teerockness Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Kathy- In Virginia, (for example) - a "no fault" state by definition - one can file for a contested divorce. In this type of situation, division of property and yes - custody rights - can be very much decided or impacted by unfaithfulness of a spouse, among other factors. Beyond that, some sense of justice in the world would seem to imply that he shouldn't be the one to leave the house - she should, since she's the one doing the wrong thing. She shouldn't be allowed to 'cake eat' - enjoy the privilege of the roof over her head paid for by him (seemingly), while also screwing around. Sorry. Finally, given the presence of another man in the mix, I would recommend no father leave his child or children with the woman in this situation. There have been *many* stories on this very forum of the OM serving as a negative (or at best) unknown and unwelcome influence on the children. TR
teerockness Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 In my situation, I technically filed an uncontested divorce in the state of Virginia. That said, because I had "the goods" on my wife, she was quite willing to basically give me whatever I asked for. No fault? You decide. TR
andyg99 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 kami - I hate that you have to go through this but you are handling things well. Lots of good advice here as usual but for the legal stuff you better talk to that lawyer ASAP. Really think about leaving the home before you do it, at least don't make ANY major decisions until you and your lawyer have a plan. It's amazing with cell-phones and computers what we can find, a month ago I put together a few bits of info and found out what I didn't want to know. Now she is out of the house and I'm doing ok. You will get there too! I applaud you for handling this as well as you are and making a stand for yourself and more importantly your child.
PegNosePete Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 kami - well done on the confrontation. Sounds like you handled it perfectly. Well you know what I mean, not good that your fears are confirmed, but you did a great job extracting the truth. Sounds like her responses were literally straight out of the cheater's handbook. Lie lie lie until you're busted and then blame the other person. What a load of BS. DO NOT MOVE OUT. As the others have said, if you move out, you can severely financially disadvantage yourself. Why should YOU move out anyway, SHE is the one who had the affair! You REALLY need to see a lawyer.
KathyM Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Kathy- In Virginia, (for example) - a "no fault" state by definition - one can file for a contested divorce. In this type of situation, division of property and yes - custody rights - can be very much decided or impacted by unfaithfulness of a spouse, among other factors. Beyond that, some sense of justice in the world would seem to imply that he shouldn't be the one to leave the house - she should, since she's the one doing the wrong thing. She shouldn't be allowed to 'cake eat' - enjoy the privilege of the roof over her head paid for by him (seemingly), while also screwing around. Sorry. Finally, given the presence of another man in the mix, I would recommend no father leave his child or children with the woman in this situation. There have been *many* stories on this very forum of the OM serving as a negative (or at best) unknown and unwelcome influence on the children. TR Laws and procedures vary from state to state. I've lived in three states in my life, and they have not allowed infidelity to impact on the court's decision in child custody or division of property. It's a non-issue, unless it results in the neglect or corruption of the child. But let's call a spade a spade. The wife will most likely get joint custody, if not full custody of the daughter, and she will most likely be the one to be allowed to stay in the home. She knows that, and her attorney would certainly advise her not to leave. That means he has two choices. To stay in the home in an extremely unpleasant situation and wait for the temporary custody orders, which will most likely require him to leave, or he could leave now, and file for joint or full custody. Like I said, when both spouses want custody of the child, joint custody is usually awarded. No court is going to award him full custody of the daughter, whether he has stayed in the home until the temporary custody orders are given, or whether he is at the hotel. I know it's unfair that the wife would not be penalized for the affair by the court, but the court isn't interested in the affair. Only interested in what is in the best interests of the child. That has been my experience in the three states I've lived in.
PegNosePete Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) her attorney would certainly advise her not to leave. Yes, and his attorney would advise him not to leave either. Still, there's little point in arguing about this. We're here to help to OP. I don't think we can offer any advice until we know where he lives, except to not do anything before seeing a lawyer/attorney/solicitor in his jurisdiction. Edited July 25, 2011 by PegNosePete
FreeNow Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 The wife will most likely get joint custody, if not full custody of the daughter, and she will most likely be the one to be allowed to stay in the home. Why, because she is the woman? Oh, my dear, times are a changin'! Most of the recently divorced fathers I know have FULL custody of their children and enjoy complete possession of the marital residence. Welcome to modern equality. her attorney would certainly advise her not to leave. And why ever would that be? I thought you posted that who stays in the home wouldn't have any bearing. Her attorney would advise it because leaving the marital home can affect the outcome! That means he has two choices. To stay in the home in an extremely unpleasant situation He could also make it 'extremely unpleasant' for her. Why does so much of what you write appear gender biased? and wait for the temporary custody orders, which will most likely require him to leave, WTF are you smoking? I hope the firm for which you paralegal doesn't take on male clients in divorce cases. There's no reason for temporary custody orders to require him to leave except in extreme circumstances like DV. In the absence of dire circumstances, any competent attorney would argue against such a requirement (and easily win it) if their client wished to remain in the home prior to final divorce settlement. or he could leave now, and file for joint or full custody. If he LEAVES and seeks full custody then he's shooting himself in the foot. but the court isn't interested in the affair. Only interested in what is in the best interests of the child. Correct about the affair, however the "best interests of the child" is coloured by status quo... which can be coloured by leaving the primary residence. kami823, There are only a few reasons to leave the home voluntarily. Two of the reasons might be if there is a danger of her falsifying DV or if you couldn't emotionally handle being there.
Chi townD Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Okay, by now, she's probably contacted OM and informed him that you know. He's probably sweating bullets. If she told them that you are considering contacting the OM's wife. You're giving him plenty of time to concoct a viable story that makes you out to be some crazy guy that is mentally unstable an accusing everyone in town of sleeping with his wife. Personally, the quickest way to end an affair is to bring it to light. Some people would say that you shouldn't do it because you're ending your marriage so what's the point? The point is I believe that poor woman has a right to know what's going on in her marriage. To know what kind of guy she married. He gets to sleep with your wife, then he breaks up your marriage and breaks up your family and he gets to go scott free and screw up someone else's life? No way... I would contact the OM wife immediately.
stillafool Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Why should you move out of the house and give up your child. She's the cheater, let her move out, pay her own housing costs. Don't make life easier for her. So what, you pay the bills and the other man gets the honey?
KathyM Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Yes, and his attorney would advise him not to leave either. Still, there's little point in arguing about this. We're here to help to OP. I don't think we can offer any advice until we know where he lives, except to not do anything before seeing a lawyer/attorney/solicitor in his jurisdiction. Maybe his attorney would advise him that. Maybe not. His attorney would know what normally happens in these types of cases, and would advise him accordingly. But you are right that we don't know where he lives, so we are limited in the advice we could give. One thing that he may want to consider is to talk to someone who does marriage arbitration. They are well qualified to work out custody arrangements and division of property. They are normally attorneys who provide a service that is meant to be fair to both parties, and it saves a truckload of money. As the saying goes, the only people who benefit in a divorce case are the attorneys, since they come away with thousands of dollars by dragging out every possible issue as long as they possibly can to milk it for all it's worth. I've seen that happen all the time, where I used to work, and with friends and relatives. Their attorneys will make the process as contentious as they possibly can, because that's how they get paid. They'll rack up a couple thousand dollars in attorneys fees just by arguing who gets the couch, or some other dumb thing. In my sister's case, her husband wanted the treadmill, so he ended up spending $1,500+ in attorney's fees to fight for something that was worth probably $300. Doesn't make sense. So I guess my advice to the OP would be to see an attorney for an initial consultation (the first appiontment is normally free of charge), but also strongly consider using the services of a marriage arbitrator instead. It will be a lot less expensive, and is less acrimonious and easier on the family.
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