mzbubbles Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Hello everyone, this is my very first post, I hope someone an give me a few pointers in the right direction. Basically, I've only ever gone out with liars, cheats, bullies, messers... Bad guys. My previous long term relationship lasted 4.5 years and he lied n snuck around a lot and we had lots of very bad arguments and physical fights, he'd always blame his actions and everything on me n tell me I was messed in the head if I ever caught him out with lying... No matter how awful he was, I still hung on n fought till the very very bitter end till he chucked me. My mum reckoned that I secretly thrived on the drama that my relationships have held, that's why I could never walk away and then end up picking someone else who was going to mess me around and treat me bad. To cut a long story short, I end up in therapy for 2 years which finished December 2010, do feel it helped in a few areas. Nye 2010-11, I meet a guy at a party and we hit it off. 26th feb we got together properly and have been together since. He's such a sweet genuine guy and treats me like a princess, never does any disappearing acts, I never notice any lies, we never argue at all, he basically adores me and spoils me rotten... But I'm not used to this and I'm now begging to see that maybe I did thrive on the drama and excitement as I am finding myself a little bit bored now. I know I'd be an utter fool to lose this guy so I am not considering leaving him at all, but I need to somehow change my way of thriving on the next hit of excitement and just enjoy a proper adult relationship with someone that really does love me. I did notice that last time we were together I was doing things to try n provoke him a bit, felt like I couldn't help it... But he didn't rise to it at all. Guess I'm just not used to this at all and although I know its good for me, I just don't know how to be and to stop myself from feeling bored in this.. I find when I get bored, I start to lose the attraction a bit. How can I stop these very unproductive patterns of behaviour?? My therapist used to tell me that I can't always have instant fun/pleasure/excitement etc and life generally is quite 'routine'.. I don't want to mess this relationship up but I'm not sure how to stop being an idiot coz I've never had a nice, normal, no drama relationship before. Please help!!! Link to post Share on other sites
sleepykitten Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 I recommend a book called "women who love too much" by robin Norwood, it sounds like you have some issues around addictive behaviour in that you need a constant high, thrill, bad boy, drama, etc, so yes to you a nice, relationship will seem dull, and trust me if this is the case you will sabotage it and down the line this behaviour will get worse as you will need more and more drame, take more and more risks, youre lucky you have a man who treats you like a princess. I did once too, and i totally fked it up because of exactly these issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mzbubbles Posted July 22, 2011 Author Share Posted July 22, 2011 Thanks for the book recommendation, I will deffo look into that. And as for me breaking up with him, don't think that was a helpful answer. Number one, I'm not a cheat at all. Even with my ex of 4.5 years when he was off cheating and sneaking, I remained faithful even though the opportunity to cheat arose plenty of times. So I think you have me all wrong.. Just coz in the last couple of weeks I've felt bored at times, it doesn't mean I am going to do anything about it and I know I have plenty of staying power. Plus I care about him a lot and I know he adores me and would not just dump him after 7 months of getting to know each other when everything has been so nice.. What reason would I give? 'oh I'm worried in a number of months I'm going to start treating you bad n hurting you'. Who would take an excuse like that from someone they were that close to? It'd kill him if I did that. so as far as cheating goes, that's not me, I'd never do it to anyone as I know how it feels. And yes I have done two years in therapy, I already said that.. And to be honest, I don't feel I need any more now, I'm just doing what I can to practise new behaviours and I have been told I will continue to get better as the months go on post therapy... I don't feel just dumping someone who loves me for no valid reason is going to help me at all just coz of how I have been in the past, how is that going to help me overcome a milestone??? You learn new things by getting right in there and practising.. Not saying 'nah, I'll never be in a normal relationship, I may as well just end it and go back to dating a-holes'. So any other advice other then dumping him for no real proper valid reason?? I wanted advice on things to do when a bored moment arises. I don't feel the boredom constantly, its been on and off for a couple of weeks, 50/50. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mzbubbles Posted July 22, 2011 Author Share Posted July 22, 2011 Also can I add, I have noticed a huge improvement in this relationship to previous ones as far as my own behaviour is concerned. Before I'd start to really go off them after 2-3 months of meeting them, so I definitely feel to get to 7 months after first meeting him and only just be starting to feel a spark of boredom is a huge achievement for me. I know I am different to how I was before therapy but just need a bit of guidance seeing as I no longer have therapist to talk to.... A therapist would never have said 'dump the poor guy before you hurt him', they would help you as best they could to try and point you towards different things. It was this kind of advice I was looking for Link to post Share on other sites
Author mzbubbles Posted July 22, 2011 Author Share Posted July 22, 2011 I didn't pay the therapist, we have something called the nhs in the uk and all my treatment was free. So quit trying to be smart or clever when you really have no clue Link to post Share on other sites
Author mzbubbles Posted July 22, 2011 Author Share Posted July 22, 2011 I can see I am probably not going to get any real helpful advice from this site and just smart alec answers from people who come out with cocky comments before they even know the situation. So this is it from me.. First and last day on loveshack. Thanks for being really helpful, feel my few hours on here has really enriched my life and given me a proper confidence boost. See ya Link to post Share on other sites
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