Ursula Coyote Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I have a problem. I’ve fallen for a married man. Before you start judging I just want to say nothing physical has happened between us as this is a one sided attraction. I need help breaking my addiction to this person! I don’t want to have these feelings and I keep berating myself to STOP! I don’t even know how it happened. I’ve known this person for 15 years and there was never any attraction in the past, and now suddenly I’ve realized that slowly but surly by small increments over the course of about a year I developed an attraction for him. Not good, not good at all! I think the problem is I went through a break-up of my own and was at a point in my life where I needed some support. At around the same time I started a project with him. He was never inappropriate, but he was kind and we worked well together toward a common goal. Now I've developed an attachment to him and I have to find a way to break it! I can’t "not" see him as we work together so unfortunately I can't just break all contact. It would be nice to find someone single to take his place, but eligible men are few and far between unfortunately in my current social circles at this time. On top of all this I am currently suffering from a bout of depression, so I crave that little jolt of "happy hormones" I get when I see him as it gives me a moment of joy in an otherwise dismal day. Not good, not good at all! What are some coping strategies?? My poor brain is in turmoil. I don’t want to have these feelings but it’s hard to break the connection. UC
Streetlights Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I'm a little more than a month into trying to break an addiction to someone. I've had a really rough time with this. So tough that it has made me consider that maybe I have an addictive personality. There are two things that have helped me: - Distractions. Activities outside of work, meeting other people, whatever. Communicating with new people has really helped. Distract yourself as much as you can. Though, your situation might be different because you work with him (my addiction was not at work). - Time. I know this is not something you can proactively use. Just try to take comfort in the fact that as time goes on, it does get better (as long as you are doing what you can to make your situation better and not worse.) I wasn't strong enough to break all contact. He talks to me almost everyday. But I am moving past the feelings I had for him, slowly but surely. Some people will disagree, but it is possible (in my situation anyway.) It was just a matter of taking the focus off of him and my interactions with him (distraction) and forming new habits (time).
MissBee Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Fill your life with other activities. You're depressed and you also had your own break up....that can be a time where you get into all sorts of things "to feel good", that may not actually be good for you. Post my break up I was in a ridiculous fog of foolishness and strange rebound scenarios to feel better. I would have NEVER normally been attracted to these people, further a man who is nice and you've known for a while, it's understandable how those feelings would arise given your other feelings. I think you need to get your life back and work through your depression, perhaps counseling will help, reading good books and just finding fresh goals and meaning and activities in your life so that this man won't be your happy drug. Take up a new activity that you've wanted, get a makeover, join a group, have a date night for yourself weekly where you LOVE and treat yourself. That helped me a lot. To enjoy the small moments and set goals that I could focus on accomplishing in the now and rewarding myself with treats and treating ME how I wanted a partner to treat me. It made me happier and more attractive to others and I depended less on the attentions and half-hearted or creepy affection of men Everybody wants to be loved, to feel attractive and especially when you're at a low point you look for that gleam of hope...and sometimes you find it in the absolute wrong place. I definitely know. But you can also realize it and turn it around and get to a great place sans drama
sandrawg Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Not to threadjack, but I'm in the same boat as you. He has a longterm LDR girlfriend. Supposedly, their relationship is not good, and that's not just coming from him. We slept together once. I've known him a little over a month. He IMs me..texts me...calls me all the time. He seems to have no plans to break it off with his LDR. I know I can't ever let myself sleep with him again. I have 2 months on the west coast before I move out to his city, to break any compulsion to want to be with him. It's hard. I, too, feel like I'm addicted. I would say to the OP, just distract! distract..I am trying to meet other men who live out there, on online dating sites. There's one in particular I'm really interested in, but he seem too busy to give me much attention. I'm a little more than a month into trying to break an addiction to someone. I've had a really rough time with this. So tough that it has made me consider that maybe I have an addictive personality. There are two things that have helped me: - Distractions. Activities outside of work, meeting other people, whatever. Communicating with new people has really helped. Distract yourself as much as you can. Though, your situation might be different because you work with him (my addiction was not at work). - Time. I know this is not something you can proactively use. Just try to take comfort in the fact that as time goes on, it does get better (as long as you are doing what you can to make your situation better and not worse.) I wasn't strong enough to break all contact. He talks to me almost everyday. But I am moving past the feelings I had for him, slowly but surely. Some people will disagree, but it is possible (in my situation anyway.) It was just a matter of taking the focus off of him and my interactions with him (distraction) and forming new habits (time).
Author Ursula Coyote Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Thank you to those who have so far responded. Your kind words are appreciated. Addictive personality, that’s an interesting way to put it…..I would rather think of it as a passionate personality. It’s what allows me to excel at the things I love and devote myself to projects with an energy and enthusiasm that others simply cannot match. Unfortunately, when that same passion is turned in the wrong direction it’s very hard to fight. Distraction, distraction distraction…..I agree. Unfortunately as I’m sure these words have been uttered from the keyboards of innumerable other women in a similar position…."if only I could stop thinking about him!" I keep telling myself, he’s married, he’s off limits. Theirs is absolutely nothing to gain and everything to lose on this fantastical path you keep dreaming of. When I get an email form him I feel a jolt of adrenalin, when he doesn’t reply to an email of mine I feel ignored and despair. The logical side of my brain knows it’s absurd, yet my emotional side simply won’t let it go. Man, am I a mess of conflicting thoughts and emotions. I do agree about counseling for my depression, but at $150 and hour it’s simply out of my financial reach. I don’t want medications either as I just recently tried one at the prescription of my doctor and the side effects were more than I could handle. In a nutshell, I’m on my own with this and I have to navigate the waters of depression without any aid. I think he knows something is up as I’ve noticed him pulling away recently, which is the best thing really, but Gods does it hurt! I’ve come to rely on him for my happiness and that’s just not right….I need to find my own happiness.
waytogo Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Thank you to those who have so far responded. Your kind words are appreciated. Addictive personality, that’s an interesting way to put it…..I would rather think of it as a passionate personality. It’s what allows me to excel at the things I love and devote myself to projects with an energy and enthusiasm that others simply cannot match. Unfortunately, when that same passion is turned in the wrong direction it’s very hard to fight. Distraction, distraction distraction…..I agree. Unfortunately as I’m sure these words have been uttered from the keyboards of innumerable other women in a similar position…."if only I could stop thinking about him!" I keep telling myself, he’s married, he’s off limits. Theirs is absolutely nothing to gain and everything to lose on this fantastical path you keep dreaming of. When I get an email form him I feel a jolt of adrenalin, when he doesn’t reply to an email of mine I feel ignored and despair. The logical side of my brain knows it’s absurd, yet my emotional side simply won’t let it go. Man, am I a mess of conflicting thoughts and emotions. I do agree about counseling for my depression, but at $150 and hour it’s simply out of my financial reach. I don’t want medications either as I just recently tried one at the prescription of my doctor and the side effects were more than I could handle. In a nutshell, I’m on my own with this and I have to navigate the waters of depression without any aid. I think he knows something is up as I’ve noticed him pulling away recently, which is the best thing really, but Gods does it hurt! I’ve come to rely on him for my happiness and that’s just not right….I need to find my own happiness. I do hope you will thank your lucky stars. You were/are vulnerable. If he were going to go there, sounds very much like you would have also. Being OW often means further instability behind the instability you were seeking to escape. Hold on and post here. The right kind of things to make you happy will happen as you look out for yourself. We are in your corner
Author Ursula Coyote Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 I do hope you will thank your lucky stars. You were/are vulnerable. If he were going to go there, sounds very much like you would have also. Being OW often means further instability behind the instability you were seeking to escape. Hold on and post here. The right kind of things to make you happy will happen as you look out for yourself. We are in your corner Thanks. I'd like to think I wouldn't have gone there.....but who knows. I just wish I didn't feel so alone.
Tenacity Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 You are not alone in how you feel. I could have written your second post, in terms of how you react. It describes exactly how I felt (still do feel that way, to some extent, but time has helped). Be glad that you didn't get involved (and please don't!) If you want an example of what a disaster it can become, and what it can ultimately do to your life, read my story (and many others here as well). Trust me, it gets much, much harder once you are involved. As for your depression, I would forget about the $150/hr therapy (depression is a medical condition that should be treated with medication... not to say that counseling can't help, but medication is what reverses the condition). If you had side effects with one medication, then explain that to your physician and try another one. You have no idea how much it can help.
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