realisticbound Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Just wondering.. Do any women in here ever initiate the conversation when online dating? If so, do you find the odds of response are similar to the way some men in here describe? I read that a lot of men don’t seem to get a high response rate. Also, do you find it tough or intimidating to be the aggressor?
Jessica45 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I almost never initiate, but the few times I have, I have not gotten a response. I do better putting someone on my favorites list. They then know I'm interested and can choose to initiate.
zengirl Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I write guys on dating sites. I wrote my current BF and my last exBF first on a dating site. Obviously, they both wrote me back. But I'd say about 60-70% of the guys I write, write me back consistently. Another few will write back once and then disappear. I'm pretty cute and I tend to write guys with high match %s so I think I get a decent response rate. I also don't write a huge amount of guys. Only the ones I really see some common ground with who are also cute. My roommate when she was on OKC got closer to the 20% return rate that I think a lot of guys complain about, but she's not the hottest girl in the room and wrote really good looking guys --- many of whom she had nothing in common with. Most of the guys I know who've done well on dating sites are not super-hot guys (they're nerdy and kinda cute) and they hardly ever write anyone. Girls write them. So I'm not the only girl who writes first out there. A few of my friends are on OKC and many will write first. I find that some people (particularly girls who never make the first move) misinterpret my writing someone --- for instance, I went on two dates with a guy from OKC who is now the BF of a good friend of mine and when they got together, she was worried I liked him (even though I'd already told him before they met that I was only interested in friendship with him -- he's a cool guy but we had no chemistry) because I wrote him first and she thought "you must really like a guy to write him first." To me, that's not true. I mean, I have to think the guy is cool or interesting and somewhat cute, but it's not a big deal. And mostly they turn out to be guys I'm not that into after a date or two.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I almost never initiate, but the few times I have, I have not gotten a response. I do better putting someone on my favorites list. They then know I'm interested and can choose to initiate. I always initiate and I haven't gotten a response since early March (and she deleted her profile shortly afterwards). I'm a guy, so the problem is on both sides of the gender divide. To the OP, only one girl has ever wrote to me first. She was in her mid-forties and we had nothing in common (in fact she didn't even have a picture) so I didn't write back. In my opinion online dating is a waste of time and effort and quite possibly will only make you more aggravated.
serial muse Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 When I was doing online dating, I found that if I cold-messaged a guy, my response rate was very low, similar to what guys on here describe getting. But as the other poster said, putting someone on my favorites list ended up getting more of a return, in that I guess the guy sensed an opening and would then message me, and we'd go from there. It's a curious dance we do.
ThsAmericanLife Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I don't post pictures in my profile, and actually tell the guys (in a nice way) that if I'm interested, I will email them first. I prefer not to have to swim through lots of emails or be challenged with the dilemma of whether to not respond or sending a nice rejection note. It doesn't feel aggressive to me at all to do it this way. My response rate is very, very high. That's because I only pick men who have a great deal in common with me. And that is without having any pictures posted. Yes, they do expect pictures before meeting me. I'm also very good at picking men who I know without a doubt are "in my league" looks wise. Sure, I've probably stretched just a little once or twice... but by then, they have usually been reeled in by my keen intellect and charming sense of humor Maybe once has a guy backed out of a meeting after seeing my pictures. Can't win 'em all.
Rinas Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I have initiated the conversations with those who I thought id be interested in, I also go replies back. There are women who are willing to be bold and make first moves too.
sm1tten Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I have initiated. My response rate was about 60%. None of them even made it to first date status, but I think it's because I noticed that when I sent the first message, we were likely to correspond back and forth for longer than if the guy sent the first message... and as such, I ended up going out with someone else and deciding to stick with that person. My last two relationships were both with men I met online, and in both cases they "winked" or "flirted" at me first and then I sent them a message, rather than winking back or whatever. To me that's low-level initiation but the funny thing about it was that both of these happened on the first day of my profile being up... maybe if I would have seen their profile first I would have made first contact... maybe not.
manders_01 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Absolutely! In fact, I sent out 5 emails yesterday, not one responded back. I have had guys respond back but I would say I have a low return rate. I don't feel like I write to super hunks but there have certainly been ones I've written that IRL would probably be considered out of my league. I also allow myself to email guys that might not be quite right for me. In both instances, I try to be open minded that those guys might not write me back. It's the ones that don't write back that on "paper" seem to be right up my alley that sting a bit but my best friend coined this my "Summer of Dating" so I keep pluggin' away!
Author realisticbound Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Absolutely! In fact, I sent out 5 emails yesterday, not one responded back. I have had guys respond back but I would say I have a low return rate. I don't feel like I write to super hunks but there have certainly been ones I've written that IRL would probably be considered out of my league. I also allow myself to email guys that might not be quite right for me. In both instances, I try to be open minded that those guys might not write me back. It's the ones that don't write back that on "paper" seem to be right up my alley that sting a bit but my best friend coined this my "Summer of Dating" so I keep pluggin' away! I love your optimism:) Good luck to you with your "Summer of Dating".
Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I have set up a basic profile at OKC and POF with no pictures. I've been adding guys I like to my favorites, and I've messaged a few and included a little info and a couple of pictures. I've heard back from almost all of them, except the nerdiest one, who I thought was MOST likely to respond, and definitely the best intellectual match for me. Most of them have wanted to get together, but I haven't taken that step yet. I did talk to one of them on the phone, but ruled him out for some issues. I've been pretty surprised by how many men have messaged me, even with a mostly blank profile. It will be interesting to see what happens when I actually fill out my profile and post some pictures. At that point, I will probably stop messaging guys for a while and see who comes to me.
tigressA Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 When I was online dating I wrote guys all the time. I got a roughly 85-90% response rate. Like Zengirl, I wrote guys I thought were cute who I also had a high match percentage with. Many of those exchanges turned into at least one date.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 The first time I tried online dating I was on EH. I really had no idea what I was doing and I found it very overwhelming so I didn't message anybody first. I did meet someone off of there who I dated for a little over a year, but it took about a million first and second dates to find anyone I was remotely interested in. The second round I tried match. Since that sight is more like a free for all it was just, if not more, overwhelming than EH. After quite a few "meh" to "OMG this is AWFUL!" first dates with men who wrote me first, I conducted my own search and found someone who seemed very compatible with me and sent him the first message. Five months later we are still together. It was a lot of emailing, like a previous poster mentioned. I was also the one to ask if we could meet up for the first time. After that I left matters in his hands. He is super nerdy and super hot.
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manders_01 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I love your optimism:) Good luck to you with your "Summer of Dating". Thanks! It's not always easy to stay optimistic but she reminds me regularly that it's all about getting out there, if one does work out, the next one may.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Since there are clearly women on here who claim that they often write guys first, how does a guy make his profile encouraging enough to get women to do so? I mean I've had my Okcupid profile for over a year and other than the one solitary first message I got (from someone 20 years older than me) I've never had a girl message me first...ever. Of course I've also had a less than 5% response rate too. Perhaps it's just my geographical location?
Enchanted Girl Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 90% replied to me, but only 20% turned into dates, I'd say. They'd usually just stop talking to me after awhile.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Since there are clearly women on here who claim that they often write guys first, how does a guy make his profile encouraging enough to get women to do so? I mean I've had my Okcupid profile for over a year and other than the one solitary first message I got (from someone 20 years older than me) I've never had a girl message me first...ever. Of course I've also had a less than 5% response rate too. Perhaps it's just my geographical location? I think if you said something like,"I admire girls who have the guts to contact me first" or some other forum of compliment to girls who might initiate that would help. If I was looking at a man's profile and thinking about messaging him, encouragement to do so, especially with reassurance that the man won't be disgusted by me messaging him even if he doesn't like me, would make me do it. Also, forgot to say in my last post, I actually initiated contact a lot. I don't like waiting around.
zengirl Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Since there are clearly women on here who claim that they often write guys first, how does a guy make his profile encouraging enough to get women to do so? I mean I've had my Okcupid profile for over a year and other than the one solitary first message I got (from someone 20 years older than me) I've never had a girl message me first...ever. Of course I've also had a less than 5% response rate too. Perhaps it's just my geographical location? On OKC, I was pretty likely to message any cute guy with an 90%+ compatibility rating if he was cute, and some in the 80% if I liked their profiles. I read all the public match questions and their explanations if they write them (few do, but some do). It's funny how few people have detailed profiles. The guys I was most interested in and mostly wrote definitely had more detailed profiles (all filled out, plenty of questions answered, an array of pictures in different social situations and such---not just the webcam shot that proves they're alive but a shot of them actually DOING stuff). The two guys who became BFs were 91% and 94% compatible, respectively (new BF is 94%) per OKC, and we had common interests. I don't think the guys I'd message are necessarily the guys everyone else would message. Though my current BF did get a lot of messages and responded to very little (he says, and his little "Responds Very Selectively" button was up) --- he happens to be a lot more traditionally cute than I usually go for (tall, dark, and handsome) so I have no trouble believing it. It likely had nothing to do with what he wrote or said for most girls who wrote him, and that's why he never wrote them back. But, in general, I do care a lot about what people say. I care a lot about spelling, grammar, and diction. I like guys who are playful in their profile without being too forced and jokey, guys who actually share their sincere interests and seem to have passions (that I can appreciate if not share -- for instance guys who were super passionate about rock climbing got demerits for it from me, but I have friends who might LOVE that, so that'll vary by girl; just be real), and guys who seemed relationship-oriented----you can tell this more from the questions than anything else. I don't think there's a magic bullet. It could be that the kind of girls that like you aren't (a) the kind of girls you like/write, (b) the kind of girls who write first, or © the kind of girls who try online dating. And geography impacts it as well. For instance, I find I tend to like the kind of guys who barely/rarely write anyone, so it's a good thing I write first. If I didn't, I'd never meet them!
zengirl Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I think if you said something like,"I admire girls who have the guts to contact me first" or some other forum of compliment to girls who might initiate that would help. If I was looking at a man's profile and thinking about messaging him, encouragement to do so, especially with reassurance that the man won't be disgusted by me messaging him even if he doesn't like me, would make me do it. Also, forgot to say in my last post, I actually initiated contact a lot. I don't like waiting around. Yes, a lot of the guys I've gotten anywhere with off of OKC (all of whom I contacted first) had this in their profile or some allusion to liking confident women or whatnot.
sm1tten Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I think it does matter where you are. I live in a large city, but my friend lives in a small city (he's a male) and his response rates are much lower... and the ones who initiate with him are usually a distance away. He's not unattractive or stupid, but he's a self-effacing geeky nice guy in an area where that's not the norm. I also think that how you answer the questions on these sites makes a difference. I didn't respond to or seek out anyone who put that they "definitely" wanted kids, for example, because I'm fairly certain that I don't. In my own profile, I put "unsure," which I'm sure turned some guys off. Even though I wasn't speaking in an absolute sense, if you know or think you know that you want children, my ambivalence in the opposite direction was probably a sign that we're not going to be compatible. There was no magic combination of words that inspired me to message. I looked for deal breakers and things in common, and whether I was attracted to the pictures. I did differentiate between winks and actual emails. Winks were usually sent to men I was attracted to and we shared some interests but it could go either way, or to guys that I was really mostly physically attracted to but thought could be a good time (not in that way haha). I sent somewhat generic emails to guys that I was more physically or intellectually attracted to but had profiles that didn't really allow me to ask questions - profiles that are too long, too detailed, or too specific. I sent more personalised emails to men that I felt certain that I would want to meet due to physical or intellectual attractiveness, who I felt like I could have conversations with prior to that meeting, and who didn't have any of my deal breakers.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 On OKC, I was pretty likely to message any cute guy with an 90%+ compatibility rating if he was cute, and some in the 80% if I liked their profiles. I read all the public match questions and their explanations if they write them (few do, but some do). It's funny how few people have detailed profiles. The guys I was most interested in and mostly wrote definitely had more detailed profiles (all filled out, plenty of questions answered, an array of pictures in different social situations and such---not just the webcam shot that proves they're alive but a shot of them actually DOING stuff). The two guys who became BFs were 91% and 94% compatible, respectively (new BF is 94%) per OKC, and we had common interests. I don't think the guys I'd message are necessarily the guys everyone else would message. Though my current BF did get a lot of messages and responded to very little (he says, and his little "Responds Very Selectively" button was up) --- he happens to be a lot more traditionally cute than I usually go for (tall, dark, and handsome) so I have no trouble believing it. It likely had nothing to do with what he wrote or said for most girls who wrote him, and that's why he never wrote them back. But, in general, I do care a lot about what people say. I care a lot about spelling, grammar, and diction. I like guys who are playful in their profile without being too forced and jokey, guys who actually share their sincere interests and seem to have passions (that I can appreciate if not share -- for instance guys who were super passionate about rock climbing got demerits for it from me, but I have friends who might LOVE that, so that'll vary by girl; just be real), and guys who seemed relationship-oriented----you can tell this more from the questions than anything else. I don't think there's a magic bullet. It could be that the kind of girls that like you aren't (a) the kind of girls you like/write, (b) the kind of girls who write first, or © the kind of girls who try online dating. And geography impacts it as well. For instance, I find I tend to like the kind of guys who barely/rarely write anyone, so it's a good thing I write first. If I didn't, I'd never meet them! Well I answered something like 115 questions on OKC (although the last one was probably months ago), and I've filled out every section (although I've edited several times), and all my grammar and spelling is correct, so I know it's not any of that. I suppose my pictures could be not as good as they should be (although I'm a poor judge of that) but they seem ok. Anyway, I'm not necessarily looking for a magic bullet that would make me irresistible to women, but I guess I'd like to figure out exactly how to make it work better for me. When I first tried online dating I figured I would write girls first and some (probably fewer number) would write me first, and then I could just sort things out. What I've found instead is that I'm doing all the writing and getting hardly any responses (and only two dates with one girl). I haven't written anyone in a few weeks because I kind of feel like there's not even a point to it anymore (in a way that's how I approach real life interactions with women but that's another story entirely). Anyway, I was just curious that's all.
zengirl Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 (edited) Well I answered something like 115 questions on OKC (although the last one was probably months ago), and I've filled out every section (although I've edited several times), and all my grammar and spelling is correct, so I know it's not any of that. I suppose my pictures could be not as good as they should be (although I'm a poor judge of that) but they seem ok. Anyway, I'm not necessarily looking for a magic bullet that would make me irresistible to women, but I guess I'd like to figure out exactly how to make it work better for me. When I first tried online dating I figured I would write girls first and some (probably fewer number) would write me first, and then I could just sort things out. What I've found instead is that I'm doing all the writing and getting hardly any responses (and only two dates with one girl). I haven't written anyone in a few weeks because I kind of feel like there's not even a point to it anymore (in a way that's how I approach real life interactions with women but that's another story entirely). Anyway, I was just curious that's all. How many girls are 90+% compatible with you when you Match Search? And how many are in the same general attractiveness range as you (roundabouts)? I would answer more questions. I was near 500 by the time I met my BF and he was over 500. More questions leads to better matching IME. 100 isn't really that many. . . you have to answer almost that many just to get profile completion. ETA: I would say when writing, definitely don't go overboard. Write a paragraph. Not just "hi" as that's idiotic, but something like, "Hey I see you like ________________. I'm interested in that too/whatever. I found you interesting/smart/fun/whatever (not looks!). Check out my profile and see if you think I'm interesting too." That's pretty much what I always wrote and what most of the guys who I would be at all interested in wrote me, if they wrote first. Edited July 21, 2011 by zengirl
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I think it does matter where you are. I live in a large city, but my friend lives in a small city (he's a male) and his response rates are much lower... and the ones who initiate with him are usually a distance away. He's not unattractive or stupid, but he's a self-effacing geeky nice guy in an area where that's not the norm. I live in a suburb of DC, so it's not really a "large city" nor a rural area. One question related to this though: I've noticed that almost all the profiles in my search range list DC as their location and hardly anyone lists any of the surrounding suburban communities, do you think that it's because they all actually do live in DC, or do you think it's because they're just listing it as their location? Obviously I don't expect you to have the answer, but I'm just tossing ideas/questions out there. I also think that how you answer the questions on these sites makes a difference. I didn't respond to or seek out anyone who put that they "definitely" wanted kids, for example, because I'm fairly certain that I don't. In my own profile, I put "unsure," which I'm sure turned some guys off. Even though I wasn't speaking in an absolute sense, if you know or think you know that you want children, my ambivalence in the opposite direction was probably a sign that we're not going to be compatible. There was no magic combination of words that inspired me to message. I looked for deal breakers and things in common, and whether I was attracted to the pictures. I did differentiate between winks and actual emails. Winks were usually sent to men I was attracted to and we shared some interests but it could go either way, or to guys that I was really mostly physically attracted to but thought could be a good time (not in that way haha). I sent somewhat generic emails to guys that I was more physically or intellectually attracted to but had profiles that didn't really allow me to ask questions - profiles that are too long, too detailed, or too specific. I sent more personalised emails to men that I felt certain that I would want to meet due to physical or intellectual attractiveness, who I felt like I could have conversations with prior to that meeting, and who didn't have any of my deal breakers. I mean I figured some answers to questions or things I listed in my profile would be a turn-off for some women but not to others. So as long as I sought women with similar interests, etc. there would at least be some kind of rapport. At least that's what I thought, and yet here I am.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 How many girls are 90+% compatible with you when you Match Search? And how many are in the same general attractiveness range as you (roundabouts)? Not too many in the 90%+ range. A lot more in the 80%+ range though, and of them I'd say roughly 50% (maybe a little less) seemed attractive (at least in my cursory examination). I also looked at my sent messages and almost all of them were 80%+, a few of them were less, but they mentioned things in their profiles that we had in common so I wrote them anyway (with not much expectation). I would answer more questions. I was near 500 by the time I met my BF and he was over 500. More questions leads to better matching IME. 100 isn't really that many. . . you have to answer almost that many just to get profile completion. I suppose I could do that. Sometimes I skip questions that don't have good answers, but I'll endeavor to answer more of them. ETA: I would say when writing, definitely don't go overboard. Write a paragraph. Not just "hi" as that's idiotic, but something like, "Hey I see you like ________________. I'm interested in that too/whatever. I found you interesting/smart/fun/whatever (not looks!). Check out my profile and see if you think I'm interesting too." That's pretty much what I always wrote and what most of the guys who I would be at all interested in wrote me, if they wrote first. That's pretty much what I write, except I don't write "check out my profile", perhaps I should start doing so.
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