sadpanda13 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Hello i'm new here and sitting here trying to read my computer screen through my tears and type this. Me and my girlfriend of 4 years decided to break up over our disagreements on religion. It was mutual, and we both love each other very much making it all the more difficult. I'm 22 and she is 19. We have been messing around sexually since a few months after we started dating in high school, and started having sex at the end of last October and BOTH enjoyed it thoroughly up until about 3 months ago. She all of a sudden stopped with no notice or telling me why, and she hesitated to do anything sexual at all. I got around to asking her about it after about 3 weeks and she hesitated but told me it was because of religion and she thought she needed to stop having sex. I guess you could call me agnostic, but i definitely don't believe Christianity is the right religion (which is what she is). We both knew this and had delt with it fine up to this point, as she wasn't seriously religious. This year she had met some friends in her first year of college and started going to Bible study, which she admitted is ultimately the cause of her getting so much more into religion. She didn't want to just stop sex, she wants no type of sexual activity whatsoever. This really just lead us to believe that there is no way our futures will work together, as she could not stand the thought of having a child that didn't believe in God. Sorry this is getting kind of long. Anyways we still love each other very much. I am stunned that going through all of this isn't enough for her to question her own religion after what we've been through, but I guess that's how it goes. Sadly I just feel like she is still riding in the front seat for me, but shes put me in her back seat and put god up front. Not much i can do abou it. My question is, should I continue to talk to her? I want to make sure she is doing ok, but I don't want to make it worse (its literally been 2 hours since we hung up the phone). I still want to be friends with her. Is it wrong for me to send everything into question just because she wants to completely stop all sex (or any sexual activity) until we get married which would be 4 years at the minimum? Also, do you think we made the right choice even though we still love each other? Sorry this isn't really well written i'm not thinking terribly straight at the moment.
thelovingkind Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I absolutely don't think it is wrong for you to send everything into question over this matter. Unfortunately, when finding a loving, trusting, honest and reciprocative partner is such an elusive and exhausting task in the first place, there is probably a tendency once we get there to think that nothing should ever get in the way of that connection. But that emotional core is just one aspect of things - another side is values and ethics and yet another side is life's pragmatics. Many of these issues are negotiable, but others aren't. Religion, unfortunately, tends to be an ultimate sticking point. I think you made the right decision. You are parting now as two people who care for each other and honour and cherish your past together. That is a wonderful and rare point of departure on these boards. Stick at it for another year and there's a good chance you will part as miserable, venemous souls who are loaded with regrets and aphotic expectations for the future. My only advice: don't assume that because you are parting on good terms that things such as no contact don't apply, and that you can easily slip into friendship mode. Do the NC, put yourself through the grieving process, and then consider whether you still want her in your life or not.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I am a Christian and trust me, I understand why Gandhi said he would have probably would have become a Christian if he hadn't of met one first. No worries, I see that you get it. Every group has their own "bad" apples. Oh yes... Gandhi... "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
TheHurtProcess Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I personally would have broken it off too. I could understand if she came into the relationship with that expectation and stated that up front. But to come into the relationship with no moral boundaries (as far as sexual contact is concerned) and then decide years down the road that she's magically changed her mind on the matter and then pulls it right out from under you as if her needs were so much more important than yours... Let's just say that I'd honestly be all sorts of irate. Man, religion has a way of ruining all he fun, hahaha. J/K to those who are more on the religious end.
Casablanca Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I personally would have broken it off too. I could understand if she came into the relationship with that expectation and stated that up front. But to come into the relationship with no moral boundaries (as far as sexual contact is concerned) and then decide years down the road that she's magically changed her mind on the matter and then pulls it right out from under you as if her needs were so much more important than yours... Let's just say that I'd honestly be all sorts of irate. Man, religion has a way of ruining all he fun, hahaha. J/K to those who are more on the religious end. This is how Im feeling here...may not have broken it off as I have dated a girl that wanted to wait (while I will NEVER understand this, I can respect it and if that is the expectation from the start that is fine...but once sex starts, if it ends that can cause the end of a relationship); maybe you two could have come to an agreement, maybe no sex, but what about fooling around in other ways (oral, hand job, fingering)?
Nohbody Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IjBi1eEaAA&feature=related I can't resist, I'm so sorry for anyone this offends, but I've been dying all morning listening to this.
Author sadpanda13 Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Well anyways she is baptist and her family has always been very accepting of me and her parents are divorced and she doesn't have a really great relationship with her dad. Not sure how that changes things though. I really just don't think this is the right decision, but I don't see another way. I wish she would change her mind about how serious she is getting, because I don't want to be with a fanatical Christian, and I honestly question those peoples mental health. If I want to be with her I have to accept that she probably will never change. And then if I want to be with her it comes down to how much i'm willing to give up to be with her if she won't even budge on any ideas. Do I give up letting any future children be raised the way I may want, do I give up how we get married, do i give up sex, do i give up her putting god before me while I put her above everything? I highly doubt she will be able to not do anything sexual, as I know she really enjoys it. I could be willing to let her take future children to church as such as long as she didn't lie about what I believe, and I could really care less how we get married. The hardest one for me is putting her and our relationship first before anything, while she is focused on God. I don't know why I can't do that, I suppose i'm just being greedy, but I want to be loved as much as I love her.
KathyM Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Hello i'm new here and sitting here trying to read my computer screen through my tears and type this. Me and my girlfriend of 4 years decided to break up over our disagreements on religion. It was mutual, and we both love each other very much making it all the more difficult. I'm 22 and she is 19. We have been messing around sexually since a few months after we started dating in high school, and started having sex at the end of last October and BOTH enjoyed it thoroughly up until about 3 months ago. She all of a sudden stopped with no notice or telling me why, and she hesitated to do anything sexual at all. I got around to asking her about it after about 3 weeks and she hesitated but told me it was because of religion and she thought she needed to stop having sex. I guess you could call me agnostic, but i definitely don't believe Christianity is the right religion (which is what she is). We both knew this and had delt with it fine up to this point, as she wasn't seriously religious. This year she had met some friends in her first year of college and started going to Bible study, which she admitted is ultimately the cause of her getting so much more into religion. She didn't want to just stop sex, she wants no type of sexual activity whatsoever. This really just lead us to believe that there is no way our futures will work together, as she could not stand the thought of having a child that didn't believe in God. Sorry this is getting kind of long. Anyways we still love each other very much. I am stunned that going through all of this isn't enough for her to question her own religion after what we've been through, but I guess that's how it goes. Sadly I just feel like she is still riding in the front seat for me, but shes put me in her back seat and put god up front. Not much i can do abou it. My question is, should I continue to talk to her? I want to make sure she is doing ok, but I don't want to make it worse (its literally been 2 hours since we hung up the phone). I still want to be friends with her. Is it wrong for me to send everything into question just because she wants to completely stop all sex (or any sexual activity) until we get married which would be 4 years at the minimum? Also, do you think we made the right choice even though we still love each other? Sorry this isn't really well written i'm not thinking terribly straight at the moment. You did the right thing by mutually agreeing to end the relationship. You are not a match. She is a Christian, you are an agnostic. Does not make for a durable long-term relationship. Your values are different, and you are right that if you ever marry her and kids come into the picture, there will be disagreements on what religion they should be raised in. No need to break off a friendship if that is still doable for you, but you are not a match for anything more than that.
Author sadpanda13 Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 (edited) Who are you to decide what she should and shouldn't do? She is doing what she thinks is best. You do not respect her, her choice, her beliefs and you want to change her. First of all you are quite the ignorant *******. And you seem quite the Christian extremist yourself. I never TOLD her what she should and shouldn't do. Have I told you about the times she has tried to convert me? She wants to change me to, and in fact it is a Christians job to try and convert people but i'm guessing you don't think its a bad thing that she wants to change me. You really are ignorant. This is why the Bible warns / suggests Christians not to marry non-believers and vice versa... Because it's human nature that both of you are not going to understand, respect and try to change each others minds / beliefs. It actually never directly says this. I think you should tell her that she is worshiping the wrong God. That you are in fact God, because you decide what is right and wrong for people in this world. I'm not quite sure how you got this out of my posts, as you tell me everything that I am doing right and wrong. I wonder, have you ever been in this situation before? If you haven't noticed, you will not budge either. That is why you two should not continue to date. Um once again, after you tell me that i'm telling people what is right and wrong you are going on to do it yourself. I have in fact tried to budge, I try every ****ing day to become a Christian, the problem is I have no reason to do it for myself, only for her. I want it so bad, I swear to you I would give anything to believe in God but that is not how my mind works and I literally can't just believe something that I have come to disagree with as bad as I want to, and in fact as hard as I try i cannot do it, this is probably hard for someone simple minded like you to understand. You see, I don't need prayer or god to live a good life, I can do without those. You are putting sex, they way you want to raise kids, how you want to get married above her... So how is her putting God before you any different than what you are doing? Are you literally retarded? Sex, marriage, and children are part of a relationship, part of being with her... so what you say makes no sense as you are basically saying i'm putting my relationship above my relationship? God is a completely different aspect of life. I just feel it is maybe not fair to me, but i'm not sure. Have you even bothered reading the Bible? And I am not talking about taking a single verse without taking into account the full context of it. I have read more of it than most Christians have and unlike most Christians I didn't listen to what it means from someone else, I analyzed it on my own . I've probably read as much of it if not more than her. There is one important message in the Bible that summarizes nearly everything i've read. Do unto others as you would want done to you. Interestingly this rule was around before the bible. I think you will find it interesting what is says about love, marriage, how a husband should love, cherish, honor, respect his wife and how a women should love, cherish, honor and respect her husband.At this point i'm assuming you think its wrong, and you are doing your job as a Christian to break us up. I agree with you, the bible has some great things about love, marriage, sex. You should realize, since you are a bible master, that she and I are now 1 flesh, not something that should be taken lightly when breaking up. It says some awesome stuff, but it also has some pretty strange things. And are you reading your ancient Greek bible or a newer poorly translated one? Did you know the term fornication was very likely misinterpreted from prostitution and the meaning was lost over the years. It is interesting you put so much weight on these passages that you can't even gaurantee are accurate. I can tell you your problem, you would rather use your emotions to come to conclusions then thought, thats what you've done in response to my posts. You should try it sometime, thinking can really get you places. Aren't you a nice guy! You are going to give your wife permission and LET her go to church and you will ALLOW her to have some say and input into where the two of you get married.Yea quite honestly I think I am a nice guy. Well I could argue that is how the bible teaches it, that i tell her what to do, but that is not at all what I want. Once again, ignorant much? I'm the one considering giving up what I believe in so that she can enjoy her life with God and we can still be together. So how am I not being nice by putting my own beliefs on hold so she can enjoy those things the way she wants to? You do not respect her, respect her beliefs, wanting her to do what she thinks is best, you think you decide what she should and shouldn't do, you doubt her, you do not believe in her, you question her judgement, you want to change her, you think she has mental issues, you decide what she can and cannot do...You literally just made up all of those things based on 2 posts? I do respect her beliefs, I just disagree with them. I want her to do what is best for her which I truly believe is our relationship, what we have doesn't come around very often in my opinion. I doubt her on her religious beliefs, that's it. If she wanted to stop having sex for any other reason I wouldn't question it. I have confidence in her and if she came onto me I would make sure she was making the right choice before anything happened. I'm so glad she is not as close minded as you seem to be, hopefully she doesn't become that way. You did not for one second consider my side of the story, you instantly took her side, I would imagine just because you too are a Christian. Sorry if I am wrong about you, but your post was very very very ignorant, and you made a lot of assumptions. Edited July 21, 2011 by sadpanda13
Author sadpanda13 Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 One other thing that makes me question whether or not it was a good idea is that we have been apart the last 3 months. She went to live with her mom for the summer who has moved away from where we originally met. I feel things can be different when you are together. What do you think?
TheHurtProcess Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Sadpanda... I totally understand where you're coming from. I myself am an Atheist. I have nothing against religion, be it Christianity or any other for that matter. What people don't seem to understand is that most Atheists and Agnostics alike have tried Christianity/religion (several times in fact). I personally just couldn't warship something on faith alone. I need raw, hard evidence to accompany any and all speculation. Homebrew is actually a very intelligent, understanding and cordial individual. I would gladly take his advice over many others on this forum. Obviously religion is a very touchy subject for some, but I personally believe that some of this discussion could/should have been handled a bit differently and accepted with an open-mind as well as an open-heart. After all, I thought Christianity was about "love" above all. This is what Gandhi meant about Christians being nothing like Christ. If Christ did in fact exist, he would have accepted and loved all, Christians and Non-Christians alike with open arms.
Recommended Posts