40 Fonzarelli Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 This is really bothering me. I brought my gf of 6 months to meet my parents and I could tell right away they were very disappointed. She has a great personality, educated, etc. My dad must have asked 2 questions the entire time, and my mom was pretty quiet too. A few days later I get an email from my dad saying how shocked they were and that she will have health problems for life. They think I can do so much better. My dad is trying to set me up with other girls. The other day, my parents and one of their friends came over and ganged up on me, giving me the "disapproval" lecture. They let it all out how they think she is obese and that I should date other girls. They are dead serious and they said its been keeping them up at night. I haven't spoken to them in a couple weeks. I have already told them that its very shallow, and she's a great person, and I will not let them choose who I date. However, deep down I really wished my parents accepted her. I haven't told her anything, just that they think she's a good person. Im sure she's wondering why I havent brought her around them again. Should I tell her the truth? Or just split my time between my family and her? Im not sure how much she weighs because she never told me. She's about 5'2 and ill guess maybe 170ish. Has anyone been in this situation?
Rinas Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 That is beyond ridiculous. Tell your parents that you care for this girl and that she has lots going for her. Regardless of shallow reasons, they should be giving her a chance. Sounds like my grandmother who only tells me to date rich men. 1
Waffles Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I've never been in exactly the same situation as you, but I do have jerk*ss parents. I think that when it comes down to it, at your age, if your parents can't respect your choices, what does that say about them? You don't have to turn them into "the enemy", but you have to stand up for yourself and your decisions.
FeelingSmall Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 That's horrible, no I wouldn't tell her. I would have a serious talk with your family and tell them that this is your life, your girlfriend, your choice. That she makes you happy and let them know they are putting you in an incredibly awkward and painful position where you feel the need now to seperate everyone. That IS NOT fair to you. If you have no problems with her weight (I'm assuming you don't) then why should they care?? I've only been in a similar situation once. I was dating a man who was roughly 50 pounds overweight and when I brought him home to meet the folks they didn't say anything but piled his dinner plate with a disgusting amount of food (obviously more than everyone else) sme with desert. I was mortified and he was hurt. No one has a right to dictate to you who you date. Make sure you let them know now what you're feeling, they will probably back off. They may even give her a chance once they see that you're serious about her. If they do that and she is as great as you say she is then I'm sure they will like her. 2
D-Lish Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Stick up for yourself and your gf- make no bones about how disappointed you are in their judgement Anyone with something rude to say- tell them: "I really like this girl, she's going to be a part of my life- she treats me amazing- and if ANY of you have a problem with that, you're going to have a problem with me... I never want to hear any of you say anything like this to me ever again". How awful that you'd have consider excluding her from your family because they are upset about her weight. 1
aliceinchains Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 No offense your parents sound like they are close-minded and ignorant. I think you should let them know that that.
OhSynapse Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 That's horrible. You need to stand up for yourself and your gf! My ex was overweight, and I would not have let my parents talk about him that way. Luckily, my parents never really cared because he is such a nice person! They looked past his appearance and really considered his personality. Your parents should be able to do the same and stop judging her because of weight. It is incredibly rude and insulting that they are introducing your to other girls while you are dating your gf!
Enchanted Girl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Your parents are controlling. I was raised in a Christian home and taught to wait for sex until marriage. I live with my boyfriend and sleep with him regularly. My Mom has expressed that she disapproves, which is fine, but she doesn't lose sleep over it at night or try to control me because she knows in the end that its my choice and my life so she respects my decisions.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Childhood is over. You're an independent adult now. If they can't respect and accept your choices, that's their problem. 1
kalikula Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I don't see why it should be necessary that your parents approve of how your girlfriend LOOKS. Attraction is between you and her. If it's keeping them up late at night that your girlfriend is a little overweight, then they really don't have anything better to do with their time.
Lil1 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I have already told them that its very shallow, and she's a great person, and I will not let them choose who I date. However, deep down I really wished my parents accepted her. I haven't told her anything, just that they think she's a good person. Im sure she's wondering why I havent brought her around them again. Should I tell her the truth? Or just split my time between my family and her? Wow Fonzarelli I am thankful to say I have never experienced something like this and I'm sorry that you are:( It sounds like your parents already understand that you are angry with them, especially after not speaking to them for 2 weeks. I think it's good that you're sticking up for yourself and your girlfriend. It shows you possess maturity, strength of character and good morals. There's no need to say anything to her, it will only hurt her feelings and perhaps make her resent them. If she asks anything you could tell her that you haven't jived with them lately and you're taking time apart from them right now. If your parents don't come change their thinking then that will definitely be a tough process... for now just ride it out a little longer and see if they reach out to have a meaningful discussion.
maudiorocks Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 No one wants to be told that they're wrong. Don't tell your parents that they are because you won't change their minds.
Richard Friedman Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 You're family's got your best interests bro. Don't let your ego stop you from seeing that. If a girl is that big in her 20s what does that say about her discipline? Her sense of responsibility? And if she's like this already just imagine what'll happen once she gets "comfortable." She'll blow up to 300 lb after a few kids and your sex life'll go to hell(unless you're attracted to beached whales). You can beg her to lose weight and she'll just say "This is the way I am. I was big when you met me. Why can't you accept me now." Not to mention how can you feel proud bringing a woman like that around your friends and colleagues? I mean, it'd be nice if we lived in an egalitarian society where you immediately tell how good a person is "inside" and judge on that but we don't, and people dont work like that. In the corporate world men are very much judged by their woman, and youll be a laughingstock. Seriously, your folks are a lot smarter than you or some of oversensitive harpies on here give them credit for. Listen to them and dont sell yourself short. 1
Enchanted Girl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 You're family's got your best interests bro. Don't let your ego stop you from seeing that. If a girl is that big in her 20s what does that say about her discipline? Her sense of responsibility? And if she's like this already just imagine what'll happen once she gets "comfortable." She'll blow up to 300 lb after a few kids and your sex life'll go to hell(unless you're attracted to beached whales). You can beg her to lose weight and she'll just say "This is the way I am. I was big when you met me. Why can't you accept me now." Not to mention how can you feel proud bringing a woman like that around your friends and colleagues? I mean, it'd be nice if we lived in an egalitarian society where you immediately tell how good a person is "inside" and judge on that but we don't, and people dont work like that. In the corporate world men are very much judged by their woman, and youll be a laughingstock. Seriously, your folks are a lot smarter than you or some of oversensitive harpies on here give them credit for. Listen to them and dont sell yourself short. Men who think of women as only arm trophies like you do are not men that should be listened to. I also want to add that I disagree with the people that are saying you shouldn't tell her. If she sees your parents again which she eventually will if you two continue to be serious, she's going to figure out that something is wrong, even if they don't say something directly outright and its better that you tell her than them and reassure her (if you feel this way) that your parent's opinion is not going to effect your feelings towards her. Parent's are awful at choosing mates a lot of times. I hate all the guys my Mom tries to choose out for me. I think she's a horrible judge of character. And I've seen guys dump girls they were really in love with because their parent's didn't like them (one set of parent's were racist and the girl was black another set didn't like the girl because they felt she was controlling the son's life) and both of them have wound up miserable and regretting it. Those were their longest and most healthy relationships but they went with their parent's decisions instead of thinking for themselves.
Richard Friedman Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 When did I imply women are only valuable as arm candy? Either you have problems with comprehension or you're putting words in my mouth(and conveniently ignoring every other point i made). I did say going out with a girl who's obese would make him lose face with the guys in his circle. Deny that and you deny reality. And it's not just me, his own mom seems to think the same. Guess it takes their own sons being involved for women to ditch this girl-can-do-no-wrong mindset. What would you tell a daughter or good friend who started dating a guy who weighs 300 pounds? 500 pounds? You'd tell them to get some standards.
sm1tten Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Hm. I can understand your parents being concerned about her health but the fact that they didn't even try to get to know her and are SO worried about it is rude and bothersome. Sounds like they are trying to control you. If you are attracted to this woman and you want to be with her, then stand by her and your decision. You're a big boy. Are you close to your family? Is having their approval important to you? And would you be okay with the possibility that they will not only not accept her, but will keep actively trying to change your mind and set you up with other women? I don't know if I would tell her. Even though I agree that she is eventually going to want to know what's wrong, and I think it could be phrased in terms that are supportive and reassuring, that's going to be probably devastating and could have a negative impact on the relationship between you and her. Is she okay with her weight? I think that would probably make a difference in how she'd take it.
D-Lish Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 No one wants to be told that they're wrong. Don't tell your parents that they are because you won't change their minds. No- he'll just challenge and assert himself- as a grown man should. Who cares if he tells them they are wrong- they ARE wrong- and they need to be told this by him. If he can't do this- he can't be a loving bf to his partner. Stand up for your partner- she treats you wonderfully and you love her- she deserves your defence. If you can't stand up for her- you're not worthy of her.... think about that.
bigmomma1974 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 i am sickened by all of this. Not all obese people are obese because they eat unhealthy. I have medical issues that have caused me to gain a;lot of weight. I exercise and eat right and still am a plus size girl and I wear it with a smile. I use to be a skinny bean pole and was miserable, Now I am happy and could care less what ignorant judgemental people think of me, They dont have to love me nor like me I am not in a relationship with them, My husband is a great man and loves me for who I am not what I look like and he has stood by me through all of my isses. If your parents disapprove of her because of her weight then that will be an issue because it will end up hurting you. You need to put your foot down and tell them that your not happy with what they said and this lady is in your life and is going to stay there so they need to show her and you respect and if they cant then you will stay away. My dad used to mock and tease me when I put on all this weight but I put his butt in his place cause hes a big guy too. Good luck to you and do not be a shallow person like most people in the world;
Richard Friedman Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) Who cares if he tells them they are wrong- they ARE wrong- and they need to be told this by him. An emotional argument. Why are they inherently wrong for judging this girl on her weight? I've seen parents judge on a million things. Race, height, these are beyond a person's control. Weight is not. A girl letting herself get that big at that age tells you a lot about her mindset, and is a bad sign for how any relationship will pan out. I'll ask you this too. If your daughter started dating a guy who weighed 300 pounds, would you be happy about it? Edited July 22, 2011 by Richard Friedman
Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I think it's fine for his parents to tell him they're concerned and he has reason to be, too. But what he described is almost harassing behavior. Lots of people's kids date people with problems and things the parents don't like. But a loving parent is not controlling and intolerant toward their son's choices. The OP said he has not spoken to them in 2 weeks, so all their behavior did is drive him away. I'm sure that if they had been calm and caring in expressing their concern, they would have gotten a different result. Parents should not be rewarded for attempting to strong-arm their grown sons or daughters like this. It's dysfunctional and codependent. He is right to assert himself and defend himself and his relationship against their domineering attack. 1
Enchanted Girl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 When did I imply women are only valuable as arm candy? Either you have problems with comprehension or you're putting words in my mouth(and conveniently ignoring every other point i made). I did say going out with a girl who's obese would make him lose face with the guys in his circle. Deny that and you deny reality. And it's not just me, his own mom seems to think the same. Guess it takes their own sons being involved for women to ditch this girl-can-do-no-wrong mindset. What would you tell a daughter or good friend who started dating a guy who weighs 300 pounds? 500 pounds? You'd tell them to get some standards. *I* date a guy who weighs 300 lbs and you can kiss my butt because he's very handsome! Also, who gives a crap if people judge you? Are you that cowardly that you can't stand up to your friend's judgements of your life? If you wanted to enter into a career and all your friends said it was a stupid idea would you automatically do what they say? What about buying a house? Or buying a car? If you make your decisions on who you fall in love with according to what even stranger's think then why make any decisions for yourself?
Enchanted Girl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 An emotional argument. Why are they inherently wrong for judging this girl on her weight? I've seen parents judge on a million things. Race, height, these are beyond a person's control. Weight is not. A girl letting herself get that big at that age tells you a lot about her mindset, and is a bad sign for how any relationship will pan out. I'll ask you this too. If your daughter started dating a guy who weighed 300 pounds, would you be happy about it? You know, you don't have to date a fat girl. We don't care, but judging this guy for dating a girl like that is stupid. My friend's have boyfriends that I'd never personally find attractive myself, but that's fine if its what they like.
udolipixie Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 You're family's got your best interests bro. Don't let your ego stop you from seeing that. If a girl is that big in her 20s what does that say about her discipline? Her sense of responsibility? And if she's like this already just imagine what'll happen once she gets "comfortable." She'll blow up to 300 lb after a few kids and your sex life'll go to hell(unless you're attracted to beached whales). You can beg her to lose weight and she'll just say "This is the way I am. I was big when you met me. Why can't you accept me now." Not to mention how can you feel proud bringing a woman like that around your friends and colleagues? I mean, it'd be nice if we lived in an egalitarian society where you immediately tell how good a person is "inside" and judge on that but we don't, and people dont work like that. In the corporate world men are very much judged by their woman, and youll be a laughingstock. Seriously, your folks are a lot smarter than you or some of oversensitive harpies on here give them credit for. Listen to them and dont sell yourself short. Would you feel the same if a girl's parents didn't feel her boyfriend's job was up to their standards? Using that it shows his ability to provide, what he'll contribute in the relationship, his responsibility/dedication, work ethic, and imagine trying to motivate him to do better or get a raise he'll be comfortable. After all women are judged by their looks/youth and men by their job/statue. Or if a girl's parents noticed he was thinning and said soon he'll be a cueball?
udolipixie Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 When did I imply women are only valuable as arm candy? Either you have problems with comprehension or you're putting words in my mouth(and conveniently ignoring every other point i made). I did say going out with a girl who's obese would make him lose face with the guys in his circle. Deny that and you deny reality. And it's not just me, his own mom seems to think the same. Guess it takes their own sons being involved for women to ditch this girl-can-do-no-wrong mindset. What would you tell a daughter or good friend who started dating a guy who weighs 300 pounds? 500 pounds? You'd tell them to get some standards. No denying in social circles a guy is judged by his girl's looks. While a girl is judged by her guy's status/wealth. Funny how guys are in favor of guy's doing what the circle approves of but not in favor of girl's doing the same.
udolipixie Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 This is really bothering me. I brought my gf of 6 months to meet my parents and I could tell right away they were very disappointed. She has a great personality, educated, etc. My dad must have asked 2 questions the entire time, and my mom was pretty quiet too. A few days later I get an email from my dad saying how shocked they were and that she will have health problems for life. They think I can do so much better. My dad is trying to set me up with other girls. The other day, my parents and one of their friends came over and ganged up on me, giving me the "disapproval" lecture. They let it all out how they think she is obese and that I should date other girls. They are dead serious and they said its been keeping them up at night. I haven't spoken to them in a couple weeks. I have already told them that its very shallow, and she's a great person, and I will not let them choose who I date. However, deep down I really wished my parents accepted her. I haven't told her anything, just that they think she's a good person. Im sure she's wondering why I havent brought her around them again. Should I tell her the truth? Or just split my time between my family and her? Im not sure how much she weighs because she never told me. She's about 5'2 and ill guess maybe 170ish. Has anyone been in this situation? I'd say defend yourself, her, and your relationship together. But that bold part makes me hesitate. You're a guy you want beauty for your own validation & social validation. Split time with her & your family while you exercise with her.
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