Syzygypassion Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I remember reading that a marriage with infidelity is more likely to end when when family, relatives/ colleagues know about the affair. Unfortunately I cant remember where I read this (please let me know if you have read this too and know the source). If this is true then it suggests that the decision is not necessarily based on the marriage itself/ relationship with their partner. But rather external factors, the views of other people. But surely such a decision should be guided by how you feel and what you think is right, rather than what others think. Just wondered what others think?
bentnotbroken Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I have read just the opposite. Marriages are more likely to survive when they are supported and surrounded by those who are friends of marriage and want to see the couple succeed. It also holds both partners accountable for the state of the marriage.
drifter777 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I remember reading that a marriage with infidelity is more likely to end when when family, relatives/ colleagues know about the affair. Unfortunately I cant remember where I read this (please let me know if you have read this too and know the source). If this is true then it suggests that the decision is not necessarily based on the marriage itself/ relationship with their partner. But rather external factors, the views of other people. But surely such a decision should be guided by how you feel and what you think is right, rather than what others think. Just wondered what others think? I believe that if "everyone" knew about my wife's cheating that I would never have attempted reconciliation. It took me over 20 years before I told anyone about it, and that was my counselor. I still feel a tremendous amount of shame for not walking away when she proposed reconciliation. Something inside of me says that a real man doesn't tolerate a cheating wife. Not saying it's right, but it's the way I feel and it made reconciliation that much harder for me. Some people tell EVERYONE who will listen about their cheating spouse - I don't get that at all. To me, the shame a BS feels can only be magnified by the number of people who know about the cheating.
bentnotbroken Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I believe that if "everyone" knew about my wife's cheating that I would never have attempted reconciliation. It took me over 20 years before I told anyone about it, and that was my counselor. I still feel a tremendous amount of shame for not walking away when she proposed reconciliation. Something inside of me says that a real man doesn't tolerate a cheating wife. Not saying it's right, but it's the way I feel and it made reconciliation that much harder for me. Some people tell EVERYONE who will listen about their cheating spouse - I don't get that at all. To me, the shame a BS feels can only be magnified by the number of people who know about the cheating. Why did you feel shame? I don't understand that one. I felt a lot of emotions(sometimes they still come out of nowhere)but shame was never one of them.
silktricks Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I haven't read anything in either direction, but I do think that if the BS should be hearing a lot of "you should leave" that it could, for some people, make choosing to stay and work through the problems more difficult.
anne1707 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Ultimately I think every situation is different. For some it will provide additional support to help you through the pain and aid a potential reconciliation. For others, those who know may criticise and make it difficult - they may not welcome the WS into the family making reconciliation difficult. For others, it may be that the reconciling couple will strive to show that they can make things work in spite of what others may believe. And then for some it may be that there is so much stress in the reconciliation process as it is that perceiving others as watching you and judging you is just too much. Every situation has its own personal circumstances. What works for some will not work for others.
Waffles Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Ultimately I think every situation is different. For some it will provide additional support to help you through the pain and aid a potential reconciliation. For others, those who know may criticise and make it difficult - they may not welcome the WS into the family making reconciliation difficult. For others, it may be that the reconciling couple will strive to show that they can make things work in spite of what others may believe. And then for some it may be that there is so much stress in the reconciliation process as it is that perceiving others as watching you and judging you is just too much. Every situation has its own personal circumstances. What works for some will not work for others. Yep. That is one of the flaws of these types of studies. Too many variables to consider. It's not a controlled test environment. Thus, the results are lacking in any practical value.
David Cain Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I haven't read anything in either direction, but I do think that if the BS should be hearing a lot of "you should leave" that it could, for some people, make choosing to stay and work through the problems more difficult. It's already hard just choosing to stay and those who tell a BS to leave is nothing negative.
drifter777 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I still feel a tremendous amount of shame for not walking away when she proposed reconciliation.Why did you feel shame? I don't understand that one. I felt a lot of emotions(sometimes they still come out of nowhere)but shame was never one of them. See above - do you understand now?
bentnotbroken Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 See above - do you understand now? But that's my point. Do you know how much strength it takes to stay. As much as it takes to walk away. Either choice takes incredible courage. You showed great courage. There is no reason to feel shame.
Spark1111 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I remember reading that a marriage with infidelity is more likely to end when when family, relatives/ colleagues know about the affair. Unfortunately I cant remember where I read this (please let me know if you have read this too and know the source). If this is true then it suggests that the decision is not necessarily based on the marriage itself/ relationship with their partner. But rather external factors, the views of other people. But surely such a decision should be guided by how you feel and what you think is right, rather than what others think. Just wondered what others think? What people do not know about affairs just apalls me.... I was lied to, deceived, and betrayed....and I shoud feel ashamed? Why? The inane advice I received from friends and some family members still boggles my mind. It could be a book. Everything from: The self-righteous know-it-alls: "Well, if my husband EVER cheated on me it would be over, but....you do what you want...." "My mother said a lot of husbands cheat, but a woman doesn't want to be alone in old age, so they forgive and look the other way." WTH? I wasn't old and did not lack from male attention, had I been so inclined. "My H cheated and I forgave him. We never talked about it (rug sweepers) but family is more important than anything." Huh? From women: "Was she younger, prettier, kept a better house?" None of the above, helllloooo? Insecure much? I WAS humiliated because I did not see what was right in front of my face. However, I forgave myself pretty quickly because I loved and trusted him that HE WAS working late at that new, high-pressured job we had prayed for. Best advice? My young adult children: "You do WHATEVER you need to do to heal. Tell anyone who you feel will be of support to you. We are still family, and as a family, we will figure it out and come out stronger on the other side, whether you decide to stay with dad or not." God, I am blessed! Here is my bottom line: Affairs THRIVE in secrecy. Expose it to trusted friends and family, but be prepared to hear advice from eveyone's personal perspective, personal fears. If they haven't (or even if they have) been through it, you will not hear what you want. A lot like LS! Reconciliation was hard! Many did not understand our decision to overcome this trauma. But we decided that if they were not a friend of the marriage --whether due to fear, or judgement-- they were no longer a friend. We are okay with that.
fltc Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I remember reading that a marriage with infidelity is more likely to end when when family, relatives/ colleagues know about the affair. Since you asked, I think this as an example of figures don't lie but liars can figure! The statistic is backward, the person who is determined to leave is the person who's more likely to expose the affair so naturally the statistics come out as you recall. IOW, the exposure didn't cause the divorce, it was a natural part of the decision to divorce.
JaneyAmazed Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Why did you feel shame? I don't understand that one. I felt a lot of emotions(sometimes they still come out of nowhere)but shame was never one of them. My H felt shame too. He only wanted my parents and my brother to know out of necessity (to keep the kids during right after dday). He's told me why. He was ashamed that our marriage wasn't the great marriage everyone thought is was. He felt like he failed as a husband - like he wasn't enough for me. He was ashamed of me. I've since talked some sense into him about him not being enough for me and about not being good enough. Maybe it's natural for some BSs to blame themselves and therefore feel shame. I hate that my H had to feel that way. He understands better now. He knows that it was my choice, and there is no excuse for cheating. He's always been the type to be ashamed easily, even when he shouldn't. That might have something to do with.
JaneyAmazed Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 What people do not know about affairs just apalls me.... I was lied to, deceived, and betrayed....and I shoud feel ashamed? Why? The inane advice I received from friends and some family members still boggles my mind. It could be a book. Everything from: The self-righteous know-it-alls: "Well, if my husband EVER cheated on me it would be over, but....you do what you want...." "My mother said a lot of husbands cheat, but a woman doesn't want to be alone in old age, so they forgive and look the other way." WTH? I wasn't old and did not lack from male attention, had I been so inclined. "My H cheated and I forgave him. We never talked about it (rug sweepers) but family is more important than anything." Huh? From women: "Was she younger, prettier, kept a better house?" None of the above, helllloooo? Insecure much? I WAS humiliated because I did not see what was right in front of my face. However, I forgave myself pretty quickly because I loved and trusted him that HE WAS working late at that new, high-pressured job we had prayed for. Best advice? My young adult children: "You do WHATEVER you need to do to heal. Tell anyone who you feel will be of support to you. We are still family, and as a family, we will figure it out and come out stronger on the other side, whether you decide to stay with dad or not." God, I am blessed! Here is my bottom line: Affairs THRIVE in secrecy. Expose it to trusted friends and family, but be prepared to hear advice from eveyone's personal perspective, personal fears. If they haven't (or even if they have) been through it, you will not hear what you want. A lot like LS! Reconciliation was hard! Many did not understand our decision to overcome this trauma. But we decided that if they were not a friend of the marriage --whether due to fear, or judgement-- they were no longer a friend. We are okay with that. Excellent advice!
Waffles Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I'm curious passion, what's your motivation for posting this? I assume nobody knows of your affair...
bentnotbroken Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 My H felt shame too. He only wanted my parents and my brother to know out of necessity (to keep the kids during right after dday). He's told me why. He was ashamed that our marriage wasn't the great marriage everyone thought is was. He felt like he failed as a husband - like he wasn't enough for me. He was ashamed of me. I've since talked some sense into him about him not being enough for me and about not being good enough. Maybe it's natural for some BSs to blame themselves and therefore feel shame. I hate that my H had to feel that way. He understands better now. He knows that it was my choice, and there is no excuse for cheating. He's always been the type to be ashamed easily, even when he shouldn't. That might have something to do with. I guess that makes sense. I just found it "shocking" that a person who found the courage to stay in the relationship would feel shame. I think I would also find it shocking that a person might feel shame if they decided to leave. I wouldn't consider them a failure either. I think it is sad that any BS would feel shame for something so much out of their control.
cheating-husband Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I remember reading that a marriage with infidelity is more likely to end when when family, relatives/ colleagues know about the affair. Unfortunately I cant remember where I read this (please let me know if you have read this too and know the source). If this is true then it suggests that the decision is not necessarily based on the marriage itself/ relationship with their partner. But rather external factors, the views of other people. But surely such a decision should be guided by how you feel and what you think is right, rather than what others think. Just wondered what others think? For me, it is ok to disclose it to someone whom you trusted and won't not be biased in the situation. If I will keep it, I will surely die with heartaches. It is not easy to bear the situation alone. We always need support to keep us going. And sometimes other people see some significant points that we couldn't because we are already blinded with hatred and fears. Their honest opinion can also help you figure out things. But don't expose it to almost half of the village for your children's sake.
JaneyAmazed Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I guess that makes sense. I just found it "shocking" that a person who found the courage to stay in the relationship would feel shame. I think I would also find it shocking that a person might feel shame if they decided to leave. I wouldn't consider them a failure either. I think it is sad that any BS would feel shame for something so much out of their control. Oh I agree! I think it took a lot of courage for my H to stay with me and not leave. I thank him all the time until he gets annoyed with me. I have so much respect for him. And yes, it was out of his control...and it is sad that he ever felt shame at all.
JRoy Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 My own experience was to tell anyone who would listen. I believe it helped.
Summer Breeze Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I asked xMMsW after dday 3 if she had forced the issue of MC/IC and if she had anyone to talk to. She said she would do none of it because she knew her friends and family would tell her she was stupid to put up with it. And there was a huge family wedding and they were like the matriarch/patriarch of the family and they needed to be there. For her, and to a large degree him as well, it was important to keep the M together for perception. I know that I never hid it. My xH begged me not to tell his family and our friends. I had nothing to hide so why hide anything? I wasn't concerned over perception or who knew because he'd done me wrong and I was blowing that pop stand-figuratively you know . He made his bed. I'd gotten out and was dam+ed if I was going to make it and have it look all pretty for him! Someone had said something about telling just people who would support you. I liken that to here. It's best to hear and talk about all sides. I'm not sure if this was after reconcilliation had been decided, then it would make sense to only want support. Sorry if I did misread it!
KathyM Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I think it's a matter of when people decide to split up because of an affair, then they tell others of the breakup, and that is when news of the affair tends to get circulated. If the couple decides to stay together, they often don't tell others about the affair.
Spark1111 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I guess that makes sense. I just found it "shocking" that a person who found the courage to stay in the relationship would feel shame. I think I would also find it shocking that a person might feel shame if they decided to leave. I wouldn't consider them a failure either. I think it is sad that any BS would feel shame for something so much out of their control. Bent, you'd be stunned by how often I feel the projection from another that I must've been deficient in some area or another for my H to have cheated on me! (Fears projected again!) It is blatantly sexist, and women who are often still insecure about their roles, are among its worst perpetrators. It's the old rules of stay pretty and fit, keep an immaculate home with nutritious hot-cooked meals; take impeccable care of the children and be a tigress in bed at the end of the day and he won't have any reason to stray. After you work that full time job!
Tech_E Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I was so angry on D-day I almost yelled it from the hilltop. I certainly didn't feel any shame but I can empathize with those who did. I told my family, her family, our friends, you name it. In my opinion that was a mistake. Several months later when we began our reconciliation (still a WIP) it made the situation all that much worse. When all is said and done I suppose I'd recommend only telling those that you need for support. Think carefully before doing so because it not only impacts the future dynamic of the relationship with that person, but it also will if any reconcilation is attempted.
reboot Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 It's just the opposite really. Affairs are more likely to end when other people know about them.
Spark1111 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 It's just the opposite really. Affairs are more likely to end when other people know about them. This was true for my sitch, before I got my Ph.D. in "Affairology.":p Based on the texts I intercepted, I thought he was deeply in love with another and planning a future with her. I was outraged I had been deceived, but thought divorce was inevitable as he alluded to her the necessity of waiting until he got his finances in order. No wait necessary for me. Get out now, we will work out the details later. First words out of his mouth: "Please don't tell anyone." I was stunned, but it would be a long time until I understood the scary compartmentalization necessary to sustain a secret affair. They went pfffffft....in about six weeks of chosen family and friends knowing AND my permission to go be with his "soulmate." It did end the affair, but it certainly increased my confusion and I set out to learn everything I could about affair relationships.
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