Geya Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I'm having a hard time with "forgivness" I feel like if I forgive I won't have any reason for why the relationship ended, and if I forgive him I'm gunna fall back to being inlove with him.. It sounds crazy but I don't feel like forgiving him, other than he's hurt me so much apart of me feels like he doesn't deserve it, apart of me really dislikes him and is disgusted with him
samm84 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 No you don't have to forgive them. You can choose to once your fully healed.
Author Geya Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 But they keep saying forgivness will set you free, I feel like I might be missing out lol
Finch Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Some will disagree with me on this, but to me it's not really forgiveness that allows you to move on from a breakup, or get past the hurt, it's letting go. That doesn't necessarily mean forgiving the other person for the hurt they've caused, sweeping it under the rug, and being great friends. For me it means more....letting go of all the resentment and negative thoughts. Perhaps for some that can lead to eventual forgiveness, but I don't think that's always strictly necessary. For example, say a friend is looking after your pets while you were away. This friend decides to invite some people over for a party at your house. The party gets a little out of control, and something of great sentimental value to you is broken. You're going to be very mad at this friend. You may even stop being friends because of how they have behaved. But eventually you have to come to terms with the fact that your beloved item is broken, and can't be fixed. It isn't going to magically reassemble itself. You might not forgive your friend for allowing it to be broken, but you will get over the whole experience more fully and more quickly if you accept that it's broken, is finished, and start letting go of the bad feelings that surround the entire episode. It's an inexact parallel, I know. But it's the best way I can describe the slight difference I see between letting go and forgiving.
Nohbody Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Forgiveness is a very mushy concept with lots of baggage attached. In the end, it's about acceptance. This is life. This is what happened, and this is what you've done about it. Accept that this is your life now, and you have to do what's best for you. The other person has probably done the same. Everything that was is in the past, and that's behind you. The future stretches out ahead.
D-Lish Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I forgave my ex Husband for cheating on me and getting another woman pregnant. It took a while- but I did forgive him. Forgiving him was my closure on the matter, I recognized I wasn't a perfect wife- and I contributed to pushing him away... And in the end I was able to forgive- and that helped me move on from him. I had a lot of anger initially- but I got over it.
Sugarkane Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 There was a really good article on this on baggereclaim. Especially trying to forgive when you dont even get an apology.
quankanne Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 lotta good input from your fellow posters, Geya. Ultimately, the act of forgiveness means giving yourself a chance to move on. Or, as someone put it, "beginning again with love." Not necessarily love for the person who hurt you, but for yourself, because let's face it, when a love relationship ends, we're not only angry with the person we were in the relationship with for choosing not to be with us, but with ourselves for lacking whatever it was the other person needed ....
thelovingkind Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Some will disagree with me on this, but to me it's not really forgiveness that allows you to move on from a breakup, or get past the hurt, it's letting go. This is also how I see things. The only thing you have to do is let go and move on. Forgiveness is a strategy that may or may not help you do that. Many people find forgiveness helps to release them from their psychological trauma, but mulling over this question for too long or beating yourself up for being unable to forgive somebody may actually be counter-productive. Some people will definitely be better off if they drop the issue of forgiveness altogether. So the question is not "How can I forgive the other person?", the question is "How can I move on from them?" Depending on your situation and psyche, forgiveness may or may not be a part of how you answer this.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I don't feel like forgiving him, other than he's hurt me so much apart of me feels like he doesn't deserve it, apart of me really dislikes him and is disgusted with him Forgive him for everything, the breakup, unresolved issues, what happened after the breakup... everything... He's hurt you so much, you feel like he doesn't deserve the forgiveness, you dislike him and are disgusted with him to some extent... Just forgive him, it will make moving on so much easier. Now with that said you don't need to trust him and I don't think you should. I don't think you are really troubled with forgiving him precisely. I think you are associating forgiveness with "I'm going to trust him again". And if you want to keep that feeling of dislike you can just say "I don't trust that bast@*d!!!".
Sebstian Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) You are justified in being angry, yet anger is a way to stay connected to someone, albeit not a positive way. To get on with your life, you need to disconnect yourself from your ex emotionally and forgiving is a direct route. You don't do it for them you do it for yourself! I forgave my ex for cheating. Could never take her back though, but I forgave her. She was just a human being and probably tried the best she could, but she just wasn't a very strong person. I forgave her for not being perfect, which helped me letting it go. Edited July 22, 2011 by Sebstian
t_i Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I don't think you can force forgiveness? My ex when I was younger was horrible to me and did some unforgivable things. Yet all the while when I was angry at him - I felt like feelings were still there and it was able to upset me easily. The moment I got over it and didn't care anymore was when all the feelings of anger left. I wouldn't say I forgive him after everything. I just don't care, I'd never be friends with him, he tried but I ignored him. I think the opposite of love is not caring, not hate. More acceptance than forgiveness. And I don't think you can force it either - who can control how they feel? Just my opinion realllly. 1
Author Geya Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Thanks everybody for the great advice, HeartOfPhoenix I think I'm guna do that! That'll be my line , I'm willing to let go of the anger and bitterness as long as I know it's not going to happen again, I changed my number and blocked him everywhere else so the chances of that are almost 0. I won't change the way I look at him though, I still think he is not trust-worthy, coward who decided to end the relationship by disappearing, he's still that person with many issues & who did me wrong, but I'm not guna hold on to that hurt anymore! I feel better..
latexyankee Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 l when a love relationship ends, we're not only angry with the person we were in the relationship with for choosing not to be with us, but with ourselves for lacking whatever it was the other person needed .... ^True, hurts, but truthfull
TheHurtProcess Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Personally, I've chosen to "forgive" my ex. However, I will never "forget". There are some things that you just simply cannot "forget" and the lying, cheating, betrayal and abandonment is just a few of them to name. There will be no more chances considering I've given her plenty of chances to prove me wrong and she failed miserably every time. I was right all along.
Recommended Posts