The hardest decision of my life - Anyone?

[willabert]

I'm new here so hello everybody.

 

So you can understand my problem I'll have to explain the situation from the start, so please, if you are going to comment, read the whole text before commenting judging me.

 

I don't know where to start, but I guess I have to start somewhere.

I've had this friend for a few years and we now have a lot of mutual friends now, and we hang together a lot. So this friend of mine, let's call him Paul, started seeing this girl(Ann) I and they slept together 1-2 times some months ago. When they started seeing each other it was never anything serious, they never hung out alone, only when they were with our mutual friends and it looked like nothing was going to happen between them. He played desperate and couldn't stop chatting with her and stuff, so she kinda lost interest pretty quickly. But after this they shared a couple of kisses when they were drunk, but she always just went home alone and it just seemed she was kissing him because she didn't want to let him down. When this comes around, Paul is always trying to play cool when we talk about her and tried to look like he didn't even care that nothing was ever going to happen.

In a group, I've always been the "funny guy" and the "alpha male" that knows how to treat girls(flirting without knowing), and over time she started to hang around with me more and more. Paul never commented on us hanging around, because we were only going to be friends anyhow, and he knew it. So when he was chilling with us, nothing happened between them, and she started sitting next to me when we were chilling watching a movie or something, I guess to tell him silently that it was over between them. But she never spoke about it, and neither did him.

So we began hanging around a lot because we liked exactly the same music and stuff, and we both knew we were never going to be anything more than friends, so I guess she felt "safe" when hanging around with me(I was not going to pull any moves like all the other guys do).

I always stayed in touch with her on Facebook and stuff, not like "Hi, how are you doing" chat's, but only when I had something to say, I guess opposite of what Paul did.

Later on we started hanging out at her place, and sometimes I got tired and spent the night at her house, just like I would with any of my other friends. I guess I just saw her as one of my guy friends.

She had this extra blanket in her bed that I always used, but sometimes she said she was using the other one for her head so we had to share it. I just played cool and we shared the blanket. I suspected she was making the move, but always ignored it. She always wore pajamas when I spent the night, but one night she wore only this large t-shirt and panties. At that time I couldn't even sleep because I thought it was so hot. That night she couldn't find my extra blanket so we had to share hers. Our legs touched an awful lot that night, but we always pretended nothing happened, but started to hang around a lot more. The more nights we spent together, the more we "casually" bumped into each others legs, pretending that nothing happened, we were only friends.

By time we have grown to be almost best friends, and that is in like 6 months. Paul is now extremely jealous of me, but only shows it when he's drunk, not by telling it to me, but with all those looks he gives me. When he's sober he tries to play cool, but when we hang together he's another man, trying to be an alpha male by declining my requests and some other douche bag moves, but he always tries to keep his cool. When he's drunk, on the other hand, he can't leave her alone, and when I join the two of them he's always a bit awkward.

Lately, I guess I've starting to "flirt" Ann a bit, just to see if she has really been making these move's or if it's just "casual friends" kind of stuff she's been pulling, and now it's really clear that she really wants me. And I do really want her. But we share so many friends in common, including Paul and I know that Paul is still really in to her, still trying to make moves on her when he's drunk, but she always ends up chilling with me, rubbing my neck in that extremely sexy way.

 

In conclusion:

We are falling in love with each other, always hanging out together, massaging each others heads and stuff, so it's clearly heading somewhere, but we have been fooling around for such a long time, maybe 3-4 months now, and haven't even kissed. She sometimes sends me signals like this time we were watching some movie she said this about the characters: "imagine, they have been in love for all this time and they haven't even kissed each other". But I never do anything about it except being casual, because of Paul.

If I don't make a move I know I hate myself for it for the rest of my life, but it so complicated when such a good friend of mine has these feelings for her. I've thought so many times about making a move because I can't stop thinking about her, and I sense the same feelings from her, it's so obvious. And I'm not this "friend-zone" kind of guy, if you have started thinking that, so please don't start talking about that, this has just evolved over such a long time, and now she really wants me(she's always sending the signals).

 

So please help me. I need to do something. If you think I should make a move, how can I do it without being awkward because "we are only supposed to be friends". And what can I say to Paul, if I should say anything?

 

I'm sorry the text is so long, it's just such a complicated thing, and in fact, I skipped some key points that I will clear out if you have any questions.

 

In hope of good advices,

sincerely,

Will.

[prosense]

Will, first off, wow- I think you are a great man in that you try so hard in order not to jeopardize your friendship. Jugginng 3 balls at the same time must be insanely driving you crazy- but you are donig hell of a job-

 

Well, the way I see it is this

I wonder how close you and Paul are. I guess depending on the depth of the friendship you and Paul share, I guess you can make a move on Ann or not. If it not deep enough to disregard, I think you can seriously consider going for Ann.

 

You wrote that Paul exhibits his jealousy only when he is drunk. Well, maybe it is just true jealousy.. not anything deep. No real feelings for Ann, but just as a 'man', he feels small coz the girl that he is interested in is fliring with another guy (not just a guy but his friend) in front of him. Men are so terrotorial after all.

 

I'd say, in order to solve this knotty situation, you may want to sit down with Paul and have a heart-to-heart talk about Ann. I think you can leave Ann out of the picture at the moment and just deal with Paul.

 

If he does not want to give her up, then well, you may want to back out since it is going to be just ugly. And if he were to be okay about you being with Ann, I'd say go for her. But then again, you also need to talk to with Ann about you and Paul having a talk. At this point, she might feel offended for being ping-ponged across the table as if you and Paul own her or whatever. So bruit the see very carefully.

 

In any case, if you don't have blessing from Paul, it is going to break the deal.

 

Good luck!

[willabert]

Thanks for the quick reply.

Over time me and Paul have grew apart a bit, and we have never been extremely close friends, but good friends nevertheless.

 

I think he has strong feelings for her, and that's the main problem, because she complete ignores that and is always calling me and hanging around with me.

 

I'm horrified by the idea of speaking about this to Paul so I've been wondering if we could have a secret relationship, or is that just the stupidest thing to do?

 

She is going away for some time in a few days and I've always been determined that I have to make a move before that, or she might find me too uninterested and fade away.

 

I was thinking maybe next weekend I'll look her in the eyes, look at her lips, her eyes again and just stare into them and see what happens... maybe I wont dare, but I really would like some advice from you guys.

 

Thanks.

[Truly Lost]

I don't think you should give up a chance of happiness with Ann because of Paul. Do you think Paul would go for Ann, if he knew you were interested in her, but nothing was obviously going on between you two? You all are friends....but what's interesting to me is you are concerned about losing Paul's friendship over dating this woman, but you don't seem that concerned about sabotaging your friendship with Ann if you were to take your friendship to a romantic level. Seems like you are very on board to risk that.

 

I say, don't worry about it and just go for it. If Paul and Ann were going to be an item, something would have happened by now. If Paul is a really big concern to you, then talk to him about it. Don't ask him if you can date Ann, tell him you are going to ask her if she wants something more with you.

 

Anyway, I'm not trying to be the devil's advocate, but life's too short for this sort of friend loyalty. It's not like you're stealing his wife.

 

I ran into a friend of mine just recently after not seeing him for 12 years. I thought he was hot!! He still is.

 

Anyway, He asked me (to my surprise), "Why did we never date?" I was taken a back. I said, "Because you weren't interested in me." and he said, "Oh, yeah I was." So I said, "Why didn't you say anthing?" and he said, "Because I did think you liked me back and I was too nervous to ask you."

 

Well, i'm still single and hopelessly looking for that special someone at 36 years old and he is married with 3 kids. That could have been me.

 

Do you see what I'm saying?

[mo mo]

I've been in a VERY similar situation.

 

My friend E, who I met at college and had tons of fun with, messed around with this girl M at college. She also became part of our group at one point. It was never that serious between E and M, but they were an item for a bit. After college, we all went our separate ways, but E lives relatively close to me so I still hung out with him. M lived really far away, but she eventually moved down to the city, so she started hanging out with me and E again.

 

E thought he could rekindle what he had with M, but it was obvious to everyone but E that she was not really interested. M did start getting closer to me. In fact, we hung out together a few times, and she even invited me over one late night to have a few drinks and watch a movie..

 

I totally could have nailed M that night. In fact, she asked me to spend the night with her. Thinking that my relationship with E would be damaged by this situation, I declined. I kicked the idea around my head of just going ahead with M.. so we had a few phone convos, and we even admitted to each other we were attracted. I still could not pull the trigger though.

 

Her ex boyfriend from upstate moved down here, they got back together, and now they live together... miserably if you ask me. Fast forward a few years. M is still really good looking and has a great personality. Her bf/husband (it's been a really long time..) J is kinda quirky but funny. He is a bit of a slob though.. he really does not care about his physical appearance and he is socially awkward. Basically, M ends up going out to do things by herself quite often cuz J is such a flake (even by his own admission). I hangout with M and J sometimes, but it really seems awkward between me and M at times. It's pretty obvious she hedged her bets and kinda wishes she was with me instead of J. There's plenty of evidence of that, but I don't want to make this too long.

 

I still hang out with E from time to time, but our relationship turned into something I never thought it would, and it's mostly his fault. To be honest, the only reason I hang out with E now is because he is usually available. I have a weird schedule and I am kinda spontaneous, so there are times when I wanna do something and he is down.

 

The moral of this story is that I didn't take the risk on building a potentially amazing romantic relationship with someone I really respected and had a strong attraction to just because I was worried about what would happen with a guy friend that I kinda don't care for too much anymore. She is unhappy with her man, but she hangs on.

 

If you really think there is a strong romantic connection with this girl, you should just go for it. Have a man to man talk with your friend when the time comes. Don't let the opportunity slip away like I did.

[tigressA]

You should pursue Ann. Don't let yourself look back and think "What if...?"

[mo mo]

You should pursue Ann. Don't let yourself look back and think "What if...?"

 

Yea.. like me.

 

PS LOVELY AV YOU HAVE THERE

[tigressA]

Yea.. like me.

 

PS LOVELY AV YOU HAVE THERE

 

:laugh:

 

Basically why I posted here. I wanted you to notice.

[mo mo]

:laugh:

 

Basically why I posted here. I wanted you to notice.

 

Oh cool

 

Well you could give some insight on my situation. I don't think I emphasized how much it sucks..

[tigressA]

Oh cool

 

Well you could give some insight on my situation. I don't think I emphasized how much it sucks..

 

I don't want to threadjack. Why don't you start your own thread?

 

Anyway, OP, good luck. Go after Ann and tell Paul to man up. Please update to let us know what happens! I remember there being another thread like this from someone else, awhile back. And the guy never updated.

[Professor X]

Go for the girl, this Paul dude had his chance, she wasn't interested. Now it's your turn.

 

P.S. Paul won't keep you warm at lonely nights, she will.

[KathyM]

My suggestion would be, in order to preserve the friendship with Paul, go to him first and say "I think I'm falling for Susan (or whatever her name is), and I know you kind of have a thing for her too. I wanted to let her know that I'm interested, but I thought I'd talk to you about it first. I'm thinking we could each express our feelings towards her separately, and we'd just let her decide which one is right for her, and the other guy would back off. How does that sound to you?" You don't want to lose the friendship with Paul over that girl, so I think this would be the best approach. By bring it up to Paul, he may decide to just let you go for it and he would back off without putting the choice to the girl. That would be the way to preserve the friendship with Paul while still pursuing a possible relationship with the girl.

[willabert]

Hey!

Thanks for all the replies "guys".

 

I've been in a VERY similar situation.

 

My friend E, who I met at college and had tons of fun with, messed around with this girl M at college. She also became part of our group at one point. It was never that serious between E and M, but they were an item for a bit.

 

That is exactly my position.

 

I ran into a friend of mine just recently after not seeing him for 12 years. I thought he was hot!! He still is.

 

Anyway, He asked me (to my surprise), "Why did we never date?" I was taken a back. I said, "Because you weren't interested in me." and he said, "Oh, yeah I was." So I said, "Why didn't you say anthing?" and he said, "Because I did think you liked me back and I was too nervous to ask you."

 

That's my worst nightmare. We have so much in common and I really enjoy spending time with her. When we are arguing I really feel like we are a couple and I know exactly when to stop and we just become closer every time.

 

but what's interesting to me is you are concerned about losing Paul's friendship over dating this woman, but you don't seem that concerned about sabotaging your friendship with Ann if you were to take your friendship to a romantic level. Seems like you are very on board to risk that.

 

That's exactly what I forgot to mention.

Because I feel we are so good friends, all of us, I don't want to ignore her when she asks me if I want to chill because I would never want to loose her as a friend, no matter what Paul thinks about our friendship. If Paul would come to me and say "That's kinda my girl, you have to stop hanging around with her so much" I would tell him that I never could jeopardize my friendship with Ann because of their moments back in the days.

 

So now I'm really confused, because if I made a move and it wouldn't work out after a few months, then we could obviously not be as close friends as we are now. That's what I'm terrified of.

 

Some of you say I should just go for it, and I will if she continues to make those moves. But if she stops it, I guess that's all that she wants, just friends, and we will fade away from each other with time.

On that subject, we never would be hanging around so much if she wasn't really that into me so I'm back at square one.

 

Man, life has never been this complicated.

 

edit: I forgot to mention one thing. This one night(~2 months ago) we went to this club with all our friends and I was hanging around with this other girl. So I met her and she played cool, but was really drunk and looked me in the eyes and sung to this song that was playing, like she was talking to me, saying that we should get it on.

Paul said they shared a couple of kisses that night but she took a cab home with her X boyfriend and Paul got really jealous and was almost torn down.

I called her and asked her what move that was, just leaving with her X, she said she didn't, she just went home alone and nothing happened. Later that night she called me and asked me if I wanted to join her and her X in a chill and I said no.

The morning after I went to her house and she explained what had happened, nothing happened between her and her X, she just hadn't spoke to him in such a long time and wanted to clear things up or something(don't know if it's true or not).

So I told her she had to tell Paul what's going on between them and if there was anything going to happen. Then she said that she would like to continue that thing with Paul if he wasn't so craving all the time.

After that chat with her, nothing has happened between her and Paul and we hang around all the time. I that moment was a turning point in our relationship, although she said she wanted to continue doing something with Paul, I really think she was just saying that so she wouldn't be left out.

Since then we hang around almost all the time, but we both are playing kind of "hard to get", we don't message each other the whole time we're not together.

 

I would really like to get a woman's view on that turning point, am I sensing her right? That she doesn't really want me over Paul?

 

Thanks again.

 

edit2:

Another strange thing, this girl we know(me and Paul), that he has slept with 2-3 times also showed a lot of interest with me that night, and we danced all night long, but I couldn't make a move because it would be extremely awkward, both for me and Paul, and me and Ann.

Edited July 23, 2011 by willabert