Stuck in Vertigo Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Situation is below. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=277921 I had an EA with a coworker that lasted a few months and only recently ended. This happened a few years after my own wife's affair which I didn't handle very well. We were incredibly immature when it comes to relationships, and a physical separation from my wife has made this more apparent to both of us. Basically, we both behaved like giant tits, and neither of us want to behave like giant tits anymore. So, as part of the reconciliation process with my wife, she would like to set up a lunch date with my ex-OW. Just to hear her side of the story and get some closure. Ex-OW is perfectly fine with it. Neither of them are violent or angry people so that it isn't exactly what I'm worried about. Now, I never got to meet my wife's ex-OM so I don't have much experience in this area. For anyone who have been in similar positions to either my wife, ex-OW or both, what issues do think they might raise? I want to be able to plan ahead on particular subjects, and talk to my wife about them afterwards. I'm especially curious as to what my ex-OW might say. Thanks.
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Is this something you want? Why does your wife need this? What's your ex-AP's motivation? Personally I think the focus (yours and your wife's) should be your marriage.
Glinda Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Is this something you want? Why does your wife need this? What's your ex-AP's motivation? Personally I think the focus (yours and your wife's) should be your marriage.As an OW, it's impossible for you to grasp that gleaning the truth from all parties is focusing on the M. Stuck, I appreciate your question. However, situations like these never go as planned regardless of how much you prepare. My advice is to be honest and to encourage all parties to do the same. Good luck with your reconciliation.
TurboGirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Bad idea. Why would your Wife need "closure" from YOUR Affair? I think your W wants to check her out to see what you saw in her. This will lead to no good. The only thing I see coming out of this is the bad feelings being dredged back up to the surface. You are working on your M together, and your M should be your main focuse, Not your W meeting your ex OW. You can never predict how these things will go. You might think, aaahh it will be ok, but there is a very very good chance that it won't. Leaving more room for behaviour as "giant tits" as you put it.
Glinda Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Stuck, Obviously your thread is misplaced. You will receive better responses posting on the infidelity board, where people who have experienced a meeting with the ex-AP can share their experiences. OW are as conflict avoidant as you were during your EA, and your W during her A. As such, they are likely to discourage any meeting with the AP.
bentnotbroken Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Situation is below. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=277921 I had an EA with a coworker that lasted a few months and only recently ended. This happened a few years after my own wife's affair which I didn't handle very well. We were incredibly immature when it comes to relationships, and a physical separation from my wife has made this more apparent to both of us. Basically, we both behaved like giant tits, and neither of us want to behave like giant tits anymore. So, as part of the reconciliation process with my wife, she would like to set up a lunch date with my ex-OW. Just to hear her side of the story and get some closure. Ex-OW is perfectly fine with it. Neither of them are violent or angry people so that it isn't exactly what I'm worried about. Now, I never got to meet my wife's ex-OM so I don't have much experience in this area. For anyone who have been in similar positions to either my wife, ex-OW or both, what issues do think they might raise? I want to be able to plan ahead on particular subjects, and talk to my wife about them afterwards. I'm especially curious as to what my ex-OW might say. Thanks. I have to ask you why does what issues are raised matters. If you are on board with building a new marriage, then you should have no issues with her need for HER form of closure. You made the decision not to met with the OM in your situation. She needs something different and should do what SHE needs. You don't get to plan ahead for her reactions, responses or emotions...only your own. Is there something that OW might say you haven't been completely up front with your wife about?
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 As an OW, it's impossible for you to grasp that gleaning the truth from all parties is focusing on the M. Stuck, I appreciate your question. However, situations like these never go as planned regardless of how much you prepare. My advice is to be honest and to encourage all parties to do the same. Good luck with your reconciliation. I've been on both sides of the fence, g. I agree with Turbo. Thing is, this guy's wife can read his thread. If it's not about checking out the other person then I don't see what can be added. I would have thought his perception, his actions, his feelings are the important parts, where this affair is concerned. I'm certainly not suggesting there be suppression of truth, I'm suggesting that the truth is already there for the taking.
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Stuck, Obviously your thread is misplaced. You will receive better responses posting on the infidelity board, where people who have experienced a meeting with the ex-AP can share their experiences. OW are as conflict avoidant as you were during your EA, and your W during her A. As such, they are likely to discourage any meeting with the AP. He says he's curious as to what the ex-OW may say to his wife. So the OW board is the right place.
Ms. Red Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=277921 I had an EA with a coworker that lasted a few months and only recently ended. This happened a few years after my own wife's affair which I didn't handle very well. We were incredibly immature when it comes to relationships, and a physical separation from my wife has made this more apparent to both of us. Basically, we both behaved like giant tits, and neither of us want to behave like giant tits anymore. So, as part of the reconciliation process with my wife, she would like to set up a lunch date with my ex-OW. Just to hear her side of the story and get some closure. Ex-OW is perfectly fine with it. Neither of them are violent or angry people so that it isn't exactly what I'm worried about. Now, I never got to meet my wife's ex-OM so I don't have much experience in this area. For anyone who have been in similar positions to either my wife, ex-OW or both, what issues do think they might raise? I want to be able to plan ahead on particular subjects, and talk to my wife about them afterwards. I'm especially curious as to what my ex-OW might say. Thanks. Does the X-OW have any information that you haven't told your wife? Or, will she lie and make you look like a liar to your wife? The last thing I'd want to do as a BS is talk to the OP. I wouldn't believe them anyway. I think this all leads to the fact that your wife doesn't trust you now and needs to back up your "story" you've told her.
TurboGirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I think this all leads to the fact that your wife doesn't trust you now and needs to back up your "story" you've told her. Yes, I agree that may be a strong possibility. If you truly have cleared the air and are starting fresh with your M, trusting each other, etc... this wouldn't be a great way to cement that... just my opinion.
Glinda Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 He says he's curious as to what the ex-OW may say to his wife. So the OW board is the right place.Incorrect. He asked, For anyone who have been in similar positions to either my wife, ex-OW or both, what issues do think they might raise As the typical self centered OW, you focused upon his query about the OW. His query has gone unanswered by OW. I responded that the typical OW would not agree to a meeting. So far, I have been correct.I have to ask you why does what issues are raised matters. If you are on board with building a new marriage, then you should have no issues with her need for HER form of closure. You made the decision not to met with the OM in your situation. She needs something different and should do what SHE needs. You don't get to plan ahead for her reactions, responses or emotions...only your own. Is there something that OW might say you haven't been completely up front with your wife about? Agree.
spice4life Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) I deleted what I wrote because I read your story after posting. Just let them talk and deal with things as they come. You are a stand up guy and confronting your issues directly. Good for you! Best wishes on your journey. Edited July 20, 2011 by spice4life
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I'm especially curious as to what my ex-OW might say. Incorrect. He asked, As the typical self centered OW, you focused upon his query about the OW. He used the word especially, so yes, I said that here would be the right board for that, and I stand by that. You win Pedant of the Day Award though :bunny:
Spark1111 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 FBS here.... Talking to the xOW was one of the best things I ever did for closure and my own healing. No, I did not trust him. He kept trickle-truthing. Maybe you did not, but after infidelity is discovered the WS could say the sky is blue and it wouldn't be believed. You ARE a stand up guy for doing this. Come back and let us know what YOU learned having these two women at the same table together. As for your wife wanting to check her out, and to observe your reaction to your xOW, could be. So what?
JaneyAmazed Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I can see why she'd want to meet the xOW, but my mom did that when she found out my dad's affair and it was horrible experience. The xOW told her things that haunt her to this day that really were not important in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes the details of an affair are better left unsaid unless specifically asked about. My mom said she wished she didn't know certain things that the xOW told her. It opens a wound that might have healed otherwise. I would never lie to my H again, and would answer any questions he has, but I wouldn't volunteer information from the past that serves no purpose but to haunt his brain, as if it's not already haunted enough. Having said that, the BS does have a right to talk to xOW. Maybe she doesn't want to know details. Maybe the xOW won't say anything surprising. Maybe she will. Only then will the BS find out if she can handle the anything not discovered before, if she wants to handle it after what she discovers, if it did more harm than good, or if it actually brought closure. To me, the risks outweigh the benefits...but it is her choice. I've never been a BS so I have no idea what I'd want to do. I probably would want to meet the xOW too, whether it was good for me or not. Everyone handles it differently. My H talked to my xOM on the phone, but didn't ask him any questions. All he told him was we were going to work on our marriage and he is to never contact me again or (consequences I can't disclose).
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Janey, what you say makes sense. I wonder if it's feeding in to the drama and upset of the affair, rather than a constructive step forward for the marriage. Could be harrowing. I am a real need-to-knower but never had any interest in the OWs. I knew what I needed to know in terms of what HE'D done and the impact on our relationship. I didn't need to meet them, and I guess I'm glad I don't carry those memories around now.
JaneyAmazed Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Janey, what you say makes sense. I wonder if it's feeding in to the drama and upset of the affair, rather than a constructive step forward for the marriage. Could be harrowing. I am a real need-to-knower but never had any interest in the OWs. I knew what I needed to know in terms of what HE'D done and the impact on our relationship. I didn't need to meet them, and I guess I'm glad I don't carry those memories around now. I also thought about the fact that the xOW may or may not be totally honest with the BS, which could add drama and hurt that could have been avoided. My dad's xOW told my mom that he was with other women too. I have no idea if that's true or not. My dad denied it and insisted that was not true, but my mom always doubted him after she said that. My dad's xOW also told my mom she wasn't sorry for what she did and that my mom just needed to "get over it." I kid you not.
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I also thought about the fact that the xOW may or may not be totally honest with the BS, which could add drama and hurt that could have been avoided. My dad's xOW told my mom that he was with other women too. I have no idea if that's true or not. My dad denied it and insisted that was not true, but my mom always doubted him after she said that. My dad's xOW also told my mom she wasn't sorry for what she did and that my mom just needed to "get over it." I kid you not. That's cruel and unneccessary. Poor lady.
Summer Breeze Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Stuck, Obviously your thread is misplaced. You will receive better responses posting on the infidelity board, where people who have experienced a meeting with the ex-AP can share their experiences. OW are as conflict avoidant as you were during your EA, and your W during her A. As such, they are likely to discourage any meeting with the AP. Meeeooooooowwwwww Glinda. I've never avoided a genuine conflict in my life. My xMMs W talked to me after every dday. She had my home number and my cell number and I told her to call me whenever she wanted. The only times she did were after dday. I would discourage a lunch date. What's that all about? Public place so no one can get hurt? Never mind. To each their own I guess. I would think a call would do it but whatever. Someone down the line said the BS had the right to talk to the OW. No she doesn't. If the OW wants to talk to her thats fine but neither have any right to talk to the other. OP you do sound like you're getting it together but this niggles. I also think she's testing and you might want to think about how she'll feel if a stranger starts answering questions. When I had my talks with her I told her not to ask anything she didn't want the truth for. She asked a few very pointed questions and I answered. He had answered everything truthfully but it was very different hearing things from me.
Try Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) Situation is below. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=277921 I had an EA with a coworker that lasted a few months and only recently ended. This happened a few years after my own wife's affair which I didn't handle very well. We were incredibly immature when it comes to relationships, and a physical separation from my wife has made this more apparent to both of us. Basically, we both behaved like giant tits, and neither of us want to behave like giant tits anymore. Your wife had an EA affair that she let develop into a full blown physical affair. You had an “exit” EA that you did not let develop into a physical affair; you only had this exit EA after learning of her affair, at a time when you were very vulnerable, hurt and needed comfort because of what she did. Clearly she was the instigator and what she did was much worse, yet somehow she has you believing that what you did was equally bad and that you are now even. Your EA affair was a direct and understandable response to her full blown affair that you did not let develop into a physical affair. You got the comfort and emotional support that you only needed because of her actions. I am happy that you are trying to work it out with your wife, but do not make believe that you were a bad person in this situation. You were just human and trying to deal with a horrible situation that was thrust upon you. As for your wife meeting your Ex-OW, that is just furthering the con that you were equally in the wrong. Edited July 20, 2011 by Try Typo
Summer Breeze Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I also thought about the fact that the xOW may or may not be totally honest with the BS, which could add drama and hurt that could have been avoided. My dad's xOW told my mom that he was with other women too. I have no idea if that's true or not. My dad denied it and insisted that was not true, but my mom always doubted him after she said that. My dad's xOW also told my mom she wasn't sorry for what she did and that my mom just needed to "get over it." I kid you not. JA what if it was all true. What if your dad knew that he could talk your mom around if the OW told her the truth? What if he was seeing other OW? As far as her not being sorry, well neither am I and I told xMMsW that. She asked and I told her the truth. I didn't say 'get over it' but I did say that I'd probably look at getting some IC and MC to make it work but that was their decision. I'm not saying that your dad was guilty of all of that but we all know that the BS in the middle of reconciling will look at anything the AP says as a lie borne to do nothing more than hurt them. But what if the words are true. If his W has chosen to reconcile she won't have a clue if it's a lie or the truth. There were things that xMMsW said to me that I knew were lies and exaggerations designed to hurt me. Both parties are defensive and natural adversaries. Does anyone believe anyone? I really don't see any good coming of it. But that's your decision OP.
JaneyAmazed Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 That's cruel and unneccessary. Poor lady. The good thing is my mom has moved on with her life (six years later). Actually yesterday was 6 years since Dday and a year and half since the divorce. She still loves my dad, but in a different way. She is not in love with him or pining after him. She is even seeing another man now. I have seen her go through hell and I've seen her rise above it all. She is a new woman, and one I admire. As far as that xOW, I believe her day will come if not already. Karma baby. Sorry for the T/J
Emme Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Now, I never got to meet my wife's ex-OM so I don't have much experience in this area. Did you want to meet her OM? Honestly.
JaneyAmazed Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 JA what if it was all true. What if your dad knew that he could talk your mom around if the OW told her the truth? What if he was seeing other OW? As far as her not being sorry, well neither am I and I told xMMsW that. She asked and I told her the truth. I didn't say 'get over it' but I did say that I'd probably look at getting some IC and MC to make it work but that was their decision. I'm not saying that your dad was guilty of all of that but we all know that the BS in the middle of reconciling will look at anything the AP says as a lie borne to do nothing more than hurt them. But what if the words are true. If his W has chosen to reconcile she won't have a clue if it's a lie or the truth. There were things that xMMsW said to me that I knew were lies and exaggerations designed to hurt me. Both parties are defensive and natural adversaries. Does anyone believe anyone? I really don't see any good coming of it. But that's your decision OP. I guess I wasn't too clear on their particular situation, but my dad's affair was over 20 years ago but my mom didn't find out until 6 years ago through someone else. He never confessed until she confronted him 6 years ago. The affair had long since been over. It didn't hurt her any less though. Looking back, I know my mom had to talk to the xOW. I don't the the xOW's words made my mom divorce my dad. I think my mom may have eventually trusted him, but the truth is he didn't really fight for their marriage. He couldn't deal with her ups and downs and all the questions. He moved out not long after dday. They were never the same again. There are so many dynamics to the story. They were on again off again for 4 years until the divorce. I do, however, believe the xOW owed my mom apology. It doesn't matter how she felt about my dad (although she left my dad for another OM so I don't think she felt too much for him). She slept with my mom's husband for 4 years. Many times they had sex in my parents' bed. For THAT alone, she should have apologized. Some people just don't have remorse or guilt. She (the xOW) nor her husband had remorse or guilt. They both had OMs/OWs and didn't see it as a big deal. Meanwhile, it almost killed my mom. Her lack of compassion for my mom is what made me so mad.
Summer Breeze Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I guess I wasn't too clear on their particular situation, but my dad's affair was over 20 years ago but my mom didn't find out until 6 years ago through someone else. He never confessed until she confronted him 6 years ago. The affair had long since been over. It didn't hurt her any less though. Looking back, I know my mom had to talk to the xOW. I don't the the xOW's words made my mom divorce my dad. I think my mom may have eventually trusted him, but the truth is he didn't really fight for their marriage. He couldn't deal with her ups and downs and all the questions. He moved out not long after dday. They were never the same again. There are so many dynamics to the story. They were on again off again for 4 years until the divorce. I do, however, believe the xOW owed my mom apology. It doesn't matter how she felt about my dad (although she left my dad for another OM so I don't think she felt too much for him). She slept with my mom's husband for 4 years. Many times they had sex in my parents' bed. For THAT alone, she should have apologized. Some people just don't have remorse or guilt. She (the xOW) nor her husband had remorse or guilt. They both had OMs/OWs and didn't see it as a big deal. Meanwhile, it almost killed my mom. Her lack of compassion for my mom is what made me so mad. Thanks for that Janey. That does shed more light on the story. I would never apologize for my A. I'm not sorry for any of it. I am sorry that your mom didn't get the closure she wanted. Thanks again for explaining.
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