Karala Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 ...is that this breakup will have permanently damaged my confidence in myself to choose a good partner and to be able to maintain a healthy happy relationship. Do you have it too, and how do you deal with it? I should add that I'm 30 and only had 2 serious LTRs in my life, and that both were, in hindsight, horror films with good moments.
Nohbody Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Yup. I'm worried my ability to trust a partner, or ability to count on someone else through thick and thin has been obliterated. And I was feeling so good out in the bush. Need to heal up and get back out.
Nohbody Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Actually, I take it back: If I had a biggest fear out of this, it's that what the war did to me will make it impossible me to have a LTR with anyone without driving them away, making them miserable, ruining other people's quality of life etc. I'd like to believe that's a stupid fear. Somehow I just can't seem to. Oh fellow broken toys, what are we to do?
amethyste Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Not so much a lack of confidence in chosing partners, but rather a lack of ability to fully trust someone new and let my guard down. Same here. The idea of re-sharing everything about myself with someone new scares me. I'm also scared to invest feelings into someone else, because sooner or later, a break up seems inevitable.
Trappedinyou Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I think the toymaker will visit us all one by one. He's kind of busy right now I think. At some point I think I will also have to leave these forums behind as well but for the time being every page and story are helping me.
nikkinicole36 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I definitely have this same fear. The few dates that I have gone on since my breakup has ended because I spotted a lot of the same red flags as my ex. I wonder about my ability to get out of the same negative cycle and to truly be healthy. I know now at least that I do have the ability to chose wisely for myself, at least better than I did in the past. I think I am now more afraid that I will be alone for a long time or the rest of my life. I just remind myself that this is temporary and not a permanent feeling.
Trappedinyou Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Strangely I don't feel like that and the thought hadn't entered my mind. you have to take everything on face value and if you fall in love again are you going to walk away because someone else hurt you? I think the mere fact that you fall in love again will see you through this feeling. Maybe it is because I never trusted her that might be the reason.
RuinedLife Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 ...is that this breakup will have permanently damaged my confidence in myself to choose a good partner and to be able to maintain a healthy happy relationship. Do you have it too, and how do you deal with it? I should add that I'm 30 and only had 2 serious LTRs in my life, and that both were, in hindsight, horror films with good moments. Yes I definitely worry about that a LOT. And as you could probably have guessed about me already... I'm not dealing with it well at all. But yes, it is a big concern for me that I'll never be able to find anyone as good as, let alone better, than my ex bf, which is one of the reasons I've been trying to cling so tightly to any shred of hope I can sniff out which gives me the slightest indication that he may want me back and ignore the vast array of evidence that he's clearly moved on and doesn't really care about me anymore. I know people, I wish I could smash my head against a brick wall to knock all this nonsense out of my head too, but something tells me that wouldn't really help the situation long term...
wilsonx Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I kind of have a different take then the rest of you posters here. I look at it as it can only get better. Are we all hurt, yes we are. But you can not put up walls because of what one person did to you. Its not healthy. I have learned you can not live your life in fear. Its not worth it. I learned this back in 9/11 when every one was scared of terrorist attacks in the US. I opened up my heart not once but twice to someone that took full advantage of me and yes it hurts and stings but it does not mean I wont do it again. Its my opinion that the reward is well worth the risk. You just have to protect yourself better and that does not mean by not opening up, it means to leave and not settle if you are not happy
thelovingkind Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I can see potential good sides and bad sides. good: in the past I've let myself get attached way too quickly, way too easily, to guys who didn't pass more than the most basic litmus test of compatibility. I needed a wake up call. I know now that my love and affection is precious and I can't just put it in anyone's hands because they're attractive and nice and give my butterflies. I'm starting to become more comfortable with the idea of dating, with letting people come into my life and not stapling them down into some kind of commitment after the first couple dates. In short, I think I'm maturing and right about where I want to be at the age of 23. bad: I don't want this to go too far, to the point that I'm afraid of making any risks or taking a chance on a good prospect. To get a beautiful relationship, I'm always going to need to put myself out there and risk heartache, and I don't want to forget that. At the beginning of my last relationship I was second guessing my feelings in a major way because the accumulated hurt of having people cut and run on me was making me very wary and cautious. I ended up falling for him in a major way, and getting burned again. I am scared that next time I will second guess myself to such an extent that I accidentally sabotage what could be a great love. In the end, I just have to remember that it's always a balancing act. Mitigating risk while putting your feelings out there is scary, but it has to be done. Reminds me of that great moment in He's Just Not That Into You when Gigi stands up to Alex: "You think you've won, because women are expendable to you? You have not won. You're alone, Alex. You may not get hurt that way, but you don't fall in love that way either. I may do a lot of stupid **** but I know I'm a lot closer to finding someone than you are." Words to live by
RodG Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 ...is that this breakup will have permanently damaged my confidence in myself to choose a good partner and to be able to maintain a healthy happy relationship. Do you have it too, and how do you deal with it? I should add that I'm 30 and only had 2 serious LTRs in my life, and that both were, in hindsight, horror films with good moments. I think I'll be able to trust someone wholeheartedly again. Because I will have a much better idea of what to look for, and I have the experience now to know WHO to trust and how to go about the relationship. Certainly not someone like my last girl. That was a mistake.
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