Recently divorced & moving on, is it the right thing to do?

[James_H]

Hello everybody, my name is James.

As this is my first post here, I figured that this forum would be the best place to start. So please bare with me as I get the ball rolling!

 

I was married for almost 7 years to a wonderful and very special woman. For the past 2 years of that we were seperated and our divorce was recently finalized last month. Like many here I'd be willing to say that like myself, things were great in the marriage. We hardly argued and when we did it was over before we knew it. We eventually made the move here, to OKC seeing as there wasn't anything left for us where we lived at the time. Everything was still good at the time, but then it all changed. Various problems and what I believed were "small issues" contributed to my ex leaving me. Without going into any big detail right now, I'll just say that she left me without even giving me any clues or even a chance to fix things for the better. To some extent I felt cheated and still do sometimes. I realize through talking with my mom of all people that I could've done some things better in the marriage, but now won't get the chance to.

 

I can certainly understand how the issue of "moving on" is as touchy a subject as it is with some people. Even after 2 years of separation and the marriage finally ending, I'm finding it very difficult to take that next step. After we initially separated, we didn't talk unless it concerned our son together. After some time and a few strange turns, the talk began about staying together after the divorce. Our way of thinking, "not married = less stress...hmm?" Needless to say, this has been an on again-off again thing and honestly..I'm growing tired of it. We had recently decided that after our respective leases were up that it was time to make the move back in together. That was until she did another 180* and changed her mind again saying, "we're just not ready yet." All this after 2 years of waiting and being very patient!

 

I'm having the roughest time deciding whether or not if I should move on and possibly leave her behind. We've talked at length about it and I've told her that as far as I'm concerned, me having to find another place without her there will be like I'm going ahead with my life. Plus, if I'm there and she decides that she's ready then great! It's her lucky day. Otherwise, if i'm not there then she's just SOL!

This is all compounded with other issues and problems that we're both dealing with. Not to mention the fact that I still love her and she returns the same feelings also.

 

I don't mind going into further details about what's going on if it will help in getting some advice from people out there. As I've said, lots of things were left out for right now, but I'll certainly contribute what I can when asked! I'm by no means saying that our situation is unique from others here although it sometimes feels that way (is that strange?).

 

Thanks again for the help and advice. Looking forward to making some new friends as well.

 

James

[teerockness]

Welcome to the forums.

 

Realistically, you're probably going to have to share more details about the specifics of the situation to get advice that will be helpful. I.e. - why did you break up? You mention a variety of problems and "small issues" but don't say what they are.

 

Basically, I feel like you're asking us if you think things can work with your ex-wife but I don't have any basis for judgement given limited information.

 

Anyway, welcome aboard and good luck.

[James_H]

Welcome to the forums.

 

Realistically, you're probably going to have to share more details about the specifics of the situation to get advice that will be helpful. I.e. - why did you break up? You mention a variety of problems and "small issues" but don't say what they are.

 

Basically, I feel like you're asking us if you think things can work with your ex-wife but I don't have any basis for judgement given limited information.

 

Anyway, welcome aboard and good luck.

 

Maybe I should've made everything known in the OP, sorry for not doing so. Lets see what I can do here...

 

My ex and I split back in July of '09, which is actually the same month as our anniversary (what a gift..). At first, I thought this was all a sudden emotional response without considering what might result from it. But then one day I was getting somw stuff from her car that she had asked for and found the paper work for a new apartment. Keep in mind this had been done before she even mentioned leaving...

I was never given specific details as to why she wanted to go accept for the things that I believed weren't serious enough for someone to walk out on a marriage, (not happy, things weren't going how she thought they should etc.). It also didn't help with her step-father passing away as she said it confused her even more! I tried so many times to get her to agree to some family/marriage counseling, but she refused every single time saying, "that it wouldn't do us any good anyway!" And truthfully, I think that we've argued more since we separated/divorced than while we were together, just my .02c.

 

For the next couple of months we didn't tald at all, unless it concerned our little boy. Around October we started talking a little more and even began seeing more of each other as we started to find some common ground again. As we got closer to December things seemed to be improving or at least until the facebook issue came in to play. I'd asked for her to friend me so I could list her as the person that I was seeing, or at least acknowledge who she was. It really upset her as she wanted something to herself. I didn't say more about it, but she eventually added me (I was shocked that she did). One day I'm looking at her posts and find some stuff dated around the time when we started an attempt to reconcile. I'd had a gut feeling that she was seeing someone long before this happened. Not too long before there was a wallpaper on her phone of the OM when she answered it and then text messages including one that stated she was staying with me over the weekend and hated being there! Then telling the OM "I love you." I also answered her phone early one morning before heading out to work and it was a text asking if she was still up! Back to facebook...This is where she admitted to seeing the OM a few times and went on saying some terrible things about me! Including I wasn't a good father, didn't help with child support etc..

Anyway, around New Years Eve I finally confronted her with all the evidence and she tried playing it off, acting like she never remembered putting any of that on there. I never went for it and really let her know how it made me feel!

 

To date, I don't think she's been anywhere near the guy from before. Everything seems to be better, on the up and up...so to speak. We talk a lot, but we argue a lot also. I sometimes feel it's because we never went to counseling together and this has been how all of our emotions and feelings are coming out. As I mentioned in another post somewhere, she's done a 180* and now we're not ready to move back in together after 2 years apart! She has some issues that I already knew about, but uses them as an excuse that she just can't do it right now. Some are personal but stuff like her health (been sick off and on, diabetic..) stand out. We've talked some in depth about what's going on and I feel like there's been some ground made in the process.

 

The more we talk, we agree that our feelings are still there and what we had went way beyond a marriage. I've personally told her that it may seem like that it's changed, but I don't believe so. I believe those feelings are just buried and need to be dug out again, that's all! I've offered my support anyway possible including trying to get her on some kind of a program for her diabetic supplies as she's been going without them for a few months now (can't afford any).

 

So in a nut shell, there it is. Anymore questions please ask, I'll answer

 

My question is, where do I go from here?

[2sunny]

there's nothing to do unless she stops seeing her OM completely. she should be willing to give you complete access to all her communication forms, email passwords, phone access etc.

 

IF she's not willing to do anything you ask- especially getting completely rid of any contact with her OM - she doesn't intend to make the M work.

 

why would you want her when she cheats? what is she going to do to REPAIR the damage SHE has caused?

 

it's hers to fix... so until she makes all this effort - ignore her.

[willowthewisp]

Hello and welcome to LS.

 

So, your ex wife (you two are now divorced) left you with no warning, having arranged to get herself an apartment. She did not discuss any unhappiness or problems with you and gave you no opportunity to work on your relationship first? Do I have this correct?

 

You then discover on FB and her phone that she has been cheating on you and you know or you suspect that this started before she left you?

 

In any case, she was sleeping with you and telling you she wanted to reconcile but at the same time you found text messages to OM telling him she hated spending time with you and that she loved him. This is called cake eating, the cheating spouse strings the betrayed spouse along until they are sure that the relationship with OM will work. You are being used, financially and emotionally, she is able to let go of you with your emotional support, wean herself off you and if things don't work out with OM then she would stay with you.

 

It is my guess that this is what your XW has been doing, I suspect that she is still seeing OM or maybe a different one and that is why she has said she is not willing to move back in, everything she is saying to you is just excuses, but at the same time she is not ready to cut all ties with you as she knows she can continue to string you along.

 

I may be wrong about this but I have seen the familiar pattern here on LS many, many times, sadly. I would urge you to do some digging, maybe even hire a PI and find out if she is still involved with someone else.

 

Your XW has given no indication of being committed to you and to working on your marriage, she has refused MC and everything is on her terms. I really do suspect that she is cake eating and is feeding you these lines about still loving you in order to keep you hanging.

 

My advice, I would move on. Regardless of whether or not she is cake eating, she has cheated on you whilst supposedly trying to reconcile. The two of you are divorced and have been living seperately for two years. That is totally unfair on you, why on earth should she expect you to put your life on hold whilst she waivers back and forth and plays with your emotions. She has not made any committment to working on the marriage at all and has lied and cheated at the same time. She has absolutely no respect for you or for her child whose life she is effecting as well. Your son has had his life distrubed, been taken out of his home with two parents, has possibly seen mummy with OM in her bed or being affectionate and has seen his parents spending time together as well, how confusing for the poor child and how disgustuing that your XW is so selfish she does not care.

 

Obviously it is your choice and this is just my opinion, but personally, I think you have put up with more than enough. You can do much better than this women and you deserve much better and what's more you son deserves some stability and a good role model of healthy relationships, not this mess your XW is presenting to him through her own selfish choices.

Edited July 23, 2011 by willowthewisp

[James_H]

Hello and welcome to LS.

 

So, your ex wife (you two are now divorced) left you with no warning, having arranged to get herself an apartment. She did not discuss any unhappiness or problems with you and gave you no opportunity to work on your relationship first? Do I have this correct?

 

You then discover on FB and her phone that she has been cheating on you and you know or you suspect that this started before she left you?

 

You're correct, it came about all at one time. I didn't have any idea that she was planning to leave, let alone get another place like she did. One day something triggered an arguement and that was the result. I found out about the apartment by accident though. As for facebook and cheating, I want to say that she was already seeing the OM before we decided to reconcile and then claimed that they stopped doing anything together when we got back together. I've long suspected that it might have started before, but can't prove it. Kind of a coinsidence that the OM actually lives (and works) in the same apartments also!!

 

In any case, she was sleeping with you and telling you she wanted to reconcile but at the same time you found text messages to OM telling him she hated spending time with you and that she loved him. This is called cake eating, the cheating spouse strings the betrayed spouse along until they are sure that the relationship with OM will work. You are being used, financially and emotionally, she is able to let go of you with your emotional support, wean herself off you and if things don't work out with OM then she would stay with you.

 

It is my guess that this is what your XW has been doing, I suspect that she is still seeing OM or maybe a different one and that is why she has said she is not willing to move back in, everything she is saying to you is just excuses, but at the same time she is not ready to cut all ties with you as she knows she can continue to string you along.

 

Yeah and this isn't the first time that concerns like this have been expressed. Truthfully, it's always in the back of my head as well. The big one was when I got that message before going off to work that one morning from the OM (assuming it was him..?) asking if she was still awake? Believe me, I went off later asking her WTF! Even then, she didn't see anything wrong with it and I told her, "you're in bed with me while I'm sleeping, talking with some other guy...what gives?" Pissed me off big time!

Some of my family has also expressed concerns that she's only hanging around when there isn't someone else for her to mess with. Sometimes I start feeling like this could be true. I suspect it some also and even went so far as to ask her to remove him from her facebook page (which she did). But now it's back to me not being on there either and that includes my family as well, all deleted off! She swears that it's just because she wants it for herself, but if it's anything like last time...

 

I may be wrong about this but I have seen the familiar pattern here on LS many, many times, sadly. I would urge you to do some digging, maybe even hire a PI and find out if she is still involved with someone else.

 

Your XW has given no indication of being committed to you and to working on your marriage, she has refused MC and everything is on her terms. I really do suspect that she is cake eating and is feeding you these lines about still loving you in order to keep you hanging.

 

My advice, I would move on. Regardless of whether or not she is cake eating, she has cheated on you whilst supposedly trying to reconcile. The two of you are divorced and have been living seperately for two years. That is totally unfair on you, why on earth should she expect you to put your life on hold whilst she waivers back and forth and plays with your emotions. She has not made any committment to working on the marriage at all and has lied and cheated at the same time. She has absolutely no respect for you or for her child whose life she is effecting as well. Your son has had his life distrubed, been taken out of his home with two parents, has possibly seen mummy with OM in her bed or being affectionate and has seen his parents spending time together as well, how confusing for the poor child and how disgustuing that your XW is so selfish she does not care.

 

Obviously it is your choice and this is just my opinion, but personally, I think you have put up with more than enough. You can do much better than this women and you deserve much better and what's more you son deserves some stability and a good role model of healthy relationships, not this mess your XW is presenting to him through her own selfish choices.

 

I've thought about a PI, but right now money is really tight so it's out of the question. And you're right also in that there's been no actual "commitment" to the relationship either. So I know what I need to do, it's just hard to get going in that direction is all. Agreed, it's not good for the kids and certainly not fair either. Choices need to be made and they're coming...

[KME39]

Personally I would move on. She could very well just hang around until something better comes around. Once that happens you will be put into the same situation that you were before.

[teerockness]

Okay, I was hanging in there with you until you got to the part about her removing you (and your family) from Facebook (again).

 

Basically, this doesn't seem to be the act of somebody that is respectfully trying to reestablish a relationship with you again.

 

This looks to be the act of a secretive cheater, which she's already proven herself to be.

 

I imagine this is so difficult considering she is the mother of your child, but I concur with the others - time to move on.

 

At minimum, do a 180 (look it up on the forums); any attempt to pursue her or express your desire for her will absolutely blow up in your face.

 

In this situation, where she's walked away - she needs to be the pursuer (ideally) or at minimum approaching the situation with sincerity and respect, which I guess I just don't see here - but I've been wrong before.

 

Stay strong-

 

TR