awreck Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I have dated this woman for 4 1/2 years and 2 of the years we were engaged we never fought or anything we got along extremely well even are families. Both families love the other. , she came to me and said she needed space so i gave it to her. About 5 days in she says i think we should break up. She said she loves me but not like enough to be with me anymore. Now i am still friends with her and her family. But i asked her. I said do you think we would have a chance getting back together in the future. She said if we cross paths again in a few years maybe. Well then i asked her if we went out once or twice a week and did things and sparks started flying would be be able to give it a shot. She said we would cross that road if we come to it. I completely trust her she has never done anything for be to believe other wise and i asked is there another male and the answer was no So what should i do is there a way to win her back?
Author awreck Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Also we have a apartment together an i asked her if we could be roomates because we have plenty of room for 2 bedrooms, and she said she would think about it. i have not gotten a answer on that yet But any advice is greatly appreciated
rokqueen Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 If you really want to get her back, awreck, you are going to have to take a few steps away from her. Bargaining about how many dates a week to see her, etc, is not making you attractive to her. The sexiest thing to a woman is seeing a man who can accept his feelings (of loss, grief, anger, betrayal, etc), communicate them in a calm way (ONCE!) and then walk away with a plan to become a better person for the experience. This way you will get those feelings off your chest, but don't be accusatory. Saying "you are such a bitch how could you do this to me!" is much different than saying "I feel so hurt and abandoned and angry. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I love you. Can we sit down and talk about the direction of our next steps." And if she says she still wants to leave, you have to take that as an answer. Try to avoid using the word "you" in general. Make it about YOU and your feelings and what you want. STOP BARGAINING. When the conversation is over, get up from the table or the couch or whatever, say thank you for your time, and LEAVE. Go for a walk. Go get a cup of coffee. Call a friend. Give yourself some immediate air and space away from the whole thing. When you've had a break, go back and busy yourself with something else. At this point, you should be EXTREMELY careful about how much you talk to her. Basically you want to start No Contact, but she will be in the room. Don't be rude, but don't hang out with her either. Go do your own thing. Many people will tell you to start dating someone else ("the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else, hahaha"), but honestly I think that is callous and emotionally counterproductive if you are really hurting. Instead, date YOURSELF. Go to the gym. Go see a movie. Go out to lunch or dinner at that new place you always wanted to try. Does she hate Indian food? Eat as much indian food as you possibly can. Get out of town for the weekend, bonus points for bringing a couple of friends. Your living situation is a stickler. But she's the one who left YOU. She is the one that will have to pack up all her crap and physically leave. DONT HELP HER MOVE. Go out for the afternoon. If money is an issue, and she wants to stay as a roommate, TREAT HER LIKE A ROOMMATE. The left side of the fridge is for your stuff. Use this time to look inward and really assess what it is YOU want in a relationship. It's especially hard when you have this much time invested, and your families are close. But your family will back you up NO MATTER WHAT. Don't try to turn her family against her or be your ally. They are HER family. If people start asking you sticky questions about how she feels or what is going on with her instead of you, just say "it's her business and I don't know." A little harmless flirting is always good too. Flirt with the cashier at the grocery store. Or a waitress. It will be a big esteem booster to get that smile out of her, and remind you that there are indeed other women out in this big wide world. Don't do it in front of her or anything, just keep it as a small moment for yourself and yourself only. Good luck, awreck. Just get through the first 10 minutes, then the next, then the next hour, then the next day, etc. If she starts talking to you, be surprised and listen. Be pleasant. Have a conversation. Then say "thank you, it 's nice to talk to you" and go for a walk.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Completely agree with rokqueen, I've sat here for about 10 minutes trying to think of something I could add but I think rokqueen covered it all.
Author awreck Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Do I keep giving space and have complete NC ? or should I innitate ? How do I know if there is anyhope and getting back together? How do I know she still cares for me? Are there any signs or what not to look for?
rokqueen Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I'm sure she still cares for you. Unless your girlfriend was a complete heartless ogre, she cares about you. Otherwise you would have come home to an empty apartment and that would have been the end of it. Sometimes that's a lot easier, honestly. It feels like there might be a lot of things you want to say to her. Make an appointment to talk to her. Don't spend more than 30 minutes or so. Tell her everything that you're feeling, like I said above, in a non accusatory way. Ask her to make a choice about the future with you. And then respect that choice. And then get the hell out of there and give YOURSELF some space for a while. Start no contact. She will initiate conversations if she wants to. Respond in a calm way. Be careful about your body language. Be open to her, but otherwise keep your fool mouth shut! If you can't stand it anymore and need to go yell at something, get out and call a friend or family member, go to the gym and bust your butt, talk a walk and yell at the streetlights. If you still want her back, realize she's already told you she's not in love with the old you anymore. So make a new you. Do something completely different -- learn a language, get buff, read books you wouldn't normally, become an old movie buff, whatever. Find your old self confidence again. The trick is that in this journey looking inwards, you will start to heal your heart, and start to wonder what the hell is wrong with HER that she didn't do everything in her power to hang on to an awesome guy like YOU. But you won't care cuz you'll be meeting that cute waitress from the indian place friday night. See?
Author awreck Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 I have been completely calm and collected through this whole thing. I've never even thought/ looked at another women. I am madly in love with her. She is just very hard to read right now
Sebstian Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I find her pretty easy to read I'm afraid. She's leaving and there's nothing you can do about it. Seems like you're still trying to figure out what it is that you should do or tell her to fix things. But she said 'maybe in some years'! That's a pretty clear statement right there. Don't try to be her house mate or friend until you're completely over her. You will not enjoy it one bit when her new bj makes her scream with pleasure and you can hear it all through the walls... again and again! Get out of there or kick her out asap! So sorry for you man!
Author awreck Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Well how well does the NC work to bring them back? what are my odds if I go NC, that she will miss me and come back ? Is it something that the success rate is high And something I can hope for?
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Well how well does the NC work to bring them back? what are my odds if I go NC, that she will miss me and come back ? Is it something that the success rate is high And something I can hope for? Nobody can give you a statistic on this because there is none. I will tell you that the success of NC bringing an ex back is slim at most, but also probably the most effective strategy. I think you'll find that even if your ex does come back there's probably a .00001% chance of you two actually remaining a couple.
Author awreck Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Well, that does not sound very promising
Graceful Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Well, that does not sound very promising How long ago did your ex break the lovely news that she wants out and has friend-zoned you? See, you sound like you're in a blip load of denial right now. Nothing has registered. You're not living it yet, it's as though you're observing it. Time to get with the program. This is not a breakup. You said you were engaged for two years, so this is a broken engagement. She said she wanted to marry you, and now, two years later she wants her freedom. So she's obviously not ready for marriage. Are you? Don't settle for crumbs. She won't know for a few YEARS if she will entertain getting back together with you? Is that realistic on your part? Now, you know as well as I do that's not the way to live, not for her, not for anyone. So here we are. Take the news and run with it. She wants out? Then show her the door. You want out, ex? I understand and hear you. As a matter of fact, maybe you're right. We BOTH need space. But we can't live together, as that's not a breakup. And I don't really want to be demoted from BF to the Friend-Zone, right here in my own living space. One of you has to move out of that living space. Do you have a lease? Well, look at the reality of it, discuss it with her, and decide who should move. How can you possibly even begin to put your life back together staying in the same space? She brings a guy home one night? You want to be there to witness that? Seriously? Additionally, make her feel the repercussions of her own actions. She wants a breakup. Then GIVE HER A BREAK UP in all its glory. No "cake" for her, and "crumbs" for you. Yeesh, man, stop groveling. Create the space, no matter how much it hurts. Take some of the advice you've been given about re-claiming your life. And let nature take its course after that. There is nothing you can do to get her back or change her mind. But you can at least make yourself appear to have a spine along the way, and I suggest you do that STAT. She has to see that you're taking her at her word. She doesn't want you anymore? Well, you don't stay where you're not wanted. And no, she doesn't get to decide the parameters. You do. So get a clue, okay?
t_i Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 NC will make her miss you. But as girls are difficult she may tell you so then change her mind again the moment she knows that when she clicks her fingers you'll come running... And if the next guy doesn't treat her well she may miss the person who did treat her well. But would you trust her to not do it again? It would be difficult, stay clear and don't let her do this to you again.
fetish1980 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) Totally agree with Graceful, a woman known not to candy COAT. Your girl is talking about the famous words of space. Well let her have it. And on top of that she's talking about "IF" your paths should cross again in a few years or so, maybe you'll be together. Sorry bud, but that doesn't sound too promising. You need to get her off that pedistal and start taking time for yourself immediately. Read self help books, get a new hobby, join a gym, hang out with family or friends. Do everything to keep your mind off her. I know it hurts man. But the worse thing you can do to a woman who wants to leave you is to appear that you're doing just fine without her. Like Graceful said, at least you're appearing like you have a spine. That's more for yourself and not her anyway. Take it from me. My story was similar to yours. My girl moved out and we broke up after us being together for 8 years and engaged for 2. I was heartbroken and didn't see a life without her. I felt like a fish out of water. Now here it is 5.5 months later and i realized i like myself too much to see myself going back to her. It will get better with time, but unfortunately you have to go through the first process of pain. Be strong man! fetish Edited July 22, 2011 by fetish1980
Author awreck Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Well, I definitely was hopping for more upbeat information to give me hope of getting her back.
K.K. Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I can't help but notice that alot of these relationships where the poster says we never fought the whole time we were together all end the same way. Friend-zoned. Could it be that where there are no sparks of dissagreement there's no fire of passion? Just wondering out loud. awreck- you at least have the benefit of being the dumpee. You're not the one that'll have regrets. She will. And she will. When she goes out there and figures out that not every man was as caring and kind as you or even gives two ****s about her.... she will. I have no advice on how to win her back because well... damnit she left you. She made that choice. Even if you got her back, would you really want her or trust her again? And sure, if you're looking to have your heart continuously ripped out every single solitary day by her living with you in the friend zone whilst talking about how hot tom, dick or harry is.. then go for it. P.S. I know you're hurting and I'm sorry I can't be more upbeat. I'm extremely sorry for your pain. Just take one day at a time my brutha.
Author awreck Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Alright so, I had asked her is she wanted to hang out. She said yes. So my question is. What to do hang out have dinner and some drinks? Home or go out? Or go to a club have some drinks and some dancing? Any thoughts ?
Author awreck Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 So it has been a week today that i got the break up news. Everything is still the same except for us being a couple. We are friends / room-mates. It takes alot of self control to just be friends, but i feel as though i am not gonna have the opportunity for a second chance. So we are good friends and if we cant be a couple i rather still be her friend. Life is to short and i only live once. Looking back at the situation it seems as though we just grew apart. So in the end we are still great friends and we are still very close with each others families Also i wanted to say thank you to the LS forum posters. All the advice was greatly appreciated
TheHurtProcess Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 So it has been a week today that i got the break up news. Everything is still the same except for us being a couple. We are friends / room-mates. It takes alot of self control to just be friends, but i feel as though i am not gonna have the opportunity for a second chance. So we are good friends and if we cant be a couple i rather still be her friend. Life is to short and i only live once. Looking back at the situation it seems as though we just grew apart. So in the end we are still great friends and we are still very close with each others families Also i wanted to say thank you to the LS forum posters. All the advice was greatly appreciated Good luck. I'd personally be out the door myself. Rarely ever, if hey say that they've fallen out of love, do they ever come running back. You're most likely going to realize this over time. You've been friend-zoned and you're most likely going to stay there until you either get sick of it and walk off or she ends up with someone else. NC is the best way to go in this situation. There is no making them miss you by using NC. That's what they tell you to sell eBooks. It rarely ever works and if it does, you won't stay together long. trust me. Move on. You'll find something 10x better down the road.
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