i miss my girlfriend.

[birdwatcher]

hello.

 

you may find this post to be very long, but it is simply a long story and i need to explain as much of it as possible in order to garner the best responses. please understand that i am aware that i have done a terrible thing in my relationship and i am upset about what i have done and at this point reprimanding will probably not be helpful.

 

i met this girl online about three or four years ago. we had met on deviantart and were introduced through a club on there. she is a wonderful artist, absolutely splendid, and amazingly skilled (to vouch for that, she was accepted to cooper union, which boasts an extremely low acceptance rate). i was attracted to her personality because she was much different than anyone else in the club/chat that we all used. she was very polite, and well spoken. she seemed considerate and genuinely kind.

i started flirting with her. she was tentative, at first, and my friends from the chat would 'overhear' conversations while i was gone about how she wasn't actually interested (conversations between friends of hers) and she was just too nice to tell me off. that seemed to pass, though, because we spent more and more time in one on one conversations. i never doubted her feelings for me even if i wondered about the veracity of her acquaintances who hated me deeply.

i asked her on occasion throughout our relationship if she thought it was strange to be dating an older man from another country, and she didn't. she was 16 at the time we met, and she didn't think that the four or five year age difference was significant at all.

i had started whimsically asking her to date me early on before i had even seen her. i asked for her picture on occasion and eventually she humoured me. she is gorgeous, absolutely the most beautiful girl i have ever seen in my life. we traded pictures and so on. they were only ever appropriate ones, mind you, no nudes or anything like that.

at any rate, we spent largely about three years and some months together. there had been times when she wondered if i was truthful with her about who i was. finally, around may 2011, she said that the doubt was too much and ended the relationship with me. she was kind in her words and said that i had hurt her. she removed all of her profiles online and severed all contact. i felt terrible. i was hurt. i missed her immediately and immediately started going through an undiagnosed period of depression, which involved many thoughts of suicide.

 

the truth of the matter is i'm not who she thought i was. i'm a girl of the same age. i had originally started an identity online to protect myself from creeps because i had had some weird experiences when i was younger with strange men and i didn't want to even allow that to happen again. i let it snowball out of control when i met this wonderful girl who was quiet and self-conscious and wanted to flatter her, too. i enjoyed my time with her so much and treasure every day i had spent with her, even if it hurt me every time i remembered she thought i was someone else.

 

i knew when she was graduating- which was about a month after she broke up with me- and flew to her state without her knowing. i attended her graduation and found her afterward. i gave her a card and a little stuffed animal, congratulating her. she gave me a hug without even knowing who i was. when i finally implied that i was 'that person,' she seemed sad but contained and told me that she missed me. i asked if she would write to me and she said yes; that she liked to listen before, and that she still liked to, now.

after that she sent me a message online (since i hadn't deactivated my online presence; she made an anonymous account to do so, basically) saying to give me her phone number and we would proceed from there. she mentioned in her message that i scared her a bit (with good reason, i know) and that she thought i was possibly crazy. it was hurtful, but i was so happy that she said she would write to me that i let it be. i posted my number for her.

 

it took her a couple weeks to call, two weeks during which i wondered if she decided not to and that i was a poor investment. it was another bout of low moods that ruined my productivity at work and made me too sad to do anything constantly. she finally called as i was getting off of work one day. she called from a private number. i said that i was driving and didn't want to be on the phone at the same time and asked if she could call me back in about a half of an hour.

about two hours later she called again. this time there was an awful buzzing coming from the phone and so i couldn't hear her well. i tried my best. she asked me some things, such as 'why did you do it' and 'why did you come to my graduation,' which i did my best to answer: that i had never been of malicious intention, and it had started as something protective that i lost control over; that i had always wanted to see her, and that i was happy to see her graduate, and meet her, and so on... that there was no ulterior motive or anything.

at that point, though, the buzzing was too much and it was awful to try and hear her. i asked if she would call me back in a few minutes while i tried to fix the problem on my phone, assuming it was an app i had recently downloaded or something. i tried, and she called back, but it was still buzzing. tried again, she called back again, same thing. this was a very embarrassing process and when i attempted to hear her this third time the call either disconnected or she hung up because of the trouble. i posted a new number online, assuming she was looking at it. that one was for my landline. she called that one, then, and talked to me through there, but the buzzing continued and so it must have been on her side.

 

i did my best to hear her but couldn't very well with that buzzing. she asked when i had planned to tell her and if i planned on telling anyone else, since she wasn't the only person i spoke with online. she said that everyone deserved truth and that it was a basic human right. i said that she was right, because she did always tend to be right in past occasions. she reaffirmed that she hadn't called to be told that.

 

then she told me that she thought it was best that we didn't keep in touch.

 

i was immediately crushed and asked her not to make such a decision so swiftly. maybe, like the breakup, she had taken those two weeks prior to think about it and settle it with herself, but i was shocked that she would tell me that she would write to me and then tell me now 'i hate to go back on my word, but i think that it's best...'

i asked her to just give me a chance, even if i didn't deserve one. she pointed out that she didn't know anything about me except for my first name and some phone numbers and that i lied to her for a long time.

i tried to defend myself in saying that no one could act like someone else for so long, and that she did in part know me even if she didn't know my history or my age. i had shown her what i looked like by meeting her in person, which i had hoped would have been the purest form of honesty to prove to her i could be good.

she said that i should learn from this and that she was sorry. after apologising, she hung up on me. i was hurt and crushed. the terrible sadness carried on for a week after at least. after that point, i started feeling better and was able to function properly around my friends. a couple weeks of good behavior went by with less and less pain. now i'm in pain all over again.

 

i miss her so much. it isn't as if i want her to carry on some romantic relationship with me. i'm not a lesbian and i don't want that, even if those feelings have carried over a bit. i care for her deeply and want to keep in touch and be able to say, 'how are you' some days. i see things that we used to talk about and share with each other and wish i was dead because i no longer share them with her. these are simple and recurring things that i can't avoid like the stars because i adore space and she was the only person who liked to talk with me about it. i have trouble even looking at numbers because she thought it was so quirky of me to like maths as much as i do that she would draw me little math-related pictures and so on. she loves birds, especially sparrows, and hordes upon hordes of sparrows just surround my office building. i see them going in and out. i can't avoid them. i like birds, too, so i don't want to, but these break my heart. all of this and everything breaks my heart, now.

 

i don't know what to do or if i'm such a horrible person that i should just be dead. i don't think that i have the strength to do anything anymore. i carry on as normal a lifestyle i can manage. i go to the gym every day and i am preparing to go to university, but i don't know how long i can manage because nothing has ever been so important to me. i don't even know who to talk to or ask. i've told a couple friends about it in person and one was helpful at first but then i think i started bothering her with how sad i was. the other one i'm worried just thinks i did something really pathetic. i told everyone i talk to online about how i lied and that i am sorry. i am lucky enough that no one else, yet, has severed relationships, but i haven't told everyone i've been meaning to because some people i used to talk to don't come online as much anymore, so i may not be this 'lucky' for long.

 

i've never wished so deeply for something: that i had died when we were both happiest, that i could be that person i pretended to be so she didn't have to feel like it was wrong to form relationships, that i could just keep in touch with her. i've never loved someone or something so much. please help me, please.

[madjac74]

I can understand exactly how you feel about this person and how much it hurts to not share with them everyday when you have done it for so long. I can understand how she feels by being betrayed for so long and its more proof why online relationships are not real until you actually meet the person.

 

You certainly already know what you did is wrong and don't need to be reprimanded but I don't understand how you could pull it off for over three years without realizing it was wrong way before that. She saw through your dishonesty and ended it, otherwise who knows how long you would have continued to maintain this facade.

 

Three years of dishonesty is a lot to overcome. If she is strong enough maybe she will come around. Just give her space and hope for the best.

[birdwatcher]

thank you for your response.

 

i most definitely realised what i was doing was wrong way before that. there is a point, i think, where all internet relationships are whimsical (when they begin and you are barely acquainted) and people don't commit or invest. it is simply too easy to lie on the internet and people who are even 'mostly honest' still do it through exaggerating in their stories and similar things. i am a very, very extreme example of what can happen, although i know as well i'm still not the worst case because i am not out to hurt anyone, or be a creep, etc.

at the point when it mattered that i was lying i was very scared of hurting her and making her revert in her nature. i met her as a very timid person who was self conscious and a little sycophantic and gradually helped her 'come out of her shell'. what i had hoped to do was somehow convince her to break up with me of her own accord so she would not become distrustful of people. i didn't want to break up with her on my own because i didn't want her to think there was anything wrong with her when she's perfect.

 

do you think that it is at all reasonable for me to contact her, eventually? i do have her contact information and also know better than to do it right now when it's so soon, but she didn't ever quite let me say 'my peace' as in tell her anything or even everything that i gathered in my mind as things i wanted to tell her. she only asked me those few questions, apologised and hung up.

[madjac74]

So you started with a web of lies not realizing that you would end up adoring this person and felt that you had reached a point of no return where you didnt know whether telling her the truth would do more damage than good?

 

I know its hard sometimes believe me, but the truth is always the best course of action. Even if you lose this person forever, if you care about her then she deserves the truth. You did the right thing eventually.

 

How long has it been since you talked to her? I would say an email would be acceptable and let her take it from there.

[birdwatcher]

yes, that's basically it. i know how easy it is to find out about people from the internet just from them saying basic things that they don't think give away their location, age, etc... so i felt it was easier to avoid people finding out about me if i just redirected where they thought i would be by answering with lies. i know better, now. i'm a terrible liar in person and could never have done this in the physical world. after a point it was just whether or not it would be more hurtful for her to know or for her to just leave and never know. trust me though, i think honesty is the best policy and will proceed with that mantra from now on.

 

i still wonder whether or not i did the right thing in visiting her and telling her the truth. up until the last second of being with her online i acted like that man i had pretended to be because i had no idea what else to even do. she said in her phone call with me though (as i mentioned before) that everyone deserves truth and i only hope that she means that and isn't just saying it.

 

i suspect that if i had been in her position despite doubting my significant other on occasion i probably would have just let the illusion be. she did send me a note from an anonymous account before i had met her in person saying that 'whether it was real or fake, it was worth it because we did have a good time together,' but after her saying 'i hate to go back on my word' bit, i'm afraid that now she's gone back on that, too, and is thinking it wasn't worth it, etc. i even worry from time to time whether or not she threw away those tiny graduation presents even though i pointed out i came all that way just to give her those small things.

 

she called me around the first week of july. i met her on the 21st of june. she stopped chatting with me around may 17-19th. i don't have her e-mail address (which i think is strange, too, after knowing her so long), only her phone number and address.

[Lucky_One]

I will be honest here. If I were her, I would be petrified that you were some absolutely weirdo freak.

 

You were her "boyfriend" - that is clearly romantic; you flirted and you were dating. You can say that you have no lesbian tendencies, but if you started off flirting with her, then you were attracted to her and you knew she was a girl.

 

She was understandably freaked out - both by the realization that you are a woman of the same age and that you flew to see her at her graduation without telling her you were coming. If my son had an online GF who turned out to be a man and who flew uninvited to his graduation and hugged him without telling him who he was, I would call the cops immediately.

 

My advice would be to leave her alone. For her peace of mind, and for your legal safety. If you contact her, she very well may take this to her parents or to court for an order of protection, and I wouldn't blame her one bit.

[birdwatcher]

thank you for your response, lucky_one, and thank you for being frank with me, as well.

 

i was attracted to her for entirely platonic reasons. i do think that she is attractive but would not consider myself attracted to her. i don't think it has anything to do with being a lesbian or not if i didn't want to sleep with her or anything like that. you may be right, though, because i have clearly been wrong in my decisions before.

 

i also find it understandable that she is freaked out because despite the circumstances and as it may appear i am a logical person. i suppose sometimes my own point of view clouds what i know she must be limited to seeing from her point of view. in my defense, i didn't hug her, approach her for a hug, or anything like that- she entirely approached me in a manner of overt friendliness and said 'even though i don't know who you are i'm going to give you a hug'.

 

leaving her alone does seem like a reasonable thing to do. you are right. i suppose that i have been keeping myself afloat by idealistically reassuring myself that maybe one day i could talk to her and clarify absolutely anything and everything and at that point if she was done with me there would be no point in pursuing it further; perhaps i have been under the impression that because i have left so much unsaid that i had meant to tell her, maybe it mattered. it doesn't, does it?

 

i am very sorry for what i did, and i wish i could have avoided ever hurting her and somehow still known her, but as you seemed to imply, that is unrealistic and unreasonable. it is this same reality that depresses and scares me.

[HeavenOrHell]

You're clearly feeling remorseful for deceiving her about your identity. You sound quite obsessive, which isn't healthy, I would have been shocked/freaked out at your turning up and not being who you said you were. I wouldn't contact her, she won't be able to trust you again, you weren't who you said you were for all that time, there won't be any trust there now. No friendship or r/ship can be built on lies

I don't mean to offend, but are you having counselling/therapy? It might be a good idea, to work out why you did this and to help with your depression, it sounds like you need support.

[birdwatcher]

thank you for your response, heavenorhell.

 

i guess this would sound obsessive. i don't think that i am because i (usually) continue day to day life just fine and then occasionally have very low points in reaction to the relationship ending. i may just be trying to rationalise myself, though, and not self aware enough to register this in my mind as obsession. i have turned it over in my mind and wondered if i am some kind of psychopath or creep just because i could only ever expect someone who would do something like i did to be someone like that, but i can never figure out if i'm 'going too easy on myself' or 'being my toughest critic'. the friends i met online that i keep in touch with despite having lied to them for so long and formed good relationships with have told me that i did a bad thing yet that they could treat it with that 'everyone makes mistakes' mentality. a couple of them i still talk to every day, at least as of right now. sometimes i feel a little uncomfortable in my own skin randomly, but i am under the impression that i feel much better after clearing up that disgusting lie with these people i had substantial relationships with.

 

it does sound right, sadly, that i couldn't build a relationship on lies. i did learn that, after all this time, even if nothing else. somehow i just wish for another chance, but that isn't really reasonable at all. i wonder sometimes if i will get over it with enough time (don't most people wonder?) and then be able to speak on it more objectively.

 

thanks for the suggestion. it doesn't offend me because i'm trying to overcome the stigma that comes with going to counselling and/or therapy. i think that it could be a good idea, but i have also read about some people who have had bad experiences. i have no idea how to find a good one and so i am a bit scared and do not know where to start.

Edited July 22, 2011 by birdwatcher

[Ross MwcFan]

I can understand how this is disturbing for her and that she doesn't want to talk to you anymore.

 

As soon as you started talknig to her, you should've explained that you are a girl and that you were pretending to be a guy so you wouldn't get creeps bothering you.

 

Also, flying to her graduation and giving her those gifts, without her knowing who you were, after she had stopped contact with you, was creepy, and not the right thing to do.

 

I do have a lot of sympathy for you though, I felt quite sad when I was reading about you talking about the birds and stuff and how heart broken you feel.

 

The best thing to do, is to just leave her alone. By trying to contact her again, you're only just probably going to annoy her.

 

What I don't understand, is that you say you aren't a lesbian, yet you flirted with her, and it sounds like you love her (romantically) or have really strong feelings for her.

 

I'm sorry things have gone wrong for you, but as time passes, things will get easier. And hopefully you will have learned from this.

 

When you start to feel better, why not try joining a dating site and meeting some guys?

 

I second getting therapy, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Best of luck.

[HeavenOrHell]

How are you doing?

[Winterly]

Hello, how are you going today? Hope you are all the best.

[truguy]

Hi Birdwatcher....Everyone goes through feelings and emotions like this...There is absolutely no wrong how u felt for her.I guess ur childhood days were lonely and made u longing for love.She must have been very healing to your problems that made u think that if she could really live a happy life.At the same time u must respect her feelings.You made a mistake for which u felt sorry and proved her there is nothing u did to harm her.She would understand you and come back to you.Do not worry just carry on with your life.keep yourself busy all the time.May be you can volunteer yourself to be part of any NOT FOR PROFIT organization/NGO.I know it is difficult but somehow life has to move on.Never keep your feelings within you coz it multiplies.It's good you shared here in the forum.Plese come back and tell us how u do.