Is this normal?

[iris219]

There has been NO ONE, not one man (other than my most recent ex) who I’ve felt anything for in years. There has been a couple flutterings of lust (which faded quickly), a recent incident motivated by ego (how dare you not be completely into me), some “you’re nice, but not for me,” and some men who were entirely unsuitable for a relationship with anything--pets included. I have no "one who got away" because I haven't met anyone I've wanted.

 

I know people who are single because things haven’t worked out for them, but they’ve all had several people with whom they desired a relationship with, and in some cases attempted to have a relationship. I haven’t had this desire at all. I haven't met anyone I’d want a relationship with. Is this normal? Can anyone relate to my experiences?

 

How many of you can say you haven't met anyone you'd want to be in a relationship with in years?

[thatone]

I have no "one who got away" because I haven't met anyone I've wanted.

 

 

ever?

 

if the answer to that is yes, i would consider it some sort of deeper issue (or just stereotypical female obsession with princess/prince fantasy in your 20s that so many women have, lol).

 

if the answer is no, just a bad string of luck. the ones that got away in my younger years are the ones that motivate me now, but that's a fairly logical male thing i guess. if the ones who got away were out there then, by reason, there are more like that out there now i just have to find one (actually kinda thinking i may have found one, last couple weeks with the most recent one are going incredibly well).

[iris219]

ever?

 

if the answer to that is yes, i would consider it some sort of deeper issue (or just stereotypical female obsession with princess/prince fantasy in your 20s that so many women have, lol).

 

if the answer is no, just a bad string of luck. the ones that got away in my younger years are the ones that motivate me now, but that's a fairly logical male thing i guess. if the ones who got away were out there then, by reason, there are more like that out there now i just have to find one (actually kinda thinking i may have found one, last couple weeks with the most recent one are going incredibly well).

 

Congrats on your current relationship!

 

No, there is no one I wish I had stayed with or wish I had started a relationship with. Ten years ago, I had a LD relationship for a year with someone who might fit this category, except now I see how wrong he was for me and can’t understand why I liked him so much (he was much older, very religious, and we had nothing in common.)

 

Most of the relationships I’ve had and the dating I’ve done, I’ve forced myself into because I know I don’t meet men I feel anything for.

 

My situation is probably not common, huh?

[EasyHeart]

No, I'd have to say that's not a very common situation, assuming you're not living like a hermit and are actually meeting people.

 

Is it that you're not meeting men or that you don't like the men you're meeting?

[iris219]

No, I'd have to say that's not a very common situation, assuming you're not living like a hermit and are actually meeting people.

 

Is it that you're not meeting men or that you don't like the men you're meeting?

 

Both, in answer to the 2nd question, if that's possible.

 

I’m definitely not a hermit. I have a very active social life; however, I rarely meet suitable men. More often than not they’re way too young, way too old, have no job, are alcoholics, etc. I typically meet (or attract) undesirables.

 

I have a double date this Saturday with a friend, her BF, and one of their friends who they thought I should meet, and who seems perfectly normal. I’ve gotten to the point where I hope the guy doesn’t like me because there’s a 99% chance I’m not going to like him, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

[zengirl]

Both, in answer to the 2nd question, if that's possible.

 

I’m definitely not a hermit. I have a very active social life; however, I rarely meet suitable men. More often than not they’re way too young, way too old, have no job, are alcoholics, etc. I typically meet (or attract) undesirables.

 

I have a double date this Saturday with a friend, her BF, and one of their friends who they thought I should meet, and who seems perfectly normal. I’ve gotten to the point where I hope the guy doesn’t like me because there’s a 99% chance I’m not going to like him, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

 

Well, thinking about how you never like men is only going to lead to more not liking men----it's where you're putting your mental energy and impacting your state of mind, after all.

 

I'm "picky" I guess. I don't consider most men I meet suitable romantic prospects (I don't know if most people do but I'm definitely not the "I'll give him a chance" girl among my friends) so I get that idea. But even those who aren't suitable, I can find some things I like about them to keep me optimistic. Like, "Oh, well he's cute" or "He's got a great job" or "He's so sweet" or whatever. Doesn't mean I want to date them, but it helps me stay positive. And usually works out for me.

 

So go into the date looking for his good properties---I'm not saying bend over backwards to make yourself dig the guy romantically, but don't get all bummed if you don't and still take a positive look---is my advice. Don't worry about the ramifications of not liking him. People will live even if you don't see them as a romantic partner, really; it's not a terrible thing or anything to feel guilty over unless you string the guy along or act like a bitch, which I'm sure you won't do.

 

It sounds like what you're missing is just the general positive flow, and getting in a more positive mindset might help. Difficult when you're having negative experiences and meeting the crazies, I know, but worth doing nonetheless.

[Sebstian]

Maybe you're just not into men... ever considered trying to be with woman? Seriously!

[iris219]

I do need a more positive mindset. I just haven't met anyone I can get excited about going on a date with. It's so hard to go in with a positive attitude when you only agreed to go out with someone based on a lack of options.

 

I will actually give anyone who seems halfway normal a chance even if I’m not attracted to them because in the past I’d only go out with guys I was immediately physically attracted to. Neither of these methods have worked.

 

I like to think I project a positive attitude on dates (I'm typically a lot of fun to be around), but I’m not sure. One of the last guys I went out with thought I hated him, even though I was trying really hard to make it appear otherwise. And I didn’t hate him at all. I just didn’t think he was right for me.

 

I'm starting to feel sorry for anyone who asks me out.

[zengirl]

I suggest not seeing the blind date as a date, but just treating it as a "meet." Worst comes to worst, you hang out with your friends, meet someone new, and have a fun night despite the lack of chemistry. Just take all the pressure off. Let it be.

 

I will actually give anyone who seems halfway normal a chance even if I’m not attracted to them because in the past I’d only go out with guys I was immediately physically attracted to. Neither of these methods have worked.

 

I'll only really go out with guys I'm drawn to, but I'll have social experiences --- meet guys, have a first date, whatever -- with guys I'm not into. I'll be totally honest about realizing I'm not into them -- so I gave them a chance, but I didn't "force" myself to "give them a chance" once I knew I didn't want to which I think just becomes disheartening and hurtful and puts you in this mindset of failure. I actually find I discover most of my LTRs after I stop the flurry of dating everyone --- which I usually do right after a relationship ends --- and just sit still for awhile, waiting for a really quality guy to come around. But that's just me. And I never do it in a "limiting" way or stop seeing the good qualities in even men I wouldn't really date.

[Imajerk17]

I think it is more common than people think. I've seen a bunch of the same women on Match for a long time. Women who are at least "reasonably" cute and who are getting their share of responses. Surely they are meeting their share of guys. How come these women haven't yet found someone they want to date a while?

 

What you and these women probably don't get though, is that Mr Right isn't necessarily going to wow you on the first meet. In fact, chances are he is just going to come across as a nice guy with his life more or less in order. You probably could have an amazing relationship if you would stop worshiping at the alter of "Instant Chemistry" and go on second dates with these guys.

Edited July 21, 2011 by Imajerk17

[somedude81]

Hmm, on the surface you seem very similar to the girl I'm interested in.

 

She's 21 and never had a boyfriend. She's not gay, but never really been interested in anybody. She may be asexual which doesn't seem like you are.

 

When you said, "Most of the relationships I’ve had and the dating I’ve done, I’ve forced myself into because I know I don’t meet men I feel anything for" what do you mean? How did you force yourself into a relationship?

[thatone]

Congrats on your current relationship!

 

No, there is no one I wish I had stayed with or wish I had started a relationship with. Ten years ago, I had a LD relationship for a year with someone who might fit this category, except now I see how wrong he was for me and can’t understand why I liked him so much (he was much older, very religious, and we had nothing in common.)

 

Most of the relationships I’ve had and the dating I’ve done, I’ve forced myself into because I know I don’t meet men I feel anything for.

 

My situation is probably not common, huh?

 

thanks, i'm really not able to find anything wrong with her so far. plus i know her family (our fathers went to college together) so that's a positive as well.

 

and yeah, i think your situation is a bit strange.

 

i went through long periods of time not wanting to be tied down to anyone but even then there were women i was attracted to, just not willing to commit long term to.

 

to not be attracted to ANYONE you meet i think, is some sort of other issue.

Edited July 21, 2011 by thatone

[iris219]

Hmm, on the surface you seem very similar to the girl I'm interested in.

 

She's 21 and never had a boyfriend. She's not gay, but never really been interested in anybody. She may be asexual which doesn't seem like you are.

 

When you said, "Most of the relationships I’ve had and the dating I’ve done, I’ve forced myself into because I know I don’t meet men I feel anything for" what do you mean? How did you force yourself into a relationship?

 

I don't think I'm like your girl. I hug my male friends frequently and I'm comfortable with physical intimacy. I know your friend is weird about this.

 

I have tried in the past to convince myself that because a guy was nice, intelligent, attractive, etc (fill in with positive adjectives of your choice), that I should like him more than what I did. Usually nothing came of it because I’m a bad actress, but a few times when I was attracted enough physically, I was able to sleep with the guy if I attempted to convince myself I actually liked him. This made me feel better about sleeping with guys I knew I didn’t really have deep emotional feelings for or connection to.

 

 

I'll only really go out with guys I'm drawn to,

 

That's the problem for me. I'm not really ever drawn to anyone.

 

 

to not be attracted to ANYONE you meet i think, is some sort of other issue.

 

I can be physically/sexually attracted to a man. Once I get to know him this usually fades.

 

Is it looking like I need therapy?

 

I think it is more common than people think. I've seen a bunch of the same women on Match for a long time. Women who are at least "reasonably" cute and who are getting their share of responses. Surely they are meeting their share of guys. How come these women haven't yet found someone they want to date a while?

 

Hmm...interesting. I wonder if some people have a harder time finding compatible people. I have friends who go from relationship to relationship--they seem compatible with anyone (though these relationships don't last).

 

I, other the other hand, feel like you could line up 100 perfectly acceptable men and I would not be compatible with any of them (or I wouldn't be attracted to them).

[somedude81]

I have tried in the past to convince myself that because a guy was nice, intelligent, attractive, etc (fill in with positive adjectives of your choice), that I should like him more than what I did. Usually nothing came of it because I’m a bad actress, but a few times when I was attracted enough physically, I was able to sleep with the guy if I attempted to convince myself I actually liked him. This made me feel better about sleeping with guys I knew I didn’t really have deep emotional feelings for or connection to.

Nothing came out of it because you were a bad actress? Who were you trying to fool and why?

 

Also how did it feel sleeping with guys you didn't have a deep connection to? Was it all based on how attracted you were to them?

 

I'm curious as to why your attraction to a man fades after you get to know him. Is it because reality isn't matching fantasy?

[thatone]

 

 

 

I can be physically/sexually attracted to a man. Once I get to know him this usually fades.

 

Is it looking like I need therapy?

 

 

what qualities are you attracted to? do you even know what you're looking for? it seems to me that a lot of women don't.

 

as a man, i can rattle off a specific list of attractive things about women, physical and mental, in a couple of minutes. there's a pretty clear list of things i'm looking for, so it's just a matter of finding (most) of them, prioritizing them, and considering the women i meet based on that. it's all pretty logical.

 

my list off the top of my head..

 

physically:

 

a) not too thin or too heavy, i like 'average', the girl-next-door type

b) natural, i can't get too excited about botox lips, fake boobs, tanning bed tan, etc.

c) taller, darker hair, i'm not really big on short petite blondes

 

intellectually:

 

a) polite, quiet, reserved, because i'm the same way. i'm not gonna chase after the loudest girl in a bar, more the quiet one in the corner at the bookstore

b) confident enough to say what she thinks and what she wants, i don't like reluctance and indecision, even if it isn't what i want to hear, i want to hear it. i find that with submissive women, we tend to bore each other. i'm pretty easy going and will do what others want to do, rather than demand that my activities and interests be satisfied.

c) well spoken, educated, classy. i can't do redneck accents, the worst thing a woman can say to me is "i don't get it", and a person who can't carry themselves well in a formal setting i can't take to some of the places i go.

 

i typed all of the above in about 3 minutes, and anyone who meets most of those criteria is a good prospect to me. appearance is less of a deal breaker than the intellectual points, so that's my priority, within reason.

Edited July 22, 2011 by thatone

[iris219]

Also how did it feel sleeping with guys you didn't have a deep connection to? Was it all based on how attracted you were to them?

 

I'm curious as to why your attraction to a man fades after you get to know him. Is it because reality isn't matching fantasy?

 

It felt fine, until they wanted more or until I realized how little I actually liked them. If I waited until I loved someone to have sex, I might still be a virgin! I was reasonably attracted to them, not highly attracted.

 

I've had relationships and I rarely have casual sex, so I don't make a habit out of sleeping with people I don't like. I've decided to not do this at all anymore, which is why I haven't had sex since Nov. I just don't have the energy to sleep with someone I think is so-so anymore, and I haven't met anyone I've wanted to sleep with. I slept with my ex in Nov, by the way, so it wasn't someone random.

 

The attraction fades because it was never really there (I guess).

[thatone]

i think the older guy can be disregarded, based on my assumptions/stereotypes alone for whatever that's worth.

 

she has posted that she's in her early 30s if i remember correctly? so an older guy and a 21/22 year old, meh, that's not really applicable and she said they had little in common. she was attracted to the older guy because he was more confident and experienced than men her own age, the same reason all young women who date older men are attracted to such men.

 

 

Finally, what did your parents do that made you feel loved? Not to get too psychoanalytic about it -- this is a practical concern. For instance, my mom was ceaseless in her physical affection, and now I find myself very physically and playfully affectionate in relationships, by instinct. It's like affection autopilot, and it turns on for people who have somehow unlocked that side of me.

 

I'm wondering if there's some kind of "language" that you haven't heard in a while, or ever, that you need to hear in order to feel something. For example, my combination of sarcastic humor and affectionate touching and kissing (a constant, overbearing bombardment of both ) is probably not what most people would want, but it makes me feel comfortable and loved -- therefore, it's important to me that I find someone who can dish out and take both of those things. Looking back at all my past relationships, I find that this is something they've all shared in common.

 

i think you could be on to something with that.

Edited July 22, 2011 by thatone

[iris219]

Physically, can you say there's a type you're attracted to? Even if it's not strongly, you can say "I prefer X over Y"? Maybe give celebrity examples.

 

Emotionally, do you have an example of a past relationship of yours that you felt was "right" at any moment?

 

EDIT: I just realized I hadn't seen this post. Well, building on this: you can't understand why, because on paper it doesn't match up. Try to recall some fond moments, where you felt good about him and being with him. What was happening, both in your lives in general, and during the moment itself? What were you doing together?

 

Finally, what did your parents do that made you feel loved? Not to get too psychoanalytic about it -- this is a practical concern. For instance, my mom was ceaseless in her physical affection, and now I find myself very physically and playfully affectionate in relationships, by instinct. It's like affection autopilot, and it turns on for people who have somehow unlocked that side of me.

 

I'm wondering if there's some kind of "language" that you haven't heard in a while, or ever, that you need to hear in order to feel something. For example, my combination of sarcastic humor and affectionate touching and kissing (a constant, overbearing bombardment of both ) is probably not what most people would want, but it makes me feel comfortable and loved -- therefore, it's important to me that I find someone who can dish out and take both of those things. Looking back at all my past relationships, I find that this is something they've all shared in common.

 

Thanks, WLIC. You’re cheaper than therapy.

 

My upbringing was atypical, and in order to maintain an amicable relationship with my mother, I don’t think much about it.

 

I am the only child of a single parent who was mostly there physically, but not emotionally and there was no affection. I don’t remember touching my mother as child. She was less a mother and more a very clean roommate. In many ways, I raised myself. I had no rules, and no expectations; I didn’t have to ask permission. I made my own decisions (and teenagers, especially, make very bad decisions.)

 

My mother was not involved in my life. She didn’t know what I was doing in school and never asked. It didn’t matter if I made good grades or bad grades—it was all the same. She had no interest in what I was doing, and really no interest in anything. She didn’t really have friends and we rarely went anywhere (I think she may have had some social anxiety). I was never involved in activities that other children were (sports, dance, ect) and it took me a long time to realize I had interests because this was never encouraged. If I wasn’t at school, I wasn’t interacting with others. I had to socialize myself. I had to learn on my own how to interact with others and this took a long time of watching and mimicking what I saw around me. It took me longer than most to develop a personality and I don’t think I was really able to do so until I was able to leave home.

 

My mother isn't a bad person. She just didn't know how to parent. She trys to be a good mother now.

 

I have two “languages”:

 

--Excessive affection and appreciation. However, the signals I give would suggest otherwise. In order for someone to be comfortable with being very affectionate and open with me they would have to be insanely trusting (or just insane). I want something that it appears I would not be able to reciprocate (when actually, I can). When someone is transparent about their feelings for me, I open up, but I don’t make it easy for them to do this and most people have enough of a sense of self preservation not to do this with someone who it seems won’t want it.

 

--Extreme coldness. If a man seems colder and more on guard than I am, my walls come down and I become downright nurturing. I don’t think this has so much do with the challenge, but with the familiarity I sense. I can understand the desire to not let people in. Clearly, this is risky for me.

 

Can change your language or become more open to receiving it? I am perfectly "normal" with friends and in social sitautions, so that makes me think I can be different when it comes to relationships.

 

In answer to one of your questions, there has not been a moment where any relationship felt entirely right. When there were "right" moments, something still felt wrong.

[iris219]

Not even for a moment, was it ever "just right", just nice, for a moment?

 

How quiet are you, in social settings?

 

I’m not saying there weren’t good moments in past relationships—my last two relationships lasted 4 years. We had a lot of happy moments, but I knew the relationships themselves weren’t entirely “right.”

 

I have a hard time remembering details from past relationships without a lot of effort. I have some sort of self induced amnesia that has made moving on much easier. It would be helpful to think about the times I've felt truly loved. Unfortunately, I never completely felt this in my last relationship.

 

I’m not quiet at all. I’m not loud or attention seeking, but I’m friendly and genuine. Why do you ask?

[thatone]

Thanks, WLIC. You’re cheaper than therapy.

 

My upbringing was atypical, and in order to maintain an amicable relationship with my mother, I don’t think much about it.

 

I am the only child of a single parent who was mostly there physically, but not emotionally and there was no affection. I don’t remember touching my mother as child. She was less a mother and more a very clean roommate. In many ways, I raised myself. I had no rules, and no expectations; I didn’t have to ask permission. I made my own decisions (and teenagers, especially, make very bad decisions.)

 

My mother was not involved in my life. She didn’t know what I was doing in school and never asked. It didn’t matter if I made good grades or bad grades—it was all the same. She had no interest in what I was doing, and really no interest in anything. She didn’t really have friends and we rarely went anywhere (I think she may have had some social anxiety). I was never involved in activities that other children were (sports, dance, ect) and it took me a long time to realize I had interests because this was never encouraged. If I wasn’t at school, I wasn’t interacting with others. I had to socialize myself. I had to learn on my own how to interact with others and this took a long time of watching and mimicking what I saw around me. It took me longer than most to develop a personality and I don’t think I was really able to do so until I was able to leave home.

 

My mother isn't a bad person. She just didn't know how to parent. She trys to be a good mother now.

 

I have two “languages”:

 

--Excessive affection and appreciation. However, the signals I give would suggest otherwise. In order for someone to be comfortable with being very affectionate and open with me they would have to be insanely trusting (or just insane). I want something that it appears I would not be able to reciprocate (when actually, I can). When someone is transparent about their feelings for me, I open up, but I don’t make it easy for them to do this and most people have enough of a sense of self preservation not to do this with someone who it seems won’t want it.

 

--Extreme coldness. If a man seems colder and more on guard than I am, my walls come down and I become downright nurturing. I don’t think this has so much do with the challenge, but with the familiarity I sense. I can understand the desire to not let people in. Clearly, this is risky for me.

 

Can change your language or become more open to receiving it? I am perfectly "normal" with friends and in social sitautions, so that makes me think I can be different when it comes to relationships.

 

In answer to one of your questions, there has not been a moment where any relationship felt entirely right. When there were "right" moments, something still felt wrong.

 

ok, i'm gonna apologize for filling your thread with my crap, but wow, i could've typed all that. reading your post made a few light bulbs go off.

 

mine wasn't identical, but it was similar. my mother remarried when i was 11, and the stepfather was rather cold and unaffectionate towards us, but we weren't his kids so that was to be expected i guess. in her desire to support him (her notion of pleasing him by playing submissive) she became that way too.

 

i was an intellectual kid, and am for the most part a more intellectual adult. my brother was the opposite, he played every sport in high school and the stepfather being the same, the two of them got along better together and i pretty much did my own thing. when i went through those rebellious teenage years the stepfather didn't know how to handle it, so he pretty much just ignored whatever i did, and my mother wouldn't intervene because he didn't intervene. not that he was abusive, he isn't, and i really don't blame him for any problems i ran into then (we get along fine now), after all we weren't his responsibility. it was my mother who had that responsibility, and she didn't take it.

 

she was emulating the marriage her parents had (her father was controlling and domineering, and expected her mother to be submissive, so she was playing her mother's role because that's what she knew).

 

i, like you, don't carry a grudge for any of this, they are who they are. i still check in on my mother when my stepfather is away for work, he has to travel out of state quite a bit. and i see both of them on holidays, and get along with him better now than i did then since i developed some hobbies as an adult that he happens to share. i don't agree with many ways that they have about them, but i don't criticize them. i see no reason to start fights that you can't win something from, and there's nothing to gain by blaming them for any of this stuff.

 

i'm more like my father than my mother, and as i've grown older and realized that, relationships got easier (toward my late 20s i started to figure all this out). my father is somewhat controlling as well, but in the opposite way that my grandfather was. my father wants to control people with charm and wit, he's not loud or violent or any other such "bad" type of controlling. he sees relationships with people as if it's a game to make friends of people and get them to do what he wants of them. i tend to do the same.

 

applying that tendency to relationships with the opposite sex, in the past i have reacted as you do. if i didn't get affection, i saw it as a challenge to win her over, i become very open and affectionate. and yeah, it's risky.

 

to be honest, that made me think just now perhaps that's the reason why i thought i was more attracted to people who either weren't as attracted to me, or were simply less open and affectionate than i was. made for a lot more short term relationships than long term ones in my 20s, that's for sure.

 

the most recent one that seems to be going well so far is with the opposite type of person. she initiated the first kiss, she initiated emotional conversation first, not to sex yet but i have no doubt that she will initiate that as well since she basically spelled out her opinion on the pace that we're moving at so i'm sort of just going along for the ride here at the moment. on the other hand she goes out of her way to accommodate me in date activities and scheduling, and thanks me for things i do initiate that she likes, so i don't think she's unfamiliar with this course of action. i suspect she handles all of her relationships this way. she "keeps the score even" for lack of a better word, to make sure that she doesn't seem too demanding or controlling. we're similar in that she tends to be quiet until the ice is broken, but once i do so she opens up and talks at length. so that's my way of "contributing" at this point, i fish for things she wants to talk about and when she homes in on one and starts opening up, she lights up and is very appreciative of me bringing up the topic of conversation. the bottom line in all of that is a pretty comfortable beginning to a relationship, a lot more comfortable than i'm used to, having been attracted to women who were distant and cold in the past, that i was chasing for the sport of the chase.

 

how did i find her? i didn't, we were set up by our families who are friends, and started out on the phone before meeting in person. so i can't really say how i would have approached her, maybe it was the atypical first contact that got me past that first hurdle of attraction to the wrong type. since i traveled to meet her she has told me that she has been more agreeable to spending a lot of time together closer to that first date than she normally is, so maybe the atypical meeting changed her M.O. as well. either way it seems to be working for both of us up to this point.