dontevenknowanymore Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 i broke up with my girlfriend of 8 months due to a combination of GIGS and intense family problems. a few weeks later we decided friends and hanging out would be ok. the second time we hung out after breaking up, i talked about wanting to be in an open relationship. she wasnt for it at first but we had sex by the end of the night. this opened up all kinds of feelings, and after a lot of thinking, i realized that i wanted her back. she responded by saying that she didn't know if we could ever date again, that i hurt her too much. she went on a trip for 3 weeks and we talked during that. i told her a lot about how much i regretted all of what i did, what i would do to change, etc. and i sent her her favorite flowers with a note about missing her. however there was another dude she had started talking to often, and when she got back, things got to the point where they were hanging out every day and at least kissing. we had plans to go on a weekend trip when she got back, but she cancelled on me. i flipped out, as i had been looking forward to going for the 3 months she had been gone. i went to a concert alone (i was supposed to go with her) to find her and the other guy there together. she tried to talk to me and i said that i was fine and that i didn't want to talk to her and later texted her angrily about remembering why i broke up with her and about how she could do a lot better than this new guy. a few days and drunken texts later and i told her that i did not want to hang out at all, and that she could get a hold of me if she ever decided that she wanted to try things again. a few days after this and she is already messaging me about how she has something she bought me on her trip that she wants to give me. my question, loveshack.org community, is if, in this situation, NC is a good idea (with regards to winning her back), or if i would be better to pursue her (albeit in a more level headed manner). the few times dating again was brought up, it always came down to her needing more time. i don't know how to take this, and any help is greatly appreciated. i can go into more detail if need be.
Chuck Bartowski Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I will skip all the other advice I would give and cut straight to answering your question. Since you are unable to keep your cool and just let things just happen... You are going to fail miserably, come off looking like a psycho and end up pushing her away further. Have you ever thought or considered how you acted when you won her over the first time? Did you "go off" on her when she was unable to see you or changed plans when you first started dating? Do you think that approach would have worked back then? If not, why do it now? For you, I suggest No contact until you are 100% completely over her or she tells you she wants you back. You are not in place or condition to have a prayer in getting her back at the moment. No, you can't fake it either... so don't even try! Trust me! I would listen to Homebrew's advice. He is a man of sound wisdom in these matters. If you don't believe me, look up some of his threads and read them. You will see things a whole lot differently.
Author dontevenknowanymore Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 i definitely appreciate the advice, especially since it is exactly what i needed to hear. i know i blew it this round, and you're right, it is not at all the way i acted the first time around. i thought this time was different and that i had to put in a lot of work and emotion because she told me that i'd changed during the relationship and that i quit caring. i mistook caring for being needy. i suppose my next question is, do you think that eventually, when this guy fades from the picture (painfully obvious that he is a rebound), do i try again?
Author dontevenknowanymore Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 also, do i take the messages about wanting to give me what she bought me as breadcrumbs? it seems very much like she is just trying to bring me back around as someone she can depend on and be sure of if whoever else doesn't work out, and that's definitely the last thing i want.
wilsonx Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 im actually curious about this...never mind, i read the entire quote. I just skipped to the homebrew post without reading the quote haha
Author dontevenknowanymore Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 sure, i'd like to hear it. i can keep my composure, i've done it before.
wilsonx Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 If she has any sort of dignity or respect, there's no chance. You are done. Doesn't matter if shes on a rebound or not. She will never trust you not to do the same thing again no matter how much she has feelings for you. Accept that she has moved on and you do the same... want to know how i know... i am a recent dumpee of the same type of situation. 2 months out, I will never trust her again not to do this... shes 8 months out?
Author dontevenknowanymore Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 no, it has only been about a month since we broke up. she will come back around, she knows that i am serious about the changes i'm willing to make and am making right now, it is not a question of that. i am just trying to work on my strategy, and i am curious about homebrew's suggestion.
Author dontevenknowanymore Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 the only reason this seems faulty has to do with the fact that i've already let her know that i am going no contact, and that she has told me that they are not dating and that she does not wish to be dating anyone. i think it would be better to leave things alone completely at this point. when i told her i was going no contact, i did not tell her that it was ok to talk to me if things with the other guy didn't work out, i told her the only time i wanted to hear from her was if she decided that she wanted to try things again. those are two very different things.
wilsonx Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 the only reason this seems faulty has to do with the fact that i've already let her know that i am going no contact, and that she has told me that they are not dating and that she does not wish to be dating anyone. i think it would be better to leave things alone completely at this point. when i told her i was going no contact, i did not tell her that it was ok to talk to me if things with the other guy didn't work out, i told her the only time i wanted to hear from her was if she decided that she wanted to try things again. those are two very different things. I know your intentions behind this but this was actually not that good of an idea because you pretty much labeled yourself as a plan B or plan C and she can actually use you for an emotional/physical crutch if she wanted to down the road. I would never want to be someone's plan B or C personally. But as far as future Mess Ups that you would like to fix. If you want some sort of reconciliation shot in the future that doesn't out right say it say this. Dear <Name>. I think its time for both of us to move on with our lives. Right now, its not a good idea for us to be friends but who knows what the future may bring. <YourName>
Author dontevenknowanymore Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 i told her that it didn't mean that i was going to sit around and wait for her to came back, and that i was going to get my respect for myself back, and then i told her that i meant what i said about the changes i'm willing to make. i understand a lot of the logic on this website, and i know that they are necessary to a certain extent, but you guys all need to back off a little bit with all of the games and the manipulations. there is a difference between holding your cards close to your chest/having a level head and approaching every situation like some kind of play strategy. the best and most exciting part about loving someone is the risk, and to never put yourself out there due to fear of being rejected again, or to always over analyze every situation or thought, that just seems to take all of the excitement and fun out of everything.
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