Our story. - Am I to blame?

[Yona88]

WARNING! Lost post. I need to vent.

 

 

So my ex has been doing some stuff that I'd really like an opinion on. I keep asking myself, "Am I going crazy? Is it just me that did wrong here? Am I the only one to blame? :(" ...I just spent the last 2 years with him, and a lot has happened. He did a lot of stuff to break my trust. He was *constantly* lying, even about silly stuff. A summary I guess; 3 months into our relationship he started using dating sites behind my back. Still don't know to the day if he ever met anyone on them. He was constantly lying about things he didn't want me to know about. I was his first girlfriend. 9 months of dating, and the decision to move in with him revealed a lot of secrets I wasn't ready for.

 

So there was the dating site. And then there was the porn addiction. He was looking at stuff on the internet through his phone when I lived with him in WA. (AT WORK, AT HOME when I wasn't in the room.. he basically google'd this stuff every hour of the day on his phone.) It was was kinda odd too. :S Umm, "sleep sex" videos? The term for it is "somnophilia." He was completely addicted to this fetish porn, which caused a lot more arguments. I personally don't really care much for porn, if people look at it moderately, it doesn't really bother me. But for him to be looking at it every hour of the day on his phone, at work even on the sales floor, really seemed out of control.

 

- I had been constantly worried of what he'd been doing behind my back.

To make me worry less, he said he'd be an open book until my trust could be rebuilt. I could check his email, accounts ect if I wanted to. I told him I didn't want to "seem controlling." He insists and says "It's not controlling if it was my idea. If it makes you worry less.." He even said he was okay with having just one phone, which we kept at home.

 

Over the past 9 months of living in Idaho, he has totally neglected his friends and family. We got in fights every other week, where he lost his temper from me speaking my mind about something that was bothering me. He threw a cigarette at me once when he was really mad. One thing I have learned is I didn't feel like I could speak my mind about anything to him. It made him angry, and would hit a nerve.

 

His friends... he neglected their calls, and messages. Or on Facebook. Whenever I suggested, "Hey why don't you give Kolbi/your mom a call?" He would say "eh... I'll do it later."

 

Well, I never "kept him" from messaging anyone, or calling anyone. Our single phone, which we left on our desk, stayed there. I didn't ever move it. It was open to the both of us. In the 9 months we had been here, we were always too broke to afford a multiple phone plan anyway... and he kept telling me he didn't mind the phone situation. We spent the majority of the months fighting unemployment anyway, wasn't the first thing on our mind to fix. I in fact encouraged him to call his friends and his mom a few times, throughout the time we were in Idaho. We had no friends out here, it sucked. I believe friends are a good thing. My mom is the only person who knows the truth in this of everything I've been through. In the last 6 months I hardly even second guessed anything he did, and I rarely ever worried. I didn't check up on any of his accounts, email, ect, even though he had insisted on it throughout the months. Things were getting better.

 

He moved out 2 weeks ago with his belongings and leaving me with this apartment and a cat we adopted in Idaho. We're both originally from Washington. So here we are... he's back in WA at his moms telling his friends and family how horrible of a person I am, and here I am at the apartment we spent 9 months living at, filled with memories. His bags and stuff he didn't feel like taking, are all over the place. So much stuff to throw out. I'm left with it all.

 

 

 

 

Three days ago he left me messages saying, he just didn't know how to be a good boyfriend, and broke my trust too much. He said he "rediculously cared about me still, and missed me" and to take care.

 

I had found out yesterday from mutual friends he has been calling me a "crazy GF" who put him through "oppression" and says he can now do things freely like message his friends on Facebook, as if he wasn't able to before.

 

What! Really. In the last 6 months, I ignored everything he did on the computer. We had been doing good.

 

I apologize for how long of a rant this is! I'm just so frustrated with how ****s turned out. I was wondering everyone's opinion on this situation. I'm sitting here wondering if what I just put up with was mental abuse, or I am just a really horrible girlfriend. I shouldn't have accepted any of his offers to snoop when I was worried. I am currently taking the blame for everything, including all those times he said "eh I'll call them later" when friends/family called and he didn't return their calls. I got yelled at by his mom saying I had been keeping him from them.

 

I feel like this guy has driven me crazy!

Edited July 19, 2011 by Yona88

[Yona88]

I feel almost traumatized from drama. I was starting to wonder if this was him placing the blame on me to justify everything.

 

 

My friends are saying encouraging things, that relationships are a two-way street. I'm still staying the hell away from relationships for a long time.