Coping Log (Again :/)

[sleepykitten]

I'm tired of myself. Every day I get up and it's no different. I'm too heartbroken to do anything of value. My day is spent trying to put on a false (and probably barely passable) front to those around me so that I can at least be a functional member of society, or appear to be one anyway. It feels like the hurt will never go away and I will not be happy. I have lost all tolerance for other people, I'm barely polite to others anymore... I feel like I've lost all ability to care about anything else other than this one thing that is consuming me. I want to go home and sleep until tomorrow, but I know I'll just wake up and it's the same **** again. I seriously hate my life right now. And whenever I'm on campus I'm always thinking I might see him, because I know I will at some point being that we're at the same school. So I'm all nervous and jittery when I sit somewhere or walk around because one day he'll come around the corner. I hate every part of this.

 

I am just reading your log from the beginning and this resonates so much with me it could be me writing this! Especially the sleep thing, sometimes when i come home from work at 4pm I just get into bed and sleep for a few hrs. My head is exhausted by it all. I have just re started nc-again-after finding out this weekend that he was cheating on me and is now with this new girl, we broke up onmay 25th and saw each other a few times since then last time on 1st july, intimate each time which now just makes me feel crushed as he was with someone else through all of this and when i asked he always said he hadnt met anyone new etc, wanted to sort himself out first ...anyway i wont hijack your thread, but thank you for writing, am going to carry on reading xx

[sleepykitten]

..

 

 

I know I did the one thing that my ex can't stand though - demanded information from him about something emotional/serious. My ex ALWAYS shuts down, including during our past relationship, when confronted with emotional/serious stuff... so I should have expected the response he gave me.

 

I dunno, I think I just need to make peace with myself already. I mean yeah, I was emotional, and hurt, and I acted out a few times in moments of weakness until I hit a wall. But the last things I said to him were telling him how I had loved him more than anyone else, and that this hurt more than I could say, and stuff along those lines.... so I'm pretty damn sure he knows I care a lot about him. For some odd reason that gives me comfort, despite the rest of the madness. Life is tough to deal with, and I'm dealing with some personal demons and even medical stuff that was better to deal with when I had someone to come home to that I loved. I guess I'm getting a big lesson right now in surviving on my own.

 

Exactly the same----especially the first part, were we dating the same person?? And I too am getting a huge life lesson in surviving on my own, still on this rollercoaster ride but I think its a lesson that will stand me in good sted for the future.

[sleepykitten]

Monkey, thanks for the input. I don't know, I hope it does make me better... right now it doesn't feel that way. I find myself not too interested in engaging with new people just because every new person I engage with just reminds me that I have to find replacements for the time I spent with my ex, so it just depresses me. I don't run into my ex here all the time, just occasionally. I would say every 1 - 3 weeks.

 

Today I had my first day of job training for a new job. I wasn't too psyched about going because I was in the midst of major depression about my ex but luckily the training distracted me enough to make me forget about all that for a bit, and surprisingly I DID feel better afterward. Not amazing, but an improvement. I think this new job will be a GREAT thing to distract me from the ex, and will probably be a reason why I choose to stay here in the fall rather than move home. If I move home, there's no job there, less people... I may not be better off if I leave....

 

I'm still struggling though. I feel bad because I almost feel rude for the way I chased my ex around in the end. I mean, I was so desperate for some closure/answers that I prodded him and made him feel uncomfortable. And I said a few stupid things due to my emotional state at the time. Then again, my ex made me feel pretty uncomfortable when he broke up with me in the first place, followed by when he asked for me back then left again. Plus, he has said countless stupid things to me as well (more than I've said to him).... So sometimes I feel like that's a reason to not feel as bad about it. I know I am not perfect, so I can't beat myself up forever for not being perfect. I know I did the one thing that my ex can't stand though - demanded information from him about something emotional/serious. My ex ALWAYS shuts down, including during our past relationship, when confronted with emotional/serious stuff... so I should have expected the response he gave me.

 

I dunno, I think I just need to make peace with myself already. I mean yeah, I was emotional, and hurt, and I acted out a few times in moments of weakness until I hit a wall. But the last things I said to him were telling him how I had loved him more than anyone else, and that this hurt more than I could say, and stuff along those lines.... so I'm pretty damn sure he knows I care a lot about him. For some odd reason that gives me comfort, despite the rest of the madness. Life is tough to deal with, and I'm dealing with some personal demons and even medical stuff that was better to deal with when I had someone to come home to that I loved. I guess I'm getting a big lesson right now in surviving on my own.

 

Guys, first I just want to say thank you so much for adding to this thread! I relate to you completely - every emotion you've written is seriously coming straight from my life too... Right now I'm a little freaked out. I feel good, I feel happy. I still miss my ex.... I still think about him, yearn for him. But for some reason I'm looking in the mirror today and thinking to myself, "You're beautiful." So while I'm in this awesome state of mind, I want to share this with you.

 

We are beautiful. We make mistakes... lots of them... and some of them don't even make any sense. Some of them, we wish to the depths of our souls that we could erase. We look for holes in our past and think to ourselves, "Maybe I could have changed that" or "Why why WHY did I do that?" or "Why does it have to be this way?". But you know what? We are amazing human beings with real feelings.... we have heart, we breathe, we trip up and fall on ourselves, then get up and feel like we're BARELY BREATHING from all the pain... then the pain doesn't even stop. Then, just when we're about to lose it, a little something makes us laugh. We go through all this, and it just keeps going around and around.... But just stop and think. All you've been is REAL. You know in your heart that you loved the one who walked away from you. I know I did. I know you did, monkey, and you too, almond. We gave it all for them, and even if things didn't turn out the way we wanted and even if we made mistakes in the process.. we had the heart. And we still have it. We CAN take this pain and translate it into something better and greater down the line. We CAN be confident that we are damn beautiful just they way we are, despite every mistake and for being able to love someone so much.. for having unconditional faith in another person even though they hurt us. We're surviving it, feeling every emotion, and we're still here. We're getting through it. Even when I was in the worst pain imaginable from all this, a little part of me celebrated that pain... just because I always knew this was as raw as human emotion gets... this is as real as it gets. I couldn't fake anything anymore, I was just being me - a hurt, deflated me.... but me, all the way. And it's ok that I was that way. but I know when it's time to pick myself up, dust the ashes off..... It's ok for us to dust it off and move along. It's what we have to do... we deserve it, completely. Because we are here, flawed, broken, and yet incomprehensibly beautiful due to our struggles. Own it.

 

Ok, youre going to start getting really irritated with me doing this all the way through reading your log-but your writing really touches me, everything you have written its like we are the same person, right down to wanting to move out of our flats....this post i love because it is beautiful, o and true. So I just wanted to take the time to say thank you.

[SugarHoney]

I know I did the one thing that my ex can't stand though - demanded information from him about something emotional/serious. My ex ALWAYS shuts down, including during our past relationship, when confronted with emotional/serious stuff... so I should have expected the response he gave me.

 

I dunno, I think I just need to make peace with myself already. I mean yeah, I was emotional, and hurt, and I acted out a few times in moments of weakness until I hit a wall. But the last things I said to him were telling him how I had loved him more than anyone else, and that this hurt more than I could say, and stuff along those lines.... so I'm pretty damn sure he knows I care a lot about him. For some odd reason that gives me comfort, despite the rest of the madness. Life is tough to deal with, and I'm dealing with some personal demons and even medical stuff that was better to deal with when I had someone to come home to that I loved. I guess I'm getting a big lesson right now in surviving on my own.

 

Exactly the same----especially the first part, were we dating the same person?? And I too am getting a huge life lesson in surviving on my own, still on this rollercoaster ride but I think its a lesson that will stand me in good sted for the future.

 

Sorry if I miss quoted this, not sure where the quote marks are supposed to be.

 

But just had to say that this sounds exactly like the situation I had with my ex too! Exactly the same!

 

I love my ex so much and I've told him so many a time in emails etc, so he definitely knows I care. But I had to tell him that I can't be friends right now, because its too painful for me, but maybe, hopefully in the future once I'm healed. Anyway, my ex is/was exactly the same, shuts down when serious, emotional stuff comes up. So much so that when I saw him for the last time yesterday he was flirting with me like crazy, telling me how much he missed me, stroking my arm, holding my hand, suggesting we do things together in the future, all that stuff... but when it came down to it... when I asked him if this was the end for us.. he said he didn't know. And when I asked him if he wanted me to work at it he said no, but that he wanted to stay friends. But he was very uncomfortable about the whole thing and I could tell. And it wasn't that serious really because I didn't get into problems, how we broke up, how heart broken I felt (at least not in person) so it was barely serious at all really, and he still shut down. But it really bugs me how he could give me all those mixed messages like that, suggest that we had a chance to make things work in emails, get so touchy feely with me etc when he only wanted to be friends... because friends don't do all that stuff right?

 

But anyway, its done now. We may or may not be friends in the future. The pain of the heartbreak is killing me and at the moment only the hope of him changing his mind and coming back to me is soothing me, even though I know its highly unlikely and I probably shouldn't even want him to come back after all the mixed signals and how much he's hurt me.

 

Still I know I'd take him back if he asked me back, I know I would. And I need to find a way to put out this love I have for him because its bringing me nothing but intense despair and I may be soothed for a short while with hopes of reconciliation but I'm sure those hopes will be dashed repeatedly if I can't find a way to let them go

Edited August 10, 2011 by SugarHoney

[DontWorryBHappy]

I know, mickleb, feel free to slap me virtually.

 

To everyone else - thank you for your comments. It's interesting to hear that my words resonate so much with some of you and that sometimes our situations have striking similarities. But I have one piece of advice for you all and myself too....

 

Just let it go. Seriously, I've been coming on to LS for months now seeking to gain some kind of comfort through reading about similar situations, asking questions, looking for answers, trying to make sense of it, venting on here sometimes twice a day.... and I still feel lost. You/I will never have all the answers and you can't out-think this.... You can't think about your situation until it finally makes sense to you, because it won't.

 

I've done it all. I tried to accept things, I chased him around, got bitter and angry, then tried to apologize and smooth things over, then tried to see if there was ANYTHING between us.... and when I say anything I mean, I wanted to see if my ex and I could even have SOME sort of understanding. The answer was no. There was no understanding to to be had.... he would not answer the phone. If I was laying in a ditch somewhere and I called him, he would never know, because he wouldn't pick up. That is just the truth.

 

I can't keep questioning myself and feeling bad forever. I'm an emotional creature, and I always attempt to do the right thing at the end of any situation when I care about somebody... and that's what I tried to do here, but I'll never know what he's thinking, I'll never know what's "right".... Actually, yeah, I do know. I know that I have to literally pretend my ex doesnt exist and move on like this never happened...... If I continually try to make sense of this, I might just fall apart.

 

So in conclusion, I may not be updating as much from now on.. or I'm going to try not to at least. I have to start getting used to going through the days without venting about my ex. I suggest all of you to try to do the same . In any case, thank you for reading...

Edited August 11, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Lol, this all was pretty rediculous huh? I've been re-reading that last text message and now it seems so sappy or something. I'm glad I tried calling him once afterward and was ignored, because that set the tone for the future - that I need to ignore him too. Whatever, I made a list of a few reasons why he's unfit to be my boyfriend.

 

- He can't deal with other people's emotions

- He often says things that end up being hurtful to people and doesn't try to say or do anything to show that he considers people's feelings

- He's really self-serving

- He can't be serious unless it's all about him

 

At least I cant feel guilty anymore. I may have chased my ex a bit, but I apologized for it... so whatever, moving along. I saw that planet of the apes movies today, and it was great! And I'm gonna try to learn to skateboard on Saturday... and I've got a job interview for a campus job on the day I start classes.

[mickleb]

I know, mickleb, feel free to slap me virtually.

 

To everyone else - thank you for your comments. It's interesting to hear that my words resonate so much with some of you and that sometimes our situations have striking similarities. But I have one piece of advice for you all and myself too....

 

Just let it go. Seriously, I've been coming on to LS for months now seeking to gain some kind of comfort through reading about similar situations, asking questions, looking for answers, trying to make sense of it, venting on here sometimes twice a day.... and I still feel lost. You/I will never have all the answers and you can't out-think this.... You can't think about your situation until it finally makes sense to you, because it won't.

 

I've done it all. I tried to accept things, I chased him around, got bitter and angry, then tried to apologize and smooth things over, then tried to see if there was ANYTHING between us.... and when I say anything I mean, I wanted to see if my ex and I could even have SOME sort of understanding. The answer was no. There was no understanding to to be had.... he would not answer the phone. If I was laying in a ditch somewhere and I called him, he would never know, because he wouldn't pick up. That is just the truth.

 

I can't keep questioning myself and feeling bad forever. I'm an emotional creature, and I always attempt to do the right thing at the end of any situation when I care about somebody... and that's what I tried to do here, but I'll never know what he's thinking, I'll never know what's "right".... Actually, yeah, I do know. I know that I have to literally pretend my ex doesnt exist and move on like this never happened...... If I continually try to make sense of this, I might just fall apart.

 

So in conclusion, I may not be updating as much from now on.. or I'm going to try not to at least. I have to start getting used to going through the days without venting about my ex. I suggest all of you to try to do the same . In any case, thank you for reading...

 

Better, DDub. Muuuuuuch better.

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

I have to admit that I'm a perfectionist. Always have been. Part of my struggle with this has been ending in the RIGHT way. So after 3 weeks NC I decided to send my ex a "nice" text, the one I posted a couple days ago. And then I thought to myself, "Ok good, you ended it really well. Now all the t's are crosed and i's are dotted and you can move forward knowing that you left in a pretty good way." Then that night I got into a riff with some family members in my house and suddenly broke down in front of my brother, saying that I missed my ex. He didn't want to hear it, because I've vented about it enough already. So I went into my room, closed the door, and contemplated calling him. I labored over it. I thought, "My cousin is REALLY good friends with his ex... and that other guy I know got back together with his ex after a short break.... so the lines of communication were open.... and I mean, my ex and I were so close, and I sent him that nice message earlier.... and so, maybe he'll talk to me and we'll have an understanding, and maybe he still cares?"

 

Then I thought to myself, "No come on... just leave it alone, leave with your nice message that you sent and be proud of your clean, "happy" break from the situation and everything will be nice and rosey and maybe he'll think good things about you too. THEN I thought, "**** it", and called.

 

He didn't answer. Never called back.

 

So now I'm here again with my "unclean" break. The clean, perfect message that was meant to be my last attempt at contact.. the message that I took time to craft in Microsoft Word before I sent it, was "ruined" by an unanswered phone call. Or at least that's how I tend to perceive my world. So you know what? Maybe I "ruined" it. Maybe he was gonna think nice things about me and then I called and he was like, "wtf, is this girl harassing me now?" and he now hates me. Maybe he pities me, or maybe he doesn't give a sh*t. Maybe I should just celebrate being an imperfect person who tries to do the "right thing" in the end but sometimes screws it up because I have HORRIBLE impulse control.

 

Oh well. This is about realizing that it doesn't matter how things are now. I have to let this imperfect situation be imperfect.

Edited August 13, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

LMAO.

 

Ok, I'm having an epiphany tonight. My ex...... Oh my God.... he was the most immature person I ever met.

 

He dumped me 2 months into our relationship because he had a "vision from God that we wouldn't have a good future." When he asked for me back after the second time he dumped me, he told me that he had tried to have a sex partner after the break up but couldn't go through with it because he'd think about me. Lol... really romantic thing to tell me right?? Then after our first date after asking me back, he requested for me to just be the person he "confides in" rather than having a relationship. Yeah, that was after he asked for me back! During that date, he didn't defend me when two girls started crap with me for no reason because my ex and I were of different races. Oh yeah, and let's not forget the part where when he was asking for me back, he told me that he didn't love me, he just "liked me a lot." Oh! And also when he told me he was with me to "find out if he could love" and that he got back with me partly to "figure out what his problems are." And that by being with me he found something that he "didn't know existed." Lol, please..... Oh, and that he needs to figure out why he "cant love someone for more than 10 seconds" and needs to "find a heart" and figure out why he's "in-human"... lolololololol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME HAVE I BEEN UPSET ABOUT??????????????

 

If my ex is ever ready for a real relationship it won't be for another 10 to 15 years at least. That's how much maturing he needs to do. And I obviously won't be any part of that, but I wouldn't want to be, lol. I admit, this epiphany was due to watching an episode of The Bachelorette. The last two guys were VERY different. One of them was like a gigantic baby. Obviously not ready to be married and was very immature and very "me, me, me" all the time. Then there was the other guy.... he was emotionally mature, sincere, very level-headed, yet stood his ground on things. He was a wonderful guy... Now the other guy had a certain superficial charm and could be goofy and have fun or whatever..... but it was all surface stuff. No depth.... reminded me SO MUCH of my ex it was crazy.

 

It just hit me man.... my ex is not it. And I swear to you, I've said that many times in this thread, but I was just trying to get myself to believe it. This time I REALLY BELIEVE IT!!!!!!! HE ISN'T THE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!! Halle-f*ckin-lujah. I've concluded that when I sent that last text message and tried to call, I just seemed really, really, naive. And that's what I was. I was naive... very much so. But wow!!!!!! What a relief. That relationship was so doomed from the start that I can't possibly be upset for too long. I mourned the loss, and yes, there were some good memories... but nothing that could last forever.... not a chance in hell. I wish him the best, but I am so done with that!!!! lol!

Edited August 13, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Went shopping with my nana today. She's awesome... but it's hard letting her buy stuff for me. I'm just so not used to it. We ended up talking a little bit about the ex, because I had told her the situation before and discussed it with her a bunch. I told her about the time where my ex didnt defend me when two girls started ***** with me after we got off a bus, and how when I when I questioned him about not doing anything, he said he didnt know it was serious, and that I should tell him when something is serious so that he can do something about it O_o. Lol. My nana was like, "Either he's trying to put on an act or he's an idiot... maybe a little of both." Could not agree more. She also said that if a guy isn't protective of you, that will not ever change. And she said I'm probably just upset at all at this point because I'm mad at MYSELF for putting up with all of it.

 

I'm doing a lot better. It actually took me probably 15 minutes to even think about my ex this morning. I'm developing new interests and coming up with things to do that are totally all my own. Feeling better than I have in months. I've realized that it's not about how many days of NC you have. It's about what the days of NC mean for you. Is it just "NC" or is it simply, not talking to someone that you shouldn't be with? Someone can be doing "NC" and at the same time be completely miserable missing their ex every second. I guess today would only be day 5 "NC". But it feels miles better than I was the last time I was at 3 weeks NC, because my attitude and thoughts about the situation have changed.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I wrote a bunch of stuff here, but then it felt a little redundant or something. Still moving along. Constantly remembering more reasons why the relationship was doomed. Like the fact that he has an incredibly domineering mother who basically tries to control his life, but he has to be at her beck and call, and even lies to her to appease what she wants and expects.

Edited August 15, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

It's almost a shame that I'm going back to school and will be periodically seeing my ex. I've had two weeks away from that city, and have been totally out of sight from him. Out of sight has slowly become out of mind as I've come to terms with the end of the relationship. He no longer is the first thing that pops into my head, and I often forget about him during the day. It's starting to feel like, "Oh yeah, that guy that I dated.... that was doomed to fail." Instead of a "Why didnt it work???" type of thing.

 

I got a longboard, and it's really fun. Unfortunately I fell off it today and scraped my hands and shoulder. But I'm excited to get better at it and cruise around campus. Nothing much else to say here.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hey all. I'm doing alright here. Felt slightly weird tonight because I'm going back up to my school tomorrow. And that means it's back to periodically running into the ex. But it's ok. I really understand now that it just wasn't mean to be for us. I freaked out a bit after the break up but he put me through a lot. And I've pretty much managed to make peace with myself. More than that, I've managed to start enjoying life again. I go about my day and talk to people without thinking about him. He still pops in my mind during those random moments but it doesn't stop me from living anymore. My confidence has been on the rise, and I'm feeling pretty good about going back to school. Other people have noticed the change in me too, and I'm really proud of that. One thing I can tell you is that moving on isn't just left to time. Time helps somewhat for sure, but moving on is also a choice.

 

I had called my ex once about ten days ago, and after he ignored the call, I specifically remember deciding in that moment that that was really it, and it was over. I knew deep down that I was truly going to move on for real after that ignored phone call. And that's exactly what I started doing. I got into longboarding, and started painting, and having fun with my family... and thoughts of him took up less and less of my mental space. I'm not completely there yet. I still have my moments, but I've come very far in a short time, and I have a lot of confidence that I'll continue to move forward.

[mickleb]

More than that, I've managed to start enjoying life again.

 

Excellent, excellent, excellent.

 

One thing I can tell you is that moving on isn't just left to time. Time helps somewhat for sure, but moving on is also a choice.

 

Another jumping bunny moment! This is priceless, Dubs. Once you get this, no-one can take it away from you and it will serve you right your entire life.

 

I'm so pleased you have regained this level of control in your life.

 

Onwards and upwards.

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

Thank you, mickleb. Haven't spoken to the ex in a couple weeks, but he hasn't spoken to me in probably a month and a half. These past couple days at school have been rough, because I've been thrown back into the environment that reminds me so much of him, and have been forced to go at this alone instead of using support from family as a cushion. But I have to push through it and remind myself that it's just a school. It's not permanently tainted with a black mark from this failed relationship. I heard a quote: "If you're going through hell, keep going." I've had some hellish moments over the last couple days, and I'm sure that's not even the last of it... but I just know I have to keep going.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Was reading a thread about a girl who came back to her ex five months after a break up, asking for a second chance. The guy who was the dumpee was the author of the thread. Another poster replied to his situation with this:

 

"She initiates affection and when you respond she is happy. Then she says that she wants to take things slow which I read as NOT COMMITTING TO REBUILDING A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. She is suggesting that if you hang around and work at fixing the relationship AT HER PACE ... you may be able to have a second chance with her.

 

She was the one that left you and is begging for a second chance... why is she the one that is suddenly making all the rules on how this will work? You are happy to agree to them because you still care about her...and by asking her to break it off with the new guy you are asking her to do something that she should have already done LONG before she came back asking you for a second chance"

 

This really resonated with me because when my ex asked me for a second chance he specifically was saying how we should do it in a "different way" and "take it slow" and even that we shouldn't talk about serious things regarding the relationship until further down the line. I'm realizing now that to an extent I really was allowing him to call the shots. Whereas, if he had truly been committed to being with me, he would have said, "I want you back, and I'm willing to do whatever it is that YOU need me to do to prove that to you." Or something along those lines.

[Queen of Hearts 10]

Days like this of being torn up ! I want to hear from you but the silence is killing me ! nothingness ! Why did you have to go and never come back....

 

You are a phone call away redirect. Now you are with her ! Who is she ???

She gets your LOVE and time ! A hole has been blasted into my soul !

I cannot forget you ! I keep busy ! Death would feel better than this pain

every day ! So i will fight this !

 

You did this to other women ! Poison to women ! A bad burn ! Painful !

 

Queen of nothing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[DontWorryBHappy]

^ I think you're in the wrong thread?

 

Anyway, I'm currently bouncing between feelings of sadness and contentment. I landed a job at school and I now am taking 16 credits this semester - so I'm going to be busy. Current goal: listen to Chris Brown's "Forever" without crying or feeling overly emotional. For some reason this song makes me think about the ex. But I actually LIKE the song, so I want to just be able to like a damn song and not associate it with a particular person of my past. Right now I'm feeling glad that my ex ignored my last attempt to contact him two weeks ago (a phone call). It set the tone for the times in the future when I'll see him around. I know the deal now - we're supposed to ignore each other. I almost tried to convince myself that we could be friendly with each other when I sent the last text message that I ever sent to him (the one where I said sorry for chasing and wished him well). Now I KNOW that's not happening. I'll do my thing, and he'll do his, and that's the way it is, no matter how I feel about it. I'm gonna be alright.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I'm not sure what it was about that relationship. I have never in my life suffered so greatly after a break up. My ex had huge issues about himself, and I know it couldn't have ever lasted with him being that way. He simply didn't love me enough to stay with me, and it does hurt still. I definitely loved him enough... I loved him so much that I found the whole thing so heartbreaking to accept.

 

I ran into him last night. I was staring as I was walking past, but I don't think he noticed. But then as I was heading toward the restroom a girl that used to be a mutual friend tugged on my shirt. I didn't want to stay around but she asked me for a hug, then said I could pretend she wasnt there and walk away. She knew I didn't want to be around the ex. But then I went into the bathroom and literally started shaking. He was out there, and I felt this huge pull to go back out and see if he would notice me. I wanted him to notice me I guess. I went back out there and stood next to the (former) mutual friend. Then he noticed me. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and had this look on this face like, "it's her... why is she here"... then suddenly he comes up like i'm a long time friend and says "Heeeey how you doing? I haven't seen you in a long time" and hugs me. Then as he's running up the stairs he says "Alright have fun bye!"... then I run down the stairs and suddenly he's going down the stairs too with his friends and I went into the little campus market to talk to some people I knew in there... He left with his friends at some point after that.

 

It made me very sad... and I texted him a goodbye note of sorts: "I miss you terribly, and even with your issues, i would have taken a bullet for you.. no question. I hope you find love one day. You don't have to acknowledge me again. Love, me". A sadder note that I've written... and feels like the last one. I guess I can't doubt that he knows how I feel, but we can't be together anyway. It's like loving someone with an incurable disease that prevents you from being together.. He just can't or won't love me and he's got too many issues.... I can't fix him, but I'm still mourning the loss of him. Tonight I'm going out dancing with some girls. I'm really going to try to have fun.. I know I will. I feel alright now, like I've sort of come around in a circle with this whole thing and now I'm on the other side. Cheers all.

 

also, I just found out that if I send a text to an out of service number, my phone acts like the text was sent just fine. So I'll never know if he's gotten it, because I don't know if his number is the same or whatever. It's just as well, I guess. I'm remembering what my mom told me... if someone has real feelings for you, they love you for you, and don't toss you aside because you did something that they didn't like (unless it was just SO horrible). And it wasn't.

Edited August 27, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[lymtal1]

DWBH,

 

I think you did great under the circumstances. I have to believe that that was one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. I can relate to your experience as it has happened to me in the past.

 

I know you know but no matter, if he received your text or not it just doesn't matter. You were able to tell him what you needed and even if he did not get it it is ok. You got it off your mind.

 

Now is time to focus your energy on you and not him. He is not worthy and I am sure you realize this. Now you have to begin a new chapter in YOUR life that brings you the happiness that you so deserve. Focus everything towards moving on and releasing the pain you have.

 

Go out and have fun and dance your butt off:)

[DontWorryBHappy]

Lymtal, thank you for your response.. it made me smile . You are right, it is time to wash my hands of the past and focus on the present. And yes, it doesn't matter if my ex got the message or not. He probably did, because I doubt he changed his number, but even if he didn't, it doesn't matter anymore.

 

Last night i went to a club with my friend and ended up dancing with one guy for most of the night. He was a good dancer, and I wasn't bad myself . At first I didn't know if I was going to let myself have fun but I had a couple drinks and really got down, lol. Ended up kissing the guy.. he was real sweet, even carried me as we were walking outside the club because I took my boots off . He got my number and was texting me that night, and saying he wants to see me again. I'm definitely not expecting it to turn into anything... Actually, I pretty much KNOW it won't. Word out is that the guy in question recently got out of a relationship with his on-again-off-again girlfriend. And I've still been getting over ex-drama myself.. so in a way we're in the same boat, lol.

 

I unblocked my ex from facebook today. Even looked at some of his pictures, but didn't really feel anything. I even thought to myself, "hmm, he really is short isnt he". Lol. Oddly, he still has pictures of me up from when we were together. He probably just doesn't pay any attention to his pictures and forgot those are even there. Admittedly, I would've felt bad if I unblocked and his profile pic was of his and some girl or whatever, not because I want him back, but just because it would bother me, but the picture was just him and a bunch of guys. I'm going to keep him off my block list as a way of declaring my acceptance over this situation. But I will avoid looking at his page again, just because it isn't necessary.

 

At the end of the day, it's what my roommate told me last night: "I mean it doesn't matter.... you're losing someone who wouldn't defend you." She was speaking of the time when two girls started with me when we got off a bus and he didn't say anything the whole time (probably at least 2 or 3 whole minutes of him being mute while I was being verbally attacked). He just isn't good for me... not the way he is. And I can really picture him changing - at least not anytime soon. So yeah, I start my new job tomorrow and I'm gonna keep moving along .