Cinnamon Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I need advice on how to get rid of a bad guy safely. I met him online and he looked nice and sweet. I have met him several times and we had sex twice. He is 40 y.o, attractive, fit and great at sex. When I had sex with him for the first time I have noticed that he had huge rash on his genitalia called Jock itch which is contagious. He also did not want to use condoms and stated that he typically did not use them. I was shocked by the things. Later, I emailed him that I thought that we were not a match. He answered me with a text very aggressively and rudely. Then, I emailed him back that i was sorry and did not want to hurt his feelings. Because of my weakness he could set the second date. I thought that I would explain him my reasons why we could not date but he did not care for any reasons and I do not understand why but I agreed on the next date. Then, I needed some man's help around my place and I took an advantage of him. Then, it was crazy, but we had sex again at the night and at the morning. I felt so terrible after the sex and I was very sick all next day (vomiting several times). BTW he is a jerk who is rude, aggressive, ignorant, disrespectful to women. He rents a terrible room and he wants to move to my nice place. He told me on the second date that he wanted me to be his GF and get married me. I want to get rid of him safely. I did not answer his emails but he called me. He told me that he wanted to visit me on weekend. I am afraid of his agression and I did not tell him directly that I did not want to see him anymore. I just was indifferent and sad with him. Any advice on how to get rid of a guy who is agressive and who does not want to vanish easily?
Waffles Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 He isn't going to leave if you ask him nicely... Maybe you could play the crazy card and scare him off. That was just a half-joke. Just go complete NC. Don't need to explain yourself. Call the police if it gets too bad. He might be the stalker type.
Ross MwcFan Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Go no contact. Cut him off immediatey. No contact and no exceptions. Tactics he may use is act sweet and send flowers and gifts or call saying he has an emergency. Igrnore them. Do not answer his calls, emails, texts. Block him. If he doesn't stop calling, call the police. Don't give up sex so easily. Waiting keeps the jerks away. I second this. If he does get so agressive that you really feel in danger of him coming over to your place or where you work or whatever, do you know any guys who could pay him a visit to put the frighteners on him?
Ross MwcFan Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Cinnamon, out of curiosity, when you said you had sex with him but felt terrible the next morning, why was that? Did you not want to have sex with him at the time, but you just made yourself or somthing? If so, why?
Waffles Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 She must follow NC strictly. She shouldn't say hi or utter a single word to him. Give these psychopaths an inch and they take a mile. Yeah, no kidding. If he does get so agressive that you really feel in danger of him coming over to your place or where you work or whatever, do you know any guys who could pay him a visit to put the frighteners on him? Send some men over to set him along the right path? Huh. You also might want to bring something to defend yourself with. Preferably non-lethal. Some of these guys just don't know when to quit.
oaks Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I need advice on how to get rid of a bad guy safely. I met him online and he looked nice and sweet. I have met him several times and we had sex twice. He is 40 y.o, attractive, fit and great at sex. When I had sex with him for the first time I have noticed that he had huge rash on his genitalia called Jock itch which is contagious. He also did not want to use condoms and stated that he typically did not use them. I was shocked by the things. Next time you should probably listen to your gut reaction sooner and not have sex with a guy with a visible rash or a guy who doesn't want to practice safe sex. You might consider whether you should get tested yourself now. Meanwhile, just don't contact him and don't respond to any contact he makes to you. If your phone has a 'block' or 'ignore' feature then put his number in there so that it doesn't even ring and you don't see any messages he sends. Since you met him online (a dating site?) then block him there as well.
Taramere Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 (edited) Any advice on how to get rid of a guy who is agressive and who does not want to vanish easily? From what you're saying about the guy I have absolutely no doubt that he's a creep who wouldn't enhance anybody's life, but there's the question of why you called on him for help after having identified him as a creep. Why you then had sex with him. I know you vomited, and accept that this shows your unhappiness and disgust with the situation...but there's still a question about why you actually did it. You sound a nice person, who is capable of making the right judgements...but for some reason in this situation you've showing some difficulty in following through with actions that show respect for your own good judgement. Whether the guy is a psychopath...no idea. Even if he is, psychopaths and narcissists do not have some magical powers whereby they brainwash others into doing their bidding. My impression from your post is that when this guy turns aggressive with you, you seek to pacify him. You told him you didn't want to see him again. When he got aggressive you changed your mind. You rewarded his bad behaviour, and so of course he sees you as a pushover. Maybe somebody whose nice home he can move into and start throwing his weight (and you) around in. Sometimes men get aggressive and nasty when you say no to them, and you just have to leave them in an aggressive and angry state Unless they take that aggression out on you by persisting with calls and making threats, their anger is not your problem. It's not your job to pacify a man who's pissed off that you decided you didn't want to see him again. If you take on that role of trying to pacify him, or somehow ending things with "no hard feelings" then you're going to be stuck with him. A person who takes up that pacifying role is an abuser's idea of the perfect partner. Somebody who will take responsiblity for their abusive behaviour so that they don't have to. Edited July 21, 2011 by Taramere
Ross MwcFan Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 And as for him wanting to move in to your place and get married to you by the second date... Weirdo alert!
Author Cinnamon Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Next time you should probably listen to your gut reaction sooner and not have sex with a guy with a visible rash or a guy who doesn't want to practice safe sex. You might consider whether you should get tested yourself now. Meanwhile, just don't contact him and don't respond to any contact he makes to you. If your phone has a 'block' or 'ignore' feature then put his number in there so that it doesn't even ring and you don't see any messages he sends. Since you met him online (a dating site?) then block him there as well. BTW, he used a condom with me. I can not imagine to vanish without letting him know that I do not want to date him. It feels kind of rude.
ThsAmericanLife Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Your post caught my eye because I recently got rid of a jerk myself. I agree with most of the posts here, except ones that suggest that you try to end this in 'indirect' ways... like acting crazy, etc. I firmly believe that no matter how someone treats you, or what they do, you should never lower your standards on how you yourself behave. Always act with dignity. I also agree that waiting keeps the jerks away. They need to prove they are worthy of your respect as a human being and friend first. Easier said than done, I know. I made the same mistake as you did with my 'jerk'. Had sex early in the relationship, then had to deal with weeks of garbage from him. He also made the same argument about condoms, but I insisted and he complied. I think if forced to choose between no sex and sex with condoms, even a jerk is going to go along with it. Depending on how hard they resist though, should be a flag that might prompt you to send them packing... Last week, he sent me the rudest email I've ever seen in my life... and I've seen a few in my time. I didn't argue or defend myself, although I had plenty. Just sent him a note that said 'We have nothing more to discuss. Good luck in your search for love." He tried calling a couple of times after that, but haven't heard since. Simple. Direct. That works with the run-of-the-mill jerk and you maintain your dignity and self-respect. In your case though, I think he has moved to a different stage. I agree with the other posters here. NO CONTACT at all.
Author Cinnamon Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 (edited) From what you're saying about the guy I have absolutely no doubt that he's a creep who wouldn't enhance anybody's life, but there's the question of why you called on him for help after having identified him as a creep. Why you then had sex with him. I know you vomited, and accept that this shows your unhappiness and disgust with the situation...but there's still a question about why you actually did it. My impression from your post is that when this guy turns aggressive with you, you seek to pacify him. You told him you didn't want to see him again. When he got aggressive you changed your mind. You rewarded his bad behaviour, and so of course he sees you as a pushover. If you take on that role of trying to pacify him, or somehow ending things with "no hard feelings" then you're going to be stuck with him. A person who takes up that pacifying role is an abuser's idea of the perfect partner. Somebody who will take responsiblity for their abusive behaviour so that they don't have to. Thank you. You have understood my thoughts and feelings right. I hate myself that I did what he wanted me to do. He had controlled my mind somehow by assertiveness and charm. He was very charming when I was nice to him. I asked him to help me because I had no one else available. He actually wanted to help me. But, He got very agressive when I tried to neglect and reject him. In other words, I told myself that I would never ever ever meet him again and especially have sex with him. But, when I met him again he was so charming and I changed my mind somehow automatically. When I came home after sex I could not understand my actions and felt sick. As for getting married, I did not get it but he might be just kidding. In fact, he mentioned it many times. Last time, I told him that he should get rid of his rash and I would see him after that. It takes 1 month to get rid of the rash so he told me "Would you marry me when I have no rash?" I answered him that I did not want to get married anyone including him. Edited July 21, 2011 by Cinnamon
Taramere Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Thank you. You have understood my thoughts and feelings right. I hate myself that I did what he wanted me to do. He had controlled my mind somehow by assertiveness and charm. He was very charming when I was nice to him. I asked him to help me because I had no one else available. He actually wanted to help me. But, He got very agressive when I tried to neglect and reject him. There's no reason to hate yourself over this at all. What's happened seems to have stemmed from a basic lack of confidence, which is something you need to work on increasing rather than berate yourself for not having. I think it's natural to hope for the best with others, and to therefore want to believe their charming side is genuine rather than a thing they're employing to manipulate you. He was charming when you were nice to him, because he was "training" you. Reward you for the behaviour he likes, punish you for the behaviour he dislikes (eg you saying "no" to him). To resist that kind of thing, you have to develop confidence in your own boundaries. As others have said, a jerk usually won't be prepared to wait very long for sex...so simply by the act of saying no in the early stages to a man you've just met, you'll get rid of a lot of the crap.
Author Cinnamon Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 How to get rid of a jerk? DON'T OPEN YOUR LEGS WHEN YOU FIRST MEET THE JERK. Now the horse is out of the barn. I was not aware of his creepy side before the first sex. I had sex with him only on the third date. He was sweet and attentive before I tried to reject him.
Ross MwcFan Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Do like some of the other women in the forum. Only have sex after you know the guy real well and you are in an exclusive relationship. The number of dates means nothing. I don't think most people would want to wait that long.
ThsAmericanLife Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 According to some experts, the two main components of emotional intelligence are empathy and ability to delay gratification. If a guy is trying to stick his tongue down my throat on the first date, he doesn't get a second. If a guy seems to expect me to be the only one attentive to the timing of when sex first happens, then he also doesn't get a subsequent date. I'd argue that anyone can get in trouble... whether it is the 3rd or 100th date. The risks just tend to decrease substantially as time goes on. I used to believe that I couldn't decide if I wanted to be exclusive with someone until AFTER sex, but have changed that opinion. There are plenty of safe ways to figure out someone's preferences and figure out if you are likely to be sexually compatible without going there. So, I'm going with the... agree to be exclusive part... and maybe actually be exclusive long enough to make sure their idea of exclusive is the same as yours... before having sex.
rafallus Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Nah, A player can wait for you, because he probably has several options anyway, that probably will "put out" in case you don't. And since you aren't exclusive, technically he wouldn't be doing anything wrong. Some guys also happen to be attracted to "the challenge" that woman delaying sex presents to them, but still doesn't mean that they like the woman in question.
Author Cinnamon Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 I thought I might try to tell him some white lies to help him accept that there is no hope for our relationship. For example, I might tell him that I had met another man or that my brother was going to move to my place (the guy wanted to move to my place). Could it work out well?
rafallus Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Hell no, avoid any contact. He will short-circuit your logic and stir up some urges in you to make you meet him and pound him yet again. Or maybe you secretly want it. :> An airhead needy woman can be fooled, but an astute woman is generally repulsed by the players. Then again, if they are really repulsed, sex is out of the question anyway, and no explicit game of withholding needs to be played.
Waffles Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I agree with most of the posts here, except ones that suggest that you try to end this in 'indirect' ways... like acting crazy, etc. Heh, just a joke. Why do you have sex with undesirable creeps that you know nothing about? Oh, you know us gals... You know something OP? I hope you've learnt from this. Hopefully there won't be any repeats.
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