Almond_Joy Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Hey all . Today (ok technically yesterday) was great!!!! I woke up and for some reason was just on my game. I was engaging in my first class. It's an acting class, and I was outgoing with the girl I was partnered up with for an exercise today. After that I went apartment hunting and got caught in a rain storm. Got on the bus finally, and ran into a guy I had met several times because he works at the little campus convenience store. He asked me if I had applied for a job there, and we were talking about that for a bit, then he randomly asked about my "boyfriend".. Immediately I was like "ooh uhh yeah he's NOT my boyfriend anymore". And then the guy started talking about how my ex had been in one of his classes (I started wanting to tune him out because I wasn't sure I wanted to hear ANYTHING about my ex) but then he said my ex had come into the store (where he works) and they asked him about his major and stuff and my ex apparently said he wasn't a student at the school and was just "visiting". And then he goes, "Yeah and the girl I was working with was like uhhh, he is a student... so he lied." So yeah, wtf? My ex lied about being a student? Makes little sense, but fits his M.O. because he never makes any sense and obviously likes to jerk people around for fun. Oh yeah, the guy also commented on my ex being, and I quote: "annoying". It made my day... so much, that I got the guy's number. (well, I kinda would have done that anyway). Did you hear that? I got a guy's number! Not that I know what to do with it (oh and, I texted him mine so he has mine too). So at that point I was feeling good, and I've been feeling good all day. I don't even know what day of NC this is..... hmmmmm, its.... day 8! It feels longer than that. And if I'm already feeling better, I can't wait to see how I'll feel in another week, then another, and another. My ex obviously has serious issues - he lies about random things to random people for kicks. If he does that, what the hell else did he lie to me about? Everything? Whatever. I'm better than that shyte!! Time to rent an apartment and buy a ukulele (my newest obsession). Wooooo I'm super excited for you DontWorry. It sounds like you just woke up in a constructive state of mind, and rolled with it, and the rest took care of itself. Major congrats!
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 Guys, first I just want to say thank you so much for adding to this thread! I relate to you completely - every emotion you've written is seriously coming straight from my life too... Right now I'm a little freaked out. I feel good, I feel happy. I still miss my ex.... I still think about him, yearn for him. But for some reason I'm looking in the mirror today and thinking to myself, "You're beautiful." So while I'm in this awesome state of mind, I want to share this with you. We are beautiful. We make mistakes... lots of them... and some of them don't even make any sense. Some of them, we wish to the depths of our souls that we could erase. We look for holes in our past and think to ourselves, "Maybe I could have changed that" or "Why why WHY did I do that?" or "Why does it have to be this way?". But you know what? We are amazing human beings with real feelings.... we have heart, we breathe, we trip up and fall on ourselves, then get up and feel like we're BARELY BREATHING from all the pain... then the pain doesn't even stop. Then, just when we're about to lose it, a little something makes us laugh. We go through all this, and it just keeps going around and around.... But just stop and think. All you've been is REAL. You know in your heart that you loved the one who walked away from you. I know I did. I know you did, monkey, and you too, almond. We gave it all for them, and even if things didn't turn out the way we wanted and even if we made mistakes in the process.. we had the heart. And we still have it. We CAN take this pain and translate it into something better and greater down the line. We CAN be confident that we are damn beautiful just they way we are, despite every mistake and for being able to love someone so much.. for having unconditional faith in another person even though they hurt us. We're surviving it, feeling every emotion, and we're still here. We're getting through it. Even when I was in the worst pain imaginable from all this, a little part of me celebrated that pain... just because I always knew this was as raw as human emotion gets... this is as real as it gets. I couldn't fake anything anymore, I was just being me - a hurt, deflated me.... but me, all the way. And it's ok that I was that way. but I know when it's time to pick myself up, dust the ashes off..... It's ok for us to dust it off and move along. It's what we have to do... we deserve it, completely. Because we are here, flawed, broken, and yet incomprehensibly beautiful due to our struggles. Own it.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 Hello all, I need to vent really quick. Just saw my ex on campus. I wasn't sure it was him at first.. I walked behind him from a distance then casually passed him, confirming it was him. You know how I knew it was probably him? Because he had the build of a 5 year old child. He was also walking with some indian looking girl with long hair and then stopped to talk to another girl. It never fails.. whenever I see him around he is talking to another random chick that I've never seen before. I realize that he needs to do this in order to convince himself that women think he's not such a bad guy. But in reality he's incapable of being a good guy, so he fakes it as best as he can, for as long as he can. Then moves on to a new set of people. When I saw him I was on the phone and my heart dropped a bit... got that weird nervous-like negative feeling in my stomach, then vented about it on the phone for the next few minutes. Well, good luck ex, with your shallow interactions... Just remember the times you told me that you talk to so many people that you don't remember most of their names.... Remember the times you said that that people think you care about what they're saying, but you actually don't care at all.... Remember the times you talked about using other people as if it's some kind of sport. You're a little baby, and I fully expect you to fool some other people with your fakeness, and that's sad. I hope you don't victimize them like you did me. Anyway, I'll continue to ignore your a$$. Don't know how to love? Puh-leaze... you certainly know how to love YOURSELF.
lovesickmonkey Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 **cyberhug** Almond, a great big cyberhug to you too. That book is amazing. She really knows her stuff and it's amazing how many relationships her advice pertains to ... how many of us need to work on self-esteem and recognize we may be with someone capable of doing us great harm. I had better begin doing the exercises in the book and not simply reading it. Thanks for your positive words, DontWorry.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Day 9. I've been backsliding a bit.. it seems every time I run into my ex (which I admit, has happened only a couple times) he is walking with a different girl. Personally I don't think there's anything going on with him and those girls. He always talks to way more girls than guys, probably because of his childlike personality... the girls think it's cute, and the guys think it's weird or annoying a lot of the time (this is my theory). Anyway, he has this way of not even giving a slight indication that he notices you if he doesn't want to let it be known. I remember the first time I ran into him. I walked right by him, and he later said he did notice me, but he didn't give the SLIGHTEST indication that he did. And he still does that, so it's impossible to know whether he didn't see me or just chooses not to acknowledge. The whole thing feels like a cruel joke. As if, he asked for me back because he wasnt completely ready for me to be out of his life yet, or his ego was crushed a bit when I rejected being his friend after the break up. Then when he left again and I started chasing, that was his way of getting his power back. I almost feel sick writing that. I remember when he first asked for me back. He was wishy washy about it even then. I mean, he said he wanted me in his life, wanted me to be the person he could confide in and share things with, but didn't see why that had to be in the form of a relationship. He said, being in a relationship with me was the "only way I was willing to stay in his life" or something to that effect. So I should have ran away screaming from that anyway, but even if his completely lame way of thinking was true, how would that explain his ice coldness to me in the end? It doesn't explain it. Maybe I should just believe all the people who told me he was just playing with me. So let's see.... he says he doesn't love me, then asks for me back, then switches it on me and says he would rather just be a REALLY close friend (which hurt A LOT to hear), changes his mind and agrees to try the relationship, backs out after a week, claims he will come back "later" after he "learns to love", then when I finally snap due to the emotional torture he coldly cuts me off and claims he has "turned off his feelings". When I put it like that, it does seem like I was played. But if that's true, that means I actually win. Because I don't have to be with an a$$ like him... someone else will (if they can survive his shenanigans). And even if he wasnt trying to play me, his feelings for me were wishy washy at best, and he's obviously a jerk anyway. ..I just fell for it. Time to take another deep breath and get through another day.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Day 10. What was I thinking? I've been crying over a guy who could never be what I desperately hoped he was. It doesn't even matter how I acted in the end... He dumped me and then basically emotionally abused me. I would call it emotional abuse when a guy tells you he wants to be with you, but he CAN'T because he "can't love", so he wants to come back EVENTUALLY, but in the meantime he suggests you should get a new boyfriend and he'll get a new girlfriend to make the "process" easier, telling you that he hopes you won't get attached to the new boyfriend so that I'll leave him when he's ready to come back, BUT also informing you that you shouldn't wait around because he may never come back. I had so much naive faith in him that it's sickening. I think from now on whenever I see him around I'm immediately going to think to myself, "player" and "emotional abuser" to remind myself of what I've been through with him. Honestly I did snap a bit in the end, but he put me through hell, so I can't completely fault myself. I was thinking of moving home for the fall semester, but now I'm fighting to stay here. Hopefully it will work out as planned. Night all.
mickleb Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 This is much better, DDubya. You're beginning to see him for what he is and question why you put up with it for so long. Anger is good. Use it to heal. Take care. x
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Thanks, mickleb. I know I fought you for some time, but you were right. I just wanted to believe in something so much that I let it take over..... But now, I'm finally starting to make peace with this. I've realized that my ex is truly, absolutely, undoubtedly, out of the picture. Nothing to wait for, nothing to hope for, just me, all the way.... It's time for me to embrace that. My family was so worried about me because of how upset I've been that they wanted me to come home. But I toned it down over the last couple days and am genuinely starting to feel better each day, so I am staying here and pushing through school regardless of my ex . Lately I've been all, "Oh my GOSSHHHH my ex is GONE!!!! HOW WILL I SURVIVE?????" but now I'm trying to change that way of thinking to: "My ex is gone, and what a perfect opportunity for me to do a ton of new things and meet a ton of new people!". I've done this before... I can do it again. Tonight I even talked to a couple people and GASP.. had a good time. It was refreshing to remind myself that there are other people in the universe who I can talk to, smile with, feel connected to... I'm also MOVING out of the place that my ex and I met TODAY. Leaving that in my past, moving to a brand new place to make new memories. Today is... day 12. I'm so dang proud of that. I can do this... the NC days are chugging along and I got through the worst pain I've ever felt over these past 12 days. I'm talking, pain so bad that I wanted to throw myself in front of cars. But I'm still here, and I actually feel ok tonight! There is hope! (for me). Don't get me wrong, I still miss my ex. But I need to live. And live I will.
reimeivn Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 i actually feel very lucky that i never ever remembered any guy's number. so when i delete his number i just kind of never contact him again. next time i ll do the same, hes just a bf, not my husband, theres no reason i have to remember his number.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Oh man, that's one bad thing about me. I tend to remember phone numbers even without trying. I still remember my FIRST BOYFRIEND'S number... crazy I know. I don't wanna remember the number, but it's like, forever stuck in my head! And with this current ex, even if I hadn't unintentionally memorized his number, he still lived across the street from me and goes to my school. No worries though .
reimeivn Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 next time you know, just dont put his number down on any kind of paper at all..
reimeivn Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 and in the beginning, try not to be crazy about only him. i guess try talking to some at once, and so you ll never be able to remember his number simply because you re busy texting/ calling some other guys. when you decide to be with only him, you already be given him a nickname so the number wont come up, sort of?
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Well I actually didn't even write the number down. it was just times when my ex would say his number to another person, either on a business call or something... and hearing it enough times actually caused me to memorize it without trying. It's ok though, I've learned that it's more valuable to know when to cease contact with someone on your own, whether you know their number or not.
mickleb Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 "My ex is gone, and what a perfect opportunity for me to do a ton of new things and meet a ton of new people!". I've done this before... I can do it again. Tonight I even talked to a couple people and GASP.. had a good time. It was refreshing to remind myself that there are other people in the universe who I can talk to, smile with, feel connected to... I'm also MOVING out of the place that my ex and I met TODAY. Leaving that in my past, moving to a brand new place to make new memories. Today is... day 12. I'm so dang proud of that. I can do this... the NC days are chugging along and I got through the worst pain I've ever felt over these past 12 days. I'm talking, pain so bad that I wanted to throw myself in front of cars. But I'm still here, and I actually feel ok tonight! There is hope! (for me). Don't get me wrong, I still miss my ex. But I need to live. And live I will. :bunny::bunny: A thousand jumping bunnies to you, DW! :bunny::bunny: Really impressive words. You should be proud: you are chanelling that power you craved within the relationship, inwards. It's like putting on a self-respect jet-pack! Fly with that. x
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 Thanks, mickleb, it means a lot. I won't lie, I'm not all better yet.. but I am doing better in general. I found myself still analyzing the situation today and thinking about how I would feel if things had gone a different way, if I had done a few things differently, etc. But that tends to be my personality in many instances.. not just this situation. Let me see if I can formulate my thoughts right now without taking several minutes to think, like I usually do. I feel distant from my ex. As though, I don't know what he's thinking and it also doesn't appear to matter. I still miss and care about him, but doing so feels like a lost cause... which I know is good, because it leaves room for me to focus on everything else. I have moments when I don't feel affected by it much at all, and other times when I randomly feel sad about it. Right now I feel that him and I just could not have worked. I can't even formulate exactly why, but I do know that wanting something very much and even loving someone a whole lot doesn't mean things are supposed to work out with that person. And it's so hard to know what you should do in these situations. But the one thing I've learned that I will take from this, is that it is most important to put yourself first. When I accepted my ex's proposal for us to seperate for a time with the intention to get back together, I was giving him all the power, and I couldn't deal with that.. rightfully so. What I needed was to put myself first, take the power into my own hands, and say to him, "no, that will not work for me. if you want to fix yourself, do it for yourself.. not for me. Leave me out of it. I'm going to live my own life with the knowledge that this relationship is over and I am free to pursue other meaningful things without you, because you have chosen to not be a part of it.." Something to that effect. It was a valuable lesson and I will never try to accomadate another person again in a way that brings me down or makes me feel emotionally rattled. On a side note, today was an insanely busy day... I was moving things into my *new apartment* all day (and out of my old one). It was so hot outside that I thought I would die of a heat stroke.. but I lived and am now in a hotel for a few days until I can move into my new place. So tired that this screen is looking a bit funny... so good night all .
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 Woke up extremely late today in a hotel. Had multiple dreams about my ex... of happy times together. Miss him today. Wonder if he's forgotten his feelings for me yet for real. Realizing it shouldn't matter. Realizing my dreams were only dreams. I'm at the point where I accept where the chips fell and I'm still willing to move on with my own life, but it still affects me. I don't know if I'll be unaffected every time I run into him. I guess I can just say that I'm willing to accept whatever emotions come and deal with them. Anyway, I have crap to do today so later all.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Day 14. Sucks that I feel like the only reason I made it this far was because my ex basically told me to not hold out any hope anymore. Feeling a little sad about it today, and also feeling that if I were to run into him again my heart would drop even more than the last couple times I saw him. Wondering if he thinks anything about me anymore. Can't do a damn thing about any of it. I'm still in the hotel. Getting ready to move into my new place on Wednesday. I don't have any internet in the hotel room right now because I left my computer in the new place.. so the TV entertains me until then. Luckily there's some good stuff on tonight.. lol. Still having issues wanting to open up to other people... still sad about the ex. Hoping it will fade with time... GLAD that I don't know crap about what my ex is doing. I would probably care if I knew, but I don't know at all, so I'm thrilled to be blissfully unaware. That is, until I see him again, probably walking with some random girl. I blocked him on facebook the day of the break up (and temporarily unblocked him when he asked for me back that one time) so I can't see anything from him. So I'm still sad, but the horrible, anxious, I-want-to-die feeling is gone and I know NC is the reason for that. At least now I'm sad yet functional. Hopefully happiness comes somewhere after that. Lately I'm realizing that it actually is possible that I could meet someone else and form a happy relationship with them. But I hope it doesn't take that to get over this one... I need to find my own way.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) Day 16, not that it matters anymore, lol. I saw my ex today when I had a bunch of bags and a suitcase dragging behind me, because I was moving my stuff to my new place. He was riding his bike kind of toward me, then turned the corner to go down to his bus stop. He definitely saw me, but didn't say anything or react (of course) but I didn't react or really even look at him either. I was on the phone at the time too, so I just kept walking and talking to who I was talking to. Every time I see him and he just goes on by me it's a tiny slap in the face, but also a wonderful reminder for me to keep moving on. Every time he ignores my existence I start to feel like, "dang, why would I still be hung up on someone who's totally ignoring me and who obviously doesn't want to talk to me?" I mean yeah, there were good memories (and bad memories!), but in the present moment I'm nothing to him. So, he can't be anything to me either. Lately I don't even know if I would feel better if I had been the dumper. Actually, I might have felt worse (during when I was in my unhealthy state of mind) because I would've felt that I "messed things up" by dumping him. But now it's like... yeah, I was sliiiiiightly rash in the end when I approached him twice in one day and demanded answers to questions, but I really did love him, and he REALLY did hurt me, and confused the hell out of me too (which was one of the reasons I had trouble staying away... the confusion). And in the end, I told him that I had never loved anyone else as much as I had loved him... so I actually am glad that I can walk away from this at least KNOWING that he understands how I felt. And once he told me to go, I really have, and I don't plan on contacting him again. Also, today in class my teacher said he's writing a book about how to be a man in the 21st century. He was like, "real men only drink stuff that is clear, brown, or red if it's wine". And he started talking about ways that "men" today aren't really men, like when they let their women walk on the side of the street that's closest to traffic. And man, I thought about my ex because he didn't defend me when a couple girls were insulting me after we got off a bus one time.... and anytime I tell that story to people, they're always like "WHY didn't he defend you? What a wimp". And yeah, it WAS ****ty. He does have many little boy type qualities. Not that I'm exceptionally mature in my own right, but I KNOW I would've defended someone who was in that position, and I'm a girl. it makes it worse that he's a guy, and I was his DATE, and he didn't defend me at all.... Anyway, right now I have a crush on a tv character, which is stupid, but it's the type of thing where I watch the show and go, "Heyyy I would love to date that guy." And that makes me realize that I can be attracted to the physical type of someone else AND their personality... I CAN find that in real life. It just hasn't happened yet. Oh well, at least I can't ever be accused of not loving someone enough... but my ex is already convicted of that crime. lol p.s. my brother's ex girlfriend said one thing that I actually agreed with. that if the person you were with can't handle your flaws or your craziness at times, and and can't see through that to see the person they love and want to be with, find someone who can. Edited August 3, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) Day 17. Distant feelings. Feeling glad that my ex told me it was really over, because I think if he hadn't and I had managed to go NC anyway, I would still be feeling like: "Well, he said he would be back and I do hope it will work out in the future...". In other words, I really feel that I would still be trying to hold on. But since he told me it was done, now if he ignores me or whatever, I EXPECT that response and it won't hurt me because he ALREADY pulled the plug over two weeks ago. But if I went NC while still thinking he was planning to come back, I'd constantly be wondering if he still felt that way or if he was moving on. And that just sounds no fun. Tomorrow I head home to my hometown for 2 weeks, so no chance of running into him there. Will have a solid month of NC under my belt to start the next semester with. I also moved into my new place and met a couple of my roommates. I like them a lot. Just one more thing to turn in for school and I'm done with summer classes. So yay. I guess, there's still some things I question about the break up and the way it ended. I question if my ex would still be pining for me if I hadn't chased him around in the end and asked for answers. But then again, I realize that I really did need closure in order to function day-to-day. I wasn't able to just walk away immediately and accept him saying that he would come back. I didn't allow myself to accept that. It was as if getting closure was more important to me than leaving the door open for the POSSIBILITY (not guarantee) that he would be back. Maybe because deep down I felt that no matter how I acted, if he truly wanted me, he'd come back anyway. Who knows. I can't even worry with it anymore.. But you know what? Maybe my chasing in the end DID cause his feelings for me to change. Maybe I should just acknowledge that possibility. Because if that really is the case, then I just need to understand that the door HAD to be closed for my sake. Maybe I needed to know that I can fully move forward with him or fully move forward without him... and the first option wasn't going to happen, so it had to be without him. Edited August 4, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 (edited) Day 18. I'm in my hometown now with family, and many miles away from the ex. I've come to a realization that I definitely needed closure in my situation with him. Getting that closure when he cut things off with me was the only reason I've been able to keep NC. The better way of getting it would've been to tell my ex to "learn to love" for himself, not for me, and that our relationship needs to be over without any plan to reinstate in later. But I just couldn't bring myself to let him go at the time. Actually, doing so didn't even cross my mind. So instead I pushed things until he cracked and ended it. And now I have my closure.... Anyway, I think right now I'm going to create a list of my ex's cons because it might help. 1. Says he doesn't know how to love someone long term 2. Says he doesn't know how he'll handle being married, because it's too difficult for him to be around (live with) one person for too long 3. Dumped me 2 months into our 7 months (total) together because he said he had a vision from God that we wouldn't have a good future 4. Thinks it's ok to hold a close (girl) friend like he used to hold me 5. Often attempts to talk to people who don't want to be bothered, but he presses them for conversation anyway, which makes them feel weird 6. When we used to go out with friends, he would usually interact with all the people we were with but seemed to not notice me 7. Is very arrogant in his attitude and often in the way he speaks with others 8. Claims that he does not know how to be comforting 9. Says he doesn't have many emotions and cannot empathize 10. Can't deal with serious conversations or emotions from others. They cause him to shut down 11. Can't maturely deal with confrontation or anything negative at all 12. Did not defend me when two girls were picking at me at a bus stop (because I was white and he is black.. they were black girls) I could probably even come up with more but I'll stop now. Gonna try to make the best of my two weeks away from school. Main activity will be fitness - want to get into the best shape I can. Later Edited August 6, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 Day 20... so it's been about 3 weeks. After my dramatic exit my ex won't be hearing a peep from me again. I guess dramatic exits are my style? Lol. I made a dramatic exit too right after my ex left me initially. When I say dramatic I just mean emotional... not like throwing a shoe or something . Things are a bit rough right now because I'm home with a looooooooooooot of time on my hands. I know I should just enjoy it, but it's hard to be free with my thoughts. I'm starting to drown myself in physical fitness. It makes me feel powerful, with the side effect of making me look better. I realize my ex was seriously messed up and was bad for me.... so please, make these thoughts and the yearning and the general obsessiveness go away............. Please, oh powers of the universe! Seriously, this has taken such a hold on me and I'm so sick of it. Well at least my hope level is pretty low at this point. Much better than it being high. I know it should be at a negative 10 after all my ex put me through, but I'm such a sucker for his crap and I know it. At least I'm NC and will never, ever break it. At least there's that : /.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Best wishes to you Don't and to all that have read this thread. Just remember that you are not the problem, it is these men (and women) that are damaged and just a trainwreck destroying everything in their path. I have been in and out of a terrible relationship for almost three years, I just read this and it helped me so much - reasons not to go back even if he is asking http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dear-so-so-sorry-my-heartlibidoegoimagination-says-yes-but-my-self-esteem-says-no/ Great site in general, just know that you did nothing to cause this, you are just an innocent bystander. I was hit by a huge train (again!) this weekend and I am hoping to finally learn to look both ways and stay away from this loser!!!
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) Thank you bonpaw. I do love baggereclaim... great site, that lady knows her stuff! Oh, and you are so right. We need to recognize our value and stay away when someone else isn't treating us the way we deserve. Today is... who knows, and who cares. I think I'm done counting the days of NC. (ok, maybe not totally but today it just doesn't seem important). I need to stop thinking about this entirely. I need to accept that my biggest mistake was not letting that boy go when it was obviously toxic to try to keep him around in any capacity. I have kept blaming myself for all the things I did ... like when I sent a text message in an attempt to point out stuff that I thought he needed to change.... essentially to try to "fix" him... and when I approached him twice in one day pressing him to talk to me.... I did all that stuff because I was holding on to the crumbs he was feeding me and I wouldn't let him go, even though that was the only thing I could've done to preserve my dignity, sanity, and self-esteem. All that took a big hit when I refused to let him go. But I recognize that it's a bad situation and I have let him go now. More importantly, I've learned that the ONLY THING TO DO when someone is not treating you with respect and dignity is to send them away. I have a solid few weeks of NC under my belt and will absolutely not break NC - i'm completely secure in that statement. It's time for me to become a better ME. I know this boy is no good for me and I've let him go, finally.... even though the process of doing that caused a bit of a trainwreck. At least I've done it though and he won't have the satisfaction of hearing from me anymore! Truly, I do wish him the best, and I will NOT be mean or anything even close to that if he ever hunts me down again. I would be polite, but there will be a huge shield around me to protect from anything else he could think to say to me. Edited August 8, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Alright, so I broke NC. I just couldn't take the way it had ended a few weeks ago and wanted to say something to make peace. And hell, he may have read the message and laughed to himself and threw the phone off to the side then forgot it instantly, but I don't care. This is what I said: "I've had time to think, and I want you to know that I understand. I'm sorry for chasing you and saying unnecessary stuff - I just had trouble letting you go. I know we need to live our own lives and I'm happy to let you do that. Of course you've got a place in my heart and I want you to know that I'm only holding on to the good memories. Who knows, maybe we'll have more in the future, if all the stars align... I know, there are lots of stars (lol, I used a metaphor). Anyway, seriously, good luck. And maybe smile when you remember me ." Yeah, I know it's a little sappy. But seriously, the purpose of this was to ensure that when he thinks about me, he isn't seething while remembering how I refused to leave him alone, and to explain that away by saying it was just hard for me, and to simply make the vibes better. He has not responded, and honestly I don't think he will, nor do I expect a response. I mean, there would be no reason for him to. He's not looking to get back with me right now, and he hasn't been looking to talk. So, the message was mainly so that I can be honest with him in a more clear-headed way after letting a few weeks pass, and also so that now I have no real reason to feel bad. I mean, I made some mistakes, but in the end I apologized for them and tried to be a good person. I can't imagine that this will damage anything. In short, I sent the message so that I can sleep better at night knowing that I tried to remove any remaining ill feelings. If that's not good enough, then **** it, and my ex can go screw/date/marry whoever he pleases or whatever the heck he feels like doing. I'm proud to be me, and I'm certainly NOT perfect. But I ALWAYS try to do the right thing in the end.... and this is no exception. So yeah, that's my speech. Flame me if you want, but I'm happy I broke NC.
mickleb Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I have a solid few weeks of NC under my belt and will absolutely not break NC - i'm completely secure in that statement. "I've had time to think, and I want you to know that I understand. I'm sorry for chasing you and saying unnecessary stuff - I just had trouble letting you go. I know we need to live our own lives and I'm happy to let you do that. Of course you've got a place in my heart and I want you to know that I'm only holding on to the good memories. Who knows, maybe we'll have more in the future, if all the stars align... I know, there are lots of stars (lol, I used a metaphor). Anyway, seriously, good luck. And maybe smile when you remember me ." 180 in 1000 minutes? x
Recommended Posts