East7 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I have been wondering, why is that - paradoxally - single APs are generally faithful to their married partner. I have noticed that most of the single APs, women or men, keep their MP as exclusive while MPs sleep next to their spouses every night. Talking about myself during the A, I had no desire to see other women. Of course there were nice and cute women that I would like but nothing more. I dated twice during the A but it ended quickly as I wasn't emotionally available and invested. The worse of all was while having sex I would paradoxally feel a lot of guilt for "cheating" on my MW - Then I was like WTF is wrong with me ? This feeling of belonging went on even when the A was over. I had no problem of meeting other women but it has been very hard to having any emotional bond with someone else. Why is that single APs are so attached emotionally and/or physically to their cheating MP ? Is their love more 'pure' ?
donnamaybe Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Maybe it's because they're trying SO hard to "win" them from the BS.
Lostinlife4now Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I WISH I new the answer to this question myself! :confused::confused:
wheelwright Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I have been wondering, why is that - paradoxally - single APs are generally faithful to their married partner. I have noticed that most of the single APs, women or men, keep their MP as exclusive while MPs sleep next to their spouses every night. Talking about myself during the A, I had no desire to see other women. Of course there were nice and cute women that I would like but nothing more. I dated twice during the A but it ended quickly as I wasn't emotionally available and invested. The worse of all was while having sex I would paradoxally feel a lot of guilt for "cheating" on my MW - Then I was like WTF is wrong with me ? This feeling of belonging went on even when the A was over. I had no problem of meeting other women but it has been very hard to having any emotional bond with someone else. Why is that single APs are so attached emotionally and/or physically to their cheating MP ? Is their love more 'pure' ? MAPs can feel like this too. I had sex with H once during my A, and this expperience was enough to ensure I didn't want to repeat. I felt disconnected, guilty and dishonest. I had every reason to believe xMOM had no sexual contact with his BS during the A. While he did not bad-mouth his BS and spoke highly of her in many respects, he was quite bitter when he discussed the lack of intimacy. Additionally, I got to hear second hand when he did re-connect with her physically, as they had a party to celebrate and he bragged about sex again after so long. At this point I realised of course that he didn't respect me or our R, and the A ended. However my feelings did not similarly end, and I had the same problems feeling that I should remain faithful. I have come to think that there are two strands to faithfulness. 1. To be true to your own feelings and beliefs 2. To show loyalty to others you care about. A major problem with As is that they generate a conflict between these two aspects. At best an AP lives in compromise with one or both, and at worst loses sight of them altogether. Anyway, I think the staying true when no longer involved would be normal while you resolve the compromises and reach for equilibrium.
Author East7 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Maybe it's because they're trying SO hard to "win" them from the BS. Challenge is a powerful turn on, but not in my case. I never tried to win her over her H. I wanted her to leave on her own decision.
wheelwright Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I should add that in the case of a single AP, while they may not have the need to show loyalty unless they have promised it, they will still have feelings which need to be honoured (even feelings which you no longer really want!).
Author East7 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 MAPs can feel like this too. I had sex with H once during my A, and this expperience was enough to ensure I didn't want to repeat. I felt disconnected, guilty and dishonest. ................... At this point I realised of course that he didn't respect me or our R, and the A ended. However my feelings did not similarly end, and I had the same problems feeling that I should remain faithful. I have come to think that there are two strands to faithfulness. 1. To be true to your own feelings and beliefs 2. To show loyalty to others you care about. A major problem with As is that they generate a conflict between these two aspects. At best an AP lives in compromise with one or both, and at worst loses sight of them altogether. Anyway, I think the staying true when no longer involved would be normal while you resolve the compromises and reach for equilibrium. Great post WW. And your 'conflict theory' is very interesting but it applies only to MPs IMO. Strangely my xMW confessed feeling guilt of 'cheating' on me when sleeping with her H.
wheelwright Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 And your 'conflict theory' is very interesting but it applies only to MPs IMO. Strangely my xMW confessed feeling guilt of 'cheating' on me when sleeping with her H. I think the conflict for a single AP is more complex. They have the natural pull to show loyalty to the WS, but realise this is a one-way street. It's why it's so dangerous to get involved with a committed AP. You can overcome this problem mentally. You can overrule the draw to this kind of loyalty. You can't overrule your feelings. That requires a revolution!
OldOnTheInside Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I have come to think that there are two strands to faithfulness. 1. To be true to your own feelings and beliefs 2. To show loyalty to others you care about. A major problem with As is that they generate a conflict between these two aspects. At best an AP lives in compromise with one or both, and at worst loses sight of them altogether.Well eff me WW. That's profound. *strokes chin* That is the simultaneous beauty and curse of the conscience IMO. A curse because it holds you back. Beautiful because it holds you back. They have the natural pull to show loyalty to the WS, but realise this is a one-way street. It's why it's so dangerous to get involved with a committed AP. You mean a love martyr? Sounds more romantic in fiction, than in real life. Strangely my xMW confessed feeling guilt of 'cheating' on me when sleeping with her H. An emotional disconnect perhaps? Husband in name only (HINO)? Or maybe she wasn't the most mentally sound individual.
JaneyAmazed Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I have been wondering, why is that - paradoxally - single APs are generally faithful to their married partner. I have noticed that most of the single APs, women or men, keep their MP as exclusive while MPs sleep next to their spouses every night. Talking about myself during the A, I had no desire to see other women. Of course there were nice and cute women that I would like but nothing more. I dated twice during the A but it ended quickly as I wasn't emotionally available and invested. The worse of all was while having sex I would paradoxally feel a lot of guilt for "cheating" on my MW - Then I was like WTF is wrong with me ? This feeling of belonging went on even when the A was over. I had no problem of meeting other women but it has been very hard to having any emotional bond with someone else. Why is that single APs are so attached emotionally and/or physically to their cheating MP ? Is their love more 'pure' ? The truth is (unless you are were misled), the OM choses to get involved with the AP knowing she's married. He knows she will be sleeping next to another man when she's not with the OM. So the "relationship" starts out with your willingness to share a woman and her willingness to be with two men. No one can predict what emotional attachments will arise during the affair by either person. That's why, if I had to give one piece of advice to anyone, single, married, whatever...guard your heart. When enter a relationship that's not exclusive you leave your heart unprotected.
wheelwright Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) You mean a love martyr? Sounds more romantic in fiction, than in real life. An emotional disconnect perhaps? Husband in name only (HINO)? Or maybe she wasn't the most mentally sound individual. For anyone M in name only and trying to effect a sense of inner integrity, there is going to be some mental disturbance. This will likely be temporary, as things will require resolution within such an individual. Interestingly, a M couple I know came up with a solution which is unusual. Separate bedrooms, freedom to explore others (with no tales told) and an acceptance that the M was less than it should be. Fast forward five years, and they have resolved their issues, realise they want to grow old together, and are conventionally M once again. And no scars on either conscience! Beautiful. Sorry for tj East. Will get back on topic. Edited July 20, 2011 by wheelwright
Gentlegirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 East, I was the single AP. It was the same for me. Never looked at another man during the whole three years of the A. I went out with a mixed group of people from time to time but that was it. Even after 7 months NC, I still cannot get interested in another man. I have had several dates but they all ended up with me retreating because I still feel some attachment for the xMM. Does anybody know if this feeling will ever fade? I do hope it will as it makes the rebuilding of my life post A rather difficult. Guess it's part of the price we pay for the A. Cheers, Gentlegirl
OldOnTheInside Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 For anyone M in name only and trying to effect a sense of inner integrity, there is going to be some mental disturbance. I was thinking of something more serious than a "mental disturbance"... Anyway, I'd speculate that some of it has to do with the overall emotional power imbalance, common in the type of affairs you're describing. Basically, you have a BS that's left relatively ignorant, and an AP that has to accept that they are sharing the WS. I won't go into whether the WS is being purposefully malicious or not. But the affair triangle is definately not split evenly between the WS, BS, and AP. Or it could be a reflection of the personal issues that the AP has. Anyway, since my experience as a OM was nothing like your own, E7, I can't really say.
wheelwright Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 East, Even after 7 months NC, I still cannot get interested in another man. I have had several dates but they all ended up with me retreating because I still feel some attachment for the xMM. Does anybody know if this feeling will ever fade? I do hope it will as it makes the rebuilding of my life post A rather difficult. I can only speak for myself. Others move through these things differently. I could not let go of the love I felt for xMOM, but I found that I could let go of the attachment. Which included letting go of the disabling aspects of the grief, which were in part due to being attached to an outcome which didn't happen. To be single you need to be 'unattached'. Why are you still attached exactly? Maybe write out answers to this question on paper, to help work it out. I did this a few weeks ago in the form of an unsent letter to xMOM, and I got to the root of the problem why I could not let go. What I realised was that I wrongly equated loving someone with guilt about letting go. About constantly needing to be in a state of offering him a second chance should he want it, however far down the line. It was about my past casting a shadow on my future. This feels very personal to write, so I blood* well hope it helps!
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Maybe it's because they're trying SO hard to "win" them from the BS. So why not make them jealous? Of the two options my experience and what I've read of others leads me to believe that making the point that they are not the only - what do you and your gang call them? 'soul meat'??? - they're more likely to realise that the world does NOT revolve around them. Staying faithful could be construed as allowing them to take you for granted. Or not. Depends on the nature of the R.
NoIDidn't Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 So why not make them jealous? Of the two options my experience and what I've read of others leads me to believe that making the point that they are not the only - what do you and your gang call them? 'soul meat'??? - they're more likely to realise that the world does NOT revolve around them. LOL. Couldn't understand what this alphabet jumble was trying to say. But it sure sounds funny. Staying faithful could be construed as allowing them to take you for granted. Or not. Depends on the nature of the R. Actually pretty interesting. I agree that the single AP's faithfulness is being taken for granted, but its apparent that the MP feels the same way about their spouse - that's why they are cheating. They take people and the things those people try to do for them, for granted! What I don't understand is how any OP sits back and allows it to happen. I wasn't a very faithful OW. I didn't sleep with anyone else, but I certainly wasn't waiting around for a phone call from my guy, and he knew it. I'm thinking its not something in the R, but in the OP that allows them to undervalue themselves and their time for a person that's protecting their commitment to someone else and giving them the short end of the stick.
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 When my guy went awol on me, (i.e. when I joined LS) I went and seriously partied with my best friend. And someone who I considered a truly 'great catch' showed an interest big-time. He's funny, sexy, fit and has a decent job in the Met. No way could I have done the deed. And it wasn't out of loyalty to my guy. It was because I loved someone else. It was because I didn't want to lead someone else on. It was because I didn't want to be disloyal to my own beliefs. I wanted to heal and not complicate things. I know it's slightly different for me in that my guy was in a non-sexual relationship, but even were they getting their rocks off every night, my decision was based on respect for myself and respect for the guy concerned.
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 LOL. Couldn't understand what this alphabet jumble was trying to say. But it sure sounds funny. Sorry - simplified version: Make them jealous, it's more likely to elicit a response an OW would appreciate.
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I wasn't a very faithful OW. I didn't sleep with anyone else Well, if you weren't an UNfaithful AP that makes you a faithful AP. Nothing to be ashamed of
NoIDidn't Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Well, if you weren't an UNfaithful AP that makes you a faithful AP. Nothing to be ashamed of LOL. Did you mean UNfaithful OP? Seems like an oxymoron - a person having or participating in an affair (obviously not being faithful to some ideal) calling their actions faithful. LOL
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 LOL. Did you mean UNfaithful OP? Seems like an oxymoron - a person having or participating in an affair (obviously not being faithful to some ideal) calling their actions faithful. LOL Were you faithful to your AP or not?
NoIDidn't Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Were you faithful to your AP or not? I suppose I wasn't in his eyes. He wanted me lonely and holed up until he had time to see me - and we saw each other quite often. We spent most nights together since she worked nights and they didn't live together. Like I said, I never slept with anyone else while we were involved. And I also never formed any deep emotional ties with others either. But the fact that I went out on dates was upsetting to him. He would tell me years later that his failed marriage to her was my fault, as he proposed to her to show me that he was willing to marry someone and wanted me to stop dating. Talk about faulty logic. If he wanted my faithfulness to our relationship, he needed to be proposing to ME not to her. Either way, not ever ashamed of my actions in not being exclusive to him.
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Were you faithful to your AP or not? I never slept with anyone else while we were involved. And I also never formed any deep emotional ties with others either. That covers 'faithfulness' to me. If he had jealousy issues it goes beyond your commitment to him, IMO, and is his problem.
donnamaybe Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I suppose I wasn't in his eyes. He wanted me lonely and holed up until he had time to see me - and we saw each other quite often. We spent most nights together since she worked nights and they didn't live together. Like I said, I never slept with anyone else while we were involved. And I also never formed any deep emotional ties with others either. But the fact that I went out on dates was upsetting to him. He would tell me years later that his failed marriage to her was my fault, as he proposed to her to show me that he was willing to marry someone and wanted me to stop dating. Talk about faulty logic. If he wanted my faithfulness to our relationship, he needed to be proposing to ME not to her. Either way, not ever ashamed of my actions in not being exclusive to him. Yup. The cake eater type of cheater wants an obedient AP.
NoIDidn't Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Yup. The cake eater type of cheater wants an obedient AP. Exactly what he was. LOL. I later found out he had many others in addition to me, so it was totally laughable that he wanted me to be exclusive to him when he wasn't exclusive to anyone. I don't understand how someone could demand faithfulness when they aren't offering it. I guess it goes along with the many OPs that have come through these forums that claim to know that their MP hasn't had sex with their spouses since the A began. It must make them feel somewhat exclusive if the MP is only sleeping with them. I gave only that level of exclusivity to my ex but it was for my own protection, not his. Question for the faithful APs: would you keep up the exclusive sexual relationship with the MP if you know for a fact that they are still having sex with their spouse?
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