isildurr12 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 This is a short excerpt from my email conversation i've had with my ex girlfriend of 3.5 years (I am the dumpee) whom I went NC with for one month but broke the no contact yesterday, I still love her: I miss you. reply : I miss you too (), took a lot of self control not to email you... Are you still in taiwan? We had a lot of small talk after that and she just told me she got back from china and about school (we're going to the same university now...) She also told me she hasn't shopped for a full 3 weeks haha so thats where I hope to ask her out or something. I don't know whats going on in her life when it comes to guys but i'm pretty certain there isnt another at the "boyfriend" level besides me. We emailed back and forth like 4 messages each yesterday (I'm in Taiwan and get back to toronto on the 30th ) I would really like any advice from a more experienced person on how to approach this, she is my first love and we really had a near perfect relationship (no arguments for 3 years with a lot of contact), as this could be my last chance and I don't really want to mess it up. Thanks so much everyone for helping me out.
KathyM Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 This is a short excerpt from my email conversation i've had with my ex girlfriend of 3.5 years (I am the dumpee) whom I went NC with for one month but broke the no contact yesterday, I still love her: I miss you. reply : I miss you too (), took a lot of self control not to email you... Are you still in taiwan? We had a lot of small talk after that and she just told me she got back from china and about school (we're going to the same university now...) She also told me she hasn't shopped for a full 3 weeks haha so thats where I hope to ask her out or something. I don't know whats going on in her life when it comes to guys but i'm pretty certain there isnt another at the "boyfriend" level besides me. We emailed back and forth like 4 messages each yesterday (I'm in Taiwan and get back to toronto on the 30th ) I would really like any advice from a more experienced person on how to approach this, she is my first love and we really had a near perfect relationship (no arguments for 3 years with a lot of contact), as this could be my last chance and I don't really want to mess it up. Thanks so much everyone for helping me out. I'd suggest coming right out and saying to her "I want you back. We had a great thing going, and I don't want to lose that. Think about it, and consider it. If there's anything I need to do that would make you more confident with the relationship, tell me." Continue the dialogue. If she says she can't go back right now, or it wouldn't work, or whatever, then tell her "Call me if you change your mind. I'm leaving the door open." Then don't call her or contact her again. If she's interested in reconciling in the future, she will call you. That's all you can do.
Author isildurr12 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 I don't want to be strung along though :S I think i'll subtly ask her out?
wilsonx Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 This is a short excerpt from my email conversation i've had with my ex girlfriend of 3.5 years (I am the dumpee) whom I went NC with for one month but broke the no contact yesterday, I still love her: I miss you. reply : I miss you too (), took a lot of self control not to email you... Are you still in taiwan? We had a lot of small talk after that and she just told me she got back from china and about school (we're going to the same university now...) She also told me she hasn't shopped for a full 3 weeks haha so thats where I hope to ask her out or something. I don't know whats going on in her life when it comes to guys but i'm pretty certain there isnt another at the "boyfriend" level besides me. We emailed back and forth like 4 messages each yesterday (I'm in Taiwan and get back to toronto on the 30th ) I would really like any advice from a more experienced person on how to approach this, she is my first love and we really had a near perfect relationship (no arguments for 3 years with a lot of contact), as this could be my last chance and I don't really want to mess it up. Thanks so much everyone for helping me out. She misses you on a friendship level. Thats it. One month is not a lot of time for you to recover from a 3.5 year relationship. I can give you advice on how to approach it if you were to hang out. Do not talk about the past relationship at all. Nothing about it. Ask her questions about herself and how shes doing. Do not ask her if shes seeing anyone. Be mysterious, if she has questions for you let her ask them but do not give her full answers. Leave some mystery in your answers to make her come back wanting more. If the conversation is going great and you did everything I suggest then end the hangout first say that you have things you have to do. Suggest that you hang out sometime again next week and pick a day. Have 3 things that you want to do in your mind for the following week and say ok well I have some ideas, tell them to her and let her pick one. NOTHING ROMANTIC OR DATEY JUST YET! The key here is to rebuild attraction. You can give her a friendly hug on the way out but thats it. If she leans in for a kiss go in slowly then pull your head away and push her away and say hey hey now I thought we were just friends. This will build so much attraction in her she wont know what hit her.
KathyM Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I don't want to be strung along though :S I think i'll subtly ask her out? No, after you give that "talk", the ball is in her court. I wouldn't ask her out at this point. You are making it known where you stand, and the next step is up to her.
Author isildurr12 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Wilsonx thanks so much for your insight, I told her that we could go shopping together when I get back, I want to buy some clothes and she does too. should I add onto the email saying "as friends?" or just leave it be, and what do I say of she says " I'm not so sure if that's a good idea". I'll follow your advice to just go as friends, but why avoid a kiss if she gives me one? Hopefully you can work this one through with me and I'll keep this post updated on how it goes. Kathy thanks for your help to, but I think the only way of getting hr back is to see her.
Author isildurr12 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 This is the essence of her reply to my "inquiry" : You'll take me legit shopping? Kay just cause you've shopped for like a month doesnt mean you can outshop me. More importantly...does that mean you'll re-add me on facebook and stuff? (: How do i reply? I'm thinking of being like if you outshop me i'll re-add you or something . then just go out with her as "friends" like wilsonx says.. THANKS for everyones advice
Author isildurr12 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Also, what does this mean "More importantly...does that mean you'll re-add me on facebook and stuff? (:" the and stuff
wilsonx Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I honestly think you will be in a world of hurt if you go with her. Its best to keep her removed on facebook and not go. You are not ready by any means
Author isildurr12 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 I already spoke with her though, why am I not ready? I just want to see if we can rekindle something? We're going to the same university and everything... You think shes completely uninterested?
Sebstian Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) Most likely, her being the dumper, she'll try to get you in the friend zone death trap. You can possibly reattract her, but I wouldn't follow Katy's advise. Being available and 'leaving the door open' smacks being easy and desperate. If you want to play the game you suggest, you basically need to hide that you want her back for it to work. And it's very hard to do because you have so many feelings for her. She knows you well so will be able to read all the little signs like body language, mimic etc. I tried the strategy recently but failed miserably at hiding my motives and slowly but surely slid into friend zone territory (which I kindly declined and went back to NC - for good this time). It worked to begin with and I got her back in bed a couple of times, but eventually I couldn't hide that I was dying to have her in my bed every night. Btw. it's a horrible feeling playing games with 'your own gf' like she was some stranger you met in a bar. / Seb Edited July 20, 2011 by Sebstian
Author isildurr12 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 I'm going to go for it baha wish me luck! I'm eager to hear what wilsonx has to say, and seb you're right about not wanting to be smacked around, i'm not going to do what kathy said, and i'll try to play "hard to get" LOL idk...any other advice peoples? I would be fine with just being friends...if I never had to hear about her getting a new boyfriend :S...
mr.goodguy Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Hey man, I know it's hard not to spill your guts to this chick...but i agree 100% with WilsonX. Don't add her to facebook...if anything wait for her to add you and let it sit for a while, a long while...she'll grow curious and probably obsess with it. If she asks why haven't you added her, say you've been busy sky diving or hanging with friends and you dont have time for that ****ty site. The old me would have said to go shopping and try to be friends...however learning a bit about the power struggle between men and women, you should go low contact for a while and stay busy. like everyone says 'work on yourself' for a period of time. correct your posture, work out, get new clothes, become the person you've always wanted to be. I'd say forego shopping and wait till you bump into her at a party or someplace random.
KathyM Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I think you guys have it all wrong. I'm not a fan of playing games in a relationship. I believe in laying your cards out on the table. Now is the time to reconcile if there ever was one--before either one of you is involved in a relationship with somebody else. The longer it goes without reconciling, the harder it is to get back together. My sister experienced that with her first husband when they separated. They both started to date others, and when one was free to reconcile, the other was not, and they ended up divorced, since there was never a time when both were free. If you wait too long to try to reconcile, there's a big chance the other person will have moved on with their life and met someone else. The most likely time to reconcile is within the first few months of separating. Someone I know recently reconciled with her husband after going to him, opening herself up to her feelings with him, laying all her cards on the table, and he melted and took her back. Nothing like being honest and genuine to rekindle the feelings in a relationship. Game playing is not a good plan, IMO, and like I said, the longer you wait, the less likely it will be that you will reconcile. 1
Chi townD Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Okay, I'll agree with everyone else that this is one month post break up, but if you are hell bent on going shopping. I would respond to her e-mail about the Facebook crap, " Let's just take things one step at a time and just go shopping, then we'll see how things go from there." However, get your "Welcome to the Friend Zone" banner ready.
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