stray Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I went out on a date tonight and it was horrible. I felt like crying; I couldn't stop thinking of my ex. Several other recent dates had the same result. I cannot trust men anymore - I'm nervous around them and afraid of them. I've even contemplated being lesbian. I feel like I should give up on ever finding love. The only thing I'm good at it seems, is work and school. I've done school part time for years to leave open a space for a relationship, but all my boyfriends have left me. This last one after an abortion. I never heard from him again. I'm considering a PhD program on the east coast (I'm in Los Angeles currently). It would take up my full time well into my early-mid 30s, and leave me no room for any relationship. I hate to leave the hope behind, but everyday I have this hope is another day I could be making some kind of difference in the world. I'd also be leaving my family behind. But I just don't know what else to do. I wanted to be married and have kids by now (I'm 28). My sister had a baby 3 days ago, she's 31 and has three kids now. I want what she has, but I don't think I can have it. I'm fun, very nice, attractive - but it's simply "not good enough" here in LA. I'm sad to make this choice to give up on relationships, but I feel like I almost have no choice. This "hope" has become an unhealthy crutch. This post is semi-pointless. Just very sad right now and had to share with people who wouldn't judge me.
thelovingkind Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Yep, you're not ready, that's all. My first date back (which was not even a date so much as a friendly night out) was so miserable that I actually felt like I was cheating on my ex, I was that attached to him still. After a break up everything feels like a permanent shift in your psyche. Some changes will be permanent, and for the better, but believe me when I say you will feel comfortable meeting new people again and appreciating them for who they are and not who they're not. It's a wonderful feeling when you get there, but you've still got a way to go yet. Hang in there.
Ajax Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I cannot trust men anymore - I'm nervous around them and afraid of them. I've even contemplated being lesbian. I feel like I should give up on ever finding love. Well if you're attracted to women and you think that you would be happy in a relationship with one then by all means. But if it's simply that you don't trust men anymore and you're "switching sides" then I don't think that's fair to yourself, men, or a potential female lover who might get hurt in the process. And just because men have hurt you in the past doesn't mean another woman wouldn't either. If you've read posts on here it's pretty clear that men don't have a monopoly on being insincere and hurtful. And it's also unfair to yourself to compare your life to anyone elses, especially your sisters. Everyone has their own path and their own timeline. Stay true to yourself.
Nohbody Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Maybe instead of dating you should take up boxing. If you feel nervous and afraid of men, there is nothing that will help your self confidence quite like knowing you can floor a dude with an overhand right.
Author stray Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Thanks for the responses. I will take it all into consideration. As for the boxing thing, I have been doing this workout called "Insanity" (it's a video workout) with my guy friend and that has helped a lot to get my mind off things. My friend whom I do the workout with has lost 15 lbs in a month (I haven't lost any weight because I'm already quite small, but I've become much stronger). But it's a great workout that has immediate results, I've seen it with my own eyes. I would suggest it for any guy; for a girl it's a little "insane" (hence the name). And yeah, I don't think I'm gay. But it's weird, this is the first time in my life where I've actually been scared in the company of men. I'm a notorious rebounder, I've literally been in relationships for a solid 13 years out of my total 28 years. But now I just want to hang out with my girlfriends and like, cuddle with them and watch movies, like I normally would with a guy. I don't want to get with them or anything, I just want to be with them. And I don't think of guys sexually at all anymore. I don't think of anyone sexually. I don't even think of sex, period. It's just a bizarre mental state I've reached and I don't know what it means or how to respond to it. But I think it's just that I'm not over my ex annd maybe the abortion has a more profound subconscious effect on me than I'd realized. In any case, another dawn another day.
Ajax Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 . And I don't think of guys sexually at all anymore. I don't think of anyone sexually. I don't even think of sex, period. It's just a bizarre mental state I've reached and I don't know what it means or how to respond to it. But I think it's just that I'm not over my ex annd maybe the abortion has a more profound subconscious effect on me than I'd realized. In any case, another dawn another day. This I can relate to. In probably the first six months after my ex left me my sex drive was non-existant. As for the abortion, obviously I can't speak to that, but I think it's certainly a possibility. Is there anyone you can talk to about it?
KathyM Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I went out on a date tonight and it was horrible. I felt like crying; I couldn't stop thinking of my ex. Several other recent dates had the same result. I cannot trust men anymore - I'm nervous around them and afraid of them. I've even contemplated being lesbian. I feel like I should give up on ever finding love. The only thing I'm good at it seems, is work and school. I've done school part time for years to leave open a space for a relationship, but all my boyfriends have left me. This last one after an abortion. I never heard from him again. I'm considering a PhD program on the east coast (I'm in Los Angeles currently). It would take up my full time well into my early-mid 30s, and leave me no room for any relationship. I hate to leave the hope behind, but everyday I have this hope is another day I could be making some kind of difference in the world. I'd also be leaving my family behind. But I just don't know what else to do. I wanted to be married and have kids by now (I'm 28). My sister had a baby 3 days ago, she's 31 and has three kids now. I want what she has, but I don't think I can have it. I'm fun, very nice, attractive - but it's simply "not good enough" here in LA. I'm sad to make this choice to give up on relationships, but I feel like I almost have no choice. This "hope" has become an unhealthy crutch. This post is semi-pointless. Just very sad right now and had to share with people who wouldn't judge me. You just haven't found the right one yet. It takes weeding through a lot of frogs before you find a keeper among them. There are a lot of nice men in L.A., you just haven't found them yet. I'm wondering if you're looking in the wrong places. No need to leave, there are a lot of worthy causes right here in L.A. (I live here too) if you want to get involved in something fulfilling or beneficial to mankind. Just do a search of volunteer opportunities and you'll find a lot of things you could do. That would actually be a good way of coming in contact with quality people that share your ideals or passions. Another way would be to take classes in college. You meet fellow students that would make good dating material. I know a lot of very good quality men who are college students or recent graduates in the L.A. area. Lots of colleges here in California. No need to go out east. Men are pretty much the same no matter where you go. Some are good, some aren't. Just gotta keep weeding through the pond scum before you find the prize. I know dating life can be the pitts, but there's no way of getting around that. My sister is going through that right now after two divorces, and she says she hates dating. Lot of jerks out there. It's discouraging, but you still gotta trudge through regardless. Keep looking. Get involved in a lot of things, and look in the right places, and you're bound to find someone good eventually. Just remember that quality seeks quality. You have to live up to the standard if you aspire to those standards in a mate.
nikkinicole36 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Stray what you said about wanting to cuddle with your girlfriends but not be sexual with them, sounds more like what you're really missing is nuturing and comforting. You've been looking for that in your relationships, since you're obviously trying to replace what you didn't truly receive growing up. You've gone from relationship to relationship trying to heal something deep within you. I don't think you are gay at all, just seeking that comfort. What you honestly have to do now is give that to yourself. No relationship, whether with a man or a woman can provide that to you. Honestly until you learn to trust and take care of yourself, you cannot expect someone else to do it for you. There is honestly no short cut around that. Trust me I've learned the hard way. I've been reading up on this process called inner bonding, which is essentially healing your inner child by providing all of the nuturing, comforting and love that you missed out on as a child. It's teaching me to heal from the inside out. I think too if you can get yourself into some counseling, it might help you a lot. What you described in your posts sounds like someone who is missing self-love more than anything. I think too with men, your fear of abondonment and getting hurt is taking over and kind of chocking all of the good things out of your life. I know how you feel about the life situation. I'm two months away from being 29 and I feel the pressure to want a solid relationship and a family, but I do know that forcing or rushing to get that has usually gotten me into bad relationships where I compromise and give up who I am. Society is not exactly kind on women. We receive a lot of pressure to be thin, pretty, sexy, and acomplish all of these amazing feats along with raising children. Maybe now is a good time to focus on you and get you together. I live in the Los Angeles area so if you're ever looking to make a new friend just send me a PM. Part of my healing myself is expanding to make new friends and build the support system I never received growing up. I think too you just have to gentle on yourself, because you're doing a lot of self beating about where you currently are in your life. This is your journey and it doesn't have to be perfect. Your first goal and priority however has to be to yourself and making you truly happy before you can turn your focus to a relationship. I wish you the best!
Author stray Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Regarding the abortion, yes there are people I can talk to about it. But it wasn't really an experience I've having a hard time "coming to terms with" per se. Having a child at that point would have been a terrible idea. But after watching my sister have a baby a few days ago (like I saw the baby come out and take his first breath, what a trip) - I realized the pregnancy was way more than just an inconvenience. It was a PERSON. I'm still very pro-choice, but I'm just saddened that my ex doesn't and will never care that I was carrying his son or daughter, and what an amazing thing that really is (was). I at least acknowledge that it's truly amazing. He saw it simply as a "bummer". Unbelievable. I think I just never, ever, ever, want to...put myself, or an unborn person in such a position, ever again. I know that doesn't make sense and sounds kind of crazy. "You have to live up to the standard if you aspire to those standards in a mate. " - I agree with this 100%. The dating scene in LA is horrendous though, at least for me. My date last night said he gets weekly facials and had just bought a $150 yoga mat. For me, fun is hanging out with the nerds at Caltech or learning a new skill (learning to crochet tomorrow!) with my girlfriends. I'm just so "not LA". I feel like the east coast would be a better scene for me...in all respects. I do take classes, and I love the people in my classes, school is my favorite part of my life. But I'll be done with my Master's soon and I'm really starting to freak out about that. I can't imagine life without a boyfriend AND school. My life would literally feel meaningless. I think for now, I'm going to apply to the phd programs in LA and the east coast and just get the options available to me. And if I don't meet anyone in the meantime, then I'll assume maybe my life purpose isn't kids/love/family - but maybe research or something that can help mankind and what not. And I can accept that (over time). I know that sounds really tree-huggerish or whatever, but ceis la vie.
Author stray Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 And yes, I would really like to know more about this "inner bonding". Do you suggest any books?
KathyM Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Regarding the abortion, yes there are people I can talk to about it. But it wasn't really an experience I've having a hard time "coming to terms with" per se. Having a child at that point would have been a terrible idea. But after watching my sister have a baby a few days ago (like I saw the baby come out and take his first breath, what a trip) - I realized the pregnancy was way more than just an inconvenience. It was a PERSON. I'm still very pro-choice, but I'm just saddened that my ex doesn't and will never care that I was carrying his son or daughter, and what an amazing thing that really is (was). I at least acknowledge that it's truly amazing. He saw it simply as a "bummer". Unbelievable. I think I just never, ever, ever, want to...put myself, or an unborn person in such a position, ever again. I know that doesn't make sense and sounds kind of crazy. "You have to live up to the standard if you aspire to those standards in a mate. " - I agree with this 100%. The dating scene in LA is horrendous though, at least for me. My date last night said he gets weekly facials and had just bought a $150 yoga mat. For me, fun is hanging out with the nerds at Caltech or learning a new skill (learning to crochet tomorrow!) with my girlfriends. I'm just so "not LA". I feel like the east coast would be a better scene for me...in all respects. I do take classes, and I love the people in my classes, school is my favorite part of my life. But I'll be done with my Master's soon and I'm really starting to freak out about that. I can't imagine life without a boyfriend AND school. My life would literally feel meaningless. I think for now, I'm going to apply to the phd programs in LA and the east coast and just get the options available to me. And if I don't meet anyone in the meantime, then I'll assume maybe my life purpose isn't kids/love/family - but maybe research or something that can help mankind and what not. And I can accept that (over time). I know that sounds really tree-huggerish or whatever, but ceis la vie. That sounds like a good plan. Apply to various colleges, and work on getting your PhD. Find something you feel passionate about and make a difference for the good of mankind. Somewhere along the way, while you're focusing on that, I think you'll meet some quality people. But whether or not the right one ever comes along, you'll have a great life if you focus on becoming actualized--becoming your best self.
nikkinicole36 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I can't imagine life without a boyfriend AND school. My life would literally feel meaningless. I think for now, I'm going to apply to the phd programs in LA and the east coast and just get the options available to me. And if I don't meet anyone in the meantime, then I'll assume maybe my life purpose isn't kids/love/family - but maybe research or something that can help mankind and what not. And I can accept that (over time). I think you are far to young to give up on love and having a family. Women are having children well into their 40's. Dating is hard, there is no lying about that, but there is no reason to lump yourself into the lonely and destitude group just yet. I think part of the problem is really just your self-esteem. It's sounds like you don't really honestly love yourself or see your worth. If you can't imagine your life without external things, then you're going to be doomed to need external things to make you feel happy or go about yourself. The books I'm currently reading on inner bonding is called Inner Bonding and Healing Your Aloneness. Both are by Margaret Paul.
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