Is it the wrong relationship?

[weeble78]

Hey guys and gals.

 

I need some opinions/advice/something to clarify my situation. Something to stop the tears.

 

I have been with BF for 20 months. Lived with him for 7 months.

 

I am in quandary because things seem to have gone wrong and I don't understand what the right choice to make is.

 

Here are things which are important:

 

1. We don't have sex any more. Even if we attempt it, he can rarely keep it up. To add, we have both gained weight - not sure if that's relevant.

 

2. We've had 2 nasty name calling arguments recently - hideous things I've never heard before. There is now a large distance between us - although I'm not linking the two exclusively.

 

3. He recently went through a self-imposed period of unemployment for 4 months - the last two months is when things have gone wrong. It's been rows about money.

 

4. Other things we've argued about are his smoking - I'm ready to marry and settle down. He puportedly wants to achieve this with me but is now smoking more than ever.

 

I tell you what, I could go on forever. After the argument he wrote me a letter. I'm going to type it out and post it after this so it's kind of a balanced view.

 

Either I'm depressed, we're wrong for each other, we're at the end of the honeymoon phase - I don't know. The only thing I know is that I want the bliss of the first year back, and a boyfriend who adores me and does things to make me happy.

 

I appreciate any thoughts, because my mind is like broken up jelly right now.

[weeble78]

BF's apology letter to me:

 

GF

I'm sorry I got angry. I'm sorry I said nasty things and they were honestly said out of anger and frustration. I love you more than anything in the world. I don't want to lose you and I don't want to hurt you. We have such a great time together and I love your intelligence, your clever wit and your massive heart and your beautiful, genuine kindness. You are so very special to me, and I never want you to forget that. I suppose these last couple of months you have forgotten that. And that's my fault and it breaks my heart that it is how my actions have made you feel. It makes me question who I am as a person if my actions cause unhappiness to you. I will look at myself deeply, take everything on board and I promise things will be right. They'll get better and stronger if we can both lay our hearts out and work through this. I want so dearly to commit to you and have a family with you, and I fully admit I have taken my eye off the ball. I have spent too long not looking at the bigger picture and that's selfish of me and I apologise for that.

 

I'm just sorry yesterday happened and if I could go back in time and change things I would. You mean so much to me and I'm sorry that it's not come across to you, through my laisse faire attitude.

 

I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I don't ever want to lose you. I will promise to do whatever it takes to get through this.

 

My words when angered are like filthy potty-mouthed tantrums and I must learn to count to 10. I'm sorry.

 

I hope we can talk soon.

 

With all my heart and all my love.

 

BF

[geegirl]

Speaking for myself, my ex-husband and I started to gain weight, the 4th year into our marriage. We were not motivated anymore. We were both unhappy. He was in his own realm of depression and so was I. We stopped having sex because not only was I now unattractive to him, he was to me as well and it wore out the marriage in turn. We became different people to each other.

 

It's definite that honeymoon period is over but if there was a solid foundation to begin with, the relationship will stabilize on it's own and progress forward.

 

What stops you from getting to the gym and working out? If you start to feel good about yourself and if he sees you motivated, that may motivate him as well. I have a feeling he is depressed, maybe more so than you.

 

Have you talked to him about it?

[weeble78]

Hey, thanks for your reply and your experiences!

 

Yes we've talked. He says he's lost his libido - yet the other night I found 2 hours of porn on the computer when I was sleeping in the other room. He said it was because I was sick and not in the bed.

 

Its not only the sex. It's the doing things - together, for each other. It's all stopped. We went out on a date last sat at my insistence, we barely had two words to say to each other. He used to take me out so much, we used to burn the town up together! We're going to a festival soon, he gets irritated if I ask him to help plan fancy dress or anything fun.

 

He started a job yesterday, finally. The first thing he told me about it was that he can't give me his email address, and that he won't have time to meet me for lunch (he only works a 10 min walk away). He's given his friends his email (yet will deny this probably).

 

I've told him that I feel distanced, like he doesn't love me any more, and that I am eager for some love and romance. It's been so long.

 

I dread coming home. It used to be full of love and laughter here - we used to play jokes on each other, cook for each other, have friends over. I thought I'd found my happy ever after.

 

I tried finding my response to his letter but he deleted it. I apologised back to him for making him feel scared about losing me by questioning our relationship every time we had an argument, and I apologised for not listening to him.

 

We're going on holiday with a load of his friends Thursday for a week. I'm feeling pretty scared.

[weeble78]

Geegirl

Why do you think he may be depressed?

In answer to your question, I did join a gym because he said it was something he wanted to do - but wouldn't pay. He wanted to come only if I paid the membership and he came as a visitor.

I've tried to think of so many things for us to do together, I've just given up trying to inject fun and adventure into our lives.

[weeble78]

I just asked him if I can have his email address at work to contact him in an emergency, and he blew up in my face and then took the piss out of me because I got embarrassed and went red.

 

I hate my life. I feel like a piece of ****.

[geegirl]

I said he was depressed because of the lack of sex drive, losing his job, the smoking, letting himself go, etc. I was in the same place and can relate to things that happen to you when you hit a brick wall.

 

That aside, Weeble, I have a strong feeling he has checked out from your relationship. A good relationship does not equal someone being secretive about a simple thing like divulging a work email address. It does not entail not wanting intimacy with their partner. It does not entail lack of excitement to plan and spend time together doing fun little things. It does not entail selfishness by making you pay for his gym membership. It does not entail dreading going home to the one you love. It does not entail a partner finding porn much more gratifying than the closeness and comfort of his woman.

 

I know what it is like to think you have it all only for it to be gone. I am not talking about my ex-husband. After my divorce, I was alone for a long time. Three years ago I met a wonderful man. Everything I wanted. We were incredibly happy. I used to watch him cooking in the kitchen for me and I would say to myself, "I can't believe this is happening to me." I would tear up the way he loved and cared for me.

 

Fast forward. He started watching porn. Stopped kissing me and there was no more sex. Was angry all the time. Stopped cooking for me. Stopped planning. Snapped at me for the littlest of things. Was spending time with his friends but never me. Birthdays and anniversaries and he would find an excuse to travel for work/friends. I hung on for dear life. I wanted that old guy back. But I was not getting that guy back. He was gone.

 

He too said he loved me but not enough to go back to what it was. It was over. It didn't help that I found out he was cheating on me during the time things were at its worse. They may still care and love you but not enough to give you what you want. But they will still hold on to you because they fear what we fear as well.

 

I can only tell you to open your eyes and realize that this is not what good and healthy relationships are made of. It's not made to last or weather the worse. You'll probably go through more of this until you can't take anymore.

 

I know you hate your life. I used to. But I don't anymore. I will never let someone else dictate the fate of my life and the quality of it ever again.

[weeble78]

Thought I would follow up with how things have been going..

 

He broke up with me (overnight) then changed his mind the next day - I broke down and cried about it all.

 

Since then, he spent last week in his 'room' (in our house) playing games all night, coming out for food. Last weekend, by the saturday night he asked me to go watch a movie with him and I declined saying I'd been watching tv a lot on my own that week and didn't fancy sitting watching a film. He asked if we could do something else so we went to a fair and had fun. We had good conversation actually, something we haven't done for ages.

 

The next day he came iwth me to get my car fixed then we went shopping together for shoes for him.

 

Come monday, the whole him sitting in his room started up again.

 

The next day at work I was feeling pretty upset, so I texted him that I was finding the growing distance hard. He replied saying he'd just got into his game and he loved me to bits. I joked saying don't forget you've got a hot to trot fox upstairs and he laughed. I suggested going on bike rides sometime like we used to, and he ignored it.

 

I sent another crappy text annoyed he'd ignored it as I've lost patience. He was very patient back. Funny but he's stopped raging at me now (mostly) and is trying to control himself a lot more.

 

He picked an argument when we got back and yelled at me. I broke down immediately and went upstairs. Decided I couldn't take it any more, and told him I've had enough and refuse to discuss anything further and that I want to leave and for it to be over. Then he really lost his temper and got mad, saying he didn't want to split.

 

I've been feeling a little depressed, so in the end I felt exhausted and asked for a hug and told him I was finding it hard. We made up.

 

The next day he texted me 'i love you' in work - I reciprocated.

 

I've kept myslef busy with friends and my allotment - he's kept himself busy on the xbox and tonight he's out with friends.

 

Anyway, this is way longer than I expected it to be. I'm not really sure what dynamics are going on here. He says he finds it hard that I'm emotionally driven, and I'm upset we've argued so much and said hateful things to each other.

 

Quite miserable, but trying to give him space and cheer myself up.

 

Any opinions on what is going on would be appreciated - I feel we're either both too scared to breakup or halfway there, or that we're just finding each other hard to handle.

 

Oh and ps, I do feel that some of my emotions are leftovers from my past relationship, adn that the bad things that happened there are coming back to haunt me.

 

So much going on - my head is spinning - thanks for reading