Ladygator Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) This is long. I'm very tender, sore and hurting. Everything hurts. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of complete no contact. Background: Together for a year. He's 28, I'm 19. One miscarriage (pill failure) 8 months in he moved interstate. I was supposed to go with him. I was finishing studies and couldn't then. Went Long Distance. Ex turned into a mean, mean man. In the first month I started talking to a man at work. It got very suggestive. Ex found out, left me. I flew up, we got back together. Split up in March when we couldn't handle the distance anymore, I cheated on him again, same man I was talking to. This man was very very in love with me and very very hurt. He hated me for a month, but we still spoke every day. He chilled out a bit. I stayed with him every step of the way to show my apologies. We didn't (and never have) gone a day without talking. Month 3 he was getting very "I still miss you, I want you, I'll pay for your flights, I'm still looking at couple accommodation." Then he just stopped. And I booked flights, for last Thursday. I got back on this Tuesday night. He insisted it was just to "hang out." The man himself is VERY career focused (he just got his new dream job) and money focused. Hence why I was so surprised he spent a dime on me. What happened: He picked me up from the airport (long drive there and back), was sincere and well-spoken, something he wasn't when we were together. He drove me to places I hadn't been, he told me I looked beautiful, he bought me drinks (his deal is not to buy girls drinks) and he took me clubbing. He was not a fan of doing these things for me before. We felt like a split married couple.. still together but a distance. Very high chemistry between us, even now he says I'm still his pick of the litter of his previous girlfriends. He's unable to say he doesn't love me anymore. He wants me to come back to visit a few times. We're both very attracted to each other and more than once complimented by strangers on being a fantastic looking couple (both light eyed, tall, dark haired, high cheekbones, etc) and my explosive libido is calmed by him. Insert insane passions here. Great 4 days, no arguments. Some conflicting thoughts in my head. Pro's: I was kissing him quite roughly, I didn't want to get intimate, and he said "no, babe, kiss me like you still love me." He still called me "my girl." He wouldn't let go of me all night. He's not a big cuddler. He was thoughtful and courteous. Jokingly said "I don't think I could live in the same bedroom as you, look at all these clothes!" with a smile on his face and a slap on my butt. It felt exactly like the best time we were together, the whole four days. Dreamily, "when I make my millions, I'll buy you everything you want." The only couple of things he really said against it was when he was looking at a new house (he's relocating), he said "I don't think you should come with me, I don't want them to think you're moving in too." And when I was leaving, "I can't kiss you, I don't want you to get upset." When I got him he called me 4 times that night during the journey home to make sure I was okay. So I left and sent him an email. Me: "Do you still love me?" Him: "Sometimes. I still feel like I just wanna do my own thing right now though." Had an MSN conversation later: Me: I still love you. Seeing you clinched it. Him: I dont wanna get dragged into an emotional minefield with u. if u cant be happy with where im at in my life then im sorry. u had your chance i did my bit and now im just gonna do what makes me happy for now no stress. Me: I appreciate that you talked to me. Him: would you please just chill. why u rushing to get married and **** (name) Me: I'm not. I don't want to lose you. Him: seems like you want to seal the nail in the coffin, its silly. im not goin anywhere man. lemme make my millions i invite u up, id still be single anyway. Me: You say that and then bam you'll have 4 kids and a wife and I'll be sitting there going when the **** did that happen. Him: even then i wanna just chill out, i dont move into relationships very fast any more Me: You're saying "maybe." Him: Im trying not to say maybe because its way out in the future sometime. Me: I still don't get it.. I like you, you like me, I'm finally where you want me completely. I feel sick thinking about anyone else. Him: Your not where I want you. I want you to be less jittery and flighty your like a cat with a mouse. You wont know until your a bit older. Work a stable job for 6 months instead of **** arsing around at strip clubs. U might get a clearer picture then when u stop focusing on ****ing and men. You jump ship too often too jittery i dont need that jitterbug. Me: I wanna settle with you. Hell I'd even fly down and see you every month until I could get there. I dunno, I'd make a hell of a lot more effort than I used to though. him: I know. You make plenty. Like i did in my past, but its not about the effort its about the timing u cant change that. (insert more of my long winded pleas) Him: you tryin to win me like a job offer ? i dunno what to say. there is no vacancy right now but we like you and we may have a job in future I told him I felt similar to the girl before me, the only girl he's ever strung along for a while. He said: I told her NO because it was just silly nicest chick but it was just not going to work out there was no point dating her she would think it was getting serious she cut her losses she wanted a guy pretty bad so she went elsewhere told her i wasnt dating her from like week 3 she liked to **** and so did i, not my problem if she couldnt deal with it same goes for you really except the difference is your not too short, your just not quite there in the head i dont think yet i also didnt want no relationship right now Me: but we felt like we were together this week, man. Him: u pushing me as always i was lonely and we get on good why u gotta make it into marriage Me, hurt: .. so I could have been anyone? Aw, **** dude. him: there u go reading **** wrong whatever, sick of correcting u, **** sake u do it every time then u complain stfu with your fake allogations me; so.. where we are right now, not together, not planning on being together, just friends. him; well to be honest same place i was with (other girl) except i told her outright no im tellin u not right now i am fairly consistent in my ways your not gona just budge me with your wants and talks im a ****in clydesdale stop tugging on my goddamn mane. me; I love you and I'm sorry for everything. him; dont pull the weird i love you im sorry card how aobut you just chillax u flew up here with an EXPECTATION i told u to come hang out u couldnt do as i told u now you got issues Me; Anyway, I only got anxious when I knew I was leaving again, and I'm anxious now because I know you're rejecting me. him; Im not actually rejecting as such Your pushing me Im in the same mode i was in when u were here Me; I'm trying to do the right thing and make sure you know how I feel. him; well ****ing duh u flew up i knew it last time im not dumb u know. sigh, your being childish, short sighted. Me: it ****ing hurts. I wanted you so much I would have done anything for you man.You made me feel really beautiful this week, Not hot or sexy or a piece of ass, No one has every done that before.. him; your going around in major circles (name) me: say you don't love me or you don't want to be with me. (no answer for an hour.) Me; this whole situation ****ing sucks really hard. Him: can you stop for tonight. srsly wtf. too much. exploding my msn. your begging. come back talk to me when u have sleep and clear head. That was heavily chopped and censored, too long otherwise with all my words, but.. that's the gist. Heart hurts.. the man still treated me like he loved me. This is probably better than it looks. We're still talking about all that happened, like old friends, and he doesn't bring it up or get angry about it.. we got over that together. He knows I haven't left his side for the last 4/5 months. I dunno, guys.. I can't just be his friend. He never did like talking about this sort of thing, he gets very defensive even if we're together or not. He reacts best when I'm calm and don't mention things. But I'm sick of waiting. He's just a chilled out guy and I don't want to get caught in a "oh don't call me hon anymore, got a girlfriend.. seeya." He wants me to come up and see him again, I could probably afford it once a month each way. Help me proceed. Edited July 22, 2011 by Ladygator
0hpenelope Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 If you want to keep in touch with him, then that's what you need to be: calm and collected. You can stay in touch with him sure, but you will have to remain clear that you don't see him as someone who you can be platonic with. You see him as a romantic partner and not just a friend. If you can keep up a relationship like that, where you've all but offered yourself to him to be placed in his back pocket, then you'll have to learn to not dwell in that perspective and you will have to exercise patience, patience, patience. You also risk being placed in the Friends Zone, but it has happened before that couples got back together in spite of becoming platonic. It's really confusing, but there's really no linear way about these things, unfortunately. You know, just placing myself in that situation where I'm talking to my ex but I have to be careful with what I say, how I project myself, and how I'm acting just sounds really, really tiring. I think this is why the majority of people just advise to cut losses and move on because having to be vigilant during interactions with someone sounds like it's more trouble than it's worth. I'm not sure I like your set up, hon. Just being honest. Because you going up to him shows that you're on his string - and he's actually giving you advice on how to act around him. One tug by him and bam! You're there, ready, available, and eager. Isn't that hurtful to you? You're chasing him and he's telling you that he's not ready, he doesn't want you right now, yet still you're not listening to him. How about his actions, you say, when you're cuddling and what-not? He freaking flew you up to be with him! Anecdote time: I'm not a full believer of actions speaking louder than words because a previous ex (the one who actually led me to discovering LS) would cuddle with me, want my company, etc. From an outsider's perspective, it really looked like he was pursuing me. Unfortunately, my ex's actions betrayed me. His actions showed me that he desired to be with me, but he actually wanted the company of a girlfriend; instead of pursuing another girl, he pursued me because I was the easiest option and I was willing to put up with being used. I allowed it because I thought it would bring him back but, as Loveshack's beloved CaliGuy likes to say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" I regret it. After I "woke up," the price I paid for putting up with that was very, very steep. That boy - not man - was not worth it. Your ex is calling you out. You are begging. There is nothing attractive about someone who's desperate. That incites not love, but pity. Don't do this to yourself, hon. Your ex is more understanding of you as opposed to the exes that LS has witnessed here, but come on. Did it have to go so low as to having your ex tell you "You're begging. Come back to me when you have a clear head and you've gotten sleep." And your infidelity! Has he said he was willing to work through that with you as opposed to just accepting your apology? Because if it's just to accept your apology, that's not really working on moving forward from that mistake. That's just one step. The cheating sounds like it's a catalyst for him to just stay broken up for a while. Since he just landed his dream job, he wants to live it up. Give him the space to do so and don't pressure him. He's going to see you as a source of pressure and he won't want to talk to you. Since you want to stay in touch, you can do that but you have to be vigilant of yourself. Right now, it doesn't sound like you're in a clear state of mind to do so. Hopefully this is a good starting point.
Author Ladygator Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 0hpenelope -- what a champion you are. I'm a Reddit user and here I was looking for a karma/upvote for you. That was insightful, thoughtful and soothing. From the bottom of my heart, thankyou. The time spent apart with only MSN/skype for contact dissipated the resentfulness. The last time I saw him he was vulgar, nasty and very, very hateful. It's all cooled off now and has been smooth since. We both lost the resentfulness we had for one another. He's had other girls (more than 3 or 4) do this to him too -- he tends to take too long to warm up to a girl and they go elsewhere. Can't blame him and I'm certainly not proud of my actions. The past 4 months has been me being there for him and showing I'm not going to walk away like every other girl who did it to him. I'm willing to bite the bullet and do it. He even said last night that I reminded him of himself at 23-25 years old, and "usually they thought I was coming on too strong." Hint hint, much.. lol. But like you said, my fear is he's just using me at this point because he knows he can, while he finds someone else. Takes the sting out of being single for him I guess. But I don't think he's that sort of guy. I don't know. I really don't. Again, thankyou for the thoughtful and insightful post.
0hpenelope Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I'm a casual Reddit reader, Ladygator. I feel happy that I actually knew what you were talking about! ...The past 4 months has been me being there for him and showing I'm not going to walk away like every other girl who did it to him. I'm willing to bite the bullet and do it. Oh, good luck. I mean it. I hope you'll maintain self-awareness, too; do not be a doormat for anyone. Own yourself: your thoughts, your feelings. People who value themselves are the ones who are able to walk away from any hurtful situation in a healthy state because they can cope. They know their value; they trust themselves and they know their worth. This isn't the easy choice to make, but if you trust yourself, then I hope that you'll be okay in your setup. I really do. ...But like you said, my fear is he's just using me at this point because he knows he can, while he finds someone else. Takes the sting out of being single for him I guess. But I don't think he's that sort of guy. I don't know. I really don't. Don't ignore that fear throughout the process, Ladygator. Also, though you think that he's not that sort of guy, the only one who knows what kind of guy he is is himself. This has actually been my approach with people lately: I take their word for it when they tell me they're okay, they're happy, they feel bad, etc., but I keep in the back of my mind that they're really the only ones who know. Even if their body language or the tone of their voice says otherwise, I will not push the issue. The best thing I can do is to trust myself in how I react to them, with honesty and no deceit, so I won't regret anything I say and do around them. If they're the ones who are deceitful in their actions and words, then that's their burden. Maybe that's an approach you can consider too. In the meantime, I hope you'll consider not being too available to him. If you can date around that's fine, but seeing as you're not ready to, keeping yourself occupied when you can is awesome. How about turning the tables around on him, too? When he gets in touch w/ you online, don't answer him right away and go on with your business. Maybe the time will come that you'll become absolutely tired of waiting for him and it'll just fade away without you realizing it because you're in a hot air balloon.
Exit Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Reading your story, I feel like just telling you to go and stop wasting your time. But then again... I just spent 4 months doing what you're doing, waiting to be with someone who kept saying they couldn't do it, and finally, finally, she made the decision that we could get back together. Will it work out? Who knows. But honestly, hanging out with her, still being affectionate, kissing her and acting like a couple, yet knowing that it wasn't real, just ended up hurting. It was great while we were actually together, but the moment she would leave, or the moment I'd go home, I'd end up feeling pain instead of happiness, I was sick of feeling that distance. I said the exact same thing you did in the thread I made last night, that we felt like a separated married couple. Kept hanging out, kept talking, but always that nagging distance between us. You can hang in there and try to wait him out if you want. He doesn't sound like he'll be ready in a matter of months like my ex though. I think you could find yourself stuck in this limbo for years based on everything he has said. Be there for him and see him if you want, but you are only feeding the addiction, and the withdrawals get worse and worse. And even if you start to creep closer to seeing him change his mind, it doesn't start feeling better, it feels WORSE. I felt better when my ex told me she was 50/50 about us than I did when she said she was 90% ready to try again. That last 10% drove me nuts. Honestly I think your best move would be to do much of what he suggested. Focus on getting a steady job, and hang onto that job. Focus on your own life, your friends, go out, meet other guys, don't be available to him all the time, some weekend when he invites you up say "not this time, I have plans sorry" as hard as that may be. There is nothing you can do to change his mind. He has to change it himself. I talked to my ex and wrote her letters constantly, and still always got "no". The final change of heart came from her. He sounds exactly like my ex with all the "don't push me" stuff. I've seen dealing with an ex compared to having a cat for a pet, if you chase after a cat and try to get it to spend time with you, it'll run, hide, and if you manage to corner it, scratch your face off. The second you go watch TV or read a book and ignore the cat, it'll jump on top of you and want to cuddle. At the very least, the guy sounds like he is being flat out honest with you. "Stringing someone along" usually involves an aspect of dishonesty, acting like things may work out sooner than they actually will. He isn't giving you that, he is flat out telling you that it will be a long time before he may even be ready to reconsider. You may as well listen to him. Do you want to do this for years? Don't convince yourself that you can change his mind in weeks or months. He is telling you it will take longer. Doesn't seem worth it in my opinion.
0hpenelope Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Exit, I thought of your story when I posted for Lady here. I'm happy that her story drew you into the thread as your progress brings a different insight. Sorry for the slight threadjack. Carry on!
Author Ladygator Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Exit: I just read your post and yeah, the similarities are pretty darn similar, genders reversed. I guess there isn't really much to be done.. I probably need to take a month or two break from him before I can start something of a friendship. Thankyou both kindly for your well-written and considerate posts.
channal1 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Thanks for the nice article. It is very useful. Coach Glasses Coach Jewelry discount coach outlet
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