rokqueen Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I'll try to keep this short and sweet. I'm 35, he's 29. Long distance for the last 2 years, we were friends first for years (both in the same industry). I left the state to go back to school, he travels a lot for work and would "layover" at my house a lot. We saw each other at least once a month for 2-5 days, if not more, oftentimes he would stay for a few weeks. Which I think is a lot of contact for an LDR. I was always way better at the LDR than he was. We would *almost* break up about every couple months or so, even if we had just seen each other. We debated him moving to me, but it never happened. So in February we decide to have an open relationship. It rejuvenated our relationship and we were happier. He was traveling a lot for work but we managed to see each other a few times. At the end of term, we talked about our summer plans to be together and he dropped the bomb that he had been seeing someone else. But he didn't want to pursue anything with her. Sure. About a week later, I summon all my guts and tell him to make a choice. A better plan for one more year of LDR and a great summer together, then I move to him, and a closed relationship OR nothing. It took 3 weeks to get a reply, and even then I still was the one to have to technically say "well then, let's break up." It was the worst backhanded break up ever. I mean short of violence, he did everything in his power to get me to break up with him. Of course he still wants to be friends, blah blah blah, I'm the best woman he's ever known, blah blah blah. Thing is we really did have a good relationship, room for improvement, sure, but we love(d?) each other. The distance killed him. So. He is still sleeping with this OW. Who is his age, known him for most of their lives, and knows all his family (and vice versa). She is like a little sister to his family (so I'm told). Weird. He told me her name and so of course I've been torturing myself with her social media, but I'm getting better at not looking at it. She is psycho. One night she stole his phone and started texting me hurtful things like "you know he's in bed with me" and "we can't ignore this any longer." Plus a huge long facebook message about how I'm the past and she's the present, etc, etc. I was good and didn't reply to any of it. I told the ex about it the next day. He was shocked, didn't know she was that crazy, etc. I guess she confessed the whole thing and they are still together. She is practically living at his house and growling at anything female that walks down the street. Or so I've been told. I haven't talked to him (although we're still "friends") in 3 weeks. Problem is, he has a motorcycle sitting in my garage. He wants to come get it at some point, I'm assuming, it's not like it's an old tshirt. He says he wants to see me, but can't tell me when he's going to come get this f***ing bike. I'm at the point where I need it gone so I can get the things done I need to do for school and the rest of my life. I want to break the NC just so I can say "when are you coming to come get your s***", but I'm sorry to admit I want to see him too. And I still have feelings for him, even though I'm trying my best to move on. SO, loveshackers, do I email/text/call him? Even though the OW may intercept it? Or do I sit tight and stall for time until my heart is better? Thing is, I DO really need this damn bike out of my garage. And it hurts to see it there. He could get it shipped but I don't think he has the money. And he says he wants to see me. But hasn't initiated any contact about it or anything else for 3 weeks. UGH! What do I do?
Author rokqueen Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 cmon loveshackers. i value your advice, even if it is "keep on keepin on." i've read some really great points of view and advice on this forum, please help a girl out. ugh.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I'd personally tell him any way possible that he either comes and picks up his bike by a set date or it's gone and you're not going to be responsible for it beyond that point. If you have an address, you can send a certified letter so that you have proof that you at least tried to contact him.
wilsonx Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I'd personally tell him any way possible that he either comes and picks up his bike by a set date or it's gone and you're not going to be responsible for it beyond that point. If you have an address, you can send a certified letter so that you have proof that you at least tried to contact him. this but sell it to me for a dollar i will pay for shipping
t_i Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I cant believe your being that nice to him. I'd struggle with that. However see it from her perspective. He may have made her that crazy. I've sent another a girl a message before (nothing rude, however!) which of course is a little weird on my part. I did that due to the fact that my ex made me feel so self concious and paranoid that I felt like I needed to ask her myself. He may have made her feel so bad about herself that she's very protective of him as he may leave her. Or of course she may just be crazy. Tell him to get his bike or you'll leave it on the side of the road, where it no longer your responsibility, to which it may well be stolen. You need the space and why do him a favour? You've been nice after everything, yet he's taking advantage now. Message him, then the sooner you can move on!
Author rokqueen Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 this but sell it to me for a dollar i will pay for shipping HA! it is a nice bike -- shipping it will cost him about $700 door to door -- the shipping guy had a nice laugh when I told him why I was asking for a quote. Virginia would probably be about the same. I'm in Texas and wondering how long it would be until the bike is actually mine. He's had it in his possession for less time than I have at this point. And I guess I have been too nice. **** that. Thank you loveshack. So..... anyone wanna buy a bike? lol
TheHurtProcess Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 It seems as if he trusts that you're going to hold onto it until the end of time and it will be there at his convenience, as if you were a storage facility. Perhaps you might want to start looking into the laws as to how long before it actually does become your property. I believe that if you've contacted him (and you can prove it), most states it's 90 days before you can consider it abandoned and it may just then be yours. It may already be past that time. Like I said, get an address, send a certified letter (that has to be signed for and therefore you will have a signature as proof that you tried to contact him). You could also get it signed and sealed by a notary public, so that you have a second pair of eyes. That states you actually wrote the said letter. Hell, I'll buy a bike. We'll start the bidding with Wilsonx's $1.00 (plus shipping)
TheHurtProcess Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Tell him to get his bike or you'll leave it on the side of the road, where it no longer your responsibility, to which it may well be stolen. You need the space and why do him a favour? You've been nice after everything, yet he's taking advantage now. Message him, then the sooner you can move on! The only issue with this is that she will be held liable if she were to just leave it on the side of the road, especially if she can't prove that she even contacted him and gave it the full amount of time that she legally has to give for him to pick up his property. You have to make sure that you follow the law on this one. I would also contact a lawyer for some advice. Many lawyers will offer free advice over the phone up to a certain point. I'd give it a shot. None of us here are lawyers (that I know of). So, I'd check up on the books, do the research and consult with a lawyer before just taking any of our advice. You'll be happy you did when the guy tries to sue you.
t_i Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 The only issue with this is that she will be held liable if she were to just leave it on the side of the road, especially if she can't prove that she even contacted him and gave it the full amount of time that she legally has to give for him to pick up his property. You have to make sure that you follow the law on this one. I would also contact a lawyer for some advice. Many lawyers will offer free advice over the phone up to a certain point. I'd give it a shot. None of us here are lawyers (that I know of). So, I'd check up on the books, do the research and consult with a lawyer before just taking any of our advice. You'll be happy you did when the guy tries to sue you. This is a good point. However will you be liable if it breaks/ gets stolen while its in your possession? I'm sure a threat of saying 'get it or im not keeping it for you anymore' will spur him to action and then your rid of him for good? I wouldnt personally try and keep it... It will mean he'll hold a grudge against you etc, and it's not really worth the hassle! But I'm not really sure of laws in the US, if it's easy for you to keep it and sell it then decide for yourself what you'd want to do.
Author rokqueen Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 So I got a text from him today, and we had a short conversation. He's coming down TUESDAY to come get his bike. I think he's under the impression that I will let him stay for the night, because we're "friends." I didn't offer, but he didn't ask either. He hasn't made any detailed arrangements yet, he just has some time off work. He went into this sob story about how his month has been SO ROUGH, poor thing. Work drama and someone stole his laptop, blah blah blah. Told him I was apprehensive about the whole thing, but I do want to see him (I know, I know) but I also don't want to get hurt. I don't know if that's possible. I plan on just kind of going with it -- not being an outright bitch but not being overly accommodating. And I insane? Should I just hand him the keys to his bike and slam the door in his face? I regret to say this, but I am sorely ooooooo so tempted to sleep with him. Which would be the worst mistake ever. But. I still want to do it. Ugh. This sucks. Any thoughts? Should I just be the queen bitch and give him the cold shoulder? Or should I pretend I'm civilized and just go with it?
t_i Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 The woman will go mental... He's done some messed up things to her to make her this way and doing this will be hurting her, even if she is crazy... The main issue will be you. You'll hurt you. Sex brings attachment for females and you'll be back to square one. Wondering if and when he'll text you, wondering if he misses you. Putting signs together to see if he cares. How difficult has NC for 3 weeks been for you? Do you want to go through it again ? How come this man gets to get the 'good stuff' when he doesn't have to be in a relationship? Possible sex, a caring girl who cares that his freaking laptop gets stolen and if he's had a 'bad week', someone to store all his stuff and will let him stay over... If he doesn't have to be in a relationship with you to get all the good stuff without 0 ties... Why would he? Plus if he hasn't contacted you for 3 weeks yet let's you store his bike for him, expects you to give him sympathy for a crap week, put up with crap from the other woman, DONT let him use you for a place to stay. Tell him your busy and he can't stay. Lie and say your going out. Look gorgeous, wear perfume and your new fave top and let his visit be fleeting. He'll wonder why your not in the palm of his hand anymore and think about you on the drive back. Then take great satisfaction in turning him down and carry on healing... Your doing so well so far - stay strong!
Author rokqueen Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 Thanks TI, that is good advice. I had planned on looking my sexiest just to torture him -- I'm a blonde now and have lost 20 lbs since all this started going down. I'm not going to hold my breath -- we'll see if he actually gets on a plane or not. He is the king of last minute everything. And sleeping with him will be a huge mistake. He said he wants to stay and hang out for a day or two -- of course that makes me happy but for all the wrong reasons. We broke up because of the long distance essentially and that isn't going to change anytime soon. UGH. I will do my best. Thank you loveshack. I'll post an update in a few days.
t_i Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Weldone on the weight loss! I lost 11 pounds after my ex and it makes you feel fabulous doesn't it! Stay strong. It'll be hard for you to say no, but stay strong and keep us updated! x
Author rokqueen Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 so after hearing not a peep from him yesterday, i text him this afternoon asking if he was still coming down tomorrow to get his bike or what. he says he's thinking about coming in around noon. I'm like "thinking?" and he says he's working on a project and he might have to come down later in the day. I know that this project he's working on is due in two days and he hasn't done **** on it yet. Didn't say anything back. He just texted me at 10 pm the night before he's supposed to come down saying that he's sorry, he doesn't think he's going to make it down tomorrow, that a gig came up and he needs all the work he can get right now. and that he'll try for wednesday." Again, it's all about him, and poor me I need all the work i can get right now. I've been freaking out for 2 days, barely able to eat, cut all my hair off today (it's really cute!) and am seriously like wtf. How much of his **** am I supposed to take? Should I tell him to go get f***ed? Doing so will only prolong the inevitable, unless he finally just ponies up and gets the thing shipped, which I know he's too cheap to do. And I'm sure as hell not going to pay for it. GAH! Does he honestly expect me to sit around and wait for him to finally pull a trigger on a decision? I can't tell if this guy has balls of brass (he doesn't) or is just so clueless that he thinks this is normal human behavior. UGH! Sorry for the venting.
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