SensitiveTJ Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Ok, so let me introduce myself. I am 24, male, and have been in a relationship with a girl for around 6 months. Now, I've known for a long time that I am a jealous man and as a result I don't talk about my sexual experiences with my partners, and I would appreciate it if my partners would do the same. Unfortunately, it didn't happen. I was in bed the other night with my girlfriend, being intimate. She asked me if I wanted to try something new we hadn't done before. I asked her what she had in mind, and she suggested a sex act that is a bit "out there" and which I had never done before. Initially I was very nervous, both because I had never done this and because I didn't expect my gf to suggest this. But we did it. Afterwards, we were laying there together when she dropped the jealousy bombshell: "I hope you liked that, I've only done that with one other person." I felt like I had been shot in the stomach, and wanted to vomit. Once again, I do not discuss intimate details and this is why. Thank you very much for the mental picture of you doing this with another man. As you might imagine, I was extremely upset. Perhaps naively, I had assumed that the two of us were both exploring new ground together, and I was wrong obviously. It really bothers me that my gf did this with another guy and that she would just hit me in the face with that information. Even though I know better, I always like to pretend that I'm the first, lol. When I talked to my gf about this, our conversation ended a mixed bag. I told her I was very upset that she would tell me this unwanted information, and she did apologize. But to be honest, her attitude on this subject just really pisses me off. Basically, her position is that in a committed relationship, it's the woman's duty to do whatever the man wants in the bedroom. Which sounds great-except for the fact that she's done EVERYTHING with her previous partners. Really. There's nothing new for the two of us to explore together. And that kind of sucks. Perhaps I'm just a bit conservative, but I'm not the type of guy to go for "out-there" sex and I definitely would not ask a partner for anything weird or unusual. And it does bug me that she has nothing left to show me that someone else hasn't already seen. It seems really insulting to me that she would do everything in the sexual world with someone else, tell me about it, and expect me to have no judgmental reaction. Tell me if I'm wrong here, Loveshack. I await your opinions.
Finch Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I don't think your girlfriend did anything wrong in telling you she had done this before, or in getting into some more extreme sex acts in previous relationships. You have no right to judge her based on her past. This is about your hang-ups, not her. You need to take complete responsibility for your jealousy and anger. While you can request that she refrain from informing you about any past lovers and sexual experiences she's had, it is up to you to deal with the underlying problem that causes your significant others' sexual pasts to be so difficult for you to accept. If this is such an issue for you, then you need to either find someone who has no sexual experience at all, (therefore everything you do together will be "new") or someone who feels exactly the same way you do about kissing and telling and you can both keep quiet about your pasts. You also might want to consider finding someone who has more conservative sexual interests closer to your own.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Perhaps I'm just a bit conservative, but I'm not the type of guy to go for "out-there" sex and I definitely would not ask a partner for anything weird or unusual. And it does bug me that she has nothing left to show me that someone else hasn't already seen. It seems really insulting to me that she would do everything in the sexual world with someone else, tell me about it, and expect me to have no judgmental reaction. Tell me if I'm wrong here, Loveshack. I await your opinions. Yes, you have a right to be upset. She needs to keep her trap shut as sexual history is one of your boundaries. It's pretty much the same as her saying I don't want to do this sex act... and then you just forcing it on her. It's Bullsh** and she does not have a right to violate your boundaries like that. That said... it is your job to make sure she knows what makes you uncomfortable... and then hold her to it. I don't think your girlfriend did anything wrong in telling you she had done this before, or in getting into some more extreme sex acts in previous relationships. You have no right to judge her based on her past. This is about your hang-ups, not her. You need to take complete responsibility for your jealousy and anger. While you can request that she refrain from informing you about any past lovers and sexual experiences she's had, it is up to you to deal with the underlying problem that causes your significant others' sexual pasts to be so difficult for you to accept. She is 110% in the wrong here and should have apologized. The moment I hear someone say "you don't have a right to judge me"... I instantly know I'm dealing with a selfish idiot who is ashamed of themselves. Making judgement is what life is ALL ABOUT. That includes making judgement about other people. Some guy on the street corner asks me for some spare change... and whether I give it to him or not requires me to make a judgement. You judge every person you have ever been on a date with... so stop sniveling about this... it's part of life... whine all day it won't change. At what point is it appropriate right after sex to bring up having sex with an ex? WTF? "Shooting ping pong balls out my butt during sex is great. I really enjoyed it with you Bob... I did it once with Steve too"
Ginger Beer Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I don't think your girlfriend did anything wrong in telling you she had done this before, or in getting into some more extreme sex acts in previous relationships. You have no right to judge her based on her past. This is about your hang-ups, not her. You need to take complete responsibility for your jealousy and anger. While you can request that she refrain from informing you about any past lovers and sexual experiences she's had, it is up to you to deal with the underlying problem that causes your significant others' sexual pasts to be so difficult for you to accept. If this is such an issue for you, then you need to either find someone who has no sexual experience at all, (therefore everything you do together will be "new") or someone who feels exactly the same way you do about kissing and telling and you can both keep quiet about your pasts. You also might want to consider finding someone who has more conservative sexual interests closer to your own. Wouldn't that be near enough impossible though?
Ginger Beer Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Ok, so let me introduce myself. I am 24, male, and have been in a relationship with a girl for around 6 months. Now, I've known for a long time that I am a jealous man and as a result I don't talk about my sexual experiences with my partners, and I would appreciate it if my partners would do the same. Unfortunately, it didn't happen. I was in bed the other night with my girlfriend, being intimate. She asked me if I wanted to try something new we hadn't done before. I asked her what she had in mind, and she suggested a sex act that is a bit "out there" and which I had never done before. Initially I was very nervous, both because I had never done this and because I didn't expect my gf to suggest this. But we did it. Afterwards, we were laying there together when she dropped the jealousy bombshell: "I hope you liked that, I've only done that with one other person." I felt like I had been shot in the stomach, and wanted to vomit. Once again, I do not discuss intimate details and this is why. Thank you very much for the mental picture of you doing this with another man. As you might imagine, I was extremely upset. Perhaps naively, I had assumed that the two of us were both exploring new ground together, and I was wrong obviously. It really bothers me that my gf did this with another guy and that she would just hit me in the face with that information. Even though I know better, I always like to pretend that I'm the first, lol. When I talked to my gf about this, our conversation ended a mixed bag. I told her I was very upset that she would tell me this unwanted information, and she did apologize. But to be honest, her attitude on this subject just really pisses me off. Basically, her position is that in a committed relationship, it's the woman's duty to do whatever the man wants in the bedroom. Which sounds great-except for the fact that she's done EVERYTHING with her previous partners. Really. There's nothing new for the two of us to explore together. And that kind of sucks. Perhaps I'm just a bit conservative, but I'm not the type of guy to go for "out-there" sex and I definitely would not ask a partner for anything weird or unusual. And it does bug me that she has nothing left to show me that someone else hasn't already seen. It seems really insulting to me that she would do everything in the sexual world with someone else, tell me about it, and expect me to have no judgmental reaction. Tell me if I'm wrong here, Loveshack. I await your opinions. I know the feeling, you're not in the wrong.
Lucky_One Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Ok, so let me introduce myself. I am 24, male, and have been in a relationship with a girl for around 6 months. Now, I've known for a long time that I am a jealous man and as a result I don't talk about my sexual experiences with my partners, and I would appreciate it if my partners would do the same. Have you been absolutely frank with your GF about this, from the very beginning? I mean saying something like "Honey, no matter what you may have done with anyone else, I never, ever want to hear about it. It makes me sick to have a mental image of you doing the things that I consider so intimate with someone else, so I will never mention sexual activity with my XGFs and I would appreciate it if you would do the same." If you have not made it 100% clear that you don't want to hear about this, then no, I don't think she did anything wrong or insulting. (I do find your use of the term 'insulting' odd, to be honest.) Which sounds great-except for the fact that she's done EVERYTHING with her previous partners. Really. There's nothing new for the two of us to explore together. And that kind of sucks. You are being a bit dramatic and naive, I can promise you. I can remember laying in bed with my current H after probably our 500th time of having sex and saying "It is amazing how there can always be something different, every time we make love." And it was true; there was something different every time. Please don't think that love-making is so vanilla that you can't do things differently, even if you aren't into kinky. Perhaps I'm just a bit conservative, but I'm not the type of guy to go for "out-there" sex and I definitely would not ask a partner for anything weird or unusual. And it does bug me that she has nothing left to show me that someone else hasn't already seen. I think that this is an issue that goes far and beyond your being upset that she shared with you a sexual act with a past partner. I am afraid you are going to struggle with this the rest of your life, if you aren't able to come to grips with it now. I would suggest counseling, but I sort of get the idea that you aren't the sort of guy to go for that.
make me believe Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Have you been absolutely frank with your GF about this, from the very beginning? I mean saying something like "Honey, no matter what you may have done with anyone else, I never, ever want to hear about it. It makes me sick to have a mental image of you doing the things that I consider so intimate with someone else, so I will never mention sexual activity with my XGFs and I would appreciate it if you would do the same." If you have not made it 100% clear that you don't want to hear about this, then no, I don't think she did anything wrong or insulting. (I do find your use of the term 'insulting' odd, to be honest.) You are being a bit dramatic and naive, I can promise you. I can remember laying in bed with my current H after probably our 500th time of having sex and saying "It is amazing how there can always be something different, every time we make love." And it was true; there was something different every time. Please don't think that love-making is so vanilla that you can't do things differently, even if you aren't into kinky. I think that this is an issue that goes far and beyond your being upset that she shared with you a sexual act with a past partner. I am afraid you are going to struggle with this the rest of your life, if you aren't able to come to grips with it now. I would suggest counseling, but I sort of get the idea that you aren't the sort of guy to go for that. I agree with everything you said, LuckyOne. TJ, what you're feeling is common but that doesn't mean it's healthy or ok. You're not your GF's first guy, and you need to learn how to accept that. At the same time that doesn't mean you have to be ok with hearing details of her past, and you can (and should) tell her up front that you don't want to hear ANYTHING. Unfortunately you are stuck with knowing what she's already told you.. But yeah, you are being a little dramatic, especially when you say that there is nothing new for the two of you to explore because she's done "everything" with her past partners. First of all, it's guaranteed to be new to her because she's never done it WITH YOU. I know that sounds like BS but it's true. Having sex with my husband is completely different than it was with anyone else I've been with. Part of that is because of our emotional connection, but also each new partner does things differently & offers up a new experience both physically & emotionally. Also, there's no way she's done "everything" -- you might just be lacking imagination. If you're really concerned about exploring something completely new with her, then get creative. Blindfolds, new positions, new locations, a whole evening of sexy playtime, etc. (Ok maybe I'm not the most creative person myself, given those examples. lol)
sm1tten Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 If you made your boundaries clear and she then crossed them, then she is in the wrong. But to me it didn't sound like she was being manipulative or trying to make you jealous. It sounded like a mixture of "I have no idea if that was any good, I hope you liked it" mixed with "I know that was kind of out there, and I've only done this one other time, but I wanted to try this with you." Timing was waaaay off there but maybe she wasn't thinking. I understand the sentiment but I probably wouldn't have said that. But even still, your issues with her sexual past are YOUR problem and your problem alone. Why should your partner be "saving" experiences to share with a person they hadn't even met yet? You weren't saving yourself for her. It seems incredibly selfish to me that you expect her to have your same conservative values just so that YOU can be the first one to try new things with her. If you would prefer that she not tell you whether you're the first or not, that's fine. A bit deluded, but that's your preference. But the fact that you like to "pretend" that you're the first suggests that you feel threatened by her past sexual experiences, and that's what you really need to either get over or get out of the relationship about. Because irregardless of whether she's talking about it, you're clearing thinking about it and having a negative reaction to it.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 If you made your boundaries clear and she then crossed them, then she is in the wrong. But to me it didn't sound like she was being manipulative or trying to make you jealous. It sounded like a mixture of "I have no idea if that was any good, I hope you liked it" mixed with "I know that was kind of out there, and I've only done this one other time, but I wanted to try this with you." Timing was waaaay off there but maybe she wasn't thinking. I understand the sentiment but I probably wouldn't have said that. But even still, your issues with her sexual past are YOUR problem and your problem alone. Why should your partner be "saving" experiences to share with a person they hadn't even met yet? You weren't saving yourself for her. It seems incredibly selfish to me that you expect her to have your same conservative values just so that YOU can be the first one to try new things with her. If you would prefer that she not tell you whether you're the first or not, that's fine. A bit deluded, but that's your preference. But the fact that you like to "pretend" that you're the first suggests that you feel threatened by her past sexual experiences, and that's what you really need to either get over or get out of the relationship about. Because irregardless of whether she's talking about it, you're clearing thinking about it and having a negative reaction to it. The bolded part. Yes, she has bad timing. I agree with you there. However, you can't expect her to have waited for you or not tried anything. You can expect her to not mention anything to you ever again. I have the same policy with my boyfriend.
Chocolat Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I see two different issues here. The first one is whether it's reasonable to expect your gf not to have done "everything" before she was with you. I'd say this is not reasonable. Even if she'd ony had one partner before you, it's possible they were very adventurous and covered a lot of territory. Issue #2 is whether it's appropriate to discuss sexual activities that occurred with a prior partner. IMO, this is never appropriate, unless both current partners have explicitly established that this is a conversation they want to have. I also don't think partners should be compared, whether in terms of activity, appearance, feeling, or anything else. I am not naive. I understand that people come to relationships with histories. But knowing abstractly that my new man has had sex (maybe totally great, knock-his-socks-off sex) with a prior partner is quite different from hearing him wax poetic about it... especially when he is naked in bed with me!
robdrm32 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 OP, i'd say your reaction is understandable, but you are taking it too far. Set the boundary. "I don't want to hear about your ex's unless i ask" She had some bad timing, and bad taste saying that but you gotta let it go and move forward. I don't know anyone that wants to hear about their partner's sexual escapades.
Author SensitiveTJ Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate them. Like someone said, I'm not judging my girlfriend for having a sexual past. I have one too. My problem is that she would bring this up in the present in a very insensitive way. Plus, I'm still not on board with what she said about her attitude towards sex-that in a relationship the woman should never say no towards anything the man might want. Obviously, some people have taken advantage of her attitude to go way beyond my personal boundaries, of things I would ever ask or want from another person. And it bugs me that she would be very frank about this and nonchalant. Again, I know I'm being judg-ey, but am I a bad person for perhaps not wanting to be with someone who is apparently ok with being basically a sexual plaything for another man? I just have a hard time imagining myself spending the rest of my life with someone with that kind of attitude/history.
sm1tten Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Your actual problem is that you don't respect your girlfriend. You're not a bad person, you're a bad boyfriend. From your first post, you appear to have no problem with her being a sexual plaything for you and only you, but not with anyone else. In your second post, you described her as being really nonchalant and frank about her attitude towards sex in a relationship, I don't think anyone took "advantage" of her. She did it because she wanted to AND it was in the context of actual relationships. If you cannot accept that about her then you are in a relationship with the wrong person. You said I'm not judging my girlfriend for having a sexual past. and then followed that with I know I'm being judg-ey and questioning whether you want to be with her based on her attitudes towards sex with her previous partners. And frankly, I don't agree that anyone has to do what their partner wants irregardless of their own desires, needs, or wants. But her words (coming from you as the filter) sound a lot more like a woman who is interested in pleasing her partner and perhaps catering to them, not a woman who is just letting men use her sexually. I think you are right to question whether you should be with this woman because she and you both deserve someone who is more inline with their values in an intimate relationship.
Chi townD Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Oh believe me TJ, I know exactly how you feel. But, I had to tell myself. She's with me now. She's dedicated to me, she's loyal to me. So, just forget her past. She's my present and hopefully future. I had the same problem, but mine was a little different. The girl I was with had pretty much has done everything. So, I understand that you would want for something to be a first for each of you. However, I asked one time to try something a little....different only to get the door slammed on me. " Oh no! I tried that with my Ex and I didn't enjoy it. I'm not doing that." Then, I'm like, "Oh, you mean the Ex that treated you like dirt and insulted you on a daily basis AND cheated on you? You're okay to do that with him, but I treat you right, treat you like a princess; honor and cherish our time together and I get the big goose egg?" Needless to say, it kinda killed the mood for both of us.
April72 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I totally totally totally understand. I have also posted many threads about this very thing. I went to my SO and asked if there was one thing he had never done with any other women and that he would share with only me. Maybe a fantasy he never acted out or fetish. He and I are not young... so I knew we both have past. Of course I expected him to jump and the chance and instead he basically told me he had done everything he had ever wanted to do in his 20's. And he's sure there is stuff he hasn't done but he doesn't know what it is. REALLY???? wow... nothing. done it all. been there done that.... nothing left. WOW!!! I was furious. I almost broke up with him. The hurt anger and jealousy still flare up from time to time. Posting on here and getting feedback has helped. But the main thing that has helped me is to remember that he had all that in his past and in his memories... from the very first time we talked... went out.... had sex. It's always been there.... me knowing doesn't change the event or his memory of it. So I have to decide what to do with knowing it. Seems to helping. It really sucks knowing that I will never be his fantasy girl or the best he's ever had because a string of whores in his twenties got all those titles. It would be nice to know I was something special besides Ms. Right here Right now. I totally get it.
April72 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 (edited) oh and let me add... I was asking for something he had never done. I mean even though we are in our 40's I thought surely there is one thing... just one atleast. And instead of being told what he hadn't done got told everything he had done!!!!!!!!!!! And I didn't want to know. For 1 1/2 I lived in blissful ignorance. So i had to remember all that time together it was already there I just didn't know. The 6 mo.s of best friends before hand. it was all still there.... if he had never told me. I might not have had to accept it and come to terms with it. (which I'm still in the process) but it still would have been there. The whold thing left me feeling worthless and unattractive... which I'm neither. But I felt that way... I didn't even want to be naked in front of him anymore much less have sex.... and before our sex life was very full. It's slowly getting back there. Anyway he finally opened up to me and there is a few things he hasn't done we can do.... but hahaha.... I've done all of them. And what I haven't done he's done. So Idk. Hang in there. Edited July 21, 2011 by April72
Darren Steez Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 and this relationship is doomed! Cant speak frankly, jealous boyfriend who adopts the hear no evil approach..whats the point
Memphis Raines Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Ok, so let me introduce myself. I am 24, male, and have been in a relationship with a girl for around 6 months. Now, I've known for a long time that I am a jealous man and as a result I don't talk about my sexual experiences with my partners, and I would appreciate it if my partners would do the same. Unfortunately, it didn't happen. but you don't have to be jealous to realize that its not a topic of conversation that most significant others want to hear. ya, a woman of mine is going to want to hear me tell her how I use to pump the biggest loads into another woman:rolleyes: come on. why would I even bring sexual experiences up to another woman without expecting to get the ***** slapped out of me? Afterwards, we were laying there together when she dropped the jealousy bombshell: "I hope you liked that, I've only done that with one other person." well, I suppose it could have been worse, but it would be basically verbal salt peter. When I talked to my gf about this, our conversation ended a mixed bag. I told her I was very upset that she would tell me this unwanted information, and she did apologize. But to be honest, her attitude on this subject just really pisses me off. Basically, her position is that in a committed relationship, it's the woman's duty to do whatever the man wants in the bedroom. but what does that have to do with her apparent need to tell you about what sex acts she has done with other guys? I mean, we can all assume that our partners have done everything under the sun with other partners in the past. But we don't need them to bring it to the surface for us. you can't best her for having a past(unless she was the type that banged 200 guys a year or something). But keep the past in the past. What makes people think we want to hear crap like that?
make me believe Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Obviously, some people have taken advantage of her attitude to go way beyond my personal boundaries, of things I would ever ask or want from another person. And it bugs me that she would be very frank about this and nonchalant. Again, I know I'm being judg-ey, but am I a bad person for perhaps not wanting to be with someone who is apparently ok with being basically a sexual plaything for another man? I just have a hard time imagining myself spending the rest of my life with someone with that kind of attitude/history. What do YOUR boundaries have to do with anything? Just because you allegedly wouldn't do xyz with her and some other guy did doesn't mean that he was taking advantage of her. The only reason her attitude of doing anything her partner wants bugs you is because she's had other partners before you & you are jealously imagining what they may have done. If you were her first partner I'm sure you'd be thrilled with her attitude. I think you need to let this girl go. I feel bad for her having her BF judge her so much like this and question her "worth" in a longterm relationship based solely on sexual things she did while in committed relationships. Your actual problem is that you don't respect your girlfriend. You're not a bad person, you're a bad boyfriend. From your first post, you appear to have no problem with her being a sexual plaything for you and only you, but not with anyone else. In your second post, you described her as being really nonchalant and frank about her attitude towards sex in a relationship, I don't think anyone took "advantage" of her. She did it because she wanted to AND it was in the context of actual relationships. If you cannot accept that about her then you are in a relationship with the wrong person. Agreed! Let her go so she can find somebody who is willing to accept her as she is, without the judgment & double standards. You obviously need to be with somebody who either hasn't had the type of sexual experience that she has, or is better at keeping it private.
April72 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Look up Retroactive jealousy... there is lots of post on this website. And several online. So you can quit getting bashed for your feelings. They are valid and real. And those that don't understand it will not be sympathetic. The feelings aren't logical and finding someone with no experience isn't the answer. Dumping her if you love her isn't the answer. Alot of relationships don't make it because of this problem. And bottomline it is YOUR problem and it's up to you to do the work to fix it. I know I work on it daily. good luck.
Author SensitiveTJ Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Once again, thank you all for your replies. I appreciate all of your advice, I really do. I guess what I'm saying is that after what happened, I just have a hard time just forgetting about what she said and being happy together. Every time I look at her I think about her doing stuff with someone else. And knowing what I know now makes me look at her differently, just because her attitude is not my attitude (towards sex) and it's not an attitude I've discovered in the women I've previously dated. Not that it matters, but this is just the latest in a line of somewhat disheartening info this girl has shared with me. It's like, as soon as I deal with one thing that I might not want to hear, another drops. Perhaps I'm just getting weary of it.
robdrm32 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Once again, thank you all for your replies. I appreciate all of your advice, I really do. I guess what I'm saying is that after what happened, I just have a hard time just forgetting about what she said and being happy together. Every time I look at her I think about her doing stuff with someone else. And knowing what I know now makes me look at her differently, just because her attitude is not my attitude (towards sex) and it's not an attitude I've discovered in the women I've previously dated. Not that it matters, but this is just the latest in a line of somewhat disheartening info this girl has shared with me. It's like, as soon as I deal with one thing that I might not want to hear, another drops. Perhaps I'm just getting weary of it. she is telling you things you don't want to hear. not because you are some overly judgemental A-hole, but you had an impression of her that has now been changed. All you can do is decide if what she told you is a deal-breaker. And for the people saying you are being judgemental....uhhh no sh*t, I don't date sluts because I judge them to be bad partners, as do most normal people. not saying your girl is a slut but her attitude towards sex is different than yours. You aren't a bad person if you decide its too much to handle.
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