laehop Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I guess I should start from the beginning of time...lol I met this guy when i was 13 years old (almost 30 years ago now) and he introduced me to his father as his future wife. Well, today I am still not his wife, nor will I ever be. However, we are still friends and still talk about the what ifs of our life. He is my safety net so to speak because i know I can talk there and no matter what I say it is ok, not to mention he lives four states away. He will talk to me about current relationships, life, fantasize about sex together... it just does not matter because we both know it will never happen between us. I also feel that I am not the only one he talks to this way so I put no trust in anything he says about us ever being together and honestly I dont know if I would ever want to be together. It sounds good in theory, but in reality... I just dont see it happening. In the mean time I met this great guy. Like all of us, he has some issues. But he was the most awesome man I had ever met up to this point in my life. He treated me like a queen and would do anything in his power to help me. My issue is that he never trusted me from the beginning which eventually lead to me giving him a reason not to trust me. After two years of hearing all the reasons he did not trust me and in moments of stupidity I ruined every thing by contacting that old friend of mine and sharing some inappropriate conversations with him just like before. That was 2 years ago and I lied through my teeth to protect the friendship that me and the old friend had. To save the relationship with the good guy though, I broke off all contact with the old friend. Well, 2 years later here I am again because i could not answer the good mans question... "why did I do it?" So the only way I knew to answer the question was to go back to the old friend and find out... (wrong move btw)... what made matters worse, was that I knew that if my great guy ever found out it would end us... so in order to protect the good, I lied again... (another wrong move). Of course he found out again... A good liar I am not. It eats me up inside and over the month we talked the relationship with the good guy grew worse and when the good guy found out, of course he left me. I cant say that I blame him... but the truth of the matter is that I love him and he loves me. I am seeking counseling for this one, I am supposed to get a call back next week because she is on vacation. I just dont know what draws me back into talking to this old friend when I had this wonderful man standing before me wanting nothing more for me to be all his. Why can't I just accept happiness and be happy, why would I have to screw something good up? Is it my own lack of trust? Is it that I have no self control? Am I just addicted to the old friend and the security of knowing he is lying to me so I can just talk and there be nothing to it? Is it that I am just afraid to be happy? I am not a bad person. I have my faults and not trusting others is one of them. Especially those I love the most, I trust the least because they can really hurt me. How crazy is that? Anyway, a friend of mine told me about this site and I told her I would check it out, spill my guts and see if anyone out there has any advice besides shoot myself...lol. I have kids, so that is not an option.
Author laehop Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Oh an important little bit of information I forgot... The old friend and I have never been physical in any way in 30 years. I have not physically cheated on the great man ever. Emotionally I did, but physically I never came close. One small plus on my many strikes against me!
Author laehop Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 i guess that says a lot when 86 people have read this and speechless... Doesn't sound like there is much hope!
Exit Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 What exactly happened between you and this guy from the time that you were 13 that you are still stuck on him? You didn't provide a lot of details, did you ever actually date? Was he the same age as you -- introducing you to his family as his future wife in his early teens? You do have some soul searching to do. Being more attracted to an unavailable person (whether he is in a relationship, or simply 4 states away) than you are to a loving partner standing right in front of you, hints that there may be some deeper issue here. Going to a counselor for help sounds like a great idea... you need to figure out what draws you back to this other guy. Obviously you have some trust issues to explore too, since you came right out and said "I trust the people I love the least, because they can hurt me". If you can't trust, you can't truly love. Trusting the people close to us is a risk that we all decide to take, and yes many times it can end up with getting hurt. But if your life is ruled by fear, there's no point. Did you have some traumatic abandonment event in your life? I doubt anyone here online will be able to help you as much as the counselor will, just make sure you get the most out of your sessions by not holding back and being completely open and honest so this counselor can help you. Best of luck.
westrock Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Especially those I love the most, I trust the least because they can really hurt me. How crazy is that? This. Why do you have this belief? Something happened in your past that is unresolved. Holding on to that belief conflicts directly with a basic component of a romantic relationsihp, trust.
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