dng Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Like I figured I would, I heard from her on her birthday. Well, one day after. I spent the day at the pool with a female friend, one that has been around since a few weeks after my ex left so she knows the whole story, she was with me some nights when my phone was ringing every 5 minutes. I was actually hoping and at the same time not hoping I would hear from her. Yesterday, I check my emails and lo and behold, she wrote. I opened it, its just one line, "You forgot my birthday! 30 years old! I was hoping to get a call from you." I wrote an answer but I havent sent it yet. Basically, I wrote, "I thought about you and I was sad, but thinking about you and the way you left is too hard and I dont do it anymore. The lies, the manipulation, the way you left mirrored our whole time together. My word is my bond, and again: you will never see me again in this life. I choose a life without lies, a life without you." Its dramatic but its how I feel. I dont need to play games with her, I dont want her back, she was an abusive and secretive girlfriend. Should I send it?
Exit Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Nah I wouldn't send that, it is a bit too dramatic. If anything, I would go with the first sentence, IF ANYTHING. But it may be best to just stay quiet. If you're ready for a life without her and her behavior, then I would start by not answering.
radiodarcy Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 wow. she sounds really selfish. given the way she treated you and i'm assuming dumped you - - i would think she would know better than to assume to hear from you on her birthday. i think what you drafted to send back to her sounds fine. i would probably leave out the part that says "My word is my bond, and again: you will never see me again in this life. I choose a life without lies, a life without you." because it does sound a little dramatic - - and you really did say it all in the first two lines. but that's just me. it's up to you though; write and send what you feel
Trappedinyou Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 'Sorry I was very busy. I hope you had a good day. Happy 30th'. I wouldn't send the rest of it.
ahoy Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Don't bother responding to be honest, it's not your job to please her on special occasions any more.
Nohbody Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 No response says all of that, and a whole lot more. But you can do whatever you want - and if you do send it, I'm sure there will be some bit of satisfaction (though there may be a bad aftertaste)
FeelingSmall Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Agree 100% with Nohbody. Saying nothing at all is best, she's looking for a response, don't give her one. It doesn't matter what kind she gets, if she gets one she what she wants.
nyc_guy2003 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 'Sorry I was very busy. I hope you had a good day. Happy 30th'. I wouldn't send the rest of it. I like this response the best. If you send that other drivel that you wrote chances are it will be printed out and circulated to her girl friends and shown to future boyfriends and you will be forever known in her social circle as THAT guy.
Karala Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Don't send it, lest you fancy giving her the ego-boost. And also, if you do send it, you will end up disappointed when she doesn't answer the way you would like her to, or when she doesn't respond at all. Be good to yourself, stay No Contact.
Author dng Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) I like this response the best. If you send that other drivel that you wrote chances are it will be printed out and circulated to her girl friends and shown to future boyfriends and you will be forever known in her social circle as THAT guy. Not much chance for that. She is the most secretive person I've ever known. However, can you explain your thoughts? How is it drivel? After being with someone for nine years and having them walk out one morning with no explanation I feel like I can tell her whatever I want. Edited July 19, 2011 by dng
samm84 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Sometimes silence says just the right amount. With those messages, you either come across as still being highly cut up, or generally not bothered. If you feel the need to justify yourself to her, I would choose the latter.
Author dng Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 An update. She wrote me something back a few days later and I could not believe it when I read it. Which is good, because she probably doesnt mean it for longer than it took to write it. She's basically saying she's not writing to ask for forgiveness, but to apologize for her heartless and selfish behavior, that she just now realized how terrible her behavior has been, how she wishes that she had given me time to explain myself and to tie her down before leaving (ahhh, blaming me again? nonsense). She goes on to write that there's not an hour passing by without a thought for me, our life together, that she destroyed. She says she destroyed her world as well, how safe she felt in my arms, protected from the outside world (uh?), how much she loved me, and will love me for ever. I'm pretty angry at her for this drivel. I wish she'd refrained herself but then again, she's very selfish. In truth, I doubt she realises much. She probably got burned a little and is thinking oh, that's how he felt...
Author dng Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 write back and say "who is this?" I know you're joking. I'm not answering it and I've deleted it to make sure I wont obsess over it. That breakup has been hard, hard, hard on me. I dont need to hear anymore from her, I now understand her sense of self is very fragile and nothing she says is anchored in anything solid... Her personality can change in a day.
Graceful Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 That breakup has been hard, hard, hard on me. I dont need to hear anymore from her, I now understand her sense of self is very fragile and nothing she says is anchored in anything solid... Her personality can change in a day. You have a steely resolve, a rare quality not often seen on the LS board. Even though you have broken NC on occasion, you've done it with self-awareness, and despite that, you've never wavered on your resolve to cut her out of your life. So there should never be a question in your mind that staying the course, not responding, not taking any thing she says or does personally, is the right thing to do. I'm astonished at how little you have said, yet her lack of empathy, her narcissistic qualities, all show through. You forgot her birthday? Yeah, er, sure, right, whatever. So glad you knew better than to reply. There's nothing and no one to reply to anyhow ... because there's nothing and no one there. Just emptiness. You see?
Kilty Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 An update. She wrote me something back a few days later and I could not believe it when I read it. Which is good, because she probably doesnt mean it for longer than it took to write it. She's basically saying she's not writing to ask for forgiveness, but to apologize for her heartless and selfish behavior, that she just now realized how terrible her behavior has been, how she wishes that she had given me time to explain myself and to tie her down before leaving (ahhh, blaming me again? nonsense). She goes on to write that there's not an hour passing by without a thought for me, our life together, that she destroyed. She says she destroyed her world as well, how safe she felt in my arms, protected from the outside world (uh?), how much she loved me, and will love me for ever. I'm pretty angry at her for this drivel. I wish she'd refrained herself but then again, she's very selfish. In truth, I doubt she realises much. She probably got burned a little and is thinking oh, that's how he felt... Does nobody else think she is looking for a way back ? And if she is how do you feel about that OP ? Look - to be honest not all contact from ex's is to appease their guilt and very often it takes an awful lot for an ex to write something like that. It feels a bit further on to be complete breadcrumbs I dont know her situation ? is she with someone else and if so did she dump you for this person ? I find it strange that we are all told to listen to what someone says and not read into things Example - Dont contact me again i have lost feelings for you Many of us fail to accept this and our emotions think the other person is just angry or wants chased The advice given from those emotionally disconnected is to give up and move on Yet when someone says - There is not an hour i dont think about you and i'll love you forever The advice is to ignore it and dont reply as it's meaningless. Of course i would ignore breadcrumbs but I know personally that if my ex sent me something like that the first thing i would be doing is finding out directly from her what she means by it - i.e is she just trying to make herself feel better or does she want to try again. Now i am not saying that i would get back with her and there are certain situations where no matter if the ex begged for another chance is reconciliation possible. And you have to take into account the ex's previous actions as to whether something like this is what they have done before and not followed through with it But taking all that aside, and again i dont know the full story, sometimes you gotta be sure and you only get that from the horses mouth - thats of course if reconciliation is possible And the other benefit to this is that there is never any lingering doubt afterwards and you leave them in no doubt that if it is breadcrumbs to leave you the hell alone forever
flitzanu Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 kilty, i think she is deluding herself with her words, trying to convince herself she isn't the monster she feels like. nowhere in her words does she say "i want to get back with you" so i'd disagree that she is looking for a way back in.
bikinibeach Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 wow just that nonchalant after what she did... you're supposed to be sitting at home think ing about her freaking birthday- what a b1tch!!! i want to tell you to reply with something nasty "i can't speak to you out of respect for my new girlfriend and also because i have no desire to. have a nice life!!" ...but she is trying to get a response out of you. guaranteed right now she's checking her email every fifteen minutes. let her keep waiting...indefinitely.
Author dng Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 kilty, i think she is deluding herself with her words, trying to convince herself she isn't the monster she feels like. nowhere in her words does she say "i want to get back with you" so i'd disagree that she is looking for a way back in. Yep. I have to agree with you. She doesnt address any of the horrible things she did in this email. She just wants to get a "Dont worry, you did good, " and blah blah blah. She's very atypical... Read my other threads to get an idea.
Author dng Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 (edited) A follow up. I really turned my life around, quit my job and went touring the USA on a motorcycle. I had a great time, met a nice girl - god damn long distance never works out. Like I had planned, she emailed me for my bday. There was other emails before that but it was bull****, like asking for a CD back (she still owes me money!), another saying she now understands what she did and how terrible it was. She got no replies. I'm so done its not even funny. Now, the bday one, I was hoping for it and dreading it at the same time. I'm realizing now she has no idea who I really am and she doesnt respect my wishes, even in the after life. That's who she is. Anyway, its a long one, I didnt read it all. She used all my cute names (now she remembers?) and made tons of references to our past together, it didnt phase me. It does sicken me that I now see how I was a father figure to her, because of the way she puts things into words, stuff like "You are the best man I ever had, I never felt safer than I did in your arms". She also put something really ****ed up in there, she wrote "ever since you left me". I did no such thing. I would have never left her no matter how ****ed it got. Stupid commitment. Then she complains that she has no news at all from me, have I moved somewhere? Am I in love, she asks. I would never ask her that. She writes that theres no a minute that goes by when she doesnt think about me. I find that offensive because I remember so well how she couldnt give a **** when she left, wouldnt return a call or explain what the hell was going on. She also had no problem sleeping with a guy right away. Now now, Im not jaleous in life and y'all thinking dont judge her on that, but it does say something about her. I went over "You were right, you are the best man on the planet" (I never said that, I said "You wont find anyone like me" and I guess anyone can say that) and kept on reading, but I stopped at "I have been sick, I had a stroke" because she's capable of inventing anything and I really dont want any contacts with her, I'm not responsible for her and I'm done. She can be happy or miserable and I dont care. I'm over her but I do not wish any further contacts with her. She treated me very badly and I dont owe her anything. The only way I think about now is sexual, she is beautiful and has an amazing, out of this world body, that I knew very well and still miss. Her sexing wasnt good at all but just looking at her getting out the shower was a turnon for the 9 years we were together and while I'm forgetting everything else about her, this is something I'll remember for a long time. Then again, I've always been like that for sex, I would still sex all my exes, given the chance. I dated all of them because they turned me on a LOT. Edited September 22, 2011 by dng
broken-and-lost Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 how long you guys be split up? just wondering on the contact level over time. I feel for you man especially when your trying to move on
smudge21 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I'm both camps on this one - she treated you bad, so you owe her nothing. You've moved on so leave it, no response, nothing. But then that post where she's pretty much apologising for what happened. Yes, I know she doesn't ask to get back but then again, who would. Surely anyone in that situation would test the water first and start with apologies etc, rather than just steaming in with "I want you back". However I do agree that you're moving on and doing so well that no contact is overall the best option, but my concerns are that she will continue to contact you... and eventually there is a chance some memories and feelings may come back. Maybe you should consider closing that door once and for all by replying back with something polite but clearly goodbye and leave me alone. Something like "please don't contact me anymore. You made your choices when you left me and you have to accept I've moved on. I am not angry with you nor do I hate you, I simply have no feelings for you whatsoever. You are a part of my past, not my future. I do wish you all the best. Take care. Goodbye." - it's precise, closes the door, says goodbye but most of all doesn't have any emotion in it. Shows you've moved on and you're man enough to wish her well, despite it all. That's probably what I'd do if the contact continued.
Author dng Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Ok, another update. I got another email a few weeks ago that was basically a complain that I wasnt answering. It made me buckle a little but I got over it. Now today, I got a text saying she still loves me and is sure we'll recover from this and be together for eternity. She can go **** herself with a 2x4. I'm so angry at her for this ****. Its ****ing nuts. She dumped me so harshly something like 15 months ago, told me she was willing to risk losing forever to "find herself again", i got the "I love you but not in love with you anymore" bull**** line, i got the "I look at you and I feel nothing", and I could go on, she hurt me in so many ways. I have moved on and I will be damned if I ever break this NC which almost saved my life.
smudge21 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 If she continues to contact you, then maybe consider doing what I suggested above. I know it means making contact, but the more effort she makes, the more it will get you down, until eventually you crack and say something you regret.
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