pink24 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Curious!! Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Or is it a case of 'out of sight, out of mind?' Dumpers & dumpees please tell me your thoughts?
sabienne Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I think it does, but I also think it makes the heart stronger. Especially the broken heart.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I would say that it depends on the circumstances.
Author pink24 Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 From my experiences I would say yes. Interesting... billym100 - have you been the dumper or the dumpee and experienced this?
Author pink24 Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 I think it does, but I also think it makes the heart stronger. Especially the broken heart. Hi sabienne very interesting as I myself would be the 'dumpee' ... I dont know if I am feeling any stronger but I am hoping time will help. So do you think both the 'dumper' and the 'dumpee' will experince absence making the heart grow fonder?
Waffles Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Seems to make it go yonder more often than not. Of course, some of my ex-bfs were raging pr*cks. Not in the good way either.
smudge21 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I would say that it depends on the circumstances. This. Two examples, I was the dumper a few years ago and I knew that any feelings for her had gone, so when I ended it, that was it. We never spoke for a good 6 months (we're now just friends) and I never thought about her once. In my heart and my head, I'd moved on. Other side of things, I'm recently the dumpee and because my feelings were still very much there when things ended, I know that the time apart has made me just think about her more and more. Now my recent ex has occasionally made contact, just random stuff and even now admitted she's upset that we can't be friends. So in this situation she's the dumper and the lack of contact has made her care more, as opposed to when I was the dumper and I cared less. So it definitely depends on the circumstances and whether or not the feelings (on behalf of the dumper and dumpee) are still there.
mcfuzz Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I'm a dumpee. I'm feeling much better with not seeing her. I saw her on Sunday, and felt rubbish for most of Monday, really down and just generally gutted. As the week has gone on, I have focused on work, my life and myself and feel much better about things. So as it stands, yes I think absence makes me feel stronger
samm84 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 (edited) It really depends, there are so many variables. From my observations in both of my recent breakups, the women that have broken up with me have been most caring straight after the break up. They have been so caring that they appeared to be more emotionally attached to me in days after the break up, rather than the months that proceeded it. However after these few days in which I've often attempted to reconcile with them, and they have begun to find their feet and meet new people, their feelings towards me have completely vanished. This may seem cynical, but i think any fondness felt towards the dumpee after this time period will simply be nostalgic. It also depends on how much the dumper used to depend on the dumpee for emotional support while they were together, and how their quality of life has been without the dumpee in the picture. At the end of it all, this is question that doesn't need to be asked in the context of a breakup. From my own experience, wondering if my ex still misses me only inspires hope - hope that one day she might decide to reconcile. This hope is an impossible obstacle to overcome while I'm trying move on. Edited July 21, 2011 by samm84
TheHurtProcess Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 From my own experience, wondering if my ex still misses me only inspires hope - hope that one day she might decide to reconcile. This hope is an impossible obstacle to overcome while I'm trying move on. HOPE... Damn you HOPE!!!
fiat500 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 if you're a guy and the dumper then, no. You don't miss the dumpee.
English-Rose Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I guess you want to hear that dumpers hearts grow fonder! and I empathise with you as a fellow dumpee. But the sooner u stop thinking about stuff like that the better for your recovery. It's not any good going over old ground and hoping that if you think about it enough you can magically make him suddenly reappear and declare his undying love..... Ok stranger things have happened and very well might..... But what u need to do IMO is convince urself it's over for good and start looking forward rather than back at what's now gone. We are all guilty of it, me no less than anyone! You are too good and too valuable a person to allow a break up to make you doubt yourself. It's his loss, and by the time he realises it hopefully you'll be in a position to tell him to bog off
RodG Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 For my dumper, right now at least it is 'out of sight, out of mind'. She wants nothing to do with me. Who knows what she'll do in the future, though I'm pretty sure I won't hear from her again in any meaningful capacity. For me? As the dumpee it has done the opposite of grow fonder. It hurt like hell for about a month and a half. Wanted her back etc etc. Now I've realised what a piece of crap she really is.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 For my dumper, right now at least it is 'out of sight, out of mind'. She wants nothing to do with me. Who knows what she'll do in the future, though I'm pretty sure I won't hear from her again in any meaningful capacity. For me? As the dumpee it has done the opposite of grow fonder. It hurt like hell for about a month and a half. Wanted her back etc etc. Now I've realised what a piece of crap she really is. I know exactly what you're saying. Even if my ex did come back, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I'm afraid I'd have to tell her to go f**k herself. I have zero trust for that woman in the least. As far as what she's thinking, it could be either or. She's contacted me a few times since I went NC. Though I haven't replied, nor have I broken NC. Her attempts could be genuine or they could just be petty mind games in which she is trying to play.
todd Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 There was a saying by Gator12 on these forums awhile ago that went something like this... "Absence does to love what wind does to fire, it extinguishes the small, and enflames the great." If there was something there then absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if there was nothing left then out of sight, out of mind.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Curious!! Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Or is it a case of 'out of sight, out of mind?' Dumpers & dumpees please tell me your thoughts? Not normally in terms of dumpers. It usually only works when both hearts are fully fond. when one isnt, that heart is usually fond of someone else. But there are exceptions...
velociheart Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I'm a dumpee and I feel a little less attached day by day but I still feel a lot for my ex. I can't answer for him, though when I've contacted him there have been no pushes to get rid of me during conversation and he always picks up. Most of the time I've been the dumper and yes, there are times where you do think fondly of the person and other times..depending on the break up and circumstances that you just have no desire to care.
Ace82 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 It really depends, there are so many variables. From my own experience, wondering if my ex still misses me only inspires hope - hope that one day she might decide to reconcile. This hope is an impossible obstacle to overcome while I'm trying move on. I 100% agree with you. I found myself wondering about my ex even after she told me shes "talking" to someone. It not a good thing to think about them in that way, considering its over between you. Wondering if she/he misses you gives "hope" you shouldn't be looking for. I would say take the time to be happy..but im not, not yet. You must make corrections in your life style which in turn will make you more lively making you happy. You cant just be happy or force yourself to be happy, you gotta make some changes. My teacher used to say " challenge, and change", so challenge yourself to something(a personal goal) and achieve it, that will be a change. Take time, think about your relationship then make some corrections in your life FOR YOU. 7year relationship ended been 1.5months since, 3 weeks after break she met someone..i hurt..still am but getting better. Set goals and achieve them; i lost 10 pounds got a new job, and picked up small hobbies like reading novels again. Hey, i still think of her but i accept the fact...i had to but just keep your mind on challenge yourself and things will come together in time.
Art_Critic Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Yes it does... I do think though that how it works is that the human brain is designed to remember the good things and forget the bad things and I think over time we have a tendency to forget or gloss over the bad things in our lives and that makes us miss the good.
jchips Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Well, I'm the dumper, and my heart is neither growing fonder nor am I experiencing "out of sight, out of mind." It's more that I'm getting used to life without him, 2 months since the break up. I'm accepting that this is how it is, and I miss him like crazy, but I do not miss for one minute his addiction and how that impacted us each individually & how it destroyed the relationship. I can only speak for myself about my particular situation but here's my message to dumpees: If the dumper had a real issue with something you were doing (in my case, his addiction) or not doing (for example, not telling the truth about full-on relapses) and you REALLY want to be with the dumper- deal with the issue that got you kicked out the **** door. That would certainly make my heart much fonder. In fact, if my man came back to me clean and sober and had some serious sobriety under his belt, I'd take him back in a heartbeat. But until then, this heart is closed for business. Sorry if that's brutal, dumpees. Chalk it up to the anger phase of grieving. Some of us dumpers grieve the loss of love just as much as you do.
RodG Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I know exactly what you're saying. Even if my ex did come back, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I'm afraid I'd have to tell her to go f**k herself. I have zero trust for that woman in the least. As far as what she's thinking, it could be either or. She's contacted me a few times since I went NC. Though I haven't replied, nor have I broken NC. Her attempts could be genuine or they could just be petty mind games in which she is trying to play. I still miss what she was, though. She wasn't that bad. I have some very, very fond memories. I'm just really angry at this point. But hell, at least she doesn't play the mind games. I'm guessing absence will just make her forget me and move on, which is why she doesn't keep in contact (or another guy). Though it's hard for me to imagine never seeing her ever again. I'd love to visit her someday, maybe if I'm not as angry! (and there isn't another guy) We'll see what time and absence does with this girl. She's always been a little loopy.
t_i Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I think everyone finds breakups hard. My ex said yesterday that after NC - it was easy for him without me to remember all the good points and wonder why he broke up with me. But if he sat down and thought there were plenty of good reasons. However if they do miss you and it grows fonder - it will probably not be enough to fix whats broken. Best to use the time to move on and dont waste time on somthing which they wanted to be put firmly in the past.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I still miss what she was, though. She wasn't that bad. I have some very, very fond memories. I'm just really angry at this point. But hell, at least she doesn't play the mind games. I'm guessing absence will just make her forget me and move on, which is why she doesn't keep in contact (or another guy). Though it's hard for me to imagine never seeing her ever again. I'd love to visit her someday, maybe if I'm not as angry! (and there isn't another guy) We'll see what time and absence does with this girl. She's always been a little loopy. You'll get better at this. Let me fill you in on a crazy story that took place over the last few days or so... A couple of days ago, I ran into an ex girlfriend from high school. You could almost call us HS sweethearts. The relationship lasted the entire 4 years from freshman to senior year. We broke up shortly before graduation and things got insanely bitter. We haven't talked in over 10 years. Over the past couple of days we became really good friends. We talked on the phone for hours catching up. We met up at a bar and had some drinks, then I went back to her place and hung out and listened to music while we had a few more drinks. Nothing serious happened, but it was a good time. There are still slight feelings there between us both, I can sense it. Anyways, she's married now, has a house (a farm) and her husband makes great money. I knew him in high school as well. We weren't friends really nor did we hang out much at all, but he's really good to her, makes her happy and in turn, makes me happy. I apologized for some of the things that happened between us over ten years ago and all is well now. We spent two great days together, merely as best friends while her husband was gone on a trip. Like I said, nothing happened in the least. Just two ex-lovers who reunited after a decade as best friends, nothing more. She didn't cheat on her husband in the least. Her husband came home a couple days ago and we haven't really talked since. I really don't count on it either. She's a housewife and he can get somewhat jealous. Considering I'm her first serious relationship, he probably wouldn't like that she was hanging out with me to begin with. I just hope that my future wife can feel as though she can tell me the honest truth. It was good to see her and I'm glad that we could make amends after so many years. For the longest of times, there was a complete grudge between the two of us. It made me feel less stressed out about my current ex. Just imagine how you might feel about your ex a decade from now. It's definitely not going to be the same. This pain is only temporary. Just remember that. It's sad, because at first I kept saying that I knew that I had to get over her, but I didn't want to have to get over her. Eventually I will and I will have no control over it. I'll miss the times as well as my feelings, but it's for the best. It's amazing thinking about what the future just might have in store for us. I miss my ex (the most current one) too. But the person I met 3 years ago isn't who she is today. That person is dead and buried. I personally don't like this new person in the least. She is now just a shell of her former self. It's sad but true.
LZ2000 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 For most people, it does work, I believe. I know i may sound too simple in my reply, but this really is a perfect explanation: There was a saying by Gator12 on these forums awhile ago that went something like this... "Absence does to love what wind does to fire, it extinguishes the small, and enflames the great." If there was something there then absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if there was nothing left then out of sight, out of mind.
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