kevindy Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Hi Everyone, I'm sick to my stomache right now. I was dating a woman for 1 1/2 years who has two kids; a boy 16, and a girl 20. I'm her first boyfriend after her divorce and these kids never liked me, or even gave me a chance for that matter, to get to know them and accept me. I did my best to stay out of her way of raising them; she catered to her son ad nauseum. To give you an example, he would be sitting in the drive way with his friends, and ask his mom to get him a drink and she would go in the house and bring out a drink for him. Anyway, last Saturday was the final straw for me. I sent to the sub shop on my way to her house and picked up her son a couple of sandwiches. Well, I got the wrong ones, and apparently he had a fit. She then drove ten miles, one way, and got him what he wanted. When I heard this I just lost it. I told her that she was the problem and went outside and really got in his face. We actually got into a tussle, and i left. I haven't spoken to her since, and I doubt I will. I feel awful that I let things get so out of control, but everything just came to a head for me, and I felt I couldn't take her catering to him any longer. Her daughter isn't any better. To give you an idea of her maturity level, she's a sophmore at a major university and went to go see Justin Beiber. Is it me or does that strike you as odd? Still, I feel horrible that I attacked her son like I did, but I was just seeing red. Anyone else have a similar experience? I need perspective. Thanks, Kevindy
wilsonx Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 You have to understand that they are HER kids not yours. What she does with her own kids and how she raises them is of her own choice and concern. You cant enter their life after they are teens and tell her shes doing it wrong. Its her choice and you definitely boundary crashed her and her kids. If you truly love someone then you accept them for who they are and what they do and dont judge them on either. You have every right to walk way from the relationship. But you do not have a right to tell her how to raise her own kids. I do not think the problem is them at all. Its you. You are bitter about something in your life and you need to find out what it is and solve it
Trimmer Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Can you explain this statement in more detail: "We actually got into a tussle..." That sounds a lot like a euphemism for something that happened that you're not describing.
oopsydaisy Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I agree-- I get the feeling that something is being downplayed here. How bad did this altercation get? It seems odd that this kind of behavior drives you quite so crazy. Annoying, sure. Relationship-ending annoying, even (I get it-- who wants to be with someone who caters to their kids every whim?). But, so mad it makes you resort to physical violence? From what you said, it doesn't sound like the kids ever did more to you than act like sullen teenagers. And sounds like Mom was feeling majorly guilty (maybe in part because her BF obviously didn't like them much?) I appreciate that you are sorry and reaching out for help, and I don't mean this to be a jerk, but you might want to formally explore this kind of rage. Would it really have made a difference if the kid were a few years younger? A mouthy 14? A bratty 11? It can come out, as you've seen, at pretty bad times if you don't get a handle on it. ps-- I don't see anything weird about the beiber concert. Young people-- especially college kids-- make a big joke of pop culture. I doubt she was doing it entirely seriously. Still, even so, what a petty comment!!!
Dust Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Hi Everyone, I'm sick to my stomache right now. I was dating a woman for 1 1/2 years who has two kids; a boy 16, and a girl 20. I'm her first boyfriend after her divorce and these kids never liked me, or even gave me a chance for that matter, to get to know them and accept me. They are 16 and 20 what did you expect? I did my best to stay out of her way of raising them; she catered to her son ad nauseum. To give you an example' date=' he would be sitting in the drive way with his friends, and ask his mom to get him a drink and she would go in the house and bring out a drink for him.[/quote'] I really don’t see the big deal with her getting him a drink. Anyway' date=' last Saturday was the final straw for me. I sent to the sub shop on my way to her house and picked up her son a couple of sandwiches. Well, I got the wrong ones, and apparently he had a fit. She then drove ten miles, one way, and got him what he wanted. When I heard this I just lost it. I told her that she was the problem and went outside and really got in his face. We actually got into a tussle, and i left. I haven't spoken to her since, and I doubt I will. I feel awful that I let things get so out of control, but everything just came to a head for me, and I felt I couldn't take her catering to him any longer.[/quote'] So you “really got in his face” and then got in a “tussle” with a 16 year old. Sounds like you attacked him. I think you should really question yourself in this situation. Your gf is probably better off with out you. Her daughter isn't any better. To give you an idea of her maturity level' date=' she's a sophmore at a major university and went to go see Justin Beiber. Is it me or does that strike you as odd?[/quote'] Everything from Jonas Brothers to Lady Ga Ga strikes me as odd. You’re pretty judgmental to be trying to put her down for this though. The boy dates an 18 year old girl and until recently your gf’s daughter was a teen so its not all that odd to me. Like it would some how be normal if she just liked the jonas bros but not beiber. Still, I feel horrible that I attacked her son like I did, but I was just seeing red. Anyone else have a similar experience? I need perspective. Thanks, Kevindy No I’ve never attacked some one because they made their mother go out of her way to replace a sandwich. It’s good you feel horrible means there is hope for you. I would probably stay away from her and any women with kids. Get help if this attacking people thing wasn’t just a one time thing.
D-Lish Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Because I come from a background of counselling teens- and understanding teens- I feel your frustation. Teens are narcissistic by nature- because they haven't fully developed their ego yet. Maybe the dude needs a male influence in his life that challenges him- must be frustrating to watch him walk all over his mother all of the time.
oldguy Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 This is is what is in the 'baggage' people often talk about in loose terms only. These are her kids. You also came around after the family hierarchy had been reestablished. I've been a teen of course, I've counselled families, which included teens & I've raised my own children so I'm fairly convinced that teens are by most standards quite insane:laugh:
Ginger Beer Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I was a terrible teenager, much worse than just moaning if I got something I didn't want, but you can't do that to someone else's child, if someone did it to mine (I don't have kids) I'd go nuts.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I sort of agree with what everyone here is saying. However, I'd like to hear more pertaining to what actually went down? Could you please define a "tussle" in your own words? Honestly, it would probably drive me completely bat-s**t nuts to see the mother cater to these children as if they couldn't possibly go inside the house, get a cup, perhaps some ice and pour themselves a drink. These children need to learn some independence and it's sad because most children who are raised in this fashion really have no idea what to do with themselves once they get into the real world on their own. I personally wouldn't count on this woman contacting you. She's obviously going to take her child's side on this one. If you want to try and make it work you're most likely going to have to suck up your pride, call her and apologize. You're definitely going to have to apologize to the son as well. Your best bet for the future is to sit down with your significant other and talk about your problems rather than blow a gasket like that. Good luck and I hope you manage to work everything out whether you choose to try to make things work with her and her family or not. Just remember, they are a packaged deal. Enjoy!
radiodarcy Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 (edited) I sort of agree with what everyone here is saying. However, I'd like to hear more pertaining to what actually went down? Could you please define a "tussle" in your own words? Honestly, it would probably drive me completely bat-s**t nuts to see the mother cater to these children as if they couldn't possibly go inside the house, get a cup, perhaps some ice and pour themselves a drink. These children need to learn some independence and it's sad because most children who are raised in this fashion really have no idea what to do with themselves once they get into the real world on their own. I personally wouldn't count on this woman contacting you. She's obviously going to take her child's side on this one. If you want to try and make it work you're most likely going to have to suck up your pride, call her and apologize. You're definitely going to have to apologize to the son as well. Your best bet for the future is to sit down with your significant other and talk about your problems rather than blow a gasket like that. Good luck and I hope you manage to work everything out whether you choose to try to make things work with her and her family or not. Just remember, they are a packaged deal. Enjoy! i agree. i understand that kids will be kids but it is irritating to see parents catering to their children like that. my mom used to do stuff like that for my brother all the time. and once he got older, he found a string of girlfriends to to it for him. he recently broke up with a girl who's ten years younger than him (she was 21 - - he's 32; yeah i know big age difference) because he got tired of cooking for her (apparently her mom does all that stuff for her). so yeah -- learning independence at that age can't hurt. nevertheless - - they are her kids and your ex is free to raise them as she pleases. it's always better to talk things out (take a walk if you need to); than let them fester to the point where you're getting into a tussle with her kid. regardless of his behavior, you're still the adult. it sounds like this was an issue that was bound to explode sooner or later. i would suggest if you date another woman with kids and the same thing happens (she caters to them too), get out of the relationship before it gets serious -- sounds drastic. but it sounds like this kind of thing is major dealbreaker for you. and you may find yourself in a great deal of trouble. it sounds like you at the very least put your hands on this kid. that could very easily be grounds for calling the authorities. Edited July 21, 2011 by radiodarcy
shayla Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 This situation happens alot, especially at my age (mid 40's). In my case, it is usually a guilt ridden father who has left the kids mother. Because he only sees his kids a couple of times a month, he gives them everything and can not see their behavior as it is. If you wanna see catering and worshipping of children, whew boy, it is unreal. Because of my need to have a peaceful life with the least amount of drama possible, I avoid men that have small (and I mean that aren't adult and out on their own) children. Then they can raise them as they see fit, and I'm not going insane over the choices they make.
Graceful Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 You're leaving out quite a bit of your back story, aren't you? This incident is the "straw that broke the camel's back", you know? There had to have been quite a few incidents before this where you've been either biting your tongue or (maybe? hopefully?) discussing how you feel about your ex's parenting skills and habits. You're not the first person who has dated someone with grown children. You're not the first person who has disagreed with what you see in a parent/child relationship. So what makes what you did different? You either let it fester by never bringing it up quietly and calmly, in private, as a discussion with your ex, OR you have brought it up in the past, and she told you thanks, but please don't interfere. So you put a lid on it, but continued to observe a dynamic that smacked of "spoiled brat" and it finally got the best of you? You must really dislike that kid, and maybe that's justified, but getting in his face? You must have known right while you were in the middle of lacing into him that you were saying "bye bye" to your (now) ex. (note: My mother would no sooner have gone out to get my brother another sandwich when there was a perfectly good one sitting in front of him -- and neither would I, if I had a kid). So which is it? Sounds like you were like a slow volcanic eruption waiting to happen. As for your ex? Sounds like a case of a divorced parent who caters to her kids certainly out of love, and is perhaps over-compensating for an absentee father (at least on a daily basis -- you don't say anything about the kids' father). Live and learn. I'm not going to judge you b/c you lost it with this kid, for all I know you've never done anything like this before. But I will say that you may want to watch yourself in the future if you date someone with kids, and learn to be more tolerant. You're the only one here that knows if you have an anger problem in general. So if you do, well, deal with it asap. You also might feel better if you send your ex a card apologizing for your behavior. It won't change or fix anything, but you do owe her and her son an apology; show that you take ownership for what you did. A few words can go a long way. Keep it short, sweet and simple. PS Not touchin' the Bieber question. I'm not the one to ask, that's for sure. Anyway, last Saturday was the final straw for me. I sent to the sub shop on my way to her house and picked up her son a couple of sandwiches. Well, I got the wrong ones, and apparently he had a fit. She then drove ten miles, one way, and got him what he wanted. When I heard this I just lost it. I told her that she was the problem and went outside and really got in his face. We actually got into a tussle, and i left. I haven't spoken to her since, and I doubt I will. I feel awful that I let things get so out of control, but everything just came to a head for me, and I felt I couldn't take her catering to him any longer.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 i agree. i understand that kids will be kids but it is irritating to see parents catering to their children like that. my mom used to do stuff like that for my brother all the time. and once he got older, he found a string of girlfriends to to it for him. he recently broke up with a girl who's ten years younger than him (she was 21 - - he's 32; yeah i know big age difference) because he got tired of cooking for her (apparently her mom does all that stuff for her). so yeah -- learning independence at that age can't hurt. nevertheless - - they are her kids and your ex is free to raise them as she pleases. it's always better to talk things out (take a walk if you need to); than let them fester to the point where you're getting into a tussle with her kid. regardless of his behavior, you're still the adult. it sounds like this was an issue that was bound to explode sooner or later. i would suggest if you date another woman with kids and the same thing happens (she caters to them too), get out of the relationship before it gets serious -- sounds drastic. but it sounds like this kind of thing is major dealbreaker for you. and you may find yourself in a great deal of trouble. it sounds like you at the very least put your hands on this kid. that could very easily be grounds for calling the authorities. I would think that if the authorities weren't contacted by now, it probably isn't going to happen. That's just my take on the subject. But at the same time radiodarcy is right... You definitely don't want any sort of domestic assault charge hanging around on your record, that's for sure. I'd tone it down a bit, that's for sure.
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