jayjay7 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Hi all, I've had quite a rocky relationship with him for the last 6 months, 3 weeks ago, I was contemplating my life and getting frustrated that I hadn't achieved much in my life (my birthday was coming up), we still hadn't found anywhere to live, staying with friends and I was sooo fed up with it (it has been 2 years moving around). Basically he a compulsive procrastinator. We have been together for 3 years, he was seperated when I met him but 3 years on even though we lived together he still hasn't got a divorce. And on top of that his ex has rinsed the bank account which amounts to thousands and hasn't bothered trying to recoup any of it. I was also frustrated because since we kept moving I couldn't get a permanent job, and I need a job to feel validated!! Anyway after a glass too many of wine, I told him all my frustrations and that I couldn't handle all the procrastinating, he obviously told me I was nagging and it wasn't that 'simple'. I told him I was leaving, I really did feel like it, the next day I had calmed down a bit and waited till he came in from work and said I want to make this relationship work and could we discuss it all reasonably. He told me there was nothing else to talk about and to leave. So I left to get the train, when I got there I phoned and asked again to talk, he said no. He phoned and text me telling me to set a date when he could return all of my belongings, first i fell into the pitfall of apologising over and over again, begging, the works, once I'd calmed down I told him when he could return my stuff, he's returned it all now. The night he returned it, we went out for a drink, I didn' even mention the break up, neither did he, and we had quite a nice chat etc. We left it at that. The following night, he goes out with his friend and texts me to tell me that all the women at the pub he was at are all too easy and he wants to be with a decent woman like me. I have to say I felt quite offended, I thought it was his way of showing me that he was still attractive to the opposite sex and to make me jelous. Anyway he said he wanted to be with me, then the following morning after a misunderstanding on my part he breaks it all off again. I'm confusing myself now so please bear with me! So back we go onto the not-so-merry-go-round again, of me being upset and crying etc on the phone. A couple of days later I try to pin him down on what is going to happen with us, it's even more important that we decide because I have no savings and nowhere to live, so will probably need to apply for some benefits and housing untill I can find a job, but I know that once I have done that there can't be any going back for us, it would be step too far. (I will be living in a different county) But of course I still love him and would really like to get back together. He has told me he loves me and misses me, but doesn't want to jump back into the relationship and can't tell me if this is a few weeks, months or forever. He said he hoped that the break would give us the time we both needed. I just can't wait around, I have so much to sort out if he doesn't want to be with me, I told him that he is playing with my life because ultimately whatever he decides will affect my future. I didn't think it was wise to put our relationship on the back burner, especially as I have nowhere to live and no money, while he decides what's best for him. I have sent him a text now(yesterday) saying that no relationship benefits from time apart (it won't because, I know he's going out drinking with his mates and as mentioned previously he was putting the 'feelers' out there for other women, and I wouldn't know what he was doing and whether he was stringing me along while he looks for somebody else), and that I couldn't put our relationship in some half-arsed limbo while he decides what's best for him. I thanked him for our years together and hoped he would be happy. I suppose I thought this would make him think that genuinely he was going to lose our relationship and make him decide whether to give us another chance, properly this time and not 'in the future'. I havn't heard from him so I guess I have my answer. Sorry for the long post, I feel really alone and so unsure what to do now, because even though we have had our troubles I do love him very much. Any advice?
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Hi all, He has told me he loves me and misses me, but doesn't want to jump back into the relationship and can't tell me if this is a few weeks, months or forever. Translation: I care about you and am not sure about what else is out there, so I'm going to keep you as an option until I find out. are you willing to be just an option?
lovebug5502 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 this is exactly what i feel I am going through with my boyfriend (ex). he wants to sort his life out, but im not even in his life plans now after 8 years. I decided this moring that I can't be that option and wait 2 years for him to figure himself out to be with me. im 26, i need to do me and now live my life. as much as it hurts.
Author jayjay7 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 This what I thought, but I guess I need someone to spell it out for me. Was my final message too harsh? Does it come across as thought I am a heartless cow? Or is an effective way to say I don't want to take anymore crap? I won't be texting or calling anymore...actually it is his birthday in a few days do I send a message or not. He did send me one when it was my birthday a week ago.
Author jayjay7 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 lovebug, you're the same age as me! Maye it's just me or are you thinking about the fact that you've been together for so long and invested all that time, love and energy and you're looking forward to the next chapter in your life i.e kids etc, but know that if this relationship is kept on the back burner, you would of just wasted more time and it may never materialise.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 This what I thought, but I guess I need someone to spell it out for me. Was my final message too harsh? Does it come across as thought I am a heartless cow? Or is an effective way to say I don't want to take anymore crap? I won't be texting or calling anymore...actually it is his birthday in a few days do I send a message or not. He did send me one when it was my birthday a week ago. I wouldn't bother, when you were in a relationship with him that day was important. You're single now enjoy every second of it and don't place any importance on that day. By sending a message you will consciously or subconsciously expect a response. The response is never something the dumpee wants to hear and they also don't want the dumper to not respond. it's lose/lose if you do.
Author jayjay7 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 I'm confused about the whole dumper/dumpee aspect of it as well. Because I said I wanted to end it first, even though I wanted to talk through our problems after, what does that make me? An idiot probably!?
elizabeth26 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Oh, I hate these passive aggressive types! He is likely just seeing how far he can string you along, this gets his rocks off. Ignore the **** out of him, that is the only way to get to him. Date some other guys, go hang out with friends and I would highly advise venting your frustrations on a treadmill at the gym, do things that make you feel good about yourself and try try try to get him out of your mind. He isn't good for you! He really sounds like a piece of ****. Do your friends and family think he's a piece of ****? It's hard, I was in the same place. I dated a guy for 7 years and he never seemed to make a move towards the future, I still don't know what his deal was, but no man has a right to make you feel worthless, so DON'T LET HIM!!!!!! Go see a concert with some friends, take some great pictures of yourself and just know you are beautiful and you do not need a man to validate you. The only way out of the way you are feeling right now is to drag yourself out of the rut you're in. Always be aware of your relationship, if there's communication but no action or follow through, ditch the guy, he's just telling you what you want to hear.
Author jayjay7 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 I havn't even thought of passive aggressive... is that what he is?
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I'm confused about the whole dumper/dumpee aspect of it as well. Because I said I wanted to end it first, even though I wanted to talk through our problems after, what does that make me? An idiot probably!? I think most people will say the dumper is the one that ends the relationship, and the dumpee is the one on the receiving end. here's my take on it. The dumper is the one that originally ends the relationship, the dumpee wants to work things out. The dumper seems to move on fairly quickly where the dumpee grieves a loss and suffers from moderate to severe depression. Sometimes the tables turn though and the dumper will go through the stages of grieving like the dumpee does originally. In this case the tables are turned and I view the original dumper as the dumpee. Basically I label dumper/dumpee as how the person is feeling and coping with the termination of the relationship. Others will label them for their actions.
Author jayjay7 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 My family all like him, he is a likeable guy, but they have had their doubts about him. He always seems to promise me things but I do 'something wrong' and never get them. Not that I'm saying material things are important to me. He had 'booked' holidays and then cancelled, (it was right after my dad had died, he left me the week before his death too, and could have really done with getting away from it all for a week) he hasn't given me a birthday present since we've been together...he 'ordered' it but it never arrived. It was only 3 months after my birthday last year that I realised it was never going to come.
Author jayjay7 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 I think most people will say the dumper is the one that ends the relationship, and the dumpee is the one on the receiving end. here's my take on it. The dumper is the one that originally ends the relationship, the dumpee wants to work things out. The dumper seems to move on fairly quickly where the dumpee grieves a loss and suffers from moderate to severe depression. Sometimes the tables turn though and the dumper will go through the stages of grieving like the dumpee does originally. In this case the tables are turned and I view the original dumper as the dumpee. Basically I label dumper/dumpee as how the person is feeling and coping with the termination of the relationship. Others will label them for their actions. Thank you for clearing that for me. Infact thank you full stop for replying, I don't have any friends at the moment so I really appreciate somone talking to me!
English-Rose Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 In my opinion ur message to him was perfect. Good for you! Even if it goes against the grain for u, don't chase him. There's a metaphor I've read a few times in relation to break ups that is very true: if u chase after a dog it'll keep running and running but the moment you stop chasing it and turn and run in the opposite direction, the dog will start chasing after you. And another saying I like is that you always want what you can't have. In other words, make urself unavailable, create a bit of mystique around what you're doing, who with etc without being blatant about it. Once he thinks he is actually losing u I bet he comes running back. I read in one of the online relationship advice sites that going back to the beginning of time, males have been the selectees and women are the selectors. I guess this means that if a guy shows you attention and you accept him as your "mate" then you have the upper hand. However by being needy or showing signs of chasing him u r putting urself into the role of selectee whereby you are wanting HIM to select YOU. So there is no challenge, and if he thinks he can have u anytime at his choosing then you are not going to be as appealing or as hard to get for him as you should ideally be. Sorry if that was a bit heavy a reply. I have been Reading up on a lot of break up info to sort my own head out and the above advice has helped me put things into perspective! Anyway you're only 26, don't be getting urself tied down with kids at your age! Live a bit with or without him!! Good luck x
Author jayjay7 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Thank you so much English Rose, it means alot. I can see where you are coming from. I know I'm 26 but the reason I bring up the whole children thing is he is already in his 40's and 2 of my younger sisters already have children and I don't want to miss out lol
lovebug5502 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 lovebug, you're the same age as me! Maye it's just me or are you thinking about the fact that you've been together for so long and invested all that time, love and energy and you're looking forward to the next chapter in your life i.e kids etc, but know that if this relationship is kept on the back burner, you would of just wasted more time and it may never materialise. that is exactly how i feel. I ended it with my boyfriend this morning. hardest decision i had to make because i love him so much, but he didn't seem to have me in his plans. I was with him for 8 1/2 years. I posted a thread hoping to get fdeedback earlier today if you can find it read it. nice to meet you by the way. I hope we can find comfort in eah other and help each other out. it's tough.
lovebug5502 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I am completely torn apart about this. First off, let me tell you a little bit about who we are/were. I am 26 and he is 29. We began dating when i was 19 and he was 22 Him and I met 8 years ago online. what a wonderful beginning into our relationship. It felt like a fairy tale to me. after 3 years we moved in together. We went through ups and downs and highs and lows. He was/is my best friend. As the years went by, we fell into a rut. Sex was rare, and we both gained weight. We both changed but yet we meshed well. He graduated college for a few degrees and I was so very proud of who i was with. He was so driven, he knew what he wanted. Well, not for long. He wasn't able to figure out WHAT he wanted. Where did he WANT to work. or WHAT he wanted in life. I tried to push him and help him as much as I could. I picked up the slack finacially when he couldnt make enough at his job as a server and picking up the slack seemed to be an every month thing. I tried. I really did try to make him less stressed. But it wasn't enough.---now about me. I know my faults. I gained weight along the road. 40 lbs to be exact. After working as an entry level accountant, tired of working a 8-5,6,7 i didnt want to do much than veg out and slip into pjs. However, I did like going out, him, not so much. he enjoyed being at home. He didn't like going to bars, or clubs or hanging out with my friends. He said "im a loner". I got messy, didn't clean our house, and felt drained. Now, i think i might have been emotionally drained. This past year he fell into a depression. Our solution, not live together. He decided that he would go back to school, get another degree and hopefully get his life on track. Here we thought this would help us. We would start to "date" each other again. It would get fun again. We love each other, so we know we will make it. Wrong! He moved back into his parents home last month. I had to find within two weeks a new place to live. switch my whole life around and deal with moving expenses...alone. Even though i supported him in his decision to move and find himself and we said we would try to make it work living apart now and 35 miles away from each other, my love quickly turned into a bit of resentment but i still very much love him. I felt he bailed on me. I felt he gave up on us and took the easy way out. And he said so himself, I'm being selfish but I need to do this for me. So after a month of "trying to make it work, today, i spoke to him. I told him how i cry every night missing him even though i see him once or twice a week. How angry I am that we dont live together. How i resent him so much i can't stay in this anymore. It hurts. He's been my best friend, but we were in a really big rut. It's time to live and grow individually. I wonder how long before i feel less pain and can smile again and not think of how much i miss him and break down.
Author jayjay7 Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 I think the message that I sent in my first post may have back fired on me. After I sent it and I didn't hear from him, I thought that was it. He didn't want o be with me. I didn't send anymore messages for 4 days. Against advice posted I sent him a text this afternoon, just wishing him a Happy Birthday but fully prepared myself to receive nothing back. But in the last hour I got a text saying he hoped "I was having a laugh, that he hasn't heard from me all week after a dear john text and then I say happy birthday." He then goes on to say that he's had to go sick at work this week and that after 3 years all he got was a text. There was another message after referring to the dear john letter again. I'm frustrated to see that my original message was someting I thought was going to spur him on into making a decision. I had said, that no relationship benefits from time apart and to forget about taking a break, that I realise he no longer wants to be together and I accept that we have have broken up. I didn't want to be in a limbo and I thanked him for our years together and said that I really had seen us having a future and I hoped he would be happy. So I didn't get the response I had hoped for, either a yes or a no. I didn't make any other attempt to contact him except today on his birthday and I have created an angry monster. WTF am I supossed to do. I can't do right for doing wrong
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