Marriages more likely to end when other people know about the affair

[JaneyAmazed]

My wife's cheating was sort of like the straw that broke the camels back. I used to be a very trusting person and wanted to believe that people were basically good and truthful. This naive approach to life caused a series of disappointments culminated by an unfaithful spouse.

 

I've learned my lesson from life and will never trust anyone with my hopes and dreams and heart again. How can you "love like you've never been hurt" when you have been emotionally crushed by love so many times?

 

This makes me so sad. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

[OldOnTheInside]

Reminds me of a study that said "children with bigger feet do better in school".

 

Purposefully (or not) presenting information in a misleading way to fit a specific agenda.

 

It's too situational to say either way. Too many variables. Too many factors. Too many people.

 

To be clear, I'm not calling anyone a coward or judging whether a BS should stay & try to reconcile or just walk away. Every case is unique. I'm simply sharing MY feelings about MY situation.

You still married to your wife drifter?

[bentnotbroken]

My wife's cheating was sort of like the straw that broke the camels back. I used to be a very trusting person and wanted to believe that people were basically good and truthful. This naive approach to life caused a series of disappointments culminated by an unfaithful spouse.

 

I've learned my lesson from life and will never trust anyone with my hopes and dreams and heart again. How can you "love like you've never been hurt" when you have been emotionally crushed by love so many times?

 

 

I hear ya.

[nyrias]

Reminds me of a study that said "children with bigger feet do better in school".

 

Purposefully (or not) presenting information in a misleading way to fit a specific agenda.

 

It's too situational to say either way. Too many variables. Too many factors. Too many people.

 

 

That is only true if the goal is to handle and give advice to a single client. If the goal is to set policy, aggregate statistics is the way to go.

 

If it is indeed the children with bigger feet, on average, do better at school, then may be more attention needs to be pay to the other kids, as a policy.

 

You cannot make policy decisions without this kind of information.

[Dionysus]

That is only true if the goal is to handle and give advice to a single client. If the goal is to set policy, aggregate statistics is the way to go.

 

If it is indeed the children with bigger feet, on average, do better at school, then may be more attention needs to be pay to the other kids, as a policy.

 

You cannot make policy decisions without this kind of information.

 

That's very nice nyrias, but it has no relevance here. Policy has nothing to do with this topic.

 

In any case, I recognise OOTI's example from an old sociology class of mine. Older children tend to have bigger feet. They also tend to be in more advanced classes. It wouldn't surprise me if policy makers and statistics gatherers were this incompetent.

 

To stay on topic I agree with this.

 

Ultimately I think every situation is different. For some it will provide additional support to help you through the pain and aid a potential reconciliation. For others, those who know may criticise and make it difficult - they may not welcome the WS into the family making reconciliation difficult. For others, it may be that the reconciling couple will strive to show that they can make things work in spite of what others may believe. And then for some it may be that there is so much stress in the reconciliation process as it is that perceiving others as watching you and judging you is just too much.

 

Every situation has its own personal circumstances. What works for some will not work for others.

Compare OWoman's situation to Spark's for instance. As they say, "different strokes for different folks". Edited July 26, 2011 by Dionysus

[nyrias]

That's very nice nyrias, but it has no relevance here. Policy has nothing to do with this topic.

 

Of course policy has EVERYTHING to do with this topic. IF the claim is NOT true (i.e. marriages are more likely to end with exposure), there should be a general policy (for institution that does counseling training) to make sure marriage counselors are aware of the fact.

 

In fact, i have posted research before showing that marriage counselors DO NOT always recommend disclosure.

 

http://tfj.sagepub.com/content/16/4/328.full.pdf+html

 

In fact, 46.1% of the therapist surveyed disagree that disclosure is recommended if it will cause a divorce (table 1). Don't you think the answer to the OP's question is relevant to how therapist should be trained in the future?

 

And THAT is a policy issue.

[KathyM]

Of course policy has EVERYTHING to do with this topic. IF the claim is NOT true (i.e. marriages are more likely to end with exposure), there should be a general policy (for institution that does counseling training) to make sure marriage counselors are aware of the fact.

 

In fact, i have posted research before showing that marriage counselors DO NOT always recommend disclosure.

 

http://tfj.sagepub.com/content/16/4/328.full.pdf+html

 

In fact, 46.1% of the therapist surveyed disagree that disclosure is recommended if it will cause a divorce (table 1). Don't you think the answer to the OP's question is relevant to how therapist should be trained in the future?

 

And THAT is a policy issue.

The majority of therapists believe that full disclosure is necessary in order for the marriage to heal. All of the research material I have read recommends full disclosure. That is the most optimal point to start rebuilding is from a position of full honesty. It shows that the WS is willing to take responsibility for his actions, and shows his intent to change from deception to honesty. If trust is to be rebuilt, there has to be honesty in the relationship.

[turnera]

If my husband cheated on me, I would be extremely ashamed and not want anyone to know--not even a close relative or confidant. Not my kids. No one. A married couple is a unit, and when the one spouse does something shameful, it brings shame upon the other as well. When my sister's husband was unfaithful, I was the only one she told, and she swore me to secrecy. A secret I kept for 20 years until he cheated again and they ended up divorced. Then she told the relatives. Both partners often feel shame because of an affair.

If his and her family had been told about the cheating, her husband would have had to face himself (and them) through a good dose of humility. It is that humility - acknowledging to yourself and others that you CAN be a screw up - that allows you to admit your weakness and vow never to do it again. Kind of like in AA.

 

It's more likely that the experience would have shattered his complacency and made him think twice before ever going that route again - because he would never want to face her parents and look them in the eyes AGAIN after doing it to her once, and knowing that they knew.

[turnera]

And, of course, exposing the affair DURING it is most certainly called for, because the whole allure of an affair is that you do it in secret, which adds to your 'buzz' and makes the affair partner look that much more exciting.

 

Once a light is shown on the couple, and everyone sees the 'romance' for the sleazy slop it is, it's kind of embarrassing to continue in it. Plus, if family and friends know what you're doing, they are likely to tell you off, AND inform you that they will NOT admit your affair partner into their family/friend circle by replacing your legitimate mate. Kinds rains on the parade somewhat.

[KathyM]

If his and her family had been told about the cheating, her husband would have had to face himself (and them) through a good dose of humility. It is that humility - acknowledging to yourself and others that you CAN be a screw up - that allows you to admit your weakness and vow never to do it again. Kind of like in AA.

 

It's more likely that the experience would have shattered his complacency and made him think twice before ever going that route again - because he would never want to face her parents and look them in the eyes AGAIN after doing it to her once, and knowing that they knew.

True. By telling the family or friends or outsiders, it holds the WS more accountable and he may think twice about repeating the betrayal if he knows the whole world is going to hear about it. But I think most couples want to keep their private life private, and only disclose the affair to a MC if their goal is to get back together. They don't want their dirty laundry aired out for the world to see, and all the gossip mongers in the family spreading their personal life to every Tom, Dick and Harry. I, personally, would prefer to only share that information with a MC, and I would be the one to hold my husband accountable. I don't need others to do that for me.

[turnera]

True. By telling the family or friends or outsiders, it holds the WS more accountable and he may think twice about repeating the betrayal if he knows the whole world is going to hear about it. But I think most couples want to keep their private life private, and only disclose the affair to a MC if their goal is to get back together. They don't want their dirty laundry aired out for the world to see, and all the gossip mongers in the family spreading their personal life to every Tom, Dick and Harry. I, personally, would prefer to only share that information with a MC, and I would be the one to hold my husband accountable. I don't need others to do that for me.

That's everyone's choice, of course, and if you have a dysfunctional family or friends you need to decide carefully. But if you had a good relationship with your family and his family, they can be your (both of you) biggest supporters and helpers. As I said, humility is the key to not cheating again. And having such accountability partners goes hand in hand with it. Plus, based on all the marriages I've read about over the last decade, those who DID disclose to their important people had higher marriage survival rates.

[Equinox]

Of course policy has EVERYTHING to do with this topic. IF the claim is NOT true (i.e. marriages are more likely to end with exposure), there should be a general policy (for institution that does counseling training) to make sure marriage counselors are aware of the fact.

 

In fact, i have posted research before showing that marriage counselors DO NOT always recommend disclosure.

 

http://tfj.sagepub.com/content/16/4/328.full.pdf+html

 

In fact, 46.1% of the therapist surveyed disagree that disclosure is recommended if it will cause a divorce (table 1). Don't you think the answer to the OP's question is relevant to how therapist should be trained in the future?

 

And THAT is a policy issue.

 

I've spent over 2 decades working in the field of psychology, mainly in counselling (not to brag, just saying).

 

There is a reason why it is called a "soft science". As a rule, we deal with hypothetical constructs, which makes things far more complicated (meaning inaccurate) than the tangible evidence that comes along with the "hard sciences". Hell, take Psych 101 at your nearest University. Taking the data that we have gathered with a grain of salt, is one of the first things that we learn.

 

In our line of work, the validity and value of quantative research, is strenuous at best. Beyond a controlled test environment, there are far too many extraneous variables for such generalised statements to have much practical value. Which is why I am curious as to who these surveyed therapists are. And to what scientific value this survey has. Very little, from what I see.

 

Feel free to get the opinion of a experienced psychologist that isn't being paid excessive sums for any of their quantative research. See what they have to say behind closed doors. Depending on how cynical they have become, their opinion of "aggregate statistics" may interest you. You might also find the actual opinions of some "policy makers" interesting.

 

To answer your bolded question: Not really. Therapists and counsellors work on a case-by-case basis. The answer to this thread's question would be meaningless to a client. Being presented in a scientific journal for some minor recognition would be about all it would get.

 

Kathy, I wish you the best of luck with your studies. But I will say that what you learn in a book will only take you so far, if and when you get the neccessary qualifications to work in your desired field. You will find that much of this bookwork is...bull.

Edited July 29, 2011 by Equinox

[nyrias]

The majority of therapists believe that full disclosure is necessary in order for the marriage to heal. All of the research material I have read recommends full disclosure. That is the most optimal point to start rebuilding is from a position of full honesty. It shows that the WS is willing to take responsibility for his actions, and shows his intent to change from deception to honesty. If trust is to be rebuilt, there has to be honesty in the relationship.

 

Do you have a cite to support the statement that "The majority of therapists believe that full disclosure is necessary in order for the marriage to heal".

 

The paper i quoted only support the statement in some and NOT all circumstances. In particular, 57.3% (a majority) of the respondents disagree with disclosure it the affair is "past and terminated".

 

In the case of "likely to end in divorce", 46.1% disagree with disclosure. Now that is NOT a majority but pretty close and certainly can be considered a large and significant fraction of therapist.

 

I have no reason to doubt the validity of this study. Do you?

 

(BTW, i am NOT questioning the wisdom of disclosure. This post is about therapist attitudes in different situations, not the effects of disclosure. If you have seen literature of empirical evidence of the effects of disclosure. Please post it.)

[Afishwithabike]

And, of course, exposing the affair DURING it is most certainly called for, because the whole allure of an affair is that you do it in secret, which adds to your 'buzz' and makes the affair partner look that much more exciting.

 

Once a light is shown on the couple, and everyone sees the 'romance' for the sleazy slop it is, it's kind of embarrassing to continue in it. Plus, if family and friends know what you're doing, they are likely to tell you off, AND inform you that they will NOT admit your affair partner into their family/friend circle by replacing your legitimate mate. Kinds rains on the parade somewhat.

 

Agreed. We have a family friend who we've known about about 30 years. She's my mother's best friend. The husband of this woman is in a very prestigous job. Makes a six figure salary. They live in a wealthy neighborhood. The kids go to the fanciest private school in the area. He is very nice, very reserved and courteous. I've known him since I was in elementary school. In a million years I wouldn't have expected him to cheat. He did. He cheated with a single mom at his workplace. After the affair was discovered, my mom's friend told everyone in her circle - friends and family. When she told us, we were shocked and angered on her behalf. The affair ended very quickly because he just couldn't handle the reactions he got from those he had known for years. He threw the OW under the bus, got into intensive martial counseling, and now several years later, he and the wife are still together. At the time, I really thought she should have divorced his a**, but she seems at least on the surface happy with him.

Edited July 29, 2011 by Afishwithabike
spelling

[turnera]

I'm a really big believer in wakeup calls and second chances. And I firmly believe that people should undergo a shift change in their marriages at some point, where they look back, see what they should have done differently, and start doing things better. So they can have a better, SMARTER second half of their marriage.

[worlybear]

I remember reading that a marriage with infidelity is more likely to end when when family, relatives/ colleagues know about the affair. Unfortunately I cant remember where I read this (please let me know if you have read this too and know the source).

 

If this is true then it suggests that the decision is not necessarily based on the marriage itself/ relationship with their partner. But rather external factors, the views of other people. But surely such a decision should be guided by how you feel and what you think is right, rather than what others think.

 

Just wondered what others think?

Can only weigh in with my own experience. When my STBXH cheated everyone at our workplace knew and the catastrophic events are documented on LS elsewhere. As we lived in a small community the gossips had a field day.

Being in the glare of Joe Public did not help in any way and I do feel that it contributed to the death of our marriage. I regret that.

[nyrias]

I'm a really big believer in wakeup calls and second chances. And I firmly believe that people should undergo a shift change in their marriages at some point, where they look back, see what they should have done differently, and start doing things better. So they can have a better, SMARTER second half of their marriage.

 

Or a new one. Or a new single life.

 

It is not clear for me that people who married long time ago knew exactly what they are getting into (and that people do change).