Untouchable_Fire Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 My cousin is a big guy... 6'3" and probably 400lbs, and I was trying to tell him that he HAS to lose weight before he starts to date again. He was unemployed for about 3 months, but now has this new job making $110,000 per year. Now he is suddenly thinking about dating again... it's boosted his confidence. I'm trying to convince him to invest the extra money instead of dating... His last GF just ripped him apart... she cheated with 11 different guys that I know of. He also just came off a friendzone ordeal with this girl at his last job. She treated him like a tampon while secretly dating the companies CEO... who was also dating no less than 4 other female employees. The CEO had his own personal harem. Anyway, so with that history in mind my point to him is this... At his weight no woman is actually going to love him. There are plenty of women that would jump on a guy making that kind of money and he has a million great qualities to go with it... but nobody is going to see that. Even the women who are equally fat just are not interested in him. I know it's kind of crappy advice to have to give to somebody, but I feel it's the best route for him at the moment. Especially with his head in the clouds over this new job. Am I right to tell him this? I'm like his older brother and he has always looked up to me. Hell, I paid all his bills while he was unemployed. I know he takes what I say seriously... I just am not sure on this one. Risk vs. Reward.
zengirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 If he's 400lbs, he's also got to be massively unhealthy. Certainly nothing wrong with him getting healthy either way. FTR, I wouldn't date a guy who was anywhere near that (I'll go for average, thin, or fit, but the least bit chubby and I'm not into it), but that's me. I cannot speak for every girl in the world. At any rate, in order to get that large, one would have to be unhealthy and likely unhappy----good he works on both of those factors before dating, as building one's self up prior to dating again is never a bad idea.
rightfield Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I would encourage him to address his weight issue out of a concern for his health first. Losing some weight will further enhance his confidence, and he'll physically feel better. Then his dating situation should take care of itself.
manders_01 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 My cousin is a big guy... 6'3" and probably 400lbs, and I was trying to tell him that he HAS to lose weight before he starts to date again. He was unemployed for about 3 months, but now has this new job making $110,000 per year. Now he is suddenly thinking about dating again... it's boosted his confidence. I'm trying to convince him to invest the extra money instead of dating... His last GF just ripped him apart... she cheated with 11 different guys that I know of. He also just came off a friendzone ordeal with this girl at his last job. She treated him like a tampon while secretly dating the companies CEO... who was also dating no less than 4 other female employees. The CEO had his own personal harem. Anyway, so with that history in mind my point to him is this... At his weight no woman is actually going to love him. There are plenty of women that would jump on a guy making that kind of money and he has a million great qualities to go with it... but nobody is going to see that. Even the women who are equally fat just are not interested in him. I know it's kind of crappy advice to have to give to somebody, but I feel it's the best route for him at the moment. Especially with his head in the clouds over this new job. Am I right to tell him this? I'm like his older brother and he has always looked up to me. Hell, I paid all his bills while he was unemployed. I know he takes what I say seriously... I just am not sure on this one. Risk vs. Reward. If you mean in himself and his health instead of the market or CD's, then I think that's very sound advice. Maybe look past his romantic heart for a moment and think about his actual heart.
Wolf18 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Women, fat , tall , short, skinny, rich and poor , always have more options than the guys in their class. As a general rule of them in America, if you want to have serious chances with women, you have to date women who are atleast 1 notch below your own league. If you're a 400 lbs guy, you either have to lose the weight, or find a girl to date that's 600 lbs. With all that money he's making, he can hire some pretty amazing personal trainers and dietitians if he can't do it on his own. If he was in shape, with that huge salary of his , he would have women flocking to him. It's kind of sad, it goes against everything our parents told us and also against the judd apatow concept that the underdog gets the girl , but it's the reality of life.
tigressA Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I think most times in this sort of situation, people have to go out and experience rejection in order to face themselves and get motivated to resolve whatever issues are preventing them from being successful. But your friend has already been on the receiving end of some pretty nasty betrayals, and I can understand not wanting him to go through that again. I vote for telling him what's up. He should concentrate on making himself healthier all-around before he goes back out onto the dating scene.
sm1tten Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I know that the idea is that there is somebody out there for everybody, but frankly there are so many somebody's who would pass up somebody that unhealthy... and he should definitely be investing in his emotional and physical health. Even a (rare) woman who is willing to look past that kind of weight is going to be put off by the fact that his long-term prognosis is not good.
Audrina Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Women, fat , tall , short, skinny, rich and poor , always have more options than the guys in their class. As a general rule of them in America, if you want to have serious chances with women, you have to date women who are atleast 1 notch below your own league. If you're a 400 lbs guy, you either have to lose the weight, or find a girl to date that's 600 lbs. With all that money he's making, he can hire some pretty amazing personal trainers and dietitians if he can't do it on his own. If he was in shape, with that huge salary of his , he would have women flocking to him. It's kind of sad, it goes against everything our parents told us and also against the judd apatow concept that the underdog gets the girl , but it's the reality of life. This is the most asinine thing I've ever heard. I swear this forum makes me so glad to have the boyfriend I do.
Dust Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I think you should encourage him to be the best he can be. I don’t think its your place to tell him not to date or what to do with his money. He has every reason to want to get healthy. If you want to encourage him though I suggest you do it in a positive way. Like you’ll feel better right away once you start eating healthier and being more active. You’ll just feel better and better the healthier you get. I wouldn’t say stuff like you’re unattractive the way you are now and women shouldn’t want to date you and any women who does has a problem and will probably cheat on you or cause some other drama. Don’t be negative, be positive. Also remember its up to him, this is his life.
zengirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I think you should encourage him to be the best he can be. I don’t think its your place to tell him not to date or what to do with his money. He has every reason to want to get healthy. If you want to encourage him though I suggest you do it in a positive way. Like you’ll feel better right away once you start eating healthier and being more active. You’ll just feel better and better the healthier you get. I wouldn’t say stuff like you’re unattractive the way you are now and women shouldn’t want to date you and any women who does has a problem and will probably cheat on you or cause some other drama. Don’t be negative, be positive. Also remember its up to him, this is his life. This is good advice.
Wolf18 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 This is the most asinine thing I've ever heard. I swear this forum makes me so glad to have the boyfriend I do. That's real cute and I'm liek so happy for you, that doesn't mean that men in America don't have comically low standards. Of course, this isn't true everywhere. See unlike feminists, I can see both sides of the coin and call it as I see it. I've seen some pretty ugly guys in other countries with good looking women, while in America women are the ones with all the choices. A good portion of American women are unattractive and unhealthy, with horrible personalities, so the dating pools pretty damn shallow and compettitive unless you're willing to date way below your league.
Taramere Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 His last GF just ripped him apart... she cheated with 11 different guys that I know of. He also just came off a friendzone ordeal with this girl at his last job. She treated him like a tampon while secretly dating the companies CEO... who was also dating no less than 4 other female employees. The CEO had his own personal harem. Anyway, so with that history in mind my point to him is this... At his weight no woman is actually going to love him. There are plenty of women that would jump on a guy making that kind of money and he has a million great qualities to go with it... but nobody is going to see that. Even the women who are equally fat just are not interested in him. I know it's kind of crappy advice to have to give to somebody, but I feel it's the best route for him at the moment. Especially with his head in the clouds over this new job. Oh you mustn't say that to him, UF. Even if he's on a bit of a high right now with the new job, I bet the ex girlfriend cheating thing has left a really vulnerable spot. Telling somebody they're not capable of inspiring love is just wrong on every level. It's cruel and it's also inaccurate. Love is way too complicated a thing to assess anybody of being incapable of inspiring. I'm not good at visualising things, so I can't really picture what a 400 pound 6 ft 1 man looks like. I recall having an enormously fat man interested in me for a while, and my reaction was "absolutely not". I found him immensely self pitying and manipulative - and the impression I had was that that was simply who he was, and who he would be regardless of his size. Because of that, he wasn't somebody I even wanted to be friends with. Him aside, I've met enormous men I've liked...but I think generally they assume women won't be interested. It would be correct insofar as there's a sexual attraction problem there. However, lots of women are fixer-uppers. If we see potential in a man we'll often be prepared to give him a chance. In a situation like that the emphasis would be on encouraging him to get into shape first. That would be where a man like that could find himself "friend-zoned" until he got himself into better shape.
dreamingoftigers Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I for one find overweight to heavily overweight men very attractive but I still wouldn't date one at this point because I am trying to take better care of my health and wouldn't want to get involved emotionally with someone with death risk factors that high. Same with a heavy smoker or a drug addict. I have a very bad weight problem myself and I wouldn't want to become discouraged in my weight loss either. Part of that is the habits of the person you are in a relationship with. If he is ordering pizza every 2nd night and I am steaming broccoli, something's gonna give eventually.
Stung Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I think you should encourage him to be the best he can be. I don’t think its your place to tell him not to date or what to do with his money. He has every reason to want to get healthy. If you want to encourage him though I suggest you do it in a positive way. Like you’ll feel better right away once you start eating healthier and being more active. You’ll just feel better and better the healthier you get. I wouldn’t say stuff like you’re unattractive the way you are now and women shouldn’t want to date you and any women who does has a problem and will probably cheat on you or cause some other drama. Don’t be negative, be positive. Also remember its up to him, this is his life. I think Dust sums it up nicely. His last girlfriend sounds awful and I'm sure she did a number on his self-esteem and his overall psyche. This is going to be difficult reconstruction, no matter what his weight. While of course he would be more attractive to a broader range of women if he lost weight, and he will fact the likelihood of a lot of rejection--and hopefully he is somewhat realistic about this--I don't believe for one minute that he's too fat for the possibility of love. I have a few very happily married fat male friends (mostly to chubby or equally fat wives, but one has a slender and very conventionally attractive wife, and no, he's not rich). One of the happy fat married guys I know was living with another woman before he met his wife, and the two women fought over him tooth and nail--FYI, he's not rich, either. I'm not privy to every detail of these men's love lives, of course, but I certainly haven't heard of any drama or infidelities, everyone seems content, even glowing. In the end, you just can't predict everything, UF, and telling someone that they are fundamentally unlovable is a terrible, hurtful blow, even if you say it with good intentions. You'll be a good friend if you help motivate him to lose weight for his health, be his workout buddy, and support him in his setbacks as he searches for a meaningful relationship, which is a difficult sea to navigate for anybody.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 It's an inaccurate statement is where the problem lies. I remember reading in fascination an article about the 20 people in existence who have weighed over 1,000 lbs. Weighing that much, remember, makes you completely immobile and unable to have a job. You're stuck in one room of your house your whole life and probably can't have sex. And yet, several of them had girlfriends and wives, some of them weighing less than 120 lbs. No, he's not to fat to be in love, but if he was thinner, he'd have more options.
EasyHeart Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 He's not too fat to be loved -- that depends on what he's like on the inside -- but he's probably too fat to attract someone to love him. When we're looking for romantic partners, the first thing we notice is how they look, and most women probably wouldn't be attracted to a 400 lb guy. As to whether you did the right thing: it depends. Some people (esp. us guys) sometimes need a little kick in the ass to get us going. But if starts some type of diet & exercise program, you should try to be positive and supportive. Tough love can be good a catalyst, but is usually counter-productive if it's sustained longterm.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 If he's 400lbs, he's also got to be massively unhealthy. Certainly nothing wrong with him getting healthy either way. FTR, I wouldn't date a guy who was anywhere near that (I'll go for average, thin, or fit, but the least bit chubby and I'm not into it), but that's me. I cannot speak for every girl in the world. At any rate, in order to get that large, one would have to be unhealthy and likely unhappy----good he works on both of those factors before dating, as building one's self up prior to dating again is never a bad idea. I totally understand what you are saying here! Which is actually what scares the crap out of me. He WILL find a woman willing to date him if he keeps trying. My fear is what kind of woman he will find. I am afraid he will find a woman that just wants to use him. I think you should encourage him to be the best he can be. I don’t think its your place to tell him not to date or what to do with his money. He has every reason to want to get healthy. If you want to encourage him though I suggest you do it in a positive way. Like you’ll feel better right away once you start eating healthier and being more active. You’ll just feel better and better the healthier you get. I wouldn’t say stuff like you’re unattractive the way you are now and women shouldn’t want to date you and any women who does has a problem and will probably cheat on you or cause some other drama. Don’t be negative, be positive. Also remember its up to him, this is his life. We are very close. I see him all the time... his friends are my friends and so on. I have done everything I can to encourage him to lose weight. I would drop by his apartment every day to take him to the gym with me and his younger brother, plus one other friend. He turns me down every day. He has also convinced himself that he is eating healthy. Actually his diet isn't all that bad... he just needs portion control. The guy can eat 3 steaks at a meal. He learned this stuff playing football. He was a stud athlete... It took 3 guys to block him. I saw him get a sack by throwing the offensive lineman into the quarterback. I know it's an emotional coping mechanism. He was abused by a babysitter when he was very, very young. When his Ex GF started cheating... he started eating. He just hasn't stopped yet. 4 years later. Oh you mustn't say that to him, UF. Even if he's on a bit of a high right now with the new job, I bet the ex girlfriend cheating thing has left a really vulnerable spot. Telling somebody they're not capable of inspiring love is just wrong on every level. It's cruel and it's also inaccurate. Love is way too complicated a thing to assess anybody of being incapable of inspiring. I'm not good at visualising things, so I can't really picture what a 400 pound 6 ft 1 man looks like. I recall having an enormously fat man interested in me for a while, and my reaction was "absolutely not". I found him immensely self pitying and manipulative - and the impression I had was that that was simply who he was, and who he would be regardless of his size. Because of that, he wasn't somebody I even wanted to be friends with. Him aside, I've met enormous men I've liked...but I think generally they assume women won't be interested. It would be correct insofar as there's a sexual attraction problem there. However, lots of women are fixer-uppers. If we see potential in a man we'll often be prepared to give him a chance. In a situation like that the emphasis would be on encouraging him to get into shape first. That would be where a man like that could find himself "friend-zoned" until he got himself into better shape. He has a HUGE group of female friends. I dunno. If he was still not making money I would encourage him to look for love. However, I know that the good job is just going to attract ALL the wrong women. His crazy Cockaholic Ex is proof of that. She had him doing everything for her.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I have done everything I can to encourage him to lose weight. I would drop by his apartment every day to take him to the gym with me and his younger brother, plus one other friend. He turns me down every day. You mentioned he used to play football, I would encourage him to take up a cardio-rich sport (like basketball, or even flag football, something like that). When he gets out on the court (or field) and realizes just how out of shape he really is maybe then you will be able to convince him to get in shape. Tie it to performance (value to the team) rather than merely health or aesthetics. That's one of the major things that encouraged me to lose weight years ago. I loved sports (mostly basketball and football) and I played fairly well, but I knew that I had to get in shape to be able to be at my best. I knew there would be health and looks benefits but you have to also be able to tie weight loss to something fun in order for it to work and be lasting. He has also convinced himself that he is eating healthy. Actually his diet isn't all that bad... he just needs portion control. The guy can eat 3 steaks at a meal. And that is a major concern. Guys with robust appetites often never get rid of them. This can get exacerbated once they do get in shape, because their muscles will demand more fuel, thus increasing appetite even more. Even now I still have this problem. Without getting into specifics I'll just say that I've won more than my fair share of eating contests without even trying. I've gotten more conscious of it now and I've stopped, but like me, he will have to watch himself for the rest of his life.
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