Devoted88 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 So, I will keep this short! I was with my boyfriend - 33 yrs old, for around 15 months, I am 22. I am mature, he is quite a kid, so age isn't the factor. We were blissfully happy and got on brilliantly, never had a fight and spent most nights together during that time. He decided out of the blue after 2 weekends away with his friends from the country where he previously lived, that he wanted to break up. I still stayed that night and the passion was the best ever, although he had broken my heart! 2 Days later we saw each other for him to answer my questions - it seems he felt claustrophobic and didn't feel the need to move forward in the relationship and was having doubts, then realized he saw me more as a friend. He has a very small group of friends where we live, whereas I have quite a few, so I believe that this could have been a factor of why he see's me as a friend - I am practically the only person he see's on a regular basis! I am realizing now that we probably spent too much time together and the spark went for him. However, he is away on business now and we are on a break, with contact - although it's day 5 and still nothing from him, I am forcing myself not to contact him!! We are due to see each other on Sunday, 13 days after the day he wanted to break up, to see if he has missed me while he has been away and whether we have any hope. We have a holiday booked to take in 2 weeks together, which needs to be sorted too! I guess my question is, knowing he is stubborn and that if I tell him I have now decided I don't want to be with him, he will probably just be happy for me and move on, how do I make him realize we have a chance and that he could get back that feeling with just a bit of excitement! I am not saying he is the one, but what we had was so good, too good to give up on that that! Who knows, if he gets over his commitment issues, he could be the one! Has anyone any advice? Knowing he is the opposite of all normal men! And the only way he mentioned I could get him back would be if he saw me with someone else and was jealous! Which by then will be too late for me! And in about 6 months when I am finally over him! :-(
thelovingkind Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Anything you do that might stand a chance at getting him back will have nothing to do with him genuinely and openly wanting to share a future with you, and everything to do with manipulating his superficial desires for validation and power. Is that you want? To be in a relationship where you have persistent, nagging doubts that the other person only wants to be with you because you played them like a board game? He's not "stubborn" and he doesn't need fixing, unfortunately he just doesn't want to be with you. What you had may have been too good for you, but it was not too good for him, or you would not be in this situation. I know that's really tough to swallow, and it's a horrible situation that you're in, but that's precisely why you need to front up to that reality. The sooner you do, the sooner you have a hope of finding yourself a person who will know without a shadow of a doubt that you are the one for him.
Author Devoted88 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Anything you do that might stand a chance at getting him back will have nothing to do with him genuinely and openly wanting to share a future with you, and everything to do with manipulating his superficial desires for validation and power. Is that you want? To be in a relationship where you have persistent, nagging doubts that the other person only wants to be with you because you played them like a board game? He's not "stubborn" and he doesn't need fixing, unfortunately he just doesn't want to be with you. What you had may have been too good for you, but it was not too good for him, or you would not be in this situation. I know that's really tough to swallow, and it's a horrible situation that you're in, but that's precisely why you need to front up to that reality. The sooner you do, the sooner you have a hope of finding yourself a person who will know without a shadow of a doubt that you are the one for him. You are right, I agree that I wouldn't want to have a constant doubt of his feelings, I just think if he could give it a chance he might see that he does still have those feelings...I think he is going by friends experience to justify his feelings or make himself believe that things are not right - when really he has never - to quote - had a sweeter girlfriend! Any advice how I should act when I meet him on Sunday?
PegNosePete Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Don't meet him on Sunday. If he misses you and wants you back then he will come to you on his knees. He knows your number and where you live.
Author Devoted88 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Don't meet him on Sunday. If he misses you and wants you back then he will come to you on his knees. He knows your number and where you live. Well technically we hadn't arranged times etc, and with me forcing myself to not be the first to make contact, he will have to call or contact me if he wants to see me! Just wish he would! :-(
geegirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 You are right, I agree that I wouldn't want to have a constant doubt of his feelings, I just think if he could give it a chance he might see that he does still have those feelings...I think he is going by friends experience to justify his feelings or make himself believe that things are not right - when really he has never - to quote - had a sweeter girlfriend! Any advice how I should act when I meet him on Sunday? First of all, you have an emotionally immature man on your hands. Secondly, stop evaluating the potential of your relationship for him. You think, you believe, you feel. Not the same as what he feels, thinks and believes and he is showing you through action and his words. While you may feel with every fiber in our being that it's the best thing for both of you, you need to stop trying to convince yourself that all you need is to make him realize. You can't force your value of the relationship on him. You can skirt around his plain and straighforward conclusion of what he wants and how he views the R with all sorts of speculative reasonings but the bottom line is, he is just not invested in wanting a relationship with you. You have to be with someone to make him jealous, hence reignite his interest. No man who loves a woman would want her to be with another man just to make him jealous so that he can find his fire again. This sounds like a control issue to me. He feels claustrophobic when you get close. He wants distance, not closeness. He sees you as a friend. If he's demoted you to friend, then it's likely to stay that way. Needs to see if space will make him miss you. You're supposed to be coming together to build an R not growing apart to see if you can build an R. When all the arrows are pointing south, listen to what he is saying. And even if you tried to reignite or as you say convince him, most likely all these issues will resurface again. He's just not into you. He's a normal man. A man who is not wanting to be fully committed and invested in a relationship.
nikkinicole36 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) I agree with everyone else. Why should you need to convince someone to be with you. Either they really want to or they don't. You said so yourself, you don't even think he's the one. So why waste your time jumping through hoops to keep someone that you yourself doesn't even feel is the one for you. If he truly wants to be with you, he will come back. If he doesn't consider yourself lucky that you can now go on and be with someone that will truly value you and what a relationship with you means. If at 33 he has all of these issues now, he's most likely not going to change. You have your whole life ahead of you. Right now you should be enjoying you and the things that you have to offer. He sounds really immature and obviously still has a lot of growing up to do. Edited July 20, 2011 by nikkinicole36
Author Devoted88 Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 I agree with everyone else. Why should you need to convince someone to be with you. Either they really want to or they don't. You said so yourself, you don't even think he's the one. So why waste your time jumping through hoops to keep someone that you yourself doesn't even feel is the one for you. If he truly wants to be with you, he will come back. If he doesn't consider yourself lucky that you can now go on and be with someone that will truly value you and what a relationship with you means. If at 33 he has all of these issues now, he's most likely not going to change. You have your whole life ahead of you. Right now you should be enjoying you and the things that you have to offer. He sounds really immature and obviously still has a lot of growing up to do. I think you have hit the nail on the head! Immature and probably will not change now if he hasn't already! I knew from the beginning that marriage was not an option for him but that children were, so compromised on that. I just cannot understand how a man can make a decision that he no longer wants to be with me in 9 days! It was just slight doubts before that were not important, then in 9 days he changed and decided on his own that it wasn't right! Is he just being fickle and saying this is the end because he is panicking? :-( Still no contact so far!
PegNosePete Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 You need to stop thinking about him, and start thinking about you. Your happiness is what's important to you, after all.
Author Devoted88 Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 You need to stop thinking about him, and start thinking about you. Your happiness is what's important to you, after all. Thank you! :-) Trying with all my might!
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