gothowitz Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I was just curious, what are the signs that'd make you say that someone is emotionally unavailable? It may be based on your opinion or your own experience. Please feel free to share!
vsmini Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 An emotionally unavailble (EU) person isn't someone that doesn't want to be in a relationship but one that can't be in a proper relationship. An EU typically has things on their own terms as far as meeting up, how far the relationship will go and when the couple will discuss thing. An EU will also shy away or do their best to avoid the "relationship talk" and may just say things like "I just want to have fun" or "I don't like to talk about my feelings" quite often. The EU I dated gave me the hallmarks of being in a relationship but was completely unable to talk with me if I was having trouble in the relationship, was upset because of work or family issues or had anything else going on in my life that wasn't 100% sunshine. EU's don't deal with conflict (even very small conflict) very well at all. EU's often like to call their partner's needy even when the partner is just expressing the the bare bones basics of relationship needs.
Arasae Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 The EU I dated gave me the hallmarks of being in a relationship but was completely unable to talk with me if I was having trouble in the relationship, was upset because of work or family issues or had anything else going on in my life that wasn't 100% sunshine. You hit the nail on the head with this one! This was EXACTLY like the EU guy I dated. He refused to see me more than once a week-and-a-half, accused me of being needy when I told him I'd like to see him a bit more than that (after five months of being in a "relationship"), and somehow managed to get angry at ME for being "insecure" when he disrespected me by looking and commenting on body parts of other women. The one time I called him in our five month relationship, completely distraught, because something really terrible had happened to me, he told me I was being dramatic and to let him go back to sleep. (It was maybe ten o' clock) That night was, perhaps, the worst night of my entire life. =/ The kicker of EU? He always spoke about his ex-girlfriend, his only true love. On his birthday, I decided to show up in lingerie, a trenchcoat, with his present, at midnight--he pretty much knew I was coming, I'd dropped so many hints. Where was he that night? Getting coffee with the infamous (and married) ex-girlfriend. Because he "needed closure" (HE WAS TURNING 25 FOR GOD'S SAKE! QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS!). He called me at 3 AM, told me not to freak out, and told me where he'd been.. I told him that, yeah, I was a little upset, but I guess I understood, and we went to sleep. Later, he accused me of being completely unreasonable (!) about that. HA! A warning: avoid men like these like the plague. It took me over a year and a half to get past the negative self-image he left me with. It's true what they say... "Your destroyed self-esteem may take longer to fix than finding a new boyfriend would. Prioritize accordingly!"
zengirl Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 If someone is VERY emotionally unavailable, they are unable to emotionally connect, are hindered in verbal intimacy in particular, and cannot effectively talk about their feelings (nonEU people may have trouble with this, as all human beings do sometimes and it can be lightly awkward and such, but if they're emotionally unavailable, they will either have major issues with their feelings, be totally cold with them, etc, some extreme issue with engaging and discussing their feelings). In most cases, an emotionally unavailable person won't make room for the other person in the relationship, if they even consent to a relationship, and will usually avoid commitment in many cases (though not all). And I feel like there are differing degrees. This sounds about right: The EU I dated gave me the hallmarks of being in a relationship but was completely unable to talk with me if I was having trouble in the relationship, was upset because of work or family issues or had anything else going on in my life that wasn't 100% sunshine. I actually didn't realize it at the time because he was very relationship oriented and we did achieve some emotional intimacy, but my last exBF was somewhat emotionally unavailable; we'd have breakthroughs and most of the time, we had great positive things in our lives, so it was almost unnoticeable a lot of the time, as I'm not a "talk about my feelings" sort either. It only became noticeable when we fought. That's when you can really tell how available/unavailable someone is emotionally. Someone who is very emotionally available, strong, healthy, and oriented towards you will actively engage with you in a healthy way when fights occur (assuming they're rare and you're not fighting like a crazy person yourself); someone who is EU will feel the fight or flight kick in more strongly. It's not always an exGF. Sometimes it's other issues from further back or just the person has never learned how to open up that part of him/herself. I can sometimes go into emotionally unavailable mode and not realize it. So I don't think it's always as simple as someone is/isn't.
vsmini Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I should also add: My boyfriend at the time admitted to being an emotionally stunted individual. He said he "didn't feel things" and talked about having anhedonia. Jaysus - why I stayed with that wreck, I will never know.
daphne Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I should also add: My boyfriend at the time admitted to being an emotionally stunted individual. He said he "didn't feel things" and talked about having anhedonia. Jaysus - why I stayed with that wreck, I will never know. Cos all of the good ones were taken?
dispatch3d Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 EUM, emotionally unavailable men! That's what I am! Ask me anything, I'll let you know what it's like. *distant look into the stars*
Author gothowitz Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Reading through your responses definitely reminded me of my ex! Many things in our relationship was on his terms, like when we'd meet, and when he'd reply to my messages or take my calls. I would constantly feel like he was keeping me at arm's length, and that feeling of distance felt even stronger when we were physically apart. I don't think he'd ever complained to me about something he didn't like about our relationship, but, in hindsight, it seems that he manifested those resentments on those occasions when he snapped at me or made me feel like a fool. I should've bolted sooner haha!
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