What's Love got to do with it???

[half_ofa_heart]

Is it Love???? It sure the hell feels like it! It’s the closest thing to LOVE that I’ve ever encountered in my 45+ years of living. I was married once and I thought my husband was the love of my life but he wasn’t and it took me 9 years to figure that out.

 

Do I believe he loves me??? Yes I do! Do I believe he loves his wife??? Absolutely! Does he love himself more than either of us??? You bet your ass he does!

 

I cannot speak for HIS feelings and can ONLY speak for my own and I have no doubt in my mind that I love this man; so much, that I’m putting my love for HIM ahead of my love for MYSELF. There in lies my problem. Here is my daily and constant struggle. What does loving a married man say about ME??? How do I start loving MYSELF more than HIM when I LOVE how being with him makes ME feel?

 

I love him. I love how he makes me feel. I love the things he says to me and how he calls me or texts me with the silliest little reminders he comes across that make him think of me. I love that he doesn’t just tell me he loves me, he tells me WHAT he loves about me. I love that he listens to every need and desire I have and does what he can to make me happy… except for the ultimate desire which is to be with him openly and freely.

 

Yes, he belongs to someone else L. He is living a lie! He is deceiving the only person he has promised to be faithful to for the rest of his living days. When I think of these things, I think to myself… “How can you believe that he actually loves YOU?” I can’t explain how I just feel it. Does it justify my or his behavior? Hell no! Does his wife deserve ANY of this???? F**K NO!!!

 

I’ve tried and tried and tried to end things; not because I want things to be over between us but because at the end of the day… I hate looking in the mirror because I HATE what I’m doing to his wife and family. I know I am a person of integrity (I truly am!) but how can I believe that when I continue to deceive?!? When and how will I ever be able to break this toxic chain of lies and go back to living a life of honesty?

 

I come to LS (and many other sites) every single day, looking for some kind of insight or words of wisdom that will somehow catapult me in the direction I want to go in. I have taken LOTS of your words of wisdom only to fail yet again. I have sought IC and have come out empty and feeling worse then when I walked in. Every time I muster up the strength to end it, within weeks (7 weeks was the max) I’m right back to being in his arms – tears streaming down both our faces. I’ve never struggled with anything more crippling than this!

[Summer Breeze]

Is it Love???? It sure the hell feels like it! It’s the closest thing to LOVE that I’ve ever encountered in my 45+ years of living. I was married once and I thought my husband was the love of my life but he wasn’t and it took me 9 years to figure that out.

 

Do I believe he loves me??? Yes I do! Do I believe he loves his wife??? Absolutely! Does he love himself more than either of us??? You bet your ass he does!

 

I cannot speak for HIS feelings and can ONLY speak for my own and I have no doubt in my mind that I love this man; so much, that I’m putting my love for HIM ahead of my love for MYSELF. There in lies my problem. Here is my daily and constant struggle. What does loving a married man say about ME??? How do I start loving MYSELF more than HIM when I LOVE how being with him makes ME feel?

 

I love him. I love how he makes me feel. I love the things he says to me and how he calls me or texts me with the silliest little reminders he comes across that make him think of me. I love that he doesn’t just tell me he loves me, he tells me WHAT he loves about me. I love that he listens to every need and desire I have and does what he can to make me happy… except for the ultimate desire which is to be with him openly and freely.

 

Yes, he belongs to someone else L. He is living a lie! He is deceiving the only person he has promised to be faithful to for the rest of his living days. When I think of these things, I think to myself… “How can you believe that he actually loves YOU?” I can’t explain how I just feel it. Does it justify my or his behavior? Hell no! Does his wife deserve ANY of this???? F**K NO!!!

 

I’ve tried and tried and tried to end things; not because I want things to be over between us but because at the end of the day… I hate looking in the mirror because I HATE what I’m doing to his wife and family. I know I am a person of integrity (I truly am!) but how can I believe that when I continue to deceive?!? When and how will I ever be able to break this toxic chain of lies and go back to living a life of honesty?

 

I come to LS (and many other sites) every single day, looking for some kind of insight or words of wisdom that will somehow catapult me in the direction I want to go in. I have taken LOTS of your words of wisdom only to fail yet again. I have sought IC and have come out empty and feeling worse then when I walked in. Every time I muster up the strength to end it, within weeks (7 weeks was the max) I’m right back to being in his arms – tears streaming down both our faces. I’ve never struggled with anything more crippling than this!

 

It sounds to me like you're getting closer to the end. I remember having moments like that. I started to love him more than myself. One time I realized it and I had a hard time pulling back from it. I ended it. No drama. I told him it'd run its course and we were done. I didn't ask him to leave and I didn't give ultimatums. It was over.

 

It was hard but the time was right. Until you reach 'a point' you won't do it. It's no different than dating someone for so long and it's habit and you lose yourself in the R. Even losing yourself in a M. Something will trigger it and you'll see yourself-ready.

 

I say enjoy how he makes you feel now. Build up memories and momentos. When you're done and you look back you can see the things that brought you so much happiness.

 

Good luck hon.

[Summer Breeze]

By the way, yes, I thnk it's love. I'm not a believer in calling love between A partners 'fog' and between anyone else 'love'. It's love. An addiction, fog-it's love.

[Emme]

I think its best to say what someone feels shouldn’t be dismissed. We live in a world that dictates what our emotions should be. What we should and shouldn’t feel for someone. Loving an AP is real. There are instances where it is more real than anything else you’ve experienced in life. No one can dismiss those emotions. I am not sure in what rule book it’s written that a person can only love one individual. Love is a broad aspect that can’t be regulated. The way you love someone might not be the same as you love someone else. It doesn’t mean that that love should be dismissed. Love does not disperse because you will it. The same pattern of falling in love is what happens when you fall out of love. It’s a process that takes time. It won’t go away until it’s ready to. Congrats on your 7 weeks of success. It’s not at all a failure. Keep pushing to find out where you want to be in life. All I beg you is that in the end it’s want you truly want. Best wishes keep your chin up.

[Gentlegirl]

Is it Love???? It sure the hell feels like it! It’s the closest thing to LOVE that I’ve ever encountered in my 45+ years of living. I was married once and I thought my husband was the love of my life but he wasn’t and it took me 9 years to figure that out.

 

Do I believe he loves me??? Yes I do! Do I believe he loves his wife??? Absolutely! Does he love himself more than either of us??? You bet your ass he does!

 

I cannot speak for HIS feelings and can ONLY speak for my own and I have no doubt in my mind that I love this man; so much, that I’m putting my love for HIM ahead of my love for MYSELF. There in lies my problem. Here is my daily and constant struggle. What does loving a married man say about ME??? How do I start loving MYSELF more than HIM when I LOVE how being with him makes ME feel?

 

I love him. I love how he makes me feel. I love the things he says to me and how he calls me or texts me with the silliest little reminders he comes across that make him think of me. I love that he doesn’t just tell me he loves me, he tells me WHAT he loves about me. I love that he listens to every need and desire I have and does what he can to make me happy… except for the ultimate desire which is to be with him openly and freely.

 

Yes, he belongs to someone else L. He is living a lie! He is deceiving the only person he has promised to be faithful to for the rest of his living days. When I think of these things, I think to myself… “How can you believe that he actually loves YOU?” I can’t explain how I just feel it. Does it justify my or his behavior? Hell no! Does his wife deserve ANY of this???? F**K NO!!!

 

I’ve tried and tried and tried to end things; not because I want things to be over between us but because at the end of the day… I hate looking in the mirror because I HATE what I’m doing to his wife and family. I know I am a person of integrity (I truly am!) but how can I believe that when I continue to deceive?!? When and how will I ever be able to break this toxic chain of lies and go back to living a life of honesty?

 

I come to LS (and many other sites) every single day, looking for some kind of insight or words of wisdom that will somehow catapult me in the direction I want to go in. I have taken LOTS of your words of wisdom only to fail yet again. I have sought IC and have come out empty and feeling worse then when I walked in. Every time I muster up the strength to end it, within weeks (7 weeks was the max) I’m right back to being in his arms – tears streaming down both our faces. I’ve never struggled with anything more crippling than this!

 

I think I have experienced a lot of what you have written.

YOu have to really have the desire to break the chain. If you stay in the relationship long enough, you will experience isolation from the rest of the world, loss of self esteem and loneliness.

 

It sounds as though you are already feeling anguish and unhappiness. It is such a dark place to live in.

 

My crystal ball tells me that something will eventually push you so far that you will never go back there again. It cannot go on forever and the sooner you get out of the darkness.... so much the better for you. It will destroy you and your whole world. I think you realising and reaching out on LS.

 

Of course he is wonderful to you... treats you like a Princess??? Remembers every little detail about you, has pet names for you, knows everytime you sneeze??? Has told you every secret he ever had????

 

I think of it as payment for services rendered. It might be intimacy, your company, your affection. He is able to do that because you aren't in his normal day to day world. YOu and he are in a fantasy, as lovely as it is!

 

Please put YOU first, because he is definitely putting himself and his wife well in front of you. You are not his slave.

 

YOu are half way there because and you have answered a lot of your own questions.

 

All my best wishes are with you,

 

Gentlegirl

 

 

p.s. Keep coming back here because most of the people are fabulous as support.!

[fooled once]

Ditto what the others have said.

 

I think this is the beginning of the end, which is good. Time for you to move forward and be happy. Time for you to find you again; to find someone who is just for you and to enjoy your life with.

 

Best wishes!!

[half_ofa_heart]

Thanks to all of you who have posted! I am FAR from out of this relationship. I WANT out because it is truly eating me alive from the inside out but to say that I'm realizing it.... I don't see it

 

I'm stuck in between loving him and loving myself. I do love how it feels to be with him but HATE how being without him feels. I sound so weak and pathetic - two adjectives I've never used to describe myself.

 

Dark Place??? Truly an understatement! I know I will eventually get out of this dark place - I just wish it was sooner than later.

 

I saw in another thread where someone was comparing ending an affair to quitting smoking and wishing there was a gum for that Someone could make millions!!!

 

seriously thanking you all soooooo much for helping me thru this.

[heartinlove]

Thanks to all of you who have posted! I am FAR from out of this relationship. I WANT out because it is truly eating me alive from the inside out but to say that I'm realizing it.... I don't see it

 

I'm stuck in between loving him and loving myself. I do love how it feels to be with him but HATE how being without him feels. I sound so weak and pathetic - two adjectives I've never used to describe myself.

 

Dark Place??? Truly an understatement! I know I will eventually get out of this dark place - I just wish it was sooner than later.

 

I saw in another thread where someone was comparing ending an affair to quitting smoking and wishing there was a gum for that Someone could make millions!!!

 

seriously thanking you all soooooo much for helping me thru this.

 

First off be kind to yourself. Lots of normally good hearted people get into an affair and have a very hard time climbing out. It might take a few attempts for you, and things have to be more negative than positive, and the pain has to become overbearing for most people to end it once and for all. It sounds like you are on your way to finding a way out, but its taking more time than you'd like.

 

Does he say he will ever leave the marriage? If not, being in an affair indefinitely is a guaranteed life of pain. Unless there is an end in site, use that as motivation to get out. Thing about how painful it is to not be with him and to not be fully his, try not to dwell on the good times, and how you deserve so much more and that should help break the cycle. Most of all be kind to yourself in the process.

[NoIDidn't]

This sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic that you are having a hard time breaking free from. IC usually does make you feel worse before you feel better when your unhealthy behaviors are revealed and you wish you'd seen it before some stranger showed it to you - but it eventually helps when you want more for yourself than what you are giving yourself.

 

You will end this. When you get sick and sick of yo-yoing, of being sick and tired, you will end it. You're already there. You have no idea how close you are to truly getting out from under the spell of affair "love".

 

And, no, I don't believe its love. Especially as he's equally likely to look back one day and say he didn't know what he was thinking in cheating on his W vs wondering 'what if' concerning you.

 

Good luck.

[half_ofa_heart]

What's the plan half? Does he say he is leaving?

 

 

Hon you know the longer this goes on the more likely it's going to be a huge hurtful explosion.

 

Hey BB,

 

He has never given me a specific DATE of when or even IF he's leaving. They have a small child and he says the child is the only thing keeping him there. Their two other children are MUCH older and says he would leave now if he didn't have the little one. He tells me that he CANNOT imagine growing old with her and as soon as his daughter is older he sees them going their separate ways. Not very convincing right??? His professions of love for me are more convincing.

 

I've told him that I will not wait around to see IF this happens yet, here I am, still around. It's been 2 years and I feel like we've reached a peak and soon it's gonna go one way or the other. I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm so-to-speak.

 

I seriously come here EVERY SINGLE DAY and it truly keeps me somewhat sane! I cannot imagine how CRAZY I'd be if it weren't for LS.

 

thanks to ALL of you!

[half_ofa_heart]

You do realize that the younger the child the less traumatic a divorce is for them, right?

 

Hon you are not as powerless as you portray yourself to be. A relationship that is so out of balance and filled with crazy is not healthy nor something that you can continue to do. Honestly........half, if he left today, there is so much ****z in the water that you could not have a good relationship with this man. Talk doesn't cost him a thing and words don't mean much in situations like this.

 

I used to be someone who put such emphasis on what someone said to me...........it was a big mistake.

 

for the bolded.... I know this PERSONALLY!!! I left when my daughter was just a bit older than his but I don't believe he's as concerned with how the split will affect her as much as how the split will affect HIS relationship with his daughter. He is VERY VERY close to her and simply cannot handle not being able to see and be with her every day.

 

REGARDLESS, I know the power is all mine but there is so much that gets in the way. Some days are better than others but it always falls back on the stupid love thing. The day I wake up and believe that it isn't love that he feels for me, will be the day that my power will take flight. Until then, I am here.

 

Thanks BB! I always take away so much from your posts.

[jthorne]

This sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic that you are having a hard time breaking free from. IC usually does make you feel worse before you feel better when your unhealthy behaviors are revealed and you wish you'd seen it before some stranger showed it to you - but it eventually helps when you want more for yourself than what you are giving yourself.

Totally agree. Most people give up IC when the going gets tough, and it takes commitment and guts to dig deep to discover what is causing the destructive behaviors.

 

And' date=' no, I don't believe its love. [/quote']I don't believe it's love either. Real love doesn't make a person come to a forum for Other Women "every single day, looking for some kind of insight or words of wisdom that will somehow catapult me in the direction I want to go in," as the OP stated.

 

I suggest giving IC another try, if not with the original therapist, then with another.

[half_ofa_heart]

Totally agree. Most people give up IC when the going gets tough, and it takes commitment and guts to dig deep to discover what is causing the destructive behaviors.

 

I don't believe it's love either. Real love doesn't make a person come to a forum for Other Women "every single day, looking for some kind of insight or words of wisdom that will somehow catapult me in the direction I want to go in," as the OP stated.

 

I suggest giving IC another try, if not with the original therapist, then with another.

 

I don't come here (LS) because I question the love. I come here every day because I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm conflicted between doing what I believe is right versus what FEELS right.

 

Tried 3 counselors and none of them were any good. I've been to IC before in my life and know enough that if you don't feel comfortable then you need to find someone else.

[cupshalfempty]

Oh yes I see so much of me in here.

 

I also come here daily. Its as though ur looking for clarification, support, to know your not the only one dying @ rejoicing @ the same time. Stories that show you the same lines your man gives you and reading them gives you strength and anger and hopefully eventually gets you up enough to reaally truly make the break.

 

My mm hounded me all day. I felt so sick, so distracted I left work early. He caught me as I left. Promises he is going to do it. He knows what he needs to do and that's be with me. Please just wait till the date I gave ...oct 1st, he said hopefully before...sept even...I said, and I know its totally giving him power, but whatever...that after that date its NC. He stops existing..no more contact @ all. He agreed. I jokingly said I want that in writting..he told me to bring the rule book (an empty notebook I jokingly call our rule book and refrence when it has an advantage for me to say "that's not in the rulebook" . Its immature...but I swear I will get it in writting...I asked him if he wants ketchup with it when I shove it down his throat oct. 1. I feel like an idiot for agreeing. But I don't think I'm ready to totally let go either. Ooh I'm close...but dunno.

 

Sorry to hijack...I just know it hurts so bad, your constantly doubting and that's not healthy in a relationship. Why are we doubting our worth? We are soo much better than this, we deserve to be loved without hiding it. To not be someones part time. If you want me take me, love me...if u don't..gtfo and let me move on.

[half_ofa_heart]

Oh yes I see so much of me in here.

 

I also come here daily. Its as though ur looking for clarification, support, to know your not the only one dying @ rejoicing @ the same time. Stories that show you the same lines your man gives you and reading them gives you strength and anger and hopefully eventually gets you up enough to reaally truly make the break.

 

My mm hounded me all day. I felt so sick, so distracted I left work early. He caught me as I left. Promises he is going to do it. He knows what he needs to do and that's be with me. Please just wait till the date I gave ...oct 1st, he said hopefully before...sept even...I said, and I know its totally giving him power, but whatever...that after that date its NC. He stops existing..no more contact @ all. He agreed. I jokingly said I want that in writting..he told me to bring the rule book (an empty notebook I jokingly call our rule book and refrence when it has an advantage for me to say "that's not in the rulebook" . Its immature...but I swear I will get it in writting...I asked him if he wants ketchup with it when I shove it down his throat oct. 1. I feel like an idiot for agreeing. But I don't think I'm ready to totally let go either. Ooh I'm close...but dunno.

 

Sorry to hijack...I just know it hurts so bad, your constantly doubting and that's not healthy in a relationship. Why are we doubting our worth? We are soo much better than this, we deserve to be loved without hiding it. To not be someones part time. If you want me take me, love me...if u don't..gtfo and let me move on.

 

Cup... don't apologize for threadjacking... we are in the same boat so it's all good. I've been where you are (less the date) but soooo determined to do the right thing, not just for me but for all involved, only to get roped back in with promises of love and pleading to hang in there because I'm truly the one he wants to be with. I have MANY MANY MANY emails with such please and saved voice mails when I wouldn't answer the phone. And when he couldn't get thru this way.... he'd show up at my work or at my door when he knew my kids weren't home.

 

This kind of behavior on their part, makes it damn near impossible to be strong and leave. It feels sooooo right yet you know is sooooo very wrong! Hence, the conflict!

 

Here on LS you read many of the same excuses he has given you, yet they sound and feel so real and authentic when he says them to you. I really do believe that he "believes" he loves me. I just think he has soooo many things going on in his life that are preventing him to be rational and come to an honest conclusion.

 

I know i'm smarter than this but I'm afraid my heart is making me dumb

[half_ofa_heart]

You are not dumb half........you are just messed up. BTDT and to keep doing it will mess you up more.

Hugs..........

 

BB, Everything you say is so right! I know you're right and this is why I come here. Cuz believe it or not, even though ALL of it doesn't stick into my warped little head, some of it does and I'm hoping in time, enough of it sticks to where it becomes blatantly apparent that the ONLY options is to do the right thing.

 

Thanks BB

[cupshalfempty]

LOL, I love that "my heart is making me dumb" totally how I feel. It always seems so sincere when he tells me. Today he came upto me over and over to say he wasn't going to just let us stop. Looking me right in the eye telling me he wants happiness, for both of us and that means us together totally and completely. Ooh god it sounds sincere. But I wonder if its like the wind, you hear it and feel it brush against your skin, but when you reach out nothing is there but air. I want so bad to believe he means it, yet sooo much of it sounds like typical mm, and I'm the typical ow...and I KNOW it!!

 

My mm does the same, calls, emails, texts, shows up @ my door (my kids know he's my bf we have keys to eachothers house's ) @ first im mad when he persits. I'm in anger mode, self defense mode, the I am strong and will win this for myself mode!!! But the worst is if I see him. Its much much easier to be "NO I am done! Ttm when your single!" When he isn't infront of me looking me in the eyes telling me to just please believe in him. And bribing me with bacon ...yep he's come to my house in the morning to cook me bacon to get back on my good side (I can't cook bacon for the life of me...he knows. I'm not a big foodie but bacon....bribing me with bacon is a big joke between us) the worst is he is like my diary. I tell him EVERYTHING. Nothing @ all like the R ihad with XH. Losing that is going to kill me. I've never talked to anyone so much in my life, my every thought, all the stupid things I do, on and on about my kids. Losing that comfortableness I have with him will hurt so bad if he proves to me I'm right and in reality, its all just nothing and I've turned a weak lying man into my best friend, my lover, one of the most cherished people in my life.

 

Then we say...do we only see these as lines because we r looking for them? That's what he says, that I only see negative because I'm looking for negative. The negative is that he's married and promises that's going to change. Am I only looking for the negative in him because of that? YES!! The moment you told me you wanted me and only me..was the moment you had to make the choice between stringing me along waiting for you, and ending your marriage and truthfully being with me. That's...a HUGE negative.

[half_ofa_heart]

LOL, I love that "my heart is making me dumb" totally how I feel. It always seems so sincere when he tells me. Today he came upto me over and over to say he wasn't going to just let us stop. Looking me right in the eye telling me he wants happiness, for both of us and that means us together totally and completely. Ooh god it sounds sincere. But I wonder if its like the wind, you hear it and feel it brush against your skin, but when you reach out nothing is there but air. I want so bad to believe he means it, yet sooo much of it sounds like typical mm, and I'm the typical ow...and I KNOW it!!

 

My mm does the same, calls, emails, texts, shows up @ my door (my kids know he's my bf we have keys to eachothers house's ) @ first im mad when he persits. I'm in anger mode, self defense mode, the I am strong and will win this for myself mode!!! But the worst is if I see him. Its much much easier to be "NO I am done! Ttm when your single!" When he isn't infront of me looking me in the eyes telling me to just please believe in him. And bribing me with bacon ...yep he's come to my house in the morning to cook me bacon to get back on my good side (I can't cook bacon for the life of me...he knows. I'm not a big foodie but bacon....bribing me with bacon is a big joke between us) the worst is he is like my diary. I tell him EVERYTHING. Nothing @ all like the R ihad with XH. Losing that is going to kill me. I've never talked to anyone so much in my life, my every thought, all the stupid things I do, on and on about my kids. Losing that comfortableness I have with him will hurt so bad if he proves to me I'm right and in reality, its all just nothing and I've turned a weak lying man into my best friend, my lover, one of the most cherished people in my life.

 

Then we say...do we only see these as lines because we r looking for them? That's what he says, that I only see negative because I'm looking for negative. The negative is that he's married and promises that's going to change. Am I only looking for the negative in him because of that? YES!! The moment you told me you wanted me and only me..was the moment you had to make the choice between stringing me along waiting for you, and ending your marriage and truthfully being with me. That's...a HUGE negative.

 

Oh God Cup... I think we're dating the same MM (less the bacon)

 

My MM is all that as well... he is my best friend and claims that I am not only his best friend but his only friend. We talk all the time as well. We talk a MILLION times a day and if we can't speak, we IM.

 

I've often wondered if that's what makes our relationship seem so close and connected. In a "normal" relationship, sometimes people take talking for granted and get lost in "doiing" stuff rather than talking. Because we are forced to spend more time talking then doing, is that what brings us closer together??? I don't know! All I know is that when I try to end things, it feels like I've cut off all my limbs.

 

I LOVE your wind analogy! So true. You are constantly second guessing your own thoughts. He looks into your eyes so convincingly that he loves you and you are the one and only person on the planet he wants to be with then turns around and goes home . But like I said, I believe he seriously believes he does love me, I just question if he's in the right state of mind to be capable of it.

 

He phoned me today to tell me that when he went to his Mother-in-law's to pick up his daughter, he told her that he doesn't know how much more he can take from their daughter - that the constant belittling and berating has worn him out. He tells me that when he pictures himself in retirement (only 10 years away), he sees ME in his life NOT his wife. Again, no definite plans, just hopes and dreams. Dreams that I hang on to with every breath; desperately trying to separate out the truth from deception.

 

Hang in there cup... I've been here for 2 years and my love for him has only gotten stronger. I'm afraid I'm heading right for a brick wall at any given moment

[cupshalfempty]

I love that we see things the same way. I too believe he believes he loves me. I know I've hurt him so much with my yoyoing, but he knows its all in self defense of my heart. When I was first seperated I told him I wanted to date. I wanted to experience that and find someone that gives me all the happiness he does, but MORE. That I wanted to start a relationship from fresh, no water beneath the bridge as we would have both having cheated on our spouses together. He asked where his place was in this. I said...you won't have one. He agreed. He couldn't give me what I wanted he cried that he was losing me but said he knew I was ready to move on and start living. I went on one date..lol oh god all I did was compair them to eachother, I couldn't wait for it to be over. When I spoke to mm next he asked what I'd been doing and I told him about my date. That was pretty much it. He couldn't handle it. He wanted to be the one to build a life with me. From then on, I've been on the defensive. He's hypocritacle to expect me to be with him and have someone else. I've wondered if he wants to get caught @ times. Somedays @ work he has zero probs touching and kissing me where others can see. He has me over to his house, goes out with me in public..etc. Then he was texting me all night and weekends. But then when he got caught texting me, the night and weekend textsstopped. He says he leaves his phone out and sitting on the table and she constantly takes it now. Which also leaves me to believe if we were caught, I'd be gone. Its so confusing. How do we believe anything either way?

[donnamaybe]

You have hurt him with YOUR yo-yoing? Isn't he the one still married?

[Tenacity]

"How do I start loving MYSELF more than HIM when I LOVE how being with him makes ME feel?"

 

First I will tell you this. I've been through it all... years of being with a MM, who was incredibly loving and promising for the first couple of years, who promised to leave his W for me, who even initiated his own D-day to do so... only to end up back with her. Guilt, etc, etc.

 

But do you know what? In the long run, he ended up being hostile towards me because it hurt HER. Even though he pushed for the D-day.

 

Do NOT think your situation is different. That your MM is 'different'. Odds are great that he isn't. Your story, with the daughter needing to be older before he leaves, really says it all. You are going to get hurt, and hurt bad, if you stay in this. I see that you realize it already.

 

There will come a day when you no longer love how he makes you feel. You will in fact hate how he makes you feel, but it's all interspersed with everything else and it's not a black and white line in the sand so it's hard to see it. But you will wake up one day and realize that you HATE how he makes you feel. Mark my words.

 

When you get to that point, then you will make moves to get out.

 

Do you love him? Does he love you?

 

I used to think that meant everything. But it means nothing, unless backed up with action. Does it matter if he actually does love you, even if he chooses to stay in his M? No... not in the end.

[twinsmom]

For the first time ever, albeit very briefly, I think I got a glimpse of what this OW forum is SUPPOSED to be about. Two OW sharing their hopes, their dreams, and yes, their angst. And angst is not exclusive to extramarital relationships. It occurs in "normal" relationships as well. But I'm sure this valuable rapport will be short-lived with the appearance of people who shouldn't really be chiming in anyway. Wait! It already has been! Yes, this is a public forum, and everyone is allowed to say and participate in any way they want, but the point of this very forum is to support OW/OM who find themselves in a position in which they want to dicuss their situation with other like-minded individuals. It was nice while it lasted..

[2sunny]

looks like you've handed him too much power... work on getting back to good balance for YOU.

 

get busy doing new things, meeting new people, new experiences.

 

be open with the new folks you meet... your MM may never be available - so start dating.

 

want more for yourself - you deserve it. if you're not going to make you - your own priority - why should he?

[cupshalfempty]

You have hurt him with YOUR yo-yoing? Isn't he the one still married?

 

I wasn't aware of the fact that marriage made you an emotionless zombie.

 

Yes I've hurt him. Whether its in the same manner as I'm hurt is irrelavant. Relationships aren't tit-for-tat. Either I've hurt his feelings by leaving for the upteenth time, telling him how I never want to be in contact with him again and its hurt him deeply, or he's simply hurt @ losing his ego stroker I don't know, but in reality..I have hurt him too.

[Dionysus]

I wasn't aware of the fact that marriage made you an emotionless zombie.

 

You'd be surprised.