cutter

[distressedcutter]

Ok... I've been looking all over the web for forums for people who self-mutilate to talk. But I haven't found any so I guess this is good. Anyways heres my story.

 

About two and a half years ago (during the summer) I was in trouble constintly. It got so bad that my dad stopped talking to me. Even if I said I was sorry he would ignore me. I guess that was the first time I started to think about suicide thoughts. I LOVED my parents to death. Our family was so normal. My parents were married, we went to church, my mom stayed home with us (was always gardening), my dad worked in the Army.

 

That summer though they started to fight more in front of us. I was constintly in my room. I got so mad one day at my life that i took a safety pin and cut "HATE" into my right wrist. It felt so good to do it. I only cut like 3 times that summer though. Then in November my parents confronted us and told us they were getting a divorce.

 

That was the worst day in my life. After that my mom started drinking and started smoking cigs. (37 hasn't smoked since she was like 15) She started leaving us kids at home at night while she went out to bars. I guess this and a whole lot of other stuff started bothering me and I started cutting again, but deeper.

 

My arms have scars all over them and I have them down my legs too. My brother started seeing a physcologist so I decided to go see one too.(no one knows about my cutting still at this point) Then the question comes up in my counciling if I have ever cut myself.... well from there my mom was told about this. She told my aunt and my aunt told everyone. (I'm kinda glad she did but kinda mad, but not at her)

 

So since everyone knows its not my secret anymore. My mom jokes about it which makes me want to do it more. Now I'm in a stage of wether I wan't to go live with my aunt because it's just to much up here. I feel like I'm abandoning my mom though because she has raised me and I guess in her way she does try. Anyways that's were I am and I would just like someone to talk to right now besides someone I know because I don't know if I could talk to them its ackward.

[spencer]

http://www.self-injury-abuse-trauma-directory.info

 

try learning more about it. start here.

 

i wouldn't move right now if i were you, unless you are being harmed. its important that you have stability.

keep working with the therapist to help you relieve that fustrations in a healthier way.

[distressedcutter]

Thank you for responding... and the link. I'm not really sure how stable it is anywhere. For some reason no matter where I go I get frustrated with life. I more of a person who wants to live their own lifes I feel so locked down living with my mom. I have to try and be what she wants me to be and when I do something I know is wrong I get frustated and it keeps building up and that's why I cut myself. I haven't done it for a week which is really good for me seeing how before my whole "emancipation" thing started (my aunt wants me to emancipate myself so i can move down there) I cut myself everyday if not 2-3 times... I'm not really sure if moving would help either but, w/e.

[befuddled11]

Dear distressedcutter,

I am so sorry that you're going through all of this tough stuff and that it doesn't seem your Mom understands your pain and despair. I'm assuming you're a teenager? Yep, it can definitely be tough growing up, especially in a family where your parents get divorced. My parents were (and still are) together when I was growing up, but they likely should have divorced because they were always fighting and yelling and bickering and there was a lot of tension and chaos, it wasn't a very happy place to be for the most part. And on the surface, our family seemed pretty okay...we all went to church each Sunday, and all that. But it was tough.

 

You mentioned that you're going to a psychologist......you still going? How is that? Is he or she working with you to help you understand WHY you cut yourself? And helping you to work through your feelings of confusion and loneliness and sadness and all that? Other than your Mom, do you have any family members (like your Aunt that you mentioned) who you can turn to, to talk about things?

 

I searched online and found the Teen Advice Online website.....it lists all kinds of "toll free" (free to call) numbers, for teens to call......for various things, if they need someone to talk to. Just click on this link below (where it says "External link" and it will take you to that page):

 

http://www.teenadviceonline.org/gethelp/numbers.html

 

I see there's one toll-free number to call for teens who "cut themselves" ......it give a 1-800 number to call..but I don't know anything about it.

 

As you'll see there, the "Children of the Night" and National Runaway Hotline are NOT just for teens thinking about running away......it says teens can call them for any reason, if they just need someone to talk to.

 

You mentioned that your Mom laughs offand jokes about, the fact that you cut yourself. It doesn't sound like she really understands much about it. Has your psychologist ever suggested that your Mom come to one of your sessions, or that he/she meet with your Mom? Next time you see him/her, you should be sure to mention that your Mom doesn't seem to take this seriously......and maybe he/she will want to meet with her.........because as you know, self-mutilation isn't funny at all. The fact that her joking about it makes you want to do it more is all the more reason that she needs to become educated on it, and take it seriously.

 

As you mentioned, your family went (or still goes) to church. Do you have someone at your church you can talk to and confide in? The pastor/minister/priest? You can go to them at any time...and talk to them about how you're feeling......it's free and part of their job. Or maybe someone in your church who is the Youth Pastor (if you have such a thing)...or who leads any type of Youth programs or such. You don't have to be ashamed to go talk to them, that is what they are there for....to help and listen and be a support for you, too. Sometimes it just really helps a lot to have people who care, that will just listen to us...and let us get things off our chest. You know?

 

I wish you the very best. Please know that growing up can be tough....but things always end up getting better, they really do. From what you've written, you sound like a very bright, thoughtful, caring person........and though your Mom and Dad maybe aren't the best at showing it, I'm sure they love you tons. Your brother, too. Things always get better. My childhood and growing up as a teenager sucked, as far as my home situation was concerned. My Mom was very verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. Looking back now, I realize that she just wasn't a very happy person back then.....and she wrongly took out her frustration and unhappiness out on me and my sister. I know she feels sorry for it now (I'm in my 30s now) but it was still hard.

 

You're not alone, even if you feel that you are....there are so many other teens who feel the same was you. There's likely kids at school who have the same feelings as you do about things.......about their parents getting divorced and all that, but you just don't know it.

 

Do you have any close friends?

[distressedcutter]

Yes I am a teenager. I'm 15 acually. My parents really never fought (in front of us anyways) until that summer. So it really boggled me why all of a sudden after 14 years together they could just start fighting. But nosey me had to get into their business. I found out that my dad has cheated on my mom numerous times and that my mom has cheated on him. Then I found out that my mom's mom had cheated on her husband many-a-times too.

 

My whole family has had terrible depression issues I guess. Out of all of them I tried to hold them inside. I guess that's one place I went wrong. My brother about 2 months ago tried a suicide attempt. (it didn't work because I saw him grab the things and my mom ran after him) After that I felt I had to hold it in more so my mom didn't have even more pressure. Anyways when my mom was 15 she also tried a suicide attempt. She took 169 pills. (she told the doctor she took that much because she couldn't find anymore than that)

 

All this scares me. I feel like if I do the wrong thing, or leave my mom that she will try to kill herself still. Besides that fact my older brother wants to leave to and my dad wants to get custody of my younger one. That would leave her all alone and that scares me. I mean one day it is gonna happen but hopefully after she's remarried. I guess I feel responsible for her feelings.

 

Anyways... I still go to church the rest of my family not so much. (except my dad but he lives 4 states away) And I'm still seeing my psychologist but I've only seen her 3 times now. This week I see her again. I'm not to sure about seeing her because I don't know how well it will work. My whole family goes to family counciling, and then me and my brothers go also to see seperate ones.

 

Today I've been reading a lot about self-mutilation and reading about it helped me understand why I do it a lot more. Which would be because I feel no control over my life, and all my stress builds and builds i guess.

 

Me and my aunt talk a lot. She made me promise not to cut myself while i'm here. That's four more weeks. I'm not sure if I can do it but thats the reason I haven't yet. I started talking to one of my friends about it but she just is kinda like ya oh ok. And my other best friend just makes jokes about it too. Thats why I started hiding it.

 

Thank you for the website also. Thank you for responding too.

[befuddled11]

You are very mature, insightful and articulate for your age...and you've had a whole lot on your plate, probably a lot more than most your age (or those even much older). Kudos to you for staying strong, even when it's been hard to do.

 

Maybe you can think about maybe trying to develop a closer relationship with your Mom? You both could probably use the support and friendship of one another, you know? Just as it's been very hard for you to deal with your family breaking apart, as you know, it's hard for her, too. I'm sure she's very proud to have such a bright and caring daughter.

 

Cheating in a marriage/family, is very hard to deal with. I'm glad that your family goes for counselling, too. And I'm glad you still go to church, even when the others in your family don't. I don't want to sound all preachy here, but whenever you're feeling alone and like nobody understands or cares, know that God is always there with you......ALWAYS. And He loves you a million times more than even your family...and He'll never ever desert you, no matter what mistakes you make. He knows you're hurting, and that your family members are hurting, too....and that hurts Him, too.

 

During the toughest times of my life, when I felt completely alone.....from my childhood and memories of that and the impact it's had on me even still...and going through a rotten marriage when I was 25-27 (he was abusive and he cheated a lot), I was always thankful to know that God was there for me.......and that I was never really alone. Though sometimes when you're down on life and down on yourself, it's hard to remember this

 

And about your friends now understanding your cutting....and them joking about it, or blowing it off..well, you know, even as adults, unfortunately it's often a human thing to do, to make fun of something when you just don't understand it, or it seems so "foreign." Maybe sometime you could suggest to your close friends that know about this, to read up on it. Give them some website addresses to sites that explain it........so they can learn at their own speed. They might also joke about it because they're really not sure what to say to you. It doesn't mean they don't still care about you.

 

I take it that you're staying with your aunt now for a bit. Maybe you could write your Mom a letter.....as I'm sure she misses you a lot.....and just tell her that you love her and that you're thinking about her...and that when you're back home, you'd like to work on developing a closer relationship with her......as Mom and daugher, and as friends. Just something to think about. I'm a "letter writer" myself.....I have found it's often easier to express my feelings that way, but I guess it's not for everyone.

 

I'm sure you will all get through this, it may just take some time and support. It's wonderful that you have such a great Aunt who is there for you like she is. I'm sure she loves you immensely.

 

Post back here anytime, and do take care

[faux]

If you are cutting so frequently, perhaps the best place for you at this time would be an inpatient setting in a mental hospital. It sounds that you need very intensive therapy, much more than you can get in outpatient.

 

I recommend not reading about self mutilation, or any other affliction you believe yourself to be suffering from. I recommend you not do this unless you are specifically told to do so by a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist. I see quite often when young, impressionable minds read about such things they tend to only make themselves worse. In fact, they tend to take on symptoms that they read about and actually make themselves ill. Unfortunately, the medical term for this behavior escapes me at the moment.

 

I can only go by my experiences, and tell you that I notice that everyone who reads about their "illness" tends to get worse, especially younger teens. I was also always advised not to go exploring too much on my own when I was involved in therapy, or on medications for certain things. I wish I had simply asked the professionals questions, as opposed to doing my own research; this made things more difficult for me.

 

I'm beginning to question what is going on, if you are involved in therapy... I mean to say, that if your therapist/psychiatrist knows that you are still cutting, why have you not been admitted to an inpatient facility when you are clearly a danger to yourself?

 

I went through similar things with self mutilation, and if you are cutting as much as you say you definitely need an inpatient setting. Anyone who is a danger to his or herself needs to get more intensive treatment. It certainly helped me. And unfortunately, so far as your mother is concerned, she is going to have to change herself if anything is going to get better.

 

Talk to your therapist and tell him or her everything that is going on. I'm getting this overwhelming impression that you are witholding information, and perhaps volunteering much more here online than you are in the office.

[Bankster]

I hate to ignore your feelings and the problem at hand, cause it is a pretty serious one (from one cutter to another) but you should really sue that phyciatrist of yours. Apparently he's never heard of a doctor-patient relationship, or of malpractise. He shouldn't have told your mother about your condition -- not ever. The fact that she went and told everyone and then had the nerve to joke about it was even worse. MY cutting's got me into some trouble as well.

 

I began doing it as a recreational thing -- I carved a little happy face into my perfectly-circular birthmark on my arm with a compas during class one day. From there, i moved onto just random slashes on my forearm. After a while I got sick of hurting myself, and with my newfound happiness with my first love, I stopped. One day the relationship went sour, and dispite the deepest love I felt for her, the utmost respect and effort I put into our relationship, it fell apart. I guess it was the case that all our petty fights eventually got to her, and she was sick of trying to fix it. I took again to cutting myself -- I now have her initals sliced into my upper bicep...

 

Normally this wouldn't matter, I don't usually go deep enough for them to stick around more than a few months, but we ended up getting back together, and she saw it while we were being intimate one night. From there, through more fights, more bull**** that she didn't want to wade through anymore, we broke up once more. We're at that stage now. I miss her more than anything, and dispite holding my pocket knife right close to my arm just last night, I've vowed never to cut myself again. It's not worth the trouble it causes, and it really doesn't bode well for a healthy mental self. More than anything, people who are in true, deep pain always want to inflict physical pain upon themselves (or sometimes others) to project to the world the pain they feel inside. I know that's the case for me. I have this pathetic notion that if I bleed outside, maybe my heart will stop bleeding inside...

 

Sometimes people just get so lost within their own lives -- hopefully you find your way...

[tattoomytoe]

i can relate- i self-mutilate, not in a few years though. the best thing you can do is try and turn the negative feelings you have into something positive.

 

to take this pespective- there are lots of people-teens that have some form of controlling, unhealthy thoughts and that are in the least desirable situations. and a good majority, like myself, will give into those thoughts and let them take over their lives.

Be one of the ones that kick this in the ass, show your parents up BY NOT cutting...talk with your conselor open about everything, rant rave go crazy, that is why she gets the big bucks!

channnel the self lothing into bettering yourself, get an all expenses paid college ride! Show everyone that you are a special person, cause you are, but cutting does not makeyou special, and trying to explain all the scars later on in life is a lot easier is they are not even there...i wonder what i will tell my children about my arms and legs.

 

not to mention how extremely dangerous mutilation is! there are all kinds of nasty infections that you could get!

 

come to think of it, i started piercing my ears to relieve the need...better than a cut, but hurts just as well, and it could be stylish too!

 

also a word of caution...these thoughts and habits can easily manifest into drug, alcohol, sex, food any addiction you can think of...i am such a picker now.

 

and i wanted to mention antidepp...it is not a bad thing to use assistance like prozac to help you out at first.....a lot of people here do not think so, but i think i am here because i had some mental help with prozac....and no it is not all hunky-dory now...i do have other addictions that i am still in the midst of......and i did pierce my ear again ;last month, but i do not burn or cut myself anymore, though i think about it.

 

But please try to get all the help you can NOW, not 10 years later.... i was about 15 when i started....

 

 

oh yeah....your psych can tell your parents when you are doing things that harm you or could, unless you are 18 and not a minor they have a responsibility to tell you parent.