morethanconfused Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 First of all English is not my native language so please bear with me if I make any spelling or grammar mistakes. Couldn’t find a site like this one where I might get some answers to my questions. And since the guy that I was dating is an American I figured it might be helpful to ask Americans for some advices. It might sound stupid but in fact there are a lot of differences between Americans and Germans. Anyway, here it goes. A few months ago I started to text with a guy (31) online on a dating site. Just a few short messages and then we decided that it might be a good idea to meet for a date. This date never happened because he cancelled last minute. (Later on our 1st date he told me that he just cancelled because he was broke at that time and nervous too. He thought he can’t ask a girl out if he was broke.) A few months later we started to text online again and decided to give it another try. This time I was the one who cancelled the date but we catch up the day after. It was a great date. We had had lunch and talked for hours and after that he also asked me to go with him to a movie. So our first date lasted more than 8 hours. On our second date he told me that he asked me to walk him home because I was with my bike and he wanted to spend more time with me. Anyway, after our first date I felt like sending him a message that I had a great time on which he responded that he felt the same. Then he was gone for 2 weeks because of his job. While he was gone we exchanged a few short messages. He was very short with his answers and I was the one who texted him first. So I thought he wouldn’t be that interested and I told him that I would step back on which he responded that I shouldn’t do that. So I decided to keep calm and to wait what would happen after he would come back from his work trip. Only one day after he got back from his trip I got a message from him and we had a second date the day after. It was a rainy day and we decided that movies, pizza and ice cream at my place would be a great idea. He shares his flat with other people but I have my own apartment, that’s why at my place. We met in the afternoon and he stayed the whole night. We didn’t make out, we just kissed a few times and were cuddling while watching the movies. Nothing else happened. The morning after we went to the train together and he asked me if we would meet any time soon. I agreed and only 2 days later I got a text message from him at 10:30 pm like “what are you up to?” I was on a party with friends that night but also wanted to see him. So I asked him to pick me up later and to walk me home. He responded that it would be an honor to walk me home and we met a few hours later. At my place we were watching another movie and started to make out a bit. But I was really tired and not in the best mood, that’s why I stopped and we started to talk for a few hours instead until we felt asleep. The next morning was really awkward. I was so tired and for the records I am so not a morning person. He just got up to take a shower and while he was doing that I went to another room to call at work that I would stop by a little later then usually. Well, the call lasted a bit longer so I didn’t realize that he already had finished showering and was back to the bedroom again. When I got back to my bedroom he was lying on my bed just in his underwear. I asked him what he was up to and he said that he was hungry. So I told him that he could get some muesli from the kitchen. He went to the kitchen and I went back to bed instead. After a few minutes I was wondering why he didn’t came back and saw that he was sitting in the kitchen still in his underwear eating his muesli. I asked him why he was doing that alone in the kitchen but he didn’t respond, so I went back to bed again. After he had finished breakfast in the kitchen he came back to the bedroom and told me he had to go. He got dressed but really slowly. It felt like hours until he was done. Then he came to my bed and gave me 3 short kissed for goodbye. Kiss-pause-kiss-another pause-kiss. Then he said he had to go to the bathroom again because he wanted to brush his teeth first before he would leave. After that I escorted him to the door and he just said bye. I felt very stupid and I knew that I was a really bad host. So a few hours later I sent him a text message where I told him that I would be sorry for being such a mess lately and that I should have said no when he asked me if we could meet the other night because I already knew that I felt tired and wouldn’t be in my best mood. I told him to make it up another time if he would be still interested. I didn’t get a response. A few days later on the weekend I sent him another message like “if he would like to hang out for a beer, having some fun time”. No response. So I waited almost a week until I thought I would give it one last try. I sent him a long text message where I asked him what happened and that I would be confused because I didn’t understand why I got no reply to any of my messages. He just ignored it. That was a week ago and I know that right now he is on a work trip again for 2 weeks. So what do you think? Did I ruin it on the morning after our 3rd date? I already know that I shouldn’t have texted him 3 times after that 3rd date. But at that time I felt like it and didn’t want to give up easily. I won’t text him again and I doubt that I will ever hear from him again. But I would really like to know what might have happened. What did I do wrong? Or didn’t I do anything wrong and it is just normal that guys feel like ignoring someone after 3 dates and after they have told someone that they really like her. I would understand if he would be a jerk and would disappear because he was just interested in sex and didn’t get it on at the third date. But I don’t think that he is a jerk. All this cuddling and talking and spending time together didn’t feel like he was just interested in sex. He made me feel like he was really interested in getting to know me. And if I would be him, I wouldn’t have stayed that long the morning after the 3rd with a moody girl like I was if I would have been just interested in sex. So what do you think why he is ignoring me completely? Why can’t he just send a short message like: “I enjoyed hanging out with you but I am not interested anymore.” You know, just something so I could understand why he is doing that now.
amymarieca Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I don't think what you did that morning is ruining it, but how you are reacting. Don't feel like you need to make him a big fancy breakfast in order to be a good host. It has only been three dates afterall! Usually with online dating though I have found that men will lose interest because they started dating someone else they also met online. To some people, it's like shopping and they are going to try out all of the merchandise rather than just settle for one thing.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 When you start mentioning "bad mood" the first morning you wake up with him, which was only after the 3rd date, for all he knows, youre a horribly moody person, and no one wants to deal with that. Thats the only thing I can grab that you can be faulted for. But my first vote goes to he just wanted sex and nothing else. He knew he wasnt getting it easy, and cut you loose. And btw, whens the last time you had a bad date with someone and told them straight up “I am not interested anymore”? Most people dont do that, they just disappear.
Author morethanconfused Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 @amymarieca: Yeah, you are so right. Online dating sucks a lot and it really feels like online shopping sometimes. Never made it to a 3rd date with a guy that I have met on an online dating site. Maybe that is why I am so confused right now because usually it was pretty clear after a 1st or at least a 2nd date if the guy or I wasn’t interested. @eddi edirol: Maybe you are right and he just wanted to have sex. But I would just react differently the morning after if I wouldn’t have had sex. I wouldn’t have stayed that long in the apartment. In fact I would have run as fast as a can. But maybe guys are more practical and prefer to have some breakfast alone in the kitchen before going home. I guess men and women are more different than I thought. Well, after a 1st date I usually don’t explain that I am not interested. I just move on. But after a 3rd date and spending time together like we did, I would at least respond to a message if the guy would ask me what happened. Maybe I wouldn’t send the first message just tell him that there won’t be a 4th date but if he would try to get in touch with me I would at least answer with a short but nice message. That is what I call being polite to someone that I was at least a bit interested in regardless of whether I just wanted to have sex or not.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Yeah but it doesnt matter what you would have done, you already know what you were thinking at the moment. He doesnt. He didnt get to have sex with you the night before while you were making out hot and heavy. In the morning, you didnt get his crappy hint that he wanted you to stop him from getting dressed to have sex, which is what I guess why he was getting dressed slowly. So if he didnt call you after that and ignored your calls, he was only after sex. He know you didnt want just sex, that was the page he was on, and not you. So he didnt want you getting attached to him when thats all he wanted, so he ignored your calls, and is out looking for a woman that is on the same page hes on.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Third date, you invite a guy over to your place, late at night. I don't know about Germany, but in America this would mean that you wanted to have sex. So when you put a brake on his efforts to escalate because you were in a "bad mood", he figured that you were a tease. Next time, if you feel tired and in a bad mood, don't invite a guy over.
zengirl Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Third date, you invite a guy over to your place, late at night. I don't know about Germany, but in America this would mean that you wanted to have sex. So when you put a brake on his efforts to escalate because you were in a "bad mood", he figured that you were a tease. Next time, if you feel tired and in a bad mood, don't invite a guy over. Well, I've had guys sleep over at my place/slept over at theirs many times (with pretty much every guy who became a BF) before sleeping with a guy. It does not mean that if the guy is into a relationship with you. However, I think your point stands to a degree because: this wasn't really a date at all. This was basically a booty call with no booty. A guy who really likes you doesn't text you at 10:30am when he barely knows you, asking what you're doing. That's a guy who wants to have sex with you. And having a guy pick you up from a party and take you back to your place is not a date. At any rate, it sounds like things were already going "not smoothly" (sex or no sex) and that'll make any man not exactly thrilled to go out again. I agree you should've gotten a "Not interested" text back out of courtesy, but you didn't, c'est a live, move along. A man who is into you will take you out on real dates (dutch in Germany, I assume, but he'll still want to see you when it isn't late and you haven't been out drinking already) and be communicative and awesome and all that jazz. This guy isn't into you. He might have been into having sex with you, but as you weren't into that, he's moved along.
Author morethanconfused Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Makes perfectly sense. Thanks for lighten me up. Sometimes it just needs the sledgehammer method from a stranger to see things more clearly.
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