spiderowl Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Your parents sound very superficial. Are they always so focused on appearances? Of course you should stand up for your girlfriend. My feeling is that your parents will put pressure on you as long as they think it might work. If you make it clear to them that you love your girlfriend and think they are being shallow, they will have to think again. Once they see you will not change your mind about her, they will have the choice of accepting that or remaining adamant. I suspect they'll rethink their attitude if you are clear that their thinking is shallow in this case.
Dionysus Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 (edited) Ah...the usual presumptuous cr*p on LS I've come to know far too well. If you are a physician or nutritionist, as well as a psychologist or counselor that has personally met OP, raise your hand and continue. Everybody else, swallow your egos please, and end the juvenile "debates". Fonzi, your choices, and your life. Not your parents. You're a big boy now. Have they chosen your career path too? And the kind of shoes you're going to wear? Me? I think that you should start wearing white and black sports shoes. The contrast is fabulous. And they're practical too. Edited July 27, 2011 by Dionysus
Dionysus Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 (edited) If people want a nutritionist or therapist they can damn well pay for one, if they want to put their stuff out on the internet for free commentary from the peanut gallery, they come here. Got it? good. Glad we had this talk. Certainly. I'm sure that OP finds the amazing insights of the circular, argumentative wikipedia-crowd fascinating. Lawd...I'm not going to get sucked into this cr*p. I'll leave it to the others. Edited July 27, 2011 by Dionysus
Author 40 Fonzarelli Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 UPDATE: Hey guys, I appreciate all the good advice given. To make a long story short, we are no longer together. I didn't want to tell her why my parents were so cold but one day I just blurted it out because she wouldn't leave me alone. I think the combination of her knowing my parents disliked her because of her weight and my constant pushing her to lose weight is what put the icing on the cake. We are still friends. I will be 36 soon. I want to get married. I want a relationship with my parents. I want a big happy family. Unfortunately, I have found myself in the same predicament yet again. I was going to create a new topic but remembered I created this thread a while back. I've been dating this "bigger" girl for a month now. No I am not a chubby chaser, I date all kinds of women but it just so happens this girl has an awesome personality to match her beauty. And I went into it knowing that I may run into the same issue with my parents again. But then I thought to myself, who am I living for? My parents or me? Well I know for a fact if she met my parents it would be a repeat of last time. I really don't know what to do. Should I tell her about what happened before? Keep it a secret and get her to shed a few pounds before meeting them? Live a happy life but juggle between family and her? Although i'm pretty sure if I married her, my parents would resent me for life. I just got off the phone with my mom about dating and finding the one. Her outlook has not changed and the past was brought up. I tried talking some sense into her since I am dating this new girl now (she doesn't know yet). But it ended on a bad note. How would you approach this?
carhill Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Don't share your dating life with your parents and they can meet your choice of mate at your engagement party. There's a word with adult children and parents and it's called 'boundaries'. To them, you'll always be their child, even when you are, god-willing, a parent or grandparent yourself, if they live that long. It's up to *you* to do what is healthy for you, even if it meets with their disapproval and/or judgment. I married a lady who, physically, was a lot like the lady in your OP and my mother accepted her with open arms. Why? Because mom and I worked out our boundaries long before my now exW came on the scene. Good luck.
BradJacobs Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 She's about 5'2 and ill guess maybe 170ish. Has anyone been in this situation? My mother hated my ex-wife. Thought she was a gold digger and would ruin me. I wish I would have listened to her. My dad thought that I should just have fun with her and then meet someone better suited for me long-term while away at university. I should have listened to him. Your parents are not wrong. She's obese.
HappyLove Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 (edited) " I really don't know what to do. Should I tell her about what happened before? Keep it a secret and get her to shed a few pounds before meeting them? Live a happy life but juggle between family and her? Although i'm pretty sure if I married her, my parents would resent me for life." You clearly have issues if you went out and found another big girl to ruin. Do these women a favor and leave them alone. Edited February 15, 2014 by HappyLove .
Author 40 Fonzarelli Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Don't share your dating life with your parents and they can meet your choice of mate at your engagement party. There's a word with adult children and parents and it's called 'boundaries'. To them, you'll always be their child, even when you are, god-willing, a parent or grandparent yourself, if they live that long. It's up to *you* to do what is healthy for you, even if it meets with their disapproval and/or judgment. I married a lady who, physically, was a lot like the lady in your OP and my mother accepted her with open arms. Why? Because mom and I worked out our boundaries long before my now exW came on the scene. Good luck. Yeah, I understand they will always treat me like a child. Unfortunately my parents aren't gonna budge. Last time I kept my distance from them after the incident, but after we broke up they gradually came back into my life. I wanna do what's healthy for me but also want my family in my life. My mother hated my ex-wife. Thought she was a gold digger and would ruin me. I wish I would have listened to her. My dad thought that I should just have fun with her and then meet someone better suited for me long-term while away at university. I should have listened to him. Your parents are not wrong. She's obese. Well, technically she was obese according to the BMI calculator but her doctor says she is fine. This new girl I have no idea how much she weighs. Weight comes and goes, personality and a good heart is forever. " I really don't know what to do. Should I tell her about what happened before? Keep it a secret and get her to shed a few pounds before meeting them? Live a happy life but juggle between family and her? Although i'm pretty sure if I married her, my parents would resent me for life." You clearly have issues if you went out and found another big girl to ruin. Do these women a favor and leave them alone. I'm not trying to ruin these girls. I am attracted to them and could care less if they lost weight. But I also want my family to like her and want her to have a good relationship with her in-laws. First off, I would absolutely unequivocally NOT tell her. You do not want to hurt this girl. Her weight does NOT define who she is as a person. Secondly, I would sit down with your parents and have a really tough talk. I would explain to them that their opinion did not matter and they can keep their judgements to themselves. You should explain that you are an adult, and who you date is your business, as is your choice in what type of women. If they protest, simply say that you wont be having dinner with them anymore. Try and lessen communication with them. That will get them to come around. By no means tell this girl, it will destroy her. You have a right to be happy correct ? Do not let your parents destroy this right, you don't need your parents approval to do things adults do I assume. Put your big boy pants on and put them in their place. If you don't, then you will wind up resenting them later in life. Yeah, i've had numerous talks with them. My only option at this point is to cut off communication.
TXGuy Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 UPDATE: [should I...] Keep it a secret and get her to shed a few pounds before meeting them? Live a happy life but juggle between family and her? How would you approach this? Whatever you decide to do, you should stop pushing your fat girlfriends to lose weight. That is just mean. If you want a thin woman, date thin women. But picking fat women and pressuring them to lose weight seems counterproductive. Don't count on her losing significant weight. Even if she does, don't count on her keeping it off. If you are into these fat girls, just own it. I think your parents would be less likely to sway your opinion if they didn't think it would work. I get the impression that you somewhat agree with your parents (could be wrong). 2
mrs rubble Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Do what makes you happy, it's your life. I have a fat partner- my parents wouldn't dare say a word to me about his weight.....but then they know I'd be likely to reply with something like "Gee's I'd better make sure I find him a crack habit to fix that":rolleyes:
fancy feast Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Your parents aren't authority figures to you anymore. You don't have to convince them of your dating choices. Make those decisions for yourself. If they can't handle that, then maybe it's them who need to do a course correction. And ffs, don't try to change your girlfriend because your parents can't deal. You say you're attracted to her? If that's true, then why the **** would you care about other people's opinions?
gaius Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Do what makes you happy, it's your life. I have a fat partner- my parents wouldn't dare say a word to me about his weight.....but then they know I'd be likely to reply with something like "Gee's I'd better make sure I find him a crack habit to fix that":rolleyes: The price of heroin keeps going down while groceries keep increasing. It might make more economical sense at this point to substitute that for all the donuts and potato chips. 40, I would suggest mentioning it to her in some way. Maybe it will give her inspiration to lose. Not everyone responds to criticism by clutching the soda bottle harder, nor do they always realize how much obesity is looked down on in some circles.
Raena Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I think you should tell your parents to stop nosing into your dating life. You are the one that has to be happy with that person. Choose someone you love for who she is, not what she looks like. Even a skinny girl can get fat, get wrinkles, lose her hair, have it all turn grey and so on. Find someone you relate to, are best friends with and could see yourself growing old together with and then don't even bother introducing her to your family unless you have already decided that she is the one. Then it won't matter to you what they think.
readynow Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Parents most times just want the best for their kids. Just like if I noticed my child loosing or gaining an unhealthy amount of weight, I would want to help them back to health. If they suddenly picked up a bad habit, I would encourage them to change that. I would definitely not be happy if they decided to date someone with any kind of addiction, be it for food, nicotine, drugs or whatever else. Being fat is a problem in my opinion - it means the person doesn't look after themselves or have health problems that stops them maintaining a healthy weight. Either way, help is needed. I have a friend who was oh so happy with being obese but decided she wanted to look great for her wedding. She lost about 60pounds in about 6months and 10yrs on, she's even happier being slimmer - her husband, doctors and family are happy too. So sorry, i'm not of the camp that thinks parents should have no opinions. OP's parents weren't being superficial, they thought she would have health problems. They just want what's best for their son. Even if he were 50yrs old, they would still want what's best. I wished I had listened to my own parents when they spoke to me about my ex-husband. Many times, when 'love' has blinded us, they can still see reality clearly. What I see wrong is that the OP wants his parents to change their opinions to suit him. I think he's attracted to fat girls and he shouldn't have to change that. He should let his parents know that is his preference and they better accept it or loose his presence in their lives. I did exactly that and my parents backed off. He should definitely warn his new girl that his parents are 'a bit' opinionated though, but she is to pay them no mind.
mercuryshadow Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I don't think it would be wrong to help encourage a healthier lifestyle for your gf. I would definitely not put into words that you'd like for her to lose weight, but instead, change your intention to wanting her to be healthy and happy. Start some sort of weekly fitness routine, see if she wishes to join you. Oh, and by the way, this is NOT to please your parents... I'll be honest. I was never overweight, but had trouble really getting into shape due to medication and eating the wrong things, really. Like I said, I wasn't fat, but I definitely didn't feel healthy. My partner and I decided that it was very important to us to lead a healthy life style, and we began working out, being very conscious of how we eat, etc. and since I've gotten into shape, and am now approaching my wedding day, I feel great, and have definitely observed that I receive a bit more respect from people. Just a different way of looking at things. As for your parents, leave them in the background for a while.
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