simpsonic Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I truly don’t. I recently left a guy I had dated for five months because I wanted a committed, exclusive relationship and he didn’t. Practically every guy I have dated was like this. Everything would start out like a fairytale, then eventually they would become emotionally unavailable and finally tell me that they weren’t looking for the same thing I was. A few of them just disappeared altogether, leaving me hanging. My family and friends aren’t exactly the best examples either. My parents have been married for almost 33 years, but my dad has cheated on my mom many times and each time my mom tried to leave. But she never left because she confessed to me that she felt she wasn’t capable of living on her own (she left the workforce when I was a baby and hasn’t gone back since). From this I learned to never be dependent on a man; while my mom married young, I have spent most of my 20s traveling and having fun, and bought my first home. My grandparents divorced because my grandpa had a few affairs himself. My brother has told me that because of what our parents and grandparents have gone through, he has lost faith in love and never wants to get married or have children. As for my friends, one of my best friends was in an LTR and they looked like they got it made…they looked like a great fit for each other and talked about getting married. But when he got a teaching job overseas, he became emotionally unavailable himself…over time he contacted her less and less, and one day my friend saw that he changed his status to Single on Facebook. Needless to say she was completely distraught. And I’m good friends with two other people who used to be a married couple. They also looked like they had it made, then one day the husband announced to the wife out of the blue that he didn’t love her anymore and wanted a divorce. All of my other married friends also divorced because of infidelity. Back to my tendency to be independent: Because I’m so independent, I feel like if I enter a long-term, committed relationship that I will feel smothered. I fear that I will lose a part of myself, as my mom is completely dependent on my dad and hasn’t really established her own identity. Looking back, most of my relationships were long-distance, which allowed me to have a relationship and maintain my independent life. The ones that were local were the ones where I felt smothered. Does this mean I actually don’t have the ability to commit either? That I’m emotionally unavailable myself? Also, I tend to be really insecure. Because of what I witnessed from my family and friends, I fear that whoever I date next will also cheat on me. Even if things were good I'd always be afraid that he would leave me for something better (aka "The Grass is Greener Syndrome," something I read about in another thread) Can anyone in here relate?
Enchanted Girl Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 You can't have a healthy relationship without risking a part of yourself in the process. Trust involves the risk of someone betraying you. Falling in love involves the risk of suffering pain if you are left by the person. Being kind to a partner involves the risk of being taken advantage of. And we all get hurt in the process sometimes, but that's okay because we can move on and learn from our bad experiences. Being hurt is awful, but you shouldn't fear it because it can't destroy you if you're a strong person. It just makes you that much stronger. What your Mother did wrong is not falling in love. It's staying with someone who regularly cheats on her and not having a way out. Don't get the two confused. It's perfectly normal and healthy to fall in love, but not healthy to be cheated on regularly in a relationship and to still put up with it. I fell in love with a man for five years whole heartedly. He became emotionally uninvested in me over time as well, wanting an open relationship and to be with other girls and pushing me away and ignoring me all the time. It hurt really badly, BUT I don't regret a second of it. I learned so much from the experience and I'm a stronger person now. It hurt very badly when he broke up with me, I went into a DEEP depression, but I'm glad I went through all of it. It was worth it to me. It helped me realize what I want out of a relationship, realize that more than one guy in the world could fall in love with me (so I didn't need to be so clingy), helped me realize how strong I was, and I was better prepared after falling in love once to be a good girlfriend for my current boyfriend. By protecting yourself from being hurt, you're actually preventing yourself from ever having that thing that you want the most.
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