Exboyfriend and me in touch after 6 months of NC!!

[catchthedrift]

This is hopefully not going to be too long and I thank you in advance for reading...

 

My story starts about 2 years back where I lived in Europe in a big city and met a guy at a club who I fell in love with at first sight. We spent 29 hours together before he needed to fly back to NYC.

We stayed in touch via email,phone,text,letters and I visited him 1 1/2 months later. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I moved to NYC to live with him two months after that.

We were happy until 4 months after that. I was visiting home and while I was at home he broke up with me via email. I called him, was devastated, he wouldnt listen, he wouldn't talk or explain. Two weeks after that he decided to want me back and cried and begged. I got back together with him, a few months later moved back in with him. We were happier than ever, he was head over heels for me, everybody in his family and friends loved me, we had a healthy relationship. But in the early fall last year he started to change. We got a new roommate, this roommate made my ex start smoke pot, drink a lot and go out a lot without me. He would come home drunk and be full of anger, when I confronted him about his personality change he kept insisting he knows what he is doing. Whenever I mentioned to him that he was drinking too much (given the fact that his parents both had alcohol issues in the past and present, they are also DIVORCED) he would tell me to not tell him what to do, and after a while he expressed to me that he was unhappy with his life.

He told me he wanted to quit his job (accountant at age 23 with ****load of workhours) and become an artist. I told him to do it. He told me he wanted to move back to California where he was from, i told him to do it. He told me he was unhappy with our relationship because he felt like he couldn't make me happy anymore. I agreed with him. He then told me he wanted to break up. I told him to think about it, while he went on a vacation to California.

When he came back everything was great for a few hours, then he repeated that his decision was still the same.

My world fell apart.

 

At this point we were still living together and after the official break up we continued to live together for a whole month, which was very toxic, but I couldn't go anywhere, bc we both didn't have many friends and I was on the search for a new place from then on.

 

While we were broken up still living together, I started going out a lot and met a lot of new people. I would sit on the couch playing xbox with a few guyfriends (just friends!) and he would come home and direct me to our room to tell me in tears he can't believe how I could move on so quickly and that I should "feel his heart beating really fast". I told him he was a hypocrite because he broke up with me and me having fun with my friends should be a good thing. He said "I don't know who of these guys you are making out with" and I told him that they were just friends and he needed to calm down.

 

Another incident was where he read my diary and read about this particular guy I had sex with after our break up. I was rebounding fast at the time because I was so very torn over the breakup that it was at the time the only thing that made sense to me.

He confronted me again and he told me again in tears that he can't believe I am moving on so quickly after we just had broken up.

 

During that time he would want to cuddle every other night and 4 weeks after the break up, the day before I moved out, we even had sex again. He told me many times in emails or texts that he just needed to be alone to figure out his life and that he wasn't ready for the commitment. He told me his feelings had nothing to do with it. When we talked in person he was always very irrational. He would get drunk and scream and rip his clothes apart, and I had never seen him like that before. It was clear that this breakup had taken its toll on him as well. We were both hysteric and irrational at times, even though I seemed to be slightly more levelheaded in conversations we had, albeit my continuous crying and asking "why".

 

One night I went out with our roommate and we got really drunk. When we got home, my ex wasn't home and we fell asleep on the couch cuddling. We then both woke up and went into his bed where we started making out. He told me how much he was attracted to me all the time and that my ex could never find out about 'this'. I admitted it and went to my room to sleep.

Later in another fight with my ex he brought up reading in my diary that I seem to be in love with our roommate and he told me he can't live with him anymore if that is true. I told him it wasn't true, and how outrageous I thought it was of him to read my personal journal. He told me he was going to move out of the place as well and move in with our roommate in a new apartment, because this one had too many memories of me.

 

The day I moved out we talked on the phone (he was at work) and I told him he should call me the next day bc I didn't take the DVDs (bc I didn't remember which were mine, which were his, which were 'ours' so I told him to decide and then just put them in a box so I could pick them up another day). He told me he'd call the next day. That call never came. That was late November 2010.

 

Mid-February 2011, this year, it was my birthday and I got an email saying "Happy Birthday, hope all is well" which I never replied to.

 

About a two months ago, in late May, I wrote him a really long email. I wrote about how I never had closure because he just never called and that I waited forever for that call. I told him how sad I was how things ended and that I look back to our relationship positively and that I would love to catch up and meet up and see how it goes.

 

He genuinely replied 2 days alter with a long response apologizing for how things ended and that he had never called. He said he was in an awful state at the time and irrational and he didn't want to continue a back and forth argument that wasn't leading anywhere. He told me he also looked back to our relationship with a lot of positivity and if he was to run into me on the street he would not feel that it would be awkward or weird, and he would have nothing but positivity for me. But then he wrote that he is not ready to meet up because he still needs to figure out what he wants from life and that he needed to do this alone. (!) He then updated me on his life and how he's doing and he slipped in even some insiders that only him and me know, which I thought was cute and maybe a hint.

 

About the same time I met my new boyfriend and made it 'facebook official' (he wanted to).

A few days after that my ex deleted me from his facebook friends.

I wrote an email to his best friend in California asking her for advice, because she had always been sweet and genuine to me and a true soul.

She told me she believes he just isn't ready yet and still trying to move on. He also hadn't been seeing anyone ever since our break up.

 

A few days after that my ex wrote me a message saying he was sorry for deleting me, it was bc some 'random dude from LA who he hung out with' added me and it weirded him out (?).

He then asked to be my 'facebook' friend again. Occasionally he would 'like' some of my pictures, though always ones that I took when we were together.

 

A few weeks ago I asked him if I can come by and pick up the DVDs he still had. He told me he was busy at work (believable, his job is very stressful and takes a lot of energy from him) and he would try to get it together for the weekend for me to come by and pick up.

That weekend he postponed it, cause he was busy, and so on, that happened several times. He keeps on texting, sometimes we drunktexted and it was funny conversations, when I say something witty he says something witty back, etc.

 

I am genuinely trying to build a friendship with him because I care so much for him still and think about him a lot. I might still have feelings for him even, but to be honest, even if I was to get back together with him ever, it would not be now (given the fact that he has a lot of issues and I am very happy with my still recent but very loving current boyfriend).

 

I just don't get what he is doing though. He always texts back. Sometimes he just texts me asking "What's up?" just to tell me he is busy at work or waiting for me to say something witty for him to say something witty back.

It is fun and I like that he is 'coming steps towards me' but he ends up chickening out again and again... I still don't have my DVDs...

 

To be honest, I see him as 'the love of my life' who I can not be with. I truly love my boyfriend that I have now, but we just started dating 3 months ago and I am sure I will grow with him more in the months/hopefully years to come, but what I had with my ex was very special, which is why I want him in my life as a friend, as a person, someone I want to have around, someone who I can exchange stories and experiences with.

 

Can someone give me an outstander view on this situation and try to find out what is going on in his head?

 

I want to tell him, after all this postponing and wishywashy texting on his side, what I feel and that I believe that if he is not ready yet, as he said in his first email two months ago, that he should leave it like that and stop contacting me and stop replying when I write to him. But I don't know how to say it without assuming too much...

 

I think I will stop right here and try to explain more once somebody responds... Thank you for reading this mess!

Edited July 20, 2011 by catchthedrift

[catchthedrift]

Sorry I know it is a long story but I would love to hear somebody's opinion!

[69ways]

well i believe he is unstable and you gave him the chances but he is the love of your life so do you want to spent the rest of your life with If........

 

I am not saying to break up with your current bf but there is no right or wrong in my opinion, you need to decide what you want and then act accordingly.

 

is you that has to decide, i can just tell you my personal inner thoughts.

 

I dont compromise

, its the love of my life or i dont want anyone

[catchthedrift]

My ex and me had a magic chemistry throughout the good year we had together. But now I just want him in my life, I don't want to BE WITH HIM as of now because I don't believe he is good for me right now.

 

I dont feel like my boyfriend is a compromise, i think he is a chance for me to be happy.

 

BUT as I said, at the same time, my ex is still in my head floating around and i dont know how to interpret our recent interaction.

[catchthedrift]

Anyone ever felt something similar?

[DontWorryBHappy]

To be honest with you, I don't think you should even consider entertaining any further interaction with a "love of your life that you can't be with" while you have a boyfriend. The fact that you can't be with him isn't the point. It's the fact that you are experiencing emotion toward another guy in a way that goes above a normal friendship. The thing is, you and your ex are NOT friends. You don't talk regularly, you don't share an actual friendship.. and the fact that you are TRYING extra hard to make him into a friend is not a good sign. With the way you talk about him, I would not be surprised to see you posting about how your feelings for him are growing again if you were to keep talking to him. To me it is a dangerous road because you will end up losing your current boyfriend, and by the sound of it, your ex won't be with you either. So you will have no one. Just think about that before you proceed.