What should i do!?!

[mont13]

For those who dont know my story my original post was in the breakup section, but to make a long story short I pushed my girlfriend of 3 yrs away because i took her for granted! i didnt always appreciate her for who she was as a person and how much she affected my life. She left me about 2 months ago, we had a good breakup and no anger towards each other we just both wanted to work on ourselves so we can both be what we want to be in a person! About 2 weeks ago i sent her an email telling her that i truly understand why she left me, and that i saw a counsler and have been reading books about my anger and relationship issues, and truly trying to better myself! and told her that i wouldnt contact her and i would leave the ball in her court untill she is ready to talk with me.

 

Well yesterday i spoke with a mutual friend and she told me that my ex asks about me once in a while and she found out that i was nominated for a award in my proffesion and she was truly excited for me and proud of me. I asked my friend if i was handling the situation right by not contacting her and said she thinks so. She said if i was to contact her that she could see my ex falling back into old habbits and starting over with me relationship wise where we left off which wasnt good. But i honestly know that i see things differently now and our relationship would be 100% opposite of what it was before, this whole thing has been such a life lesson for me and a man learns from his mistakes! So what do i do? I feel like im not doing enough, im not fighting for her, im giving her the key to lock me out of her life forever. if she has any feelings left why not fight for them? Most likey she will be on messanger tonight, should i IM her and break my no contact? And if i do what do i say to her? do i just do small chit chat or do i bring the topic of us up? I no we are not ready to try the relationship over but would at least like to stay on her mind.

[johan]

Good job sticking to your guns. It's good to know she respects you and has good things to say about you. How could she not?

 

Should you fight for her? I don't know. I still think that the changes SHE has to make are crucial ones. You talk about how much you've learned, but I doubt you've learned the ones that are most important for a relationship with HER. For instance, how does she really need you to treat her? You still don't know because she never told you. And she still hasn't. You've been speculating all this time trying to invent solutions, and it appears you're even blaming yourself for the break up.

 

But I still believe that you didn't "drive" her away. She never gave you the tools to keep her. She let you run all over her and then when she couldn't take it anymore she left. You blame yourself for being so dominant, but she was also too passive. And what were you really going to change when the two of you formed your relationship based on that kind of interaction? You couldn't have known that was a problem, or at least not a serious one. She didn't say anything until it was too late. I believe if you had spontaneously decided to not be so dominant, that wouldn't have automatically made her less passive.

 

So what if you fight for her? What if you actually get her back? What is your plan for getting her to make the changes she needs to make so you can communicate properly? Do you know if she even realizes that's a problem? How is she going to get you to show the right amount of respect for her if she comes back? And will you be able to accept a more assertive version of her? Do you realize that would be like dating a completely different person?

 

I believe you can't really do anything wrong as long as you don't sacrifice your self respect. But I think you should really come to terms with how you both contributed to the breakup and how you BOTH need to change to make it work again. Before you start trying to get her back, I mean. Otherwise you are really just signing up to have it happen all over again.

[USAsian228]

Mont,

 

After reading your post, it sounds like you have recognized your role that led to the break-up. I applaud you for taking responsibility and better yet, taking action to evolve on a personal level. Seeing ourselves clearly is difficult enough, and taking action when we see we need improvement is even more difficult, I believe.... As a gay man with many hetero girl friends, the main thing I continue to hear from those who are in relationships is that their male partner does not understand the damage he is causing to the relationship by refusing to see the reality of his actions... "He takes me for granted" is a phrase I hear all the time. "I wish he would actually hear me for once" is another... Without going into the reasons why I think so many guys can't see this truth (this will make a great topic on another thread - objectification of females, male conditioning and peer pressure, etc.), it sounds like you know what you did wrong and you want opinions on how to proceed from here, so here's my take on your present question.....

 

She had a connection with you for three years - I doubt that her problems with you popped up overnight - I bet she has been troubled by your actions for some time now... And I bet she has tried to tell you time and time again... I have not read your initial post, by the way... So to say that she is tired and frustrated with you is probably an understatement. She looked to you as her partner, her confidant, her supporter, and so much more... She also probably expected you to take the lead in the relationship and nurture her and your relationship properly, which is every male's responsibility. She did not get this from you, so now you are in a fractured situation... and it is one that I have witnessed time and time again. You say you had a "good break-up" with no anger - I put my money on the fact that she is angry... and hurt... and frustrated... She may not let you see this, but there is no way she could not be experiencing these feelings if she has been putting up with your disrespect for any length of time... It also sounds like she is not seeing things clearly, but I will get to that shortly.

 

Women have a high tolerance for pain and hurt in relationships because they approach their connections with guys completely differently than most guys do... They are willing to accept their man's failures because they want the relationship to succeed... Don't forget that they have been dreaming of "the perfect man" since they were little girls. Sadly, this dream and everything that society throws at them regarding marriage and relationships has them at a disadvantage. When their version of their "knight in shining armor" shows up and it is evident that his armor is tarnished and his horse is a mule, the may go into their natural mode of repairing the matter. Why? because that's what females do - they nurture and console and take care of and fix... So many times, they see themselves as having the ability to change their male partner - this is one skewed vision that causes so many problems for females, I believe, because for the most part, they cannot. But I think it speaks volumes for the level of committment that females generally have for their male partners... They are willing to put up with way too much, I think.

 

Frankly, I think females are much stronger than males and they always have been, although their "I can change him" stance makes them incredibly vulnerable. Without getting on a soapbox, I think it is time for males to get it together and understand they dynamics of a true, positive, equal connection with females, understand what makes females strong and what makes them vulnerable, and recognize the male has an incredibly important role as a nurturer and leader in the relationship. And it really doesn't take much, as most females will tell you - attention, honesty, integrity, humility, and a sincere desire to evolve and place the relationship before everything else is usually what my female friends say they value most ... That, and a great sense of humor will do wonders for laying the foundation for a lasting connection...

 

From what you wrote, your ex sounds like she is still interested in you - but I am troubled by your female friend's news to you regarding your ex's position that she will "fall back into old habits and start over with you, relationship wise, where you left off" if you contact her... This is troubling because it appears that she may have some soul searching to do so she can see her role in the failure of this relationship, as well... Without knowing details, it appears that she may be culpable, too.

 

Is she willing to jump back into this right now if you contact her? If so, and if she is not willing to stand her ground until she is assured that you have changed so that your future together will be different, it sounds like she needs to seek counseling, too. She may still have her rose-colored glasses on and think that she can "change you" if she gives the relationship another try. It appears that her "old habits" may include many attempts to change you in the past - I may be wrong, but from this one sentence from your friend about your ex, it sure sounds like your ex is in that "I love him and I think I can change him" mode.

 

If this is the case, then it is even more important for you to take a leadership role and rebuild the friendship slowly.... if she is so in love with you that she is willing to jump back into old habits if you initiate conversation with her right now, then you must recognize that she needs help with her perspective on your relationship, too, and rebuilding a friendship with her is even that much more important. It would be equally important that she seek counseling to understand why she is so willing to jump back into a love relationship with you if you contact her again - if all it takes for her to get back in the saddle is contact from you, then she needs clarity with her perspective, big time. Otherwise, the cycle, and I do think there has been a history of one here, will only continue and both of you will be spinning your wheels needlessly.

 

If you want to, please explain this "jumping back into old habits" thing some more.... describe her history with you and how she has dealt with your problems in the past. I think her history and position may have just as much to do with what direction you should take as your history and position.

 

But for tonight, I suggest that you leave her alone. Whatever the case, your friendship with her needs to be rebuilt - not your love relationship. And without knowing more, it appears that you both need to evolve with your perspectives on healthy, positive relationships.

 

Whatever the case, you are headed in the right direction with your self-study and counseling - you have taken a step that many guys can't even get to, so see your evolution as it is - a wise move on your part, and a necessary step in a vital process that will only lead to you having healthier relationships, friendships and otherwise, for the future.

[USAsian228]

Johan's reply was not posted when I was working on a response.... so when i posted, i saw his post... maybe she has more to do with this all the way around.... i'll go read your initial post thread to see what's up.

[USAsian228]

after reading your initial post, i agree with johan - you are doing what you need to do - what is she doing to evolve? she needs to communicate her expectations to you much better than she did in the past... you are obviously taking the steps to change for the better, and she should start this process, as well. but she first has to admit that she needs to change. she has a tremendous responsibility in this break-up, and johan's question about her even knowing that there's a problem on her end is a valid one... if she doesn't admit her part in this and her need for change, then you definitely will be spinning your wheels. and here's an example of the shoe being on the other foot - i wouldn't think that you can change her so i hope you aren't thinking you can...

 

so i don't think you need to be concerned with contacting her as much as you need to be concerned with her following your lead, admitting she has some work to do on herself, and actually taking action to grow.

 

i will tell you this - there are lots of females out there who would love to be involved with a guy who has had the guts to recognize his need for change and has actually done something about it, as you and johan have done... i wonder if straight guys even realize how rare this is and what a valuable commidity it is in a woman's eyes.... your personal growth, even though painful, places you in a much better situation for a healthy relationship... i hope you open up and share your story with any woman you are serious with in the future - your experience with vulnerabillity, recognition, and subsequent evolution can be very sexy and attractive to a female - they don't see this side of guys nearly enough... they definitely don't see enough guys who have evolved to the point where they actually care about improving their relationship roles and take steps to do so, as you two have done.

 

guys can spout all the macho bs they want to so they'll look good in front of their bud's - the attention that you two are giving to your personal growth and relationships is the mark of a real man, gay or straight.

[mont13]

Wow thanks guys those post were real insightful. I really appreicate and amazed how a total stranger can see things and make it so clear. Well i didnt call he or IM her. The mutual friend did also tell me that she was working on her self making sure she felt good about who she was and things of that nature. So at least i think she knows she has something that she wants to improve about herself! I do want to work on our friendship more then relationship i would rather us both to get to know the new people that we are becoming and see if the connection is still there! I just dont know how to approach getting her to want to work on the friendship. I dont think she would be upset if i said a casual hello but im not sure how to turn the "hello" into "get to know me again" If she is happy right now, i dont want to ruin or make her feel under pressure to talkin with me.

[USAsian228]

you keep focusing on your growth, and ask your friend to help nudge your ex to begin her growth. that's about all you need to do right now, mont.... everything else will evolve from here on out, and you can look at the future knowing you are doing the right thing.

 

that's the assurance and peace you really need at this point.

 

wow. i just had an epiphany and told you what I have been needing to tell myself regarding a personal issue in my own relationship. well i'll be. your problem just helped my problem.

 

i wish we had a campfire and someone with a guitar to play Kum ba Yah.

 

anyway, here's my prediction...

 

you are going to stay focused on your internal growth. she is gonna take some time to get anywhere close to where you are. in the mean time, some really cool gal with her ship together is going to meet you and sense that you have your ship together... you may still be in the port, but you have definitely pushed away from the dock and you are going to be ready to set sail on the open waters as soon as the remainder of some clouds move on... before long, you will be full steam ahead.

 

and you're gonna look up at that point and notice that you have a new ship mate at your side.

 

bon voyage, and keep the rudder pointed toward smooth waters, captain. it is your responsibility.

[mont13]

Ha ha well glad i could help in some way! Well i will take your advice and not contact and keep workin on myself and hopfully she well get to that point as well and contact me. thanks for the advice