TaffyTopham Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 This is really bothering me. I brought my gf of 6 months to meet my parents and I could tell right away they were very disappointed. She has a great personality, educated, etc. My dad must have asked 2 questions the entire time, and my mom was pretty quiet too. A few days later I get an email from my dad saying how shocked they were and that she will have health problems for life. They think I can do so much better. My dad is trying to set me up with other girls. The other day, my parents and one of their friends came over and ganged up on me, giving me the "disapproval" lecture. They let it all out how they think she is obese and that I should date other girls. They are dead serious and they said its been keeping them up at night. I haven't spoken to them in a couple weeks. I have already told them that its very shallow, and she's a great person, and I will not let them choose who I date. However, deep down I really wished my parents accepted her. I haven't told her anything, just that they think she's a good person. Im sure she's wondering why I havent brought her around them again. Should I tell her the truth? Or just split my time between my family and her? Im not sure how much she weighs because she never told me. She's about 5'2 and ill guess maybe 170ish. Has anyone been in this situation? My parents dissaproved of my boyfriend for 3 years. It hurt knowing that my mom, dad and siblings did not warm up to the man i loved all because he wasnt what they expected. My family is very social and outgoing and my boyfriend wasnt. Your family could just be trying to "protect you" or so they think....but really they dont realize they are hurting you. Just ignore them. it sucks, i know.
123321 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 She's about 5'2 and ill guess maybe 170ish. Has anyone been in this situation? No. Hell no. Your parents are probably right, just from a practicality standpoint and not thinking about aesthetics. She's probably gonna really blossom in the future and then not only will you be rolling her around in flour looking for wet spots, you will also have huge (no pun intended) healthcare burdens. Would you feel the same if a girl's parents didn't feel her boyfriend's job was up to their standards? Using that it shows his ability to provide, what he'll contribute in the relationship, his responsibility/dedication, work ethic, and imagine trying to motivate him to do better or get a raise he'll be comfortable. After all women are judged by their looks/youth and men by their job/statue. Or if a girl's parents noticed he was thinning and said soon he'll be a cueball? Absolutely solid observations, I'd expect parents to raise all of those except the baldness issue, I don't see that as relevant. Ironically no, I have not lost my hair. I do seem to have found some extra in my ears though.
sp89416 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 If she makes you happy and if she is a good person, ignore your parents and stay with her
nyc_guy2003 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I can see both sides of the argument. On the one hand, 5'2" 170 is fat, no two ways about it, and like other posters have mentioned the parents have the son's best interests in mind even if they are meddling. On the other hand, I agree that the parents should mind their own business if the son says he is happy with her. My uncle and aunt once went out of their way to discourage their daughter, my cousin, from dating a black guy for being black. If he was a thuggish gang member I could understand, but he was an Ivy League grad with a good job hanging out with a good crowd. In that case I severely disagreed with her parents. When I broke up with my high school girlfriend my own parents told me they didn't ever think she was attractive to begin with and that I could've done better. I actually thought that was funny at the time and yes I did end up doing better after her, so I guess sage advice in that case.
udolipixie Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I'd expect parents to raise all of those except the baldness issue, I don't see that as relevant. lol it's relevant to me I couldn't live with a bald guy. That's just me. But since it's only relevant to me I wouldn't raise it as a parent.
Finch Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 This is a tough situation. While I agree with everyone who has said that you should date who you want to date, and that your parents should mind their own business and refrain from being so judgemental, simply standing up to them may not solve the problem. You can be as forceful as you feel is necessary in informing your family that this woman is important to you, and they have no right to interfere, but will that actually change their minds? Not necessarily. It sounds as though they have had a very strong initial negative reaction to your girlfriend, and that might be hard to change. If having your parents approval is something you highly value, then this could continue (as it already has) to cause a major rift between you. If you don't care about their approval, than by all means, tell them where to stuff it and go about your life. If you want to keep them both in your life, I would actually encourage trying to spend time with your parents and your girlfriend together. This is just a suggestion. Keeping them separate will only broaden the divide, while getting them together (provided your parents agree to play nice) may allow them to see all the positive qualities in her that you do, and hopefully come to accept her. However, you still have the issue of whether or not to tell your girlfriend about this. Normally I would say be honest, but here I'm not so sure. If she is secure about her weight and has strong self-esteem, then maybe. You know her best, and are more aware of how she is likely to react.
Richard Friedman Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Would you feel the same if a girl's parents didn't feel her boyfriend's job was up to their standards? Using that it shows his ability to provide, what he'll contribute in the relationship, his responsibility/dedication, work ethic, and imagine trying to motivate him to do better or get a raise he'll be comfortable. After all women are judged by their looks/youth and men by their job/statue. Or if a girl's parents noticed he was thinning and said soon he'll be a cueball? For the job yeah, absolutely. I know if I had a daughter I wouldn't want her with some charity case. Wouldn't have to be a multimillionaire, but I'd like it if he'd provide a comfortable lifestyle. This I'm "too holistic to judge" attitude I see from women on the forum just seems very disingenuous, and I very much doubt it translates to real life. We should get comfortable being judged for who we are and what we've accomplished, because that's the way iit works..
Enchanted Girl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 For the job yeah, absolutely. I know if I had a daughter I wouldn't want her with some charity case. Wouldn't have to be a multimillionaire, but I'd like it if he'd provide a comfortable lifestyle. This I'm "too holistic to judge" attitude I see from women on the forum just seems very disingenuous, and I very much doubt it translates to real life. We should get comfortable being judged for who we are and what we've accomplished, because that's the way iit works.. The problem is that you think the only people who have value are those who are physically attractive and have money. That's incredibly shallow. I would take a poor man with a good personality over a rich man with a bad one any day. In fact, the first one is what my boyfriend is. A poor man with an amazing soul and heart. <3 I also would rather live in a world where almost everyone can find love whether they are pretty with a crappy personality or a have a great heart with a not so hot body or anything than a world where this wasn't the case. And I think the world naturally works this way, but certain people don't like that.
udolipixie Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 For the job yeah, absolutely. I know if I had a daughter I wouldn't want her with some charity case. Wouldn't have to be a multimillionaire, but I'd like it if he'd provide a comfortable lifestyle. This I'm "too holistic to judge" attitude I see from women on the forum just seems very disingenuous, and I very much doubt it translates to real life. We should get comfortable being judged for who we are and what we've accomplished, because that's the way iit works.. Too bad a lot of men don't share that view on being judged not doing the judging.
Author 40 Fonzarelli Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Thanks for all the advice. I realize she may get huge in the future, but there's a chance that can happen with any girl. Some gain a ton of weight with kids, some don't. Im not gonna throw away a relationship because of what COULD happen. Nothing is guaranteed in life. I spoke to my mom for a couple minutes regarding something totally unrelated today. Other than that, we haven't spoken. My GF has been exercising alot more lately so that's a good thing. Even if she loses weight, i don't want to bring her around my parents, UNLESS they agree to accept her before seeing how she has changed.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 No offense your parents sound like they are close-minded and ignorant. I think you should let them know that that. Umm, no. They are not close minded or ignorant. In fact, I can totally see where they are coming from. They love their son and want him to date someone who is healthy and normal...someone who they wouldn't be ashamed of calling their daughter in law. Every parent wants their children to reach their full potential. If the OP was working at McDonalds and was content with doing that for the rest of his life, and his parents were urging him to get an education and find a better job, would you also criticize them for being 'shallow'?
RepairMinded Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 1. Your parents are rude and presumptuous. 2. Your gf is obese and needs to lose weight.
RepairMinded Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 That is beyond ridiculous. Tell your parents that you care for this girl and that she has lots going for her. Regardless of shallow reasons, they should be giving her a chance. Sounds like my grandmother who only tells me to date rich men. You have a smart grannie. Is she hot?
RepairMinded Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 That's horrible, no I wouldn't tell her. I would have a serious talk with your family and tell them that this is your life, your girlfriend, your choice. That she makes you happy and let them know they are putting you in an incredibly awkward and painful position where you feel the need now to seperate everyone. That IS NOT fair to you. If you have no problems with her weight (I'm assuming you don't) then why should they care?? I've only been in a similar situation once. I was dating a man who was roughly 50 pounds overweight and when I brought him home to meet the folks they didn't say anything but piled his dinner plate with a disgusting amount of food (obviously more than everyone else) sme with desert. I was mortified and he was hurt. No one has a right to dictate to you who you date. Make sure you let them know now what you're feeling, they will probably back off. They may even give her a chance once they see that you're serious about her. If they do that and she is as great as you say she is then I'm sure they will like her. But did he clean his plate?
RepairMinded Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Your parents are controlling. I was raised in a Christian home and taught to wait for sex until marriage. I live with my boyfriend and sleep with him regularly. My Mom has expressed that she disapproves, which is fine, but she doesn't lose sleep over it at night or try to control me because she knows in the end that its my choice and my life so she respects my decisions. Maybe she doesn't bother because she figures you'll be going to Hell and so you'll be together with her in Eternity.
KathyM Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Your parents have your best interests at heart, and want you to have a great life. Then again, it is your life and you alone decide what your standards are. Your parents are probably afraid that if you marry this girl, several years down the road she will have a severe weight problem, and you will have regrets and want to leave the marriage. Or that you are more at risk of being unfaithful when you find your wife unattractive. Or that she will have health problems from the excess weight that willl burden you financially. Or that your children will become overweight and have health problems because she is indulging them in overeating or eating food that is unhealthy. Those are valid concerns, and you can't really blame them for having those concerns, or for voicing those concerns, since they want to help you make good decisions in life. But ultimately, it is, of course, your decision, and once they've expressed their concerns privately to you, that should be the end of it. You make your choice, and they need to respect that and accept whomever you've chosen to be with.
123321 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Your parents have your best interests at heart, and want you to have a great life. .... she will have health problems from the excess weight that willl burden you financially. Or that your children will become overweight and have health problems .... Being fat, particularly young, is a serious issue of genetics and/or habits. Both of those are something to strongly consider in a mate.
KathyM Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Being fat, particularly young, is a serious issue of genetics and/or habits. Both of those are something to strongly consider in a mate. Yes, definately something that is extremely important when deciding on a future spouse. That is not to say that a marriage cannot be good with someone that is overweight. My uncle married a woman who was quite fat, and all his brothers tried to talk him out of it, but the weight didn't matter to him. The woman was a sweetheart, a fantastic cook, and an excellent mother. She did have health problems later in life, though, because of the weight, and predeceased him. So there are definately some important considerations. I think some men do make the mistake of thinking that they can change a person, and that they can coach a woman to lose weight, so they get into the mindset that the extra weight doesn't matter right now and will somehow get better or not get worse later on. Well, it only gets harder as time goes on to keep the weight off, and if the woman is overweight to begin with, chances are, it's not going to improve. If the guy is totally not interested in what her weight is, and her physical appearance is not important to him, but he admires all the other attributes she has, I could see a relationship working out long term. But if he does care about appearance at all, attractiveness, and potential health concerns, he would be wise to give his parents' opinion some consideration, because it could be more of an issue for him later in life.
thatone Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 No denying in social circles a guy is judged by his girl's looks. While a girl is judged by her guy's status/wealth. Funny how guys are in favor of guy's doing what the circle approves of but not in favor of girl's doing the same. i'm completely in favor of it, but then again i have the wealth, lol. fwiw i don't think i must be with "arm candy" to be accepted. i'm typically more attracted to the "girl next door" average type. people will play the game with the tools their given. naturally beautiful women tend to be shallow/ignorant, to put it bluntly. of course there are exceptions but by and large it's true. their parents married for appearance and that's how they had children like that. someone who isn't a rare beauty has to be a little smarter than the next person to get ahead.
KathyM Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 i'm completely in favor of it, but then again i have the wealth, lol. fwiw i don't think i must be with "arm candy" to be accepted. i'm typically more attracted to the "girl next door" average type. people will play the game with the tools their given. naturally beautiful women tend to be shallow/ignorant, to put it bluntly. of course there are exceptions but by and large it's true. their parents married for appearance and that's how they had children like that. someone who isn't a rare beauty has to be a little smarter than the next person to get ahead. That's a ridiculous myth that beautiful women are shallow or ignorant. Beauty has nothing to do with IQ or character. There are plenty of beautiful, intelligent women of good character, and there are plenty of obese dumb women with poor character. 1
123321 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 .... naturally beautiful women tend to be shallow/ignorant, to put it bluntly. ..... That's a ridiculous myth that beautiful women are shallow or ignorant. Beauty has nothing to do with IQ or character. You're both right, woooohooo. Fact is that the majority of people are semi-dolts at best, including the ugly or the beautiful. If anything I'd say good looking people tend to be smarter and less likely to have anti-social tendencies, and this has been somewhat borne out by research.
thatone Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 i'm not talking about character, i'm talking about intelligence. there's a difference. character is a product of your family. intelligence is genetic, some people are born with it some aren't. furthermore, people who have appearance in their favor, especially women, have no motivation to develop that intelligence even if they have the genetic potential for it. why should they work on that? they have the approval of men and other women anyway.
123321 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 (edited) i'm not talking about character, i'm talking about intelligence. there's a difference. character is a product of your family. intelligence is genetic, some people are born with it some aren't. There is no negative correlation between attractiveness and IQ. In fact there is evidence that the factors that contribute to symmetrical (and thus attractive) development also contribute to proper neural development. Source: "A study in England conducted by researchers at the London School of Economics found that attractive men and women generally have higher IQs. "Physical attractiveness is significantly positively associated with general intelligence," said LSE lead researcher Satoshi Kanazawa, in the latest issue of the journal Intelligence. The study indicated attractive men have IQs that are 13.6 points above the average, while beautiful women are 11.4 points higher than average. Since intelligent men are more inclined to achieve more success, they are "more likely to marry beautiful women," Kanazawa said. "Given that both intelligence and physical attractiveness are highly heritable, there should be a positive correlation between intelligence and physical attractiveness in the children's generation." The study included 52,000 people from both the United Kingdom and United States. However, Kanazawa insists this should not be considered justification for believing beautiful people are better than everyone else. "Our contention that beautiful people are more intelligent is purely scientific," he said. "It is not a prescription for how to treat or judge others." Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2011/01/16/2011-01-16_beautiful_men_women_have_high_iqs_too_study.html#ixzz1T3Mkx49g" Edited July 24, 2011 by 123321
stillafool Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 This is really bothering me. I brought my gf of 6 months to meet my parents and I could tell right away they were very disappointed. She has a great personality, educated, etc. My dad must have asked 2 questions the entire time, and my mom was pretty quiet too. A few days later I get an email from my dad saying how shocked they were and that she will have health problems for life. They think I can do so much better. My dad is trying to set me up with other girls. The other day, my parents and one of their friends came over and ganged up on me, giving me the "disapproval" lecture. They let it all out how they think she is obese and that I should date other girls. They are dead serious and they said its been keeping them up at night. I haven't spoken to them in a couple weeks. I have already told them that its very shallow, and she's a great person, and I will not let them choose who I date. However, deep down I really wished my parents accepted her. I haven't told her anything, just that they think she's a good person. Im sure she's wondering why I havent brought her around them again. Should I tell her the truth? Or just split my time between my family and her? Im not sure how much she weighs because she never told me. She's about 5'2 and ill guess maybe 170ish. Has anyone been in this situation? How would your parents feel if you brought home a tall, slender girl with looks to kill, who was very superficial and uneducated? Ask them this and see if that is more to their liking.
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