurotic about being on time (or has panic attacks). He doesn't work yet seems to have a steady income (I've ruled out mobster and hitman). He admitted to disappearing from all when he needed to - but he said he was working on it and didn't want to do that with me. But he was honest about it. But this offer of fidelity (and damn, he's HOT) made me feel so wanted and like a first choice. I forgot what that was like.

 

oh, oh, oh!!!

[browndog319]

I don't believe who you are right now........is who you will be much longer. You're a smart gal......obviously and you are going to get out of this sooner than later.

 

Now about this new guy........I say have fun with him, but pay attention to those flags, someone moving too fast is a RED flag, not a yellow one but a RED one. So just concentrate on having fun.......but be careful.

 

Thank you - I'm hoping to not be this girl much longer. I am so tired of being sad and in pain. I've looked at pictures from the past year - the smile is the same smile but my eyes are not the same. They look tired, sad. Of course I turn 40 next month, but, you know, if MM called at 1:00 AM, I took the call and if we talked for 2 hours I was grateful. And that happened a lot!

 

I really appreciate your insight and perspective, BBO7 - why is this a RED flag? I worry that I won't be able to read a guy who is legit or full of crap moving forward. Part of me wondered if this was strange, but then I said, "am I just screwed up bc I had a married BF who couldn't commit to me and don't realize this is what normal men do when they are available and like a woman?"

 

He just texted me to invite me to a Yankee game tomorrow night. Unfortunately, I have my DD tomorrow night and can't get a sitter with this short notice and her dad has a crazy work deadline this week (otherwise I would switch with him). I am just surprised, again, by a man just saying, let's do this together. I want to spend time with you openly.

 

How long until you just trust your gut and don't overthink normal human interactions?

[browndog319]

You would never guess that you participated in an affair?

 

Interesting you say that. I have never associated participating in affairs with how someone looks or how they carry themselves. Pastors have affairs, teachers have affairs, women who look boring, men who look boring, doctors, lawyers, nurses etc. One doesn't need to look and/or behave in a salacious manner to have an affair.

 

I can understand how for example, someone would believe that an escort has "a look", albeit that may not be true, but I don't get why someone would think an OW/OM has a look.

 

Fair point - I guess I would have PREVIOUSLY assumed that an OW would be an overtly sexy woman. Not me. Obviously a wrong assumption. But I think that's what is interesting about this article - it is the person that you would least suspect. I really look like the freaking girl next door. I read all the time. I travel for work a lot, and before A I would read on planes and in airport bars so no one would approach me bc I didn't want to interact with strangers. Imagine some bookish chick with a ponytail reading and not looking at anyone flying off to sleep with a married man! Not the one you would pick out...