What's the best thing to do?

[midnightkisses]

This may seem really long, sorry but I prefer to explain things from the start, rather then half way through.

It's been nearly 3 years since I've known my boyfriend. When we first met in 2008, we got along so well, we became the best of friends, he was different to other guys at school because he was a lot more mature, he had the same problems as me and he actually confined in me out of all girls. We got along so well, we loved talking to each other. He was the quiet, mature clever guys whereas I was the clever, confident, loud type of girl. When we began dating (2 months after knowning each other) things were good, we were young so we had fun trying to keep a relationship going, we didn't know what we were supposed to do, we just had fun. From the day we began to date, till the spring of 2009, we broke up twice, that was because things got out of control when others got involved and we both thought being friends would be easier, even though we broke up, the friendship we had remained the same, we were still as close as ever, we were still best friends. During that time, a lot of problems came racing our way, my older cousins found out i was dating and they gave him a hard time, but he stuck by my side, he was honestly so different to other guys. I wasn'y as grateful as I should have been. I was loud, I got along with other guys, sometimes i came across as flirty when I was only being friendly to other guys. I would have a lot of the say in the relationship because my boyfriend didn't want to put a foot wrong and lose me, even though I told him to be himself, he still did everything the way I wanted, so you can say I had control over the relationship- but I NEVER purposely used this agaisnt him or purposely hurt him or anything, I really had strong feelings for him. When we did break up the second time, we were still friends but we became a bit more independant, I knew he was a lot more hurt then me because I was the type of girl to cover my feelings and just laugh or have fun.

One day, I caught myself staring at him in a science lesson and I got a rush of butterflies and thought 'why didn't I fight to keep him' he looked so perfect sitting there, he's appearance was a lot better and I only just realised, thats when the real feelings began to kick in and slowly during the following weeks, we spoke about it and we got back together. Now things were perfect, we had a great relationship going, we had so much fun, we were like best friends, I didn't ever want to lose him. But the problem was that I was controlive. I never forced him to do anything, but I was the type who would go on and on about something that was wrong, e.g. smoking. I did lecture him a lot and only because I felt like a bad girlfriend if I just sat back and allowed him to hurt himself with all the smoking. There was many girls at school who were known to be relationship breakers, I warned my bf to keep away from them and not to trust them, but again, I would come across as controlive. When I began to realise this, I spoke about it to him, and his words were 'No, I love you like this, I wouldn't want you to change and I know you only do it because you care' that made me feel as though I wasn't doing anything so bad, I really did just care. At this stage we were both 15 and like other guys, he did want to have fun with his friends, the only problem was his friends didn't really like me, so they would try and get in between us, and because he spent more time with them then me, I knew how they could easily brainwash him and It did happen, because he broke up with me, after a few months of acting really weird, avoiding me, and leaving me crying night after night, he did break up with me, but we didnt lock each other off, we remained friends, he told me he still cared and he didn't want me out his life. From then till summer vacation, we were friends, but there was times when we got to close, we'd end up kissing or acting like we were still together and honestly, I loved it, because I was still inlove with him, I wasn't strong enough to say no. He'd be lovey dovey one day then be all weird and off with me the next. I went through a lot of hurt and pain because I loved this guy and it felt as though he was using me for fun. when summer started we didn't see each other, we spoke a few times and we'd argue because I couldn't help but talk about us, i became so vunerable. When school re-started, It felt as though he would purposely pick an argument with me so we wouldn't speak, i realised this and each time he won, I would sit at home thinking of ways to say sorry and make up with him even though I knew it wasn't my fault, I jus wanted him back so bad, I loved him. It came upto a point where he wouldn't go anywhere if he knew I was there, or he'd be all friendly with my ex friends infront of me so i would get jelous, I couldn't take anymore so i stopped going to school for a week, I wanted to be alone, I didnt want to see him so i stayed at home and spent all my time revising. I stayed off facebook so no one knew where I was. Then slowly towards the end of that week, the half term holiday started, so he never saw me for 2 weeks straight or heard from me, towards the end of the second week, I went back onto facebook, all happy and talking to all my friends, all excited. I knew he could see how happy i was and thats when he messaged me to apoligise for everything, he admited his love for me, he admited the truth about everything, why he was being an idiot, why he kept avoiding me and I felt as though I was the happiest girl alive. After a months time, we got back together and this time we were both sure it would last. We had so much fun, we spoke about our lives, our future, how we wanted to get married one day, it felt perfect. But maybe to perfect to be true.... after 7 months, things began to get messy again. He began to say the same things as the previous year, he said he didn't want to be in a relationship, he said he wanted to be free and not commited. It hurt me so much because I had been so faithful and loyal and even though his feelings changed, mine were still the same. The following 3 months we were just on and off, there was days where we were happy and like a proper couple but then he would go all weird and start avoiding me again- just like last year. He knew how much he was hurting me, I knew he wanted to break up with me, but i never gave him the chance to, only because I wanted him to be sure that it was what he really wanted, i didnt want him to break up with me, realise he loves me still and then come running back, i wanted to get through this bump with him, as a couple. He started smoking weed, which made things worse because he started treating me like dirt, I was so confused on what to do and how to act, I loved this guy, and even though he said he didn't feel for me, I knew deep down he did love me too. The three months were just dragging on so i decided to do something, I called him to meet up.

I asked him questions, some he answered, some he didnt have an answer too. I rote all my feelings down in a book and made him read it, he did and i could see how upset he felt, he kept apoligising for putting me through hell. he said he doesnt think he can ever make me happy, but I think he can because he could in the past and a majoirty of the time i was happy with him. He told me how right now he didn't want to be in a relationship, he just wanted to be free and that it wasn't anything personal with me, it was just the fact that he was in a relationship that he didnt like. he said he didnt wanna lose me, he wanted me as a best friend still, but just not as a girlfriend right now. I asked about the future, he said he wasnt sure, but he knew he'd never find someone like me again and if he was ever to be in a relationship again, it wouldnt last, because he's only ever loved me. I asked if any other girl was involved, he swore on my life that he'd never dream of cheating on me, and it wasn't me he was sick of, it was the fact that he was commited to a relationship when he just wanted to be free.

We left on an ok note, we hugged, I said i was going to give him space and said that he should me whenever he wanted to talk and he was ok with that. It's only been a day since but he hasnt rang or anything, i dont mind so much because he said he will only ring when he's sober otherwise he would end up saying stupid things without realising because of the effect of the weed, so i'm trusting him in calling me when he wants to speak, i dont want him to feel suffocated with me if i keep texting and ringing.

Even though he hasnt spoken to me since the meet up, I've noticed he's talking completely fine with other people, he's the type of person to hide away his problems with me because he doesnt want them to effect his relationship with his friends. He's been talking to another girl, he's been friendly with her, laughing and joking and yes i admit i feel really jelous and i doubt them, i keep thinking somethings going on between them, but that girl knows me and only recently she's spoken to me about how she wants her ex back and how she loves him and she's trying to get him back, i believed her because I know she was hurt, knowning that makes me sure nothing would go on between my boyfriend and this girl, maybe im just being paranoid because he's talking to his friends? I'm not sure, there's no way i can go and ask him because that would be awkward, I know he'd never cheat on me, but just watching him and her constantly talk makes me feel so weird. Is it normal? Or should i be scared somethings going on?

[midnightkisses]

Do you think he's worth me waiting for and trying to get back, or should I just move on?

We havent exactly broken up yet.. but we're on a 'break'