My wife left, I know she has not been happy. I am not ready for this to end!

[unappreciated75]

First post here; thanks for listening:

 

My wife and I have been together for 12 years (7 dating, 5 married). I know that she has not been happy lately, she has told me and I guess I have not done enough to change that (probably admittedly). Let me qualify a couple of important points:

 

1. Neither of us have ever been unfaithful or looked outside our relationship, I am 100% sure for me and 99% for her as I totally trust her.

2. We have a pretty healthy sex life. We are not jack rabbits, but we have nice emotional time together.

 

I am a very independent person that needs alone time. I have to admit that I am guilty of taking too much, but then again, there are no surprises, she knew me for 7 years prior to us getting married and that have not significantly changed.

 

The reason she left was because she told me she needed to more of what was going on in my life and feel more included. So she snooped into my personal email and dug out things. I wont go into the details, but lets just say (in complete honesty) that the examples she stated to me were ABSOLUTELY not what they seemed in the email. I told her if she chose to dig, she better have all the facts straight before accusing me of something. I am a very proud person and do not do well with being accused of things that I did not do; despite what she may have read in the email. I got really pissed and stormed out of the house with a bag (MY BAD in retrospect!). I came back when I came to my senses a couple of hours later and she was GONE!

 

I have always told my wife that I will support her with anything she wants (within reason of course) and leaving me is no different. We spoke the next day and she was going to stay with a friend and I said "OK, if that is what you need, I support it". This friend is also my friend, so I was not worried about her getting bad advice; oh so I thought.

 

I am a complete mess, I am worried about keeping my job as I cannot focus on anything other then self reflecting on what I can do to patch up this marriage. I did not eat for three days (BIG problem for me), I was very depressed which is very unlike me. I sincerely want to make this work, I am very attracted to my wife physically and emotionally. I trust her and I can count on her any time I may need it.

 

So today I found out that she told our friend about the emails she snooped. She is getting one side of the story and they are not how they appear as written; I really cannot be more clear about that! Our friend told her that she needs to divorce me and move on and that was the right thing to do. So now I am hurt to think that my friend would say such a thing? I am very hurt by that and pissed! OK, OK, you ask how I know this? Well I snooped too and found some emails. I feel bad about it because two wrongs dont make a right, I firmly believe that. But I have not idea what is happening and I am unable to stand up for myself and explain my side.

 

Wife came home a week later; I told her from the bottom of my heart that I want to make this relationship work; she said she did too. My wife is a wonderful person, but she also lacks self confidence; I am the polar opposite. Her return home changed my outlook and physical problems immediately! I ate a huge meal, my stomach stopped hurting and I had positive thoughts running through my head.

 

Went to our first marriage counselor yesterday. Wife pulls out a list all of all things making her unhappy so the entire session was her telling the therapist about all of it; I did not have a problem with that. What I did have a problem with was a statement that took my physical and mental state right back to a week ago. She said (almost verbatim) "I cannot count on my husband and he is the last person of think of calling if I need help". I was floored! That is NOT ME at all. So all I can think is that her mind is so clouded with unhappiness that she feels this way. NO OTHER close person in my life would EVER say that about me, it really hurt. We went home and I told her I am compassionate to her feelings, but that statement is NOT fair to me! I went to bed without dinner at 7pm. She came in and asked if I wanted her to leave; I said absolutely not, I need to figure this out, I need to learn to channel these feelings because I am quite sure this wont be the last time this kind of things happen in our future scheduled counseling sessions. She came to bed and were distant most of the night until about 4am. She rolled over and put her arm around me and pulled me close. We snuggled for an hour and then I got up.

 

Boy....this is going to be hard? Thanks for the long read, any advise, expertise or experience I appreciated!

Edited July 20, 2011 by unappreciated75

[KathyM]

Having the wrong marriage therapist can be a nail in the coffin for some marriages. When a couple goes to a marriage counselor and then uses that time to only hash out everything they don't like about the other person or the relationship, the session is counterproductive. When people are having severe marriage problems, what needs to happen is first of all to build on what the strengths are in the marriage and put back what is missing. Develop a game plan to get the marriage on track and focus on positive behaviors. After that is accomplished, then the negatives can be dealt with, but oftentimes, when the positive approach is taken, the negatives will automatically be resolved. The problem many marriage counselors make is that every session is geared around hashing out and rehashing everything that is wrong, and no positive progress is ever made. Your counselor should not have allowed the session to degenerate into just a laundry list of gripes. I would suggest either finding a better marriage counselor, or taking a marriage course offered by Mort Fertel, who focuses on building up a marriage and not tearing it down by ruminating on the negative stuff. You can google it and order it by mail. I have it, and it's very helpful. Just google Mort Fertel. The course costs about $850, but it's worth every penny. And just to comment on your situation, you say you are independent and didn't give your wife much of your time. That is not the way to conduct a marriage. She probably thought that once you were married, you would develop a married mindset and would be spending more time with her. That's a normal assumption. You need to get your priorities straight, and your wife should be #1 on that list. Can't live a single lifestyle of independence when you are no longer single. You have to invest in the relationship and spend time on it in order for it to stay healthy. As far as the Emails, you don't really specify what those were about, but you shouldn't be "fooling around" on the computer with things that are destructive to your marriage. If it involved other women, that's a no no. Even if you had not been unfaithful, you can't be flirting with other women or having inappropriate correspondence with them if you are married. It's very destructive. If you have done that, then apologize to her and make a promise to her that you will never do that again. Refusing to be held accountable for your actions is not getting you anywhere. Denying any wrongdoing just because it didn't lead to unfaithfulness is not getting you anywhere. You need to own up and ask for forgiveness and vow to change your behavior if there was any inappropriate activity on the computer that you were doing.

[David Cain]

The reason she left was because she told me she needed to more of what was going on in my life and feel more included. So she snooped into my personal email and dug out things. I wont go into the details, but lets just say (in complete honesty) that the examples she stated to me were ABSOLUTELY not what they seemed in the email. I told her if she chose to dig, she better have all the facts straight before accusing me of something. I am a very proud person and do not do well with being accused of things that I did not do; despite what she may have read in the email. I got really pissed and stormed out of the house with a bag (MY BAD in retrospect!). I came back when I came to my senses a couple of hours later and she was GONE!

 

Is that the complete truth or are you just trying to downplay the seriousness of the content in those emails?

 

Did she find something you were doing that could destroy your trust in her? Tell the truth.

[unappreciated75]

Thanks for the reply and the advice on the counseling!

 

I find it interesting that you assume that the "emails" in question that I did not elaborate on have to do with flirting or are "women" involved? NOT the case at all, I do not flirt, I do not have discussions with other women online whether of in person. I would never cheat on my wife or involve any silliness with other women.

 

I do not want to go into details on the emails for pirvacy reasons, but I will say that one email was a private discussion with a MALE friend of 15 years having relationship problems. It was between me and him and had nothing to do with me, my wife or our marriage in any way, shape or form.

 

I am far from perfect, I have faults and I am willing to admit it. I am willing to work at this relationship and I realize that I have to change to make it work. I am at fault here, I accept that; but like any relationship, it takes two to tango. I am certainly not 100% at fault here.

 

Its very hard to explain this whole situation on a forum and you are getting my side only; I get that.

[unappreciated75]

Is that the complete truth or are you just trying to downplay the seriousness of the content in those emails?

 

Did she find something you were doing that could destroy your trust in her? Tell the truth.

 

I am not sure how to answer that. I have undoubtedly hurt her and I need to work on better understanding why. The emails are not the reason she left, they just added fuel to the fire so to speak. Based on the true intentions and content of the emails in question; they should absolutely be stricken from the record.

 

I am talking to perfect strangers and asking for advice. If I am not being truthful, I am only fooling myself. I am well old enough to know better than that and would not waste my time with this by telling you what you want to hear.

[KathyM]

Thanks for the reply and the advice on the counseling!

 

I find it interesting that you assume that the "emails" in question that I did not elaborate on have to do with flirting or are "women" involved? NOT the case at all, I do not flirt, I do not have discussions with other women online whether of in person. I would never cheat on my wife or involve any silliness with other women.

 

I do not want to go into details on the emails for pirvacy reasons, but I will say that one email was a private discussion with a MALE friend of 15 years having relationship problems. It was between me and him and had nothing to do with me, my wife or our marriage in any way, shape or form.

 

I am far from perfect, I have faults and I am willing to admit it. I am willing to work at this relationship and I realize that I have to change to make it work. I am at fault here, I accept that; but like any relationship, it takes two to tango. I am certainly not 100% at fault here.

 

Its very hard to explain this whole situation on a forum and you are getting my side only; I get that.

Thank you for clarifying. I'm glad to hear your Emails were not with other women. You don't really specify why your wife objected to them, but perhaps you were saying negative things about your wife to your friend and she read them? That's also a no no. You have a responsibility in a marriage to protect your privacy as a couple and should not be badmouthing your wife to anyone. That can also do damage. If you have an issue with your wife, take it up with her or in counseling. Some men, and women, don't realise how destructive it can be to disclose their marriage issues with their friends or relatives. It does damage. I don't know what the actual issue is your wife is having with your Emails, so unless you let us know, I can only make suggestions on the possible scenarios. Maybe you've said something in the Email that showed bad character? I don't know. I'm done guessing. I've got to run, but I hope I've given you something to think about.

[carhill]

I'd suggest interviewing a different counselor and selecting one with a more balanced, proactive and forward-looking approach.

 

If you were to be perfectly honest, prior to this incident, have you been happy and satisfied with the 'state' of your marriage? Why?

 

My superficial read is that your wife finds you distant emotionally and unlikely to appear vulnerable. Unknown whether that is an accurate read. A counselor can assist. This may contradict with her natural style of relating in an intimate relationship. Being 'proud' and 'needing alone time' aren't bad or wrong. They're part of your style. You have choices as to how you implement that style through your behavior; same for your wife.

 

I found it took awhile to really 'listen' in MC and accept what was going on there; to own the perspective of my spouse. We had a good MC who stayed focused on today and with a plan for tomorrow. For us, it helped us accept that our emotional and intimacy styles were too different to reconcile in a healthy way. That was one potential outcome of many. I think the process taught both of us a lot.

 

Take it one day at a time and see how it goes.

[Afishwithabike]

I am a very independent person that needs alone time. I have to admit that I am guilty of taking too much, but then again, there are no surprises, she knew me for 7 years prior to us getting married and that have not significantly changed.

 

The reason she left was because she told me she needed to more of what was going on in my life and feel more included. So she snooped into my personal email and dug out things. I wont go into the details, but lets just say (in complete honesty) that the examples she stated to me were ABSOLUTELY not what they seemed in the email. I told her if she chose to dig, she better have all the facts straight before accusing me of something. I am a very proud person and do not do well with being accused of things that I did not do; despite what she may have read in the email. I got really pissed and stormed out of the house with a bag (MY BAD in retrospect!). I came back when I came to my senses a couple of hours later and she was GONE!

 

I have always told my wife that I will support her with anything she wants (within reason of course) and leaving me is no different. We spoke the next day and she was going to stay with a friend and I said "OK, if that is what you need, I support it". This friend is also my friend, so I was not worried about her getting bad advice; oh so I thought.

 

I am a complete mess, I am worried about keeping my job as I cannot focus on anything other then self reflecting on what I can do to patch up this marriage. I did not eat for three days (BIG problem for me), I was very depressed which is very unlike me. I sincerely want to make this work, I am very attracted to my wife physically and emotionally. I trust her and I can count on her any time I may need it.

 

So today I found out that she told our friend about the emails she snooped. She is getting one side of the story and they are not how they appear as written; I really cannot be more clear about that! Our friend told her that she needs to divorce me and move on and that was the right thing to do. So now I am hurt to think that my friend would say such a thing? I am very hurt by that and pissed! OK, OK, you ask how I know this? Well I snooped too and found some emails. I feel bad about it because two wrongs dont make a right, I firmly believe that. But I have not idea what is happening and I am unable to stand up for myself and explain my side.

 

Wife came home a week later; I told her from the bottom of my heart that I want to make this relationship work; she said she did too. My wife is a wonderful person, but she also lacks self confidence; I am the polar opposite. Her return home changed my outlook and physical problems immediately! I ate a huge meal, my stomach stopped hurting and I had positive thoughts running through my head.

 

 

I still don't understand why the content of the emails would upset her so. Is there a way to tell us more without giving away your privacy?

 

I wonder if she was bothered by you being so open with a friend about his marriage when you're not willing to really open yourself up to her or work on your marriage (at least at that point). Anyway, the emails aren't really the problem. The emails seem like the straw that broke the camel's back. You two seem to have poor communication and distance. Two people can love each other, but still be uncommunicative and aloof. I see lack of communication as your biggest issue.

 

What struck me in your first post is the section I've bolded.

 

People change and their needs change. Your wife may have found that as time went on she needed more emotional support, validation, and physical affection from you than you were giving. You can't be expected to read her mind. She should have told you how she was feeling and what she wanted from you. You in turn shouldn't have taken her marital satisfaction for granted. You needed to probe, see how she was feeling. It sounds like there's blame to go around.

 

A very close friend of mine is going through divorce. She told me something very profound. She said "Make sure to hug your husband tonight, look him in the eyes and listen to him and vice versa. If we each did that, most of the time, there probably wouldn't be so much divorce."

[robf1971]

Went to our first marriage counselor yesterday. Wife pulls out a list all of all things making her unhappy so the entire session was her telling the therapist about all of it; I did not have a problem with that. !

 

Wow, at my first marriage counselling session my wife used it in exactly the same way, I've never been so hurt in my life. She no longer wanted to be married to me, never wanted to have sex again, never wanted to kiss me again and wasn't attracted to me anymore, and didn't want anymore counselling as nothing would change things.

 

Rather ironically the same therapist played a huge part in getting us back together much later, so there is hope for you. Anyway If I was you I'd be checking if there is someone else involved. I don't care how much you trust your wife this has to be eliminated.

[James_H]

I'm in the same boat. Although we never went to MC, I know in my heart that it would've helped in some way. If the issues being stated are clearly one-sided, then I agree...you should seek out another counselor that has both parties issues and concerns at hand. It takes a humble person to admit their mistakes and faults. Clearly you're headed in the right direction, best of luck to you!

 

A very close friend of mine is going through divorce. She told me something very profound. She said "Make sure to hug your husband tonight, look him in the eyes and listen to him and vice versa. If we each did that, most of the time, there probably wouldn't be so much divorce."

 

This is so true! I think that now a days, most marriages forget what's important and stop communicating. Sometimes it takes learning a hard lesson to understand how important things like this really are. Very well said btw!