VIRALK Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) Read the thread below before replying, it's related to this one and it keeps me from writing another huge paragraph before telling the rest of what happened: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270513 Me and Freedom didn't work out, I guess... this is going to be a long story... a very long, hurtful, one. He was very hurtful towards me, sometimes. Ignoring me and avoiding was just the tip of the iceberg. He would claim that I would make it too easy for him to ignore me and that I should just learn to watch my mouth (basically) while everyone around us would be encouraged. I was so desperate for his attention and love, he never even bothered to tell me, "I love you" or that I was beautiful. You want to know the most romantic thing he ever told me? "Your p***y feels warm when we have sex without a condom." And like a fool, I just accepted it. I lost everything about myself, not only in the relationship with him, but, with everyone else. Because, you see, not only was I his girlfriend, I was also friends with his friends. His friends... They were six of us, seven if you count me, the majority of the group were white girls with very low social graces (and, I'll be honest), they weren't exactly that pretty. In fact, they were all overweight and handled things in a childish, catty ways. While the other two were white guys (one was a softspoken, nerdy boy with asperger's, while the other was openly gay and did not like it if you disagreed with him even a slight bit). We were all a group of nerds and I foolishly believed that we all loved each other and were great friends. I was such an idiot, then. If only I had realized earlier, I would've been still a virgin... One of those white girls, let's call her 'V', had a major crush on Freedom ever since I was still a Senior in High School (I met them in my Freshman year of College, he was a Sophmore at the time). No matter how many times (according to him) that he had told her that he was not interested, she still kept a torch for him. Even when we were dating, she still had this hold on him, like he was her pet or something. Near the end of the relationship, almost all of his time was spent with her (especially since she was the only one who had a car in our group), and he almost seemed to act if I were invisible. In fact, it seemed as if I were invisible to all of them (the soft spoken boy and another girl tried to stay connected with me, but I haven't spoken to them since the last day of the semester). On Facebook, I friended V's cousin. I did this to mend things, especially since V had accused me of saying something inflammatory about Catholicism, a religion that I (and V's cousin) adhere to. In a desperate attempt to really introduce myself, I tried to apologize for anything horrible I had said in a private message to her and only her. And instead, I get this... (her words are in bold lettering). Hey, I don't know if you really know me or even care, but if you're cousin (V) told you anything horrible about me, well, I'm not if it's true. According to her, I said a cruel joke about Catholics and Catholicism, which I really don't remember, but if I did, I want to apologize. Please don't mention it to V, I'd rather her hate me instead of her finding out I even tried to reach out to you. Again, I'm sorry and I hope to befriend you one day as a fellow art student and all. You need to stop being such a bitch and messing around in other peoples lives. You are a full of ****, deceitful skank. **** off.I'm sorry you feel that way. [*] and I'm sorry you're such a horrible person [*] I know I will never be able to change your mind, I really wish I would but I understand that you may hate me. I deserve this, I understand. [*] You are just a sad little person that needs to have all the attention to feel good about herself, get over it. Grow up because people in the real world don't like people like you. [*] No, I don't. I want to do the right thing by staying out of the way and apologizing to you. And no, I am not a sad little person, in spite of what you say, again all I can do is apologize to you and your cousin. I am sorry. [*] just stop you bull****, your ignorant for even trying to lie to me. [*] I am not lying to you. This is the truth. If you don't want to believe the truth, then fine. What can convince you that I am telling you the truth? That I am a horrible person that's going to hell? Then fine, I am. [*] Did I say that? nope, sure didn't, but that's interesting that you think so. Maybe that means you are lying? [*] I only want to make things right, I know you don't like me, and well, I already do think low of myself. I never felt so weak after that. When that broke out my entire world seemed to shatter apart. Instead of keeping it private, she made it publicly known. The sole gay person of the group, he was someone I truly saw as a good friend. He stabbed me in the back when this posted my apology everywhere and instead of defending me, he does this "Save it. -.-" and as a responsed? "Hell yeah, I'll save it. Anyone who messes with my cousin gets treated like this girl! -high five-" Not only that, I was immediately dropped by this circle of friends and written out of their lives like a failed character in a novel. My social anixety could not be helped because of this incident, I refused to go to class, even get out of my bedroom because of them. I failed all of my classes and now, I am on academic probation because of this issue. I had suicidal thoughts, stopped eating, but more importantly, I lost everything. I lost my relationships, my confidence, and my will to make art. I wanted to die. The only thing that helped me, was the friendship from a girl who's father was a preacher. This girl regarded with kindness and never judged or made fun of my dreams like they did. And because of her, I was able to meet kinder, good natured people who weren't so occupied in themselves, like the others. Still, as I have only 20 days left in my summer, I'm still afraid. How can I live my life, knowing that they're still judging me, talking about me. Will I ever move on? I'm...scared. And right now, I can barely breathe just thinking about it. Seeing them talking about me. Judge me. I'm so scared. Edited July 22, 2011 by VIRALK
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Still, as I have only 20 days left in my summer, I'm still afraid. How can I live my life, knowing that they're still judging me, talking about me. Will I ever move on? I'm...scared. And right now, I can barely breathe just thinking about it. Seeing them talking about me. Judge me. I'm so scared. Why does it matter if they judge you? What are they going to talk about that scares you? They don't matter, don't let your confidence, dignity, self-respect, and personal image of yourself depend on what other people think and talk about. All of this should only depend on one thing, and that's you. You will move on it just takes time and a lot of discipline on your part. If you want to heal and move on you will but if you don't want to move on then you won't, simple as that. Do No Contact with not only your ex, but his rather small social circle that you mentioned, I'm sure you will make your own social circle when classes start again and if his is as small as you say it is I bet you could out do him socially within a few weeks if you put forth a little effort in meeting people. It's ok to be scared, feel that emotion to it's full effect. Then look that fear in the eyes and stand up for yourself. Remember this isn't high school and even if it was his social circle is FAR away from owning the campus gossip directory. There's over 6.8 billion people in the world and you are worried about what 6 people think about you. stop worrying about them and only worry about what you think of yourself. So with those six people that's about .0000001% of the worlds population that thinks lowly of you.
Recommended Posts